I have found myself amazed in recent weeks by the number of people I have spoken with in my work and personal life who are lonely in their relationships, starved for emotional connection and unconditional love. But what is even more astounding is how many of the people I have encountered do not believe that such connectedness, such love actually exists … at least for them.

So many people it seems, find themselves in relationships that leave them wanting for more. They may have pair bonded for a variety of reasons, such as convenience, financial security, companionship but now find themselves longing for something more yet unsure not just how to obtain that “more,” but what that might mean for them or if that even exists.

One young woman I am working with told me that she is not even sure unconditional love is possible for her. She was raised in a family where she had to earn her love, as though it were a reward for good behavior. Her parents were unable to provide her with the love she deserved simply for being their child, for being human. So, she has learned and come to believe that love is a reward that must be earned. She is having trouble believing that she is worthy of love, belonging and emotional connection simply because she is human. She has trouble with the idea that unconditional love exists for her.

She finds herself trapped in a relationship that started more because she did not want to be alone than because she was in love. Now more than a decade later, she is wondering if there is more out there, if real love and emotional connectedness exists. How many of us find ourselves in relationships that seem to continue not because they are fulfilling but because we have convinced ourselves that that is all we deserve. How many of us have convinced ourselves that our relationships are good enough, that because we are not painfully miserable we will stay. How many of us stay in unfulfilling relationships simply out of a sense of loyalty?  At what point do we decide we deserve more? At what point do we decide that we deserve better?

Change happens when it becomes too painful to remain where we are. Change happens when we become aware that we deserve better, that we deserve to be loved and deeply connected with someone who honors our hopes and dreams. Change happens when we realize that we are worthy of love and belonging. Change happens when we come to love ourselves unconditionally and decide that we no longer are willing to accept less than that from our mates.

Everyone deserves to be in relationships with people who truly love them, who want to stay because the idea of being without their other is unimaginable. When we stay out of a misplaced sense of loyalty, we may be depriving ourselves of the love and connectedness we deserve. That is not to say that such a bond cannot be created in existing relationships, but both partners have to be willing to work on exploring their emotions and be willing to share with their partner their innermost feelings. Relationships can be mended and strengthened if both partners are willing to show their true selves, to become better partners and risk sharing their emotions and need for connection.

What are you willing to do to find the love you deserve? Are you willing to share your true feelings, your hopes and desires? Are you willing to risk sharing your emotions with your partner so that you can build the bond you deserve?

 

 

I recently started working with a woman who has found herself in a life she did not imagine, plan for or dream of. She feels stuck, trapped, unsure of where she is headed. She is lost and uncertain.

This woman has found herself in a loveless marriage with two young daughters and not only is unhappy but not quite sure how she ended up where she is. She tells me she never really loved the man to whom she is married, to whom she vowed to spend her life. She tells me hers is a marriage of convenience. He is a good provider but emotionally unavailable. He works six days a week so is not truly present in the marriage. She is lonely and longing for connection.

Her story is not entirely unique. Many people find themselves in relationships that leave them starved for connection. Many people have longed for a connection to a trusted other for many years, if not their entire lives. They may have felt disconnected from or even rejected by their parents and siblings. They may not have close relationships with friends. This could stem from early attachment wounds that left them feeling as though they never were truly loved or belonged in their families.

These attachment wounds tend to repeat themselves in later relationships, leaving one feeling perpetually lonely, empty and starved for love and attention. These feelings can lead to depression and anxiety, leaving one feeling completely alone yet desperate for connection. There is hope. There is the possibility that this particular woman’s marriage can be salvaged, if that is what she truly wants. She dreams of an emotional connection with her husband but is not sure he is capable of providing that for her. The couple would benefit from counseling to determine what goals each partner has for the relationship. She dreams of a happy marriage, one that is emotionally fulfilling, but fears it may be too late. He may want that, as well. That is my hope.

Early attachment wounds do not have to mean a lifetime of relationships devoid of emotional connection if one is willing to work to discover how the wounds occurred and how to mend them. There is hope to create fulfilling relationships, but that requires the one who suffered the wound to look within and find the courage to work with his or her partner to build the relationship that is desired and deserved.

We are wired for connection and deserve love and belonging simply because we are human beings. We deserve to love and be loved fully and completely by our partners, parents and siblings. But, we have to have the courage to tell those we love that we need to feel connected, heard and felt. We have to have the courage to tell our partners that we do not just need more but deserve more from our relationship. Doing so can be scary and can take practice with a trusted mental health professional.

If you are seeking a deeper connection with your partner but do not know how to go about achieving that, reach out. There are people who can help you work with your partner to create the relationship you deserve. You do not have to be alone in your longing for connection.

 

 

I recently spent a long weekend with my best gal pals and one day ventured to a nearby beach, where a family was playing. One of the kids playing on a beach was a young girl of perhaps seven or eight years old, with her mother nearby. The young girl was playing in a bathing suit, but mom was completely covered up. I wondered aloud to one of my friends, “At what age do we start teaching our daughters to hate their bodies?”

The answer, it seems, is fairly young. I started working with a family this week whose mother has lived with anorexia and bulimia since she was about 15 years old and at the age of 32 continues to practice eating disorder behaviors, including compulsive exercising and calorie restriction. It is something I understand all too well. However, this particular mother has started speaking to her oldest daughter, who is seven years old, in a way that seems to be body shaming. The mother told me that she has been speaking to her daughter about the food she puts in her body, the importance of exercise and how what she looks like matters. None of these things in and of themselves is indicative of mom leading daughter down the slippery slope toward disordered eating, but altogether spell danger.

While it is important to be cognizant of what you put in your body, what mom needs to understand is that most children have not yet come to enjoy their vegetables and tend to enjoy things like chicken nuggets and hot dogs. That is not to say that mom should not encourage her daughter to eat healthy foods, but nutrition means balance and for growing children (and adults), a variety of foods is best.

While it was concerning that mom already was talking to her daughter about the foods she is eating, what was even more upsetting was that mom seemed to be teaching her daughter to hate her body. Indeed, the daughter has started describing herself as “fat,” even though she is not fat. The daughter has started exercising like mom and during our initial session was talking about how she had to get her workout in. What is mom really teaching her daughter?

Yes, exercise is important. Yes, eating healthy foods is important. But so is loving yourself not just for what you look like but for who you are. Are you kind, caring, compassionate, loving toward yourself and others? Are you a good person? Are you a loyal friend? Are you helpful? I am fearful that mom is teaching her daughter to put more emphasis on what her body looks like than what it can do and on the person her daugther is becoming.

Bodies come in all shapes and sizes, as does beauty. But beauty is not just skin deep. True beauty is reflected in who we are as people, not just the shape of our bodies. We have to stop teaching our children that what we look like matters more than who we are as human beings. We have to start teaching our children that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes and that we should appreciate our bodies for what they allow us to do, rather than simply how they look.