It is interesting to me how in our society negative emotions are not tolerated. We are told to “be happy” and to “look on the bright side.” There may be nothing wrong with that advice, but I wonder sometimes if saying these things ultimately can have a detrimental effect on people. What happens if we just sit with our negative emotions for a little bit?

Sometimes in my work, I meet people who are dealing with sadness, anger, hurt, loneliness, disappointment. While it is my job to help them feel the opposite of those emotions, it also is my job to help them understand the root of those feelings. Recently, while working with a woman who recently experienced the sudden death of her beloved mother, I noticed that every time I asked her how she was dealing with her loss, she changed the subject. She did not want to sit with the feelings of grief and sadness.

Another client I am working with is experiencing profound disappointment, hurt and sadness in his marriage. He tells me he is angry that his wife does not seem to be working with him on the union but his face and eyes show sadness and hurt. When I ask him about this, he changes the subject. Few people like to confront their negative emotions, much less admit they are feeling these things. Even fewer people are willing to sit with their sadness, hurt, shame, guilt for any period of time. It is uncomfortable, even painful to do this and it takes courage not just to admit that we may be feeling negative emotions but to allow ourselves to really feel them and try to understand from where they are coming.

Some people believe there are six primary emotions: sad, mad, scared, joyful, powerful and peaceful. Each of these six have underlying, deeper feelings. For instance, beneath mad is hurt and under that can be feelings of frustration or disappointment. No one likes to feel these things, but allowing yourself to feel these emotions and try to understand from where they come can lead to healing and eventually, to feeling the opposite, positive emotions.

Allowing ourselves to sit for a few minutes with negative emotions helps us understand why we are feeling the way we do. It can be uncomfortable, yes. Many of us avoid doing so by engaging in behaviors such as self-medicating with drugs or alcohol, developing eating disorders, engaging in excessive exercise, staying constantly busy, becoming workaholics. These types of behaviors often do not permit us the time to actually feel negative emotions. These behaviors keep us from feeling anything, really. We just keep doing and when we are constantly doing, we rarely are feeling.

What happens if we allow ourselves time to just sit and feel? It takes courage to allow ourselves to sit quietly for a few moments and just be present with our emotions. One way to do this is to practice mindfulness. There are apps that can help with this. No one likes to feel negative emotions—they hurt. But by allowing ourselves to feel negative emotions, we open ourselves up to being able to feel positive emotions more fully. Doing so requires courage. What courageous steps can you take today to allow yourself to sit with what you really are feeling?