How often in our lives do we tell ourselves we “must” do something or that something “must” occur for us to be happy or fulfilled? How often do we tell ourselves that we “should” do something or that something “should” happen for us to be content with our lives?

Before he passed in 2007, Albert Ellis talked to us about “musterbation,” or telling ourselves we must do this or that, things must be this way or that, something must happen before we can be happy. Why do we tell ourselves these things? “Musterbation” and shoulding ourselves is akin to shaming ourselves. One cannot shame oneself into being happy. Happiness does not work that way. More likely than not, we would not shame a friend or family member and think that by doing so, we could make that person happy. Shame makes us feel bad. Indeed, shame tells us we are bad.

“Musterbation” and shoulding ourselves only prolongs feelings that we are not enough, that our lives are not good enough just as they are. But what if we stopped doing that to ourselves and simply accepted that things just are? Certainly, some things in our lives can be changed. If we are in a miserable, dead-end job we can seek employment elsewhere. If we are in abusive, hurtful relationships we can summon the courage to leave. If we do not like where we live, we can make plans to move.

There is something to be said for the Serenity Prayer here and accepting things the way they are and having the courage to change the things we can and having the wisdom to know the difference. But we must be careful that we do not should or must ourselves or we risk the chance of living in perpetual shame.

What are some things you can stop telling yourself about the way things should be or must be before you embrace happiness? Can you accept the idea that some things just are and be happy in the moment that you are living right now? Happiness is often found in the small moments. We rarely find happiness in shoulding ourselves or “musterbating.”

 

Every day we are confronted by situations or people who can bring out the anger in us. Someone cuts us off in traffic on the way to work. Someone takes all the credit for a project your team completed at work. Someone ghosts you in a relationship. Someone fails to respond to messages or texts. Any of these things can make us angry, but really, what is beneath that anger? Is it hurt? Shame? Jealousy? Confusion?

Anger often is a mask for our real feelings. Anger is our first reaction. But what if we delve deeper into what we really are feeling? What happens if we sit with the real feelings beneath the anger? What if we admit to ourselves that we are less angry and more hurt or ashamed? Well, it is hard to do that, of course. No one wants to admit being hurt.

So we hold on to that anger. But holding on to anger is more than just unhealthy. Holding on to anger turns us into bitter, hurtful people who tend to lash out and push people away so we ourselves do not get hurt. And in holding on to anger, we become victims of our own lives.

Anger is a choice. We can choose to respond to people or situations that hurt us in an angry, vengeful way or we can accept the fact that we have been hurt or shamed, explain our true feelings and move on. Why hold on to that anger? What purpose does it serve? One may think that holding on to anger protects you from future hurts, but it does not. We can no more control what is going to happen to us than we can the sunrise or the sunset. All we can do is control the way we react to something or someone. We can choose to react with anger or venom and continue to be a victim of our lives or we can choose to react from a place of understanding.

Very few people actually try to hurt us on purpose. What is going on in the life of the person who hurt us to make them behave that way or say what he said? If we come from a place of understanding and compassion, we become victors of our lives and the situations with which we are confronted. If we come from a place of understanding and compassion, we are less likely to respond with anger and more likely to respond with love. Would that not be better? Doing so makes us the victors of our lives. Which would you rather be? A victim of your life or the victor of your life?

You can choose to be the victor of your life or you can choose to be a victim of your life. What happens when we choose to be the victor, the hero of our own lives is that we start to feel as though life is happening for us instead of life happening to us. When we choose to be the victor of our own lives, we begin to feel as though we have more agency, more say in how we choose to react to people and situations. When we choose to be the victors of our own lives, we own our feelings and can find it easier to move past anger, hurt and sadness. We can choose to react to troubling situations with grace and compassion when we choose to be the victors of our own lives. The choice is up to you.

As a social worker who herself has risen from the ashes of severe depression, anxiety and a manic episode that lasted 18 months and has been in recovery for almost eight years, I feel it is my duty to instill hope in those who have none. Indeed, that is why I went into this business.

When you are living with profound depression, debilitating anxiety and/or substance use disorder it certainly can feel like there is absolutely no hope that you can ever get better, that you can ever live a life free of mental illness or drug use. But, I promise you, there is hope. Every day offers you a chance to find your way to recovery, a chance that things will get better. But what does “better” mean? Certainly it means something different for everyone who lives with mental illness and/or substance use disorder. Perhaps “better” for you means getting out of bed today and getting yourself into the shower, dressed and to work. Perhaps “better” for you means one more day without your drug of choice. Perhaps “better” for you means you get outside for a walk or a run or a bike ride. Science tells us that as few as 30 minutes in nature helps release those endorphins we have talked about before, the feel-good chemicals in your brain that help you feel better. Perhaps “better” for you means you go to bed with the thought that maybe tomorrow will be better. That is what hope is.

Hope is that little voice inside you that says, “I’ll try again tomorrow.” Hope is that little voice inside you that says, “Tomorrow will be better.” When you live with mental illness and/or substance use disorder life can feel hopeless. We want to feel better now, but we are not sure how to get to “better.” Sometimes having hope means taking even just one small step toward mental wellness. What is one small thing you can to do today to improve your mental health? What can you do today that will make your tomorrow better?

Obviously, we cannot just hope ourselves well. We have to be willing to do the work of recovery to get well and to stay well. For most people living with mental illness and substance use, recovery does not just happen over night. Recovery happens when we take the steps necessary to make ourselves well. Recovery is a lifelong process. What can you do today to move from illness to wellness? What are you willing to do to engage in a healthier life? Sustained recovery is found when we practice hope on a daily basis, when we become hope warriors. What can you do today to embrace hope?