I recently started working with a woman who has found herself in a life she did not imagine, plan for or dream of. She feels stuck, trapped, unsure of where she is headed. She is lost and uncertain.

This woman has found herself in a loveless marriage with two young daughters and not only is unhappy but not quite sure how she ended up where she is. She tells me she never really loved the man to whom she is married, to whom she vowed to spend her life. She tells me hers is a marriage of convenience. He is a good provider but emotionally unavailable. He works six days a week so is not truly present in the marriage. She is lonely and longing for connection.

Her story is not entirely unique. Many people find themselves in relationships that leave them starved for connection. Many people have longed for a connection to a trusted other for many years, if not their entire lives. They may have felt disconnected from or even rejected by their parents and siblings. They may not have close relationships with friends. This could stem from early attachment wounds that left them feeling as though they never were truly loved or belonged in their families.

These attachment wounds tend to repeat themselves in later relationships, leaving one feeling perpetually lonely, empty and starved for love and attention. These feelings can lead to depression and anxiety, leaving one feeling completely alone yet desperate for connection. There is hope. There is the possibility that this particular woman’s marriage can be salvaged, if that is what she truly wants. She dreams of an emotional connection with her husband but is not sure he is capable of providing that for her. The couple would benefit from counseling to determine what goals each partner has for the relationship. She dreams of a happy marriage, one that is emotionally fulfilling, but fears it may be too late. He may want that, as well. That is my hope.

Early attachment wounds do not have to mean a lifetime of relationships devoid of emotional connection if one is willing to work to discover how the wounds occurred and how to mend them. There is hope to create fulfilling relationships, but that requires the one who suffered the wound to look within and find the courage to work with his or her partner to build the relationship that is desired and deserved.

We are wired for connection and deserve love and belonging simply because we are human beings. We deserve to love and be loved fully and completely by our partners, parents and siblings. But, we have to have the courage to tell those we love that we need to feel connected, heard and felt. We have to have the courage to tell our partners that we do not just need more but deserve more from our relationship. Doing so can be scary and can take practice with a trusted mental health professional.

If you are seeking a deeper connection with your partner but do not know how to go about achieving that, reach out. There are people who can help you work with your partner to create the relationship you deserve. You do not have to be alone in your longing for connection.