In my work, I sometimes meet couples who are in distress. They come for help for various reasons: self-esteem issues preventing intimacy, infidelity, frequent arguing.

One of the things that makes working with couples difficult is when one of the two is less invested in repairing the relationship than the other. This can make recovery from whatever issues the couple faces difficult. Something I have noticed in the couples I am working with is that sometimes, the couples do not fight fair. What I mean is, there is name-calling, holding on to past transgressions or physical abuse. None of these is healthy in any relationship. Abuse of any kind is intolerable and should be addressed immediately.

In an effort to help couples rebuild their relationships, I often remind them that no relationship, be it a marriage or long-term commitment is going to be all rainbows and roses. When two people of different backgrounds come together, more likely than not, there are going to be differences that sometimes lead to arguments. The trick is to fight fair. I offer the following tips on fair fighting:

• Before you start fighting, ask yourself why you really feel upset with your partner.

• Discuss one issue at a time.

• Do not use degrading language. No name calling.

• Express your feelings with words and take responsibility for them.

• Take turns talking. Do not interrupt your partner.

• No stonewalling.

• No yelling. Be careful of the tone of voice you use.

• Take a break from the argument if things get too heated.

• Attempt to come to some sort of compromise or understanding.

It is important to remember that relationships take work. When struggling with your partner, it can be useful to remember what drew you to that person in the first place. Maybe it was his sense of humor, her charming personality, his work ethic, her intellect. We come together for myriad reasons; try to remember why you love your partner.

I also try to encourage struggling partners to practice gratitude for their partner. Gratitude journals are helpful for individuals struggling with depression and anxiety, but also can be used to help partners see the good in their loved one. At the end of the day, write down three things your partner did for which you are grateful. Before going to bed with your partner, share those three things with your loved one. Not only does this help you see the good in your loved one, it makes your partner feel valued and appreciated

Relationships are like gardens. They require daily tending and sometimes we forget this. The more we take care of our gardens, the more our flowers bloom and flourish. Relationships are like this, as well. What can you do today to tend to your relationship?