Most people, at some point in time, have done something or said something they might regret. We all have made mistakes. We may have done something others might consider silly. How we react to those things makes a lot of difference in how we ultimately view ourselves afterward.

I am a firm believer that mistakes are proof that we are trying. Making mistakes is how we learn to do something different, to do something better. Beating ourselves up for our mistakes or transgressions is natural, but is it healthy? What do you tell yourself when you make a mistake? Do you tell yourself that you are stupid? Do you shame yourself for doing something wrong?

There is a difference between shame and guilt. Shame tells us we are bad whereas guilt tells us we have done something bad. Perhaps “bad” is not the right word. Perhaps we should instead say that there may have been a better way of doing something or saying something.

Brene Brown, my social work hero, offers a wonderful TEDTalk on the difference between shame and guilt and how it plays into being vulnerable with oneself and with others. I highly recommend it.

I have said it before and will say it again: How we talk to ourselves matters. Our internal dialogue affects not just the way we think about ourselves, but the way we act toward ourselves and toward others. Do you shame yourself when you have made a mistake? Or, do you accept the fact that perhaps there was a better way of doing something, find the better way, do that and move on? Do you apologize for your mistake and change your behavior? Or do you beat yourself up? How you react to making a mistake or transgression is your choice. Would you not rather learn and grow from your mistake instead of shaming yourself?

We can feel guilty that we have made a mistake, that we perhaps hurt someone with what we have done or with what we have said. Feeling guilty can propel us to make a change in our behavior so that we do not hurt someone again the same way. But shaming ourselves can serve to make the situation worse and keep us from learning from that transgression. Shame keeps us stuck. Shame prevents us from growing.

Very few people I know or who have worked with are bad people. Shame tells us that we are bad. Guilt offers us a chance to own what we have done and make changes in our behavior or speech. Making a mistake does not make us bad people; mistakes make us human. Mistakes tell us something is wrong, they offer us a chance to learn and grow and become better people. Is that not what we deserve? To become better people?