Most of us will engage in overthinking from time to time. This is, to some extent, normal and human. But when overthinking begins to affect our sleep, mood. outlook and emotions, we may need to find ways to avoid overthinking.

Overthinking is the habit of excessively analyzing, dwelling on or replaying thoughts, conversations, decisions, and/or problems such to the point that these become all-consuming and begin to lead to anxiety, depression, sleep disturbances and decision paralysis. Most of us will engaging in overthinking at some point. Some of us will take this to the extreme.

Overthinking often is an attempt to better understand something that already has happened, or can be an attempt to try to control a future outcome. Overthinking often leaves us thinking about past conversations or events, trying to make sense of them. But sometimes when we engage in overthinking about something that happened in the past, we are making some kind of attempt to rewrite history. Unfortunately, we cannot go back in time and change an interaction or conversation with someone. That time has already passed. We can, though, use that interaction or conversation as a lesson, informing us as to how to go about something differently, or better, in the future.

Overthinking something that already has happened also can involve self-shaming thoughts or feelings, particularly if we feel or think that a conversation or interaction did not go as planned, or we perceive that it has gone badly, or when we try to assume how another person felt or what they thought of the interaction, or what they thought about us. Humans can have a tendency to beat themselves up with self-shaming thoughts or use derogatory names to describe themselves or their behavior when a conversation or interaction did not go as we might have liked.

What happens when we repeatedly engage in overthinking is that we can end up in a downward spiral of anxiety and depression, reliving a moment in time that already has passed. This is our brain’s way of trying to make sense of something. This is also our brain’s way of trying to control a narrative that already has happened. Unfortunately, again, we have no control over events, interactions, or conversations that already have happened. But we can learn from them.

We as humans also tend to overthink about future events, things that are planned or conversations we need to have, as a way to prepare for something that has not even happened yet. This, too, is our brain’s way of trying to control the narrative. The thing is, though, that we have little to no control over what may or may not happen in the future. We have little to no control over how other people may behave in the future, and we have little control over what others may say in the future. Overthinking is our brain’s way of trying to control the narrative.

When we engage in overthinking, we often entertain worst-case scenarios that may or may not happen. Again, this is our brain’s way of trying to control the narrative. This can lead us down the rabbit hole of negative thinking or negative self-talk, heightening our anxiety and depression. This happens when we engage in all-or-nothing thinking, catastrophizing, mind reading, and jumping to conclusions. All of this can affect our sleep, particularly if our overthinking happens at bedtime.

So, how do we stop overthinking? One way is to reflect on what our triggers are for overthinking. For some people, keeping a journal of when we tend to engage in overthinking and what we’re thinking about can be helpful. Once you are aware of what triggers your overthinking, you can adopt coping strategies for situations that provoke overthinking.

Another way to combat overthinking is to really challenge your thinking. What evidence do you have to support your thoughts? What evidence do you have to the contrary? Really try to test the veracity of your thoughts? Are these just stories you have made up in your head, or is there really a good foundation for the thoughts? It is often helpful to be wary of the stories you tell yourself about what has or what may happen.

Sometimes asking to run some thoughts by a trusted other can be helpful, as long as you are open to their ideas. Asking them to be honest with you about your thoughts is important, so that you do not end up in an echo chamber. If you find yourself co-overthinking with that trusted other, that can actually make anxiety worse.

Another way to get away from overthinking is to engage in a healthy distraction, such as reading a book or watching a favorite show or movie. Engaging in an activity such as exercise or something else that will get your mind off things also can be helpful. Be careful to avoid using alcohol or other drugs to turn your brain off, as doing so can lead to other problems that may need a solution later.

If you are feeling anxious due to overthinking, a breathing exercise such as four square or box breathing (breathing in for four seconds, holding breath for four seconds, exhaling for four seconds) can be helpful. Meditation also can be helpful to manage overthinking and the anxiety that often accompanies it, as can practicing mindfulness.

Overthinking happens to most people at some point. It becomes troublesome when you find yourself in an endless loop of thinking that is not helpful. Remembering that we tend to engage in overthinking as some sort of attempt to control the narrative, either past or future, can be helpful. Reminding ourselves of what we do and do not have control over also can be helpful. This means reminding ourselves that what we really have control over is what we think, say and do. We have little to no control over what others think, say or do. Think about what you really can control. And remind yourself that overthinking is a human tendency. Beating yourself up for overthinking generally is not helpful and likely will not stop that behavior. Offer yourself compassion for being human, while challenging and testing the veracity of your own thoughts.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LCSW, CADC, CCTP

Most of us have felt it, that tricky feeling that tells us we’re not good enough, we’re not smart enough, we’re not deserving of love, of belonging, of even having our basic needs met, of happiness. It’s shame and it’s one of those feelings that can leave us feeling depleted, defeated, and lead us to engage in all manner of self-sabotaging behaviors.

Shame is an insidious feeling. It eats away at us and leads us in a downward spiral that can feel nearly impossible to break free from. Merriam-Webster defines shame as “a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety, or a condition of humiliating disgrace or disrepute.” And while shame is a normal, human feeling, we ourselves often feed it with negative self-talk, perpetuating and intensifying the feeling.

When we feed shame, it tends to grow and can lead us down a path of self-sabotage. We feed the feeling of shame both by engaging in negative. often self-shaming self-talk and then also by behaving in ways that are, at best, not helpful. We feel badly about ourselves, for whatever reason, perhaps we made a mistake, and then add fuel to the fire by engaging in behaviors such as consuming alcohol or other drugs, eating unhealthy foods, spending too much on some retail therapy, engaging in risky sexual behavior. And thus, we perpetuate the shame and self-sabotage cycle. Because when we have engaged in these or other similar behaviors, we start the self-shaming, negative self-talk all over again. We end up in a vicious cycle.

So, how do we break the shame and self-sabotage cycle? First, we have to recognize the pattern that we have found ourselves in. Some people describe it as a negative spiral, a downward spiral, like an airplane falling out of the sky and the pilot needs to pull up the yoke before the plane crashes and burns. It can be challenging to even recognize that we are in a shame and self-sabotage cycle, particularly if we have been living in chaos for a long period of time. We become used to being comfortably uncomfortable. But, the thing is, we don’t have to live this way. We can break free of that cycle when we come to the realization that we deserve better and then demand better, not just of ourselves but of others.

Breaking the shame and self-sabotage cycle depends on offering ourselves kindness, grace and compassion. Shame cannot live in love. Shame will never help us think better, do better or feel better. Particularly if we are struggling with some heavy emotions or have made a mistake or have found ourselves in an untenable situation. We cannot shame ourselves into changing either the way we think or our behaviors.

We can, though, offer ourselves some grace, kindness and compassion by speaking to ourselves as we might a friend or loved one. We can break the shame and self-sabotage cycle by engaging in positive self-talk, by being our own best cheerleader and by giving ourselves grace for being human. We can break the shame and self-sabotage cycle by reminding ourselves that pretty much everyone on the planet makes mistakes, and that’s okay. That is part of being human. We can break the shame and self-sabotage cycle by reminding ourselves that we, as humans, are inherently worthy of love and belonging and happiness. We deserve these things simply because we exist. We do not have to earn love or belonging or happiness.

Breaking the shame and self-sabotage cycle also asks us to make better choices, because we deserve to make better choices that will benefit our minds and our bodies and our souls. If you have turned to alcohol or other drugs, or sex, or food, or shopping, or other risky behaviors in an effort to somehow numb the heavy feeling of shame, you more than likely will not only feel worse in the end, but you may end up with a separate problem that requires attention. Cutting back or cutting out the drinking, drugging, eating unhealthy foods, and overspending is a good way to get out of the shame and self-sabotage cycle. It’s okay to make healthy choices that will leave you feeling better about yourself, your life or your situation.

Many people have or will find themselves in a shame and self-sabotage cycle at some point in their lives. That is part and parcel of being human. But we cannot shame ourselves into thinking better, doing better or feeling better. We cannot numb ourselves out of this feeling by engaging in risky behaviors. We can, though, offer ourselves grace, kindness and compassion for being human, much as we might offer a friend or loved one.

Is it time for you to let go of shame and self-sabotaging behaviors? Is it time for you to let go of the negative self-talk that perpetuates the shame and self-sabotage cycle? Can you practice offering yourself grace, kindness and compassion? Can you speak to yourself with the love you might offer a friend or other loved one? You deserve love and belonging and happiness, just as any other human being does, simply because you exist. Try showing yourself that love; you might just feel better.

~ Karri Christansen, MSW, LCSW, CADC, CCTP

It is more common that one might think: mistaking love for being addicted to a certain person. People may mistake that headiness for love when, in fact, what they are experiencing is being addicted to the ups and downs of a tumultuous relationship. People sometimes become addicted to being on an emotional roller coaster caused by an unstable relationship.

The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous describes alcohol as “cunning, baffling and powerful.” The same could be said for certain relationships or people. Certain people leave us believing what we are experiencing is love, when, in fact, it is addiction. We come to believe we cannot live without a certain person. We try to convince ourselves that the red flags we see in the periphery are not that bad, that we can tolerate the uncertain nature of the relationship and the unpredictable, unreliable behaviors of a certain person. We come to believe that the relationship is somehow special .. that the bond that exists is somehow special … that we are special because this other person chooses to spend time with us. We come to be addicted to the person, mistaking love for addiction.

This is more common than one might think. I have met and worked with several individuals who have found themselves in relationships they have trouble ending, despite all the warnings and red flags. These relationships can last months, years, even decades before they are ended. Ending them can be challenging, because people tend to convince themselves that the relationship will improve with time. People who find themselves in these sorts of addictive relationships tend to think that if only they could be a better partner, do more, or work harder their partner will be the person they need them to be. That rarely works, leaving one partner feeling resentful and exhausted.

People who find themselves in addictive relationships often find it difficult to assert themselves, plainly stating their needs, wants, hopes and desires. People who find themselves in addictive relationships often have difficulty setting and enforcing boundaries. It is important to remember that your needs, wants, hopes and desires are just as important as your partner’s. It is okay to share what your needs are in clear, plain and kind language. It is okay to set boundaries with your partner, so that person knows what you will and will not tolerate in a relationship.

If you do not share your needs, wants, hopes and desires, if you do not set and enforce clear boundaries, the likelihood that you will experience feelings of resentment is high. Resentment builds when we feel that our needs are not being met, that we are not being heard or when we feel disrespected. It is crucial to the health of the relationship that both partners feel seen, heard and respected.

A healthy relationship does not leave one partner feeling as though they are doing all the work. A healthy relationship does not leave one partner feeling unseen, unheard or disrespected. A healthy relationship does not feel lopsided. No one partner should feel as though the onus is on them to maintain the health of the relationship. Both partners should be working equally hard to maintain the health and stability of the relationship. If that is not happening in your relationship, it may be time to re-evaluate the relationship and its future.

If you find yourself in a relationship that has left you feeling exhausted and as though you are on an emotional roller coaster, it may be addiction rather than pure love. If you find yourself walking on eggshells with your partner because you are afraid of how that person will react or respond to you voicing your needs, wants, hopes and desires, it may be time to re-evaluate that relationship. Indeed, it may be time to end that relationship.

If you have found yourself in something that feels more like addiction than pure love, it is okay to end the relationship. That may mean deleting and blocking that person from your social media accounts, phone and contacts. That may mean completely cutting ties with that person. Yes, that likely will be difficult, but in the long run, you likely will notice improvements in your mental and emotional health, and self-esteem.

Know that you deserve better in a relationship than to feel as though you are solely responsible for its health and future. Are you ready to clearly state your needs, wants, hopes and desires? Are you able to set and enforce boundaries with your partner? Can you give yourself permission to step away from something that feels more like addiction than pure love?

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LCSW, CADC, CCTP