There are very few things in this world that we alone can change. We cannot change the things that happen around us or what other people do, say or think. Oftentimes, however, people come to me wanting me to help them force a loved one or partner to change. Unfortunately, I cannot make someone change who sees no problems with his or her behavior.

The only thing I can help you with is changing yourself and you have to want to change. It was Mahatma Ghandi who said, “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” Nothing changes unless you change yourself, the way you think and behave and the way you react to things and others around you.

I recently was working with a young woman who spent nearly all of our hour-long session telling me how her husband needed to change. When I asked her why she came to therapy, she said she wanted him to change. I asked her what she would like to work on and she said she wanted help making him change. That is not my role as a counselor. I can help her change her reaction to the things her husband says and does, but from where I am sitting, without him in the room being a willing participant to change, I cannot change him. I can help her become a better partner in their relationship, a better woman and wife, but I cannot make him a better husband for her.

So often, we want the people around us to change but what we must realize is that more likely than not it is we who have to change. We have to come to understand that, try as we might, we cannot change others. We can beg, plead, threaten or otherwise try to coerce others into changing but that rarely, if ever, works. People have to want to change some aspect of themselves, their thinking or their behavior. You cannot force others to change. We must have the courage to come to terms with that, otherwise we will be miserable.

Once we realize that all we can do is change our reaction to the way others behave or speak, we can become happier, healthier people. We have to have the ability to let go of the notion that we can somehow change other people. People rarely change unless or until they see an issue with the way they speak to others or behave toward others. You can point this out to people, but until that person is ready to change your efforts to change that person will be wasted. All you can do is change the way you react to that person.

So my question for you today is this: What can you to today to start on your journey toward changing yourself to become a happier, healthier person? Can you talk to someone about helping you accept that your loved one is not going to change until she or he is ready to do so? Can you learn to let go of the notion that you can change another person’s behavior? Can you try to accept the fact that you cannot change the way another person thinks? Doing so will help you find your own way to happiness.

 

 

It is interesting to me how in our society negative emotions are not tolerated. We are told to “be happy” and to “look on the bright side.” There may be nothing wrong with that advice, but I wonder sometimes if saying these things ultimately can have a detrimental effect on people. What happens if we just sit with our negative emotions for a little bit?

Sometimes in my work, I meet people who are dealing with sadness, anger, hurt, loneliness, disappointment. While it is my job to help them feel the opposite of those emotions, it also is my job to help them understand the root of those feelings. Recently, while working with a woman who recently experienced the sudden death of her beloved mother, I noticed that every time I asked her how she was dealing with her loss, she changed the subject. She did not want to sit with the feelings of grief and sadness.

Another client I am working with is experiencing profound disappointment, hurt and sadness in his marriage. He tells me he is angry that his wife does not seem to be working with him on the union but his face and eyes show sadness and hurt. When I ask him about this, he changes the subject. Few people like to confront their negative emotions, much less admit they are feeling these things. Even fewer people are willing to sit with their sadness, hurt, shame, guilt for any period of time. It is uncomfortable, even painful to do this and it takes courage not just to admit that we may be feeling negative emotions but to allow ourselves to really feel them and try to understand from where they are coming.

Some people believe there are six primary emotions: sad, mad, scared, joyful, powerful and peaceful. Each of these six have underlying, deeper feelings. For instance, beneath mad is hurt and under that can be feelings of frustration or disappointment. No one likes to feel these things, but allowing yourself to feel these emotions and try to understand from where they come can lead to healing and eventually, to feeling the opposite, positive emotions.

Allowing ourselves to sit for a few minutes with negative emotions helps us understand why we are feeling the way we do. It can be uncomfortable, yes. Many of us avoid doing so by engaging in behaviors such as self-medicating with drugs or alcohol, developing eating disorders, engaging in excessive exercise, staying constantly busy, becoming workaholics. These types of behaviors often do not permit us the time to actually feel negative emotions. These behaviors keep us from feeling anything, really. We just keep doing and when we are constantly doing, we rarely are feeling.

What happens if we allow ourselves time to just sit and feel? It takes courage to allow ourselves to sit quietly for a few moments and just be present with our emotions. One way to do this is to practice mindfulness. There are apps that can help with this. No one likes to feel negative emotions—they hurt. But by allowing ourselves to feel negative emotions, we open ourselves up to being able to feel positive emotions more fully. Doing so requires courage. What courageous steps can you take today to allow yourself to sit with what you really are feeling?

In my work, I sometimes meet couples who are in distress. They come for help for various reasons: self-esteem issues preventing intimacy, infidelity, frequent arguing.

One of the things that makes working with couples difficult is when one of the two is less invested in repairing the relationship than the other. This can make recovery from whatever issues the couple faces difficult. Something I have noticed in the couples I am working with is that sometimes, the couples do not fight fair. What I mean is, there is name-calling, holding on to past transgressions or physical abuse. None of these is healthy in any relationship. Abuse of any kind is intolerable and should be addressed immediately.

In an effort to help couples rebuild their relationships, I often remind them that no relationship, be it a marriage or long-term commitment is going to be all rainbows and roses. When two people of different backgrounds come together, more likely than not, there are going to be differences that sometimes lead to arguments. The trick is to fight fair. I offer the following tips on fair fighting:

• Before you start fighting, ask yourself why you really feel upset with your partner.

• Discuss one issue at a time.

• Do not use degrading language. No name calling.

• Express your feelings with words and take responsibility for them.

• Take turns talking. Do not interrupt your partner.

• No stonewalling.

• No yelling. Be careful of the tone of voice you use.

• Take a break from the argument if things get too heated.

• Attempt to come to some sort of compromise or understanding.

It is important to remember that relationships take work. When struggling with your partner, it can be useful to remember what drew you to that person in the first place. Maybe it was his sense of humor, her charming personality, his work ethic, her intellect. We come together for myriad reasons; try to remember why you love your partner.

I also try to encourage struggling partners to practice gratitude for their partner. Gratitude journals are helpful for individuals struggling with depression and anxiety, but also can be used to help partners see the good in their loved one. At the end of the day, write down three things your partner did for which you are grateful. Before going to bed with your partner, share those three things with your loved one. Not only does this help you see the good in your loved one, it makes your partner feel valued and appreciated

Relationships are like gardens. They require daily tending and sometimes we forget this. The more we take care of our gardens, the more our flowers bloom and flourish. Relationships are like this, as well. What can you do today to tend to your relationship?