Growing up, many of us heard things from our parents, caregivers, loved ones even friends, that we internalized. These things, these comments whether spoken or inferred, shaped who we are today. These things became part of our story.

Unfortunately, for many people, much of what we heard growing up was negative, even cruel. We heard that we were not good enough, smart enough, thin enough, pretty enough, enough of an athlete … enough of anything. Even if our parents or caregivers never came right out and said those things, those were the messages we received either through childhood emotional neglect, or perhaps outright verbal and emotional abuse. Those things we heard or inferred from our parents’ words or actions became the stories we tell ourselves as we grow up. So many people live with an internal critic who is downright cruel. We likely never would say to a friend the things we tell ourselves.

How do we change that internal dialogue, that story that we tell ourselves? So often that story is based on feeling not good enough, as though no matter what we do, we never will be enough to obtain love, belonging or emotional connection. Changing the story we tell ourselves begins with challenging the things we say to ourselves and with believing that we deserve better than the lies fed to us as children. You are good enough. You are worthy of love and belonging and emotional connection. Why? Simply because you are human.

One does not have to do anything to deserve to be loved, to belong to a community of people who accept us for who you are. You do not have to work harder or more hours a week than everyone else to deserve love. You do not have to be the thinnest woman in the room to deserve love. You do not have to be a beauty queen to deserve love. You do not have to throw a 100 mph fastball to deserve love. All you have to do is change the story you keep telling yourself. Easier said than done, right?

It does take practice to change the story we tell ourselves. Start with telling yourself daily that you are worthy of love and belonging, that you deserve a strong emotional connection. Say it to yourself in the mirror as you are getting ready for work or school in the morning. Say it to yourself throughout the day when you find that internal critic chastising you. Say it to yourself as you fall asleep at night. You deserve love and belonging simply because you are human. You are worthy of a strong emotional connection. You are good enough. You are perfect just as you are.

The stories we were told growing up do not have to be the stories we tell ourselves as adults. You have the power to start creating for yourself a new story with a new ending. It is your story, you can write your own ending … an ending where you believe that you are worthy of love and belonging.

Most people, at some point in time, have done something or said something they might regret. We all have made mistakes. We may have done something others might consider silly. How we react to those things makes a lot of difference in how we ultimately view ourselves afterward.

I am a firm believer that mistakes are proof that we are trying. Making mistakes is how we learn to do something different, to do something better. Beating ourselves up for our mistakes or transgressions is natural, but is it healthy? What do you tell yourself when you make a mistake? Do you tell yourself that you are stupid? Do you shame yourself for doing something wrong?

There is a difference between shame and guilt. Shame tells us we are bad whereas guilt tells us we have done something bad. Perhaps “bad” is not the right word. Perhaps we should instead say that there may have been a better way of doing something or saying something.

Brene Brown, my social work hero, offers a wonderful TEDTalk on the difference between shame and guilt and how it plays into being vulnerable with oneself and with others. I highly recommend it.

I have said it before and will say it again: How we talk to ourselves matters. Our internal dialogue affects not just the way we think about ourselves, but the way we act toward ourselves and toward others. Do you shame yourself when you have made a mistake? Or, do you accept the fact that perhaps there was a better way of doing something, find the better way, do that and move on? Do you apologize for your mistake and change your behavior? Or do you beat yourself up? How you react to making a mistake or transgression is your choice. Would you not rather learn and grow from your mistake instead of shaming yourself?

We can feel guilty that we have made a mistake, that we perhaps hurt someone with what we have done or with what we have said. Feeling guilty can propel us to make a change in our behavior so that we do not hurt someone again the same way. But shaming ourselves can serve to make the situation worse and keep us from learning from that transgression. Shame keeps us stuck. Shame prevents us from growing.

Very few people I know or who have worked with are bad people. Shame tells us that we are bad. Guilt offers us a chance to own what we have done and make changes in our behavior or speech. Making a mistake does not make us bad people; mistakes make us human. Mistakes tell us something is wrong, they offer us a chance to learn and grow and become better people. Is that not what we deserve? To become better people?

In my work and daily life, I frequently hear people describe themselves by their professions or hobbies. For instance, I describe myself as a social worker and runner. But some people use other terms to describe themselves, some that can be self-stigmatizing and that can impact the way they ultimately think about themselves as people.

Why, I often wonder, do we who live with mental illness define ourselves as “bipolar,” “depressed” or “anxious.” How we describe ourselves matters. Someone living with cancer does not self-describe as saying, “I am cancer.” Same goes for people living with diabetes or heart disease. One likely would not describe oneself as saying, “I am diabetes” or “I am heart disease.” Why, then, do people living with mental illness so frequently say, “I’m bipolar” or “I’m anxious” or “I’m depressed.” These are illnesses we have, not things we are.

How we describe ourselves matters, the words we use to define our conditions matters. Referring to ourselves as “bipolar” or “depressed” sticks labels on us and to some extent defines who we are. But we are so much more than the illnesses with which we live. We who live with mental illness are so much more than the conditions with which we have been struck. We are more than the up and down episodes of bipolar disorder, more than the dark days of depression, more than the sometimes crippling panic of anxiety disorder. We are people first, human beings worthy of love and belonging first. Our conditions, our illnesses should not and do not have to define us. How we self-describe matters. We live with mental illness, we are not the illness itself.

When I am working with people living with mental illness and/or substance use disorder, I always try to remind them that they are more than the illness with which they live. Human beings are complicated creatures, but defining a person by one specific aspect can limit that person’s ability to see beyond that label. People are multi-faceted and complicated and wonderful. Labels tend to put people in boxes and stifle personal growth. Those who are labeled with mental illness or substance use diagnoses can find themselves slaves to the symptoms of their particular disorder, when in reality, those symptoms are but a wee fraction of who they really are.

What if we changed the way we talk about mental illness and the people who live with them so that they no longer become their diagnoses, but become people living with a treatable medical condition? What if we moved away from stigmatizing language and labels and focused instead on the person, rather than the symptoms? What if instead of defining a person by her illness, we looked beyond the illness to see who the person truly is? The language we use matters.

 

 

Recently, I have been reminded that you just never know what someone is going through. So many people I know and work with are living in the quagmire of depression, anxiety, substance use disorder and suicidal ideation. It makes me sad to know that so many people are suffering. Indeed, the National Alliance on Mental Illness estimates that as many as one in four people are living with mental illness at any given time and that suicide is a leading cause of death for young people.

Sad statistics to be sure. Been there, done that. One of the things that helped me in my own recovery from mental illness is learning how to use good coping skills. I have learned that exercise, listening to music, reading and going to the movies help me keep the blue meanies at bay. But coping skills only work if we use them. Sometimes, it can be difficult to figure out what might make you feel better when you are stuck in the mud of mental illness. So, below is a short list of coping skills that might work for you when you are feeling low or overwhelmed or anxious or that people might be better off if you were not around:

• exercise such as walking, running or riding a bicycle

• writing in a gratitude journal or diary

• coloring or painting

• watching your favorite television program or movie

• crossword or word search puzzles

• listening to music or playing a musical instrument

• doodling on yourself instead of self-harming

• taking a long, hot shower or bubble bath

• retail therapy (within reason)

• cleaning or organizing your home

• knitting, sewing or crocheting

• aromatherapy with scented candles or essential oils

• calling a friend or loved one

• meditating

• play basketball, soccer, go boxing or kickboxing

• play with your pets

• sing or dance to your favorite tune

• cook or bake

• read for pleasure

• visit with family or friends

• play solitaire or other card game or computer game

• play with a balloon or have a water balloon fight with friends

• play a board game with family or friends

• put a puzzle together

• yoga

• learn a new language

This is not an exhaustive list, but some suggestions that might make you feel better. I realize that when you are feeling very low it might be difficult to even consider employing your coping skills, but I am fairly certain that if you just give it a shot, even just for a little while, you likely will feel better. Why not give it a chance?

So often people come to treatment with the expectation that their therapist or counselor will make them better, and to some extent that is true. We providers have the education and training to help you get better, but there is more to treatment than just coming to therapy. You have to be willing to do the work of recovery to get better.

That means taking a chance on you. That means taking the chance to open yourself up to doing the hard work of recovery, of diving down into the root of your problems and facing them head on. Daunting? Absolutely. Scary? You bet. But change does not happen without work, sadly.

I often tell my clients that I do not have the answers to their problems and that, also, to some extent is true. Sometimes it is easier for a trained outsider to see what is happening and make suggestions as to how to improve a situation or find a solution to a problem. But more so than not, the answers to the problem lie within you. You have the answers; they all are inside you. Let’s work together to find them. And when I say “work,” I mean work. Therapy is work, hard work. But the hard is what makes it great. Without the hard work put in by the client, nothing would ever change. It is through the hard work of recovery that change happens, and that is true for mental illness, substance use disorder or anything else that requires time and effort. And are you not worth it? Do you not deserve to take a chance on you, on making you better and happier and healthier?

So often people come to treatment thinking just a few sessions will make everything better. Perhaps for some people, that is true, but recovery more often than not takes time. Change does not happen over night, nor does it come for free. Recovery for many is a lifelong process that requires ongoing, daily effort. Similar to physical fitness, persistence in recovery pays off. The more time you spend working on your recovery, working on you, the bigger the dividends.

People usually come to treatment when they are thinking about or are ready to make a change, when they are ready to get better and find their way out of mental illness and/or substance abuse. But there is more to recovery than just wanting to get better, the question is, What are you willing to do for it? Are you willing to take medications? Are you willing to come to therapy once a week? Are you willing to embrace a healthier lifestyle? Are you willing to change your thinking? Are you willing to stop using illicit substances? What can you do to improve your chances of not just finding your way to recovery but sustaining that recovery?

Moving from mental illness and substance use to wellness is not easy. Anyone can come to treatment, but what are you willing to do to make recovery work for you? What are you willing to do to improve your situation? What are you willing to do to make your life one that brings you joy and comfort and peace? Are you willing to take a chance on you?

You can complain that life is hard; it is. Or you can embrace the fact that life is hard and look at your life as a marvelous adventure full of good and poor choices, full of ups and downs, peaks and valleys. You can complain that your life sucks or you can embrace the choices that led you to where you are right now and use those choices as opportunities to learn and grow as a human being. the choice is yours.

What are you going to do today to make yourself happy? What are you going to do today to make sure tomorrow is better? What we do with our todays matters. Every day we are confronted with choices and opportunities for personal growth. What can you do today to make yourself a better person? First, you have to determine what that means for you. What does being a better person mean to you? Does that mean living a healthier life? Incorporating exercise into your daily routine and eating healthier foods? Does that mean taking five or 10 minutes out of your busy day to meditate and reflect on the blessings life has bestowed upon you?

What does “better” mean to you? What choices can you make today that will move you a step closer to becoming the person you really want to be, to becoming the person you always were meant to be? Owning your choices will offer you freedom from lamenting where you are today and open up the possibility to end up where you want to be.

We make hundreds if not thousands of choices each and every day. You can come to the end of the day regretting your choices or you can come to the end of the day owning your choices and feeling good about the things you have done to make yourself a better person, a better human being. The choice is up to you.