Yesterday, I attended the first of two seminars through my work about exposure therapy, which is indicated for people living with anxiety disorders and other mental illnesses. The treatment can help people living with anxiety disorders face their fears and come to place where they can manage the symptoms of anxiety.

One of the things that resonated with me during the seminar was the concept of want versus willing. What do you want to do versus what are you willing to try to move from mental illness to mental wellness. In learning the difference, seminar participants were challenged to do some things people do not normally do, such as eat food that was left on the floor for 30 seconds or eat food that had been placed on a toilet seat … nothing anyone really wants to do. But, are you willing to try these things to move past your fear of germs and contamination? What really is the likelihood that you will become viciously ill if you eat something that was on the floor or toilet seat? Apparently, the likelihood is very little seeing as how I am still here to write about it 24 hours later.

I frequently talk here about having to do the work of therapy, the work of recovery to move from mental illness to mental wellness. Moving away from mental illness requires more than just a wanting to be better; you have to be willing to do the work of therapy to get better. Want versus willing. What are you willing to do to find your way to wellness? Your therapist or counselor can help provide you with the tools to move toward wellness, but you must be willing to do the work of recovery not just to find wellness, but to stay well.

People sometimes come to treatment thinking their therapist or counselor will provide them the answers they are seeking, the solutions to their problems. Your therapist or counselor can help you find those answers, but you have to be willing to work with him or her to find them. You have to be willing to face your fears, sit with uncomfortable emotions and confront your demons if you hope to find wellness. Your counselor cannot simply wave a magic wand and make everything better. You have to be willing to do the work of recovery.

What keeps you from doing the work of recovery? Is it fear? Unwillingness? Are you comfortably uncomfortable in your mental illness or substance use disorder? Are you afraid of change? Comfort zones (however uncomfortable) are great places, but not only does nothing ever grow there, but those zones become smaller over time, trapping you in the fear of change. How are you willing to grow as a person to become better? What are you willing to do to free yourself of the shackles of mental illness or substance use disorders?

You hear it every day: someone making a disparaging comment about another person, someone calling another person a nasty name, someone being rude to another human being for no apparent reason. What causes this? Usually, it is us judging someone harshly for one reason or another.

When we judge another person, call that person a name out loud or even in our own minds, we cast that person in shame. And usually when we judge another, it means that there is a part of us, something in our own life, that is unhealed, something that needs tending to or mending. Sometimes the thing that needs healing is our own hurt, our own pain, something in us that is broken.

I am working with a young woman who frequently calls people in her life nasty names for using substances. This woman is recovering from her own substance use disorder but continues to abuse alcohol. She is not fully healed, which is why it is easy for her to label those in her life who continue to use names like “stoner” and “druggie.” She has not fully recovered from her own substance use disorder so is not coming from a place of love when dealing with those in her life who continue to struggle. It is easy to judge others, but perhaps in fact we are projecting our own feelings toward ourselves onto those around us.

If we try to remember that most everyone is dealing with something about which we may know little or nothing, it is considerably harder to judge others. If we come from a place of love, it is more difficult to cast others in a bad light. This is something everyone can work on, as we all likely find ourselves sometimes judging others. Instead of judging others, perhaps we can laud them for efforts made toward creating for themselves a better life. Perhaps we can offer congratulations for navigating a difficult life challenge. Perhaps we can lift someone up in good thoughts or prayer if you are so inclined instead of judging something in someone else.

When we come from a place of love, we are reminded that we, too, are flawed, perfectly imperfect creatures simply trying our best to make it through whatever struggle we are facing. Others are struggling, as well. No one’s life is perfect. We all are just trying to do our best with what we have. What can you do today to try to step away from judgement and lift others up in thought and deed?

 

 

 

 

 

 

So often in my line of work, I meet individuals or couples who want to improve their lives or relationships. People come to me seeking to relieve themselves of the emotional pain they are enduring or to find a way to reconnect to their partners. They come to me seeking answers, to find hope for a better future, to find a way to improve their lives.

What some people fail to understand is that creating a better future or improving a relationship takes work. Often, people hope that this can be done in just a few short hours, when in reality, this can take several weeks, if not months. And individuals and couples have to be willing to put in the work of therapy to find the answers they are seeking, to improve their lives and relationships. Change can happen but it usually does not come easy and it does not come without them working on their own behalf.

I have said it before and will say it again and again, therapy and recovery works if you work it. You have to be willing to put in the time and effort of therapy if you want therapy to work for you. You have to be willing to actually come to therapy, to do the homework your counselor assigns and to be willing to talk about the things that are troubling you. Anyone can come to treatment but recovery comes down to what you are willing to do to make your life and your relationships better. It isn’t just how bad you want to see something change, it comes down to what you are willing to do, what effort you are willing to put in, what you can do to improve your own life, situation or relationship.

Anyone can come to treatment and talk about the weather, sports or current affairs with their counselor, and these things can be good ice breakers to start a therapy session. But when a client spends the entire hour talking about anything and everything but himself or the couple, I begin to wonder what really is going on with that couple or person. Why do you not want to talk about yourself or your relationship? Are you not willing to work on yourself or your union? Why? Are you not really ready to commit to the work of therapy?

Finding your way to happiness, finding answers to the problems or questions that have left you feeling down is work. Recovery is work and takes daily effort and a commitment to come to therapy willing to talk about what ails you. Your counselor cannot read your mind; you actually have to share what is going on with you before problems can be solved. What are you willing to do in your therapy sessions and between visits with your counselor to improve your life and relationships?