In recent weeks, I have found myself in both my personal life and work dealing a lot with shame. Some people confuse shame with guilt. Guilt says, “I have done something bad.” Shame, on the other hand, says, “I am bad.”

But shame goes deeper. Shame says, “I am not worthy” and “I am not lovable the way I am.” Shame tells us that we are not doing enough, working enough, trying hard enough. Shame can lead us down the path of judging others. Whenever we judge others, we are coming not from love but from a place in ourselves that is not healed, a place that needs time and love and attention.

I have found myself in a bit of a shame storm this week after agreeing to participate in something that I really did not want to do. After agreeing to do this, I found myself harshly judging others at my gym, while driving about town and in other arenas. I flew into a rage about something minor and then scolded myself harshly for doing so. I was not coming from a place of love for myself. I was coming from a place of shame.

How does one navigate a shame storm? First, take a few moments to sit with what you are feeling. What is beneath the judgement and the anger. It is hurt? Is it guilt? Is it shame? Are you feeling as though you have betrayed your values? Are you feeling unworthy of love and belonging because of something you thought, did or said?

Second, tell your story to a trusted other. Make sure that person is someone who you can trust with your feelings, someone who will sit with you in your pain and not judge you. Allow yourself to be vulnerable with that person. Be careful, though, who you choose to share your story with. It is difficult to be vulnerable with someone who is hurting you, who you do not fully trust with your feelings.

Next, practice self-compassion. Allow yourself to forgive yourself for what you may have thought, said or done. If you have wronged someone and it is appropriate, apologize with changed behavior. If you have violated your values, try to determine what caused you to do so and rectify the situation. Did you agree to do something you really did not want to do? Is there a way to gracefully back out of that commitment without stepping on anyone’s toes or fracturing a valued relationship? If not, you may have to go through with your promise but in so doing, try to remember not to agree to something where your values are compromised again.

If we do not deal with shame, it will fester and tell us that we are not worthy of love. This can lead to feelings of self-hatred. Self-hatred, in turn, can lead to us judging others harshly, projecting our feelings onto others who likely do not deserve our wrath. A trained mental health professional can help you navigate your way out of shame and self-hatred. Reach out. Find someone you trust to share your story.

 

 

I often find myself thinking how curious it is to see how other people see us. All too often and understandably, we do not see ourselves as others do. Sometimes we see ourselves in a good light, knowing that we are strong, capable, intelligent, kind, caring and compassionate. But, sometimes we can only see the bad in ourselves and find ourselves wondering how long it will take before others see that in us as well, and what will happen when others do. Will those people leave us? Will we be left alone? Are we even worthy of their love and friendship in the first place?

What happens when our negative inner critics take over and negative self-talk becomes our primary internal voice? Oftentimes, that negative self-talk can carry us to a place of self-hatred. We begin to believe all the bad things we say to ourselves and convince ourselves not just that we are bad people but that we are not worthy of love and belonging.

Negative self-talk can stem from external messages we received as children growing up. It can be the result of narcissistic abuse we suffered as children or even as adults from our partners in past relationships. The messages we internalized play a role in how we begin to talk to ourselves and ultimately can change our self-perception. Perhaps we were told as children that we needed to lose weight and now we presume that we are fat even though we may not actually be so. Perhaps we were told as children that we needed to improve our grades in school and so came to believe that we were not smart or capable. Perhaps we never could garner the love or attention we needed from our parents when we were children and thus came to believe that we were not worthy of love. The negative self-talk that follows from these examples are that we are fat, unintelligent and unworthy. But is that the truth?

Likely, our friends and current partners do not believe those things about us. But for those whose internal monologue is negative, there is a constant fear that they will be found out for who they really are and will be left behind. Those whose internal critics are negative will convince themselves that they are unlovable and unworthy. They cannot see themselves as others see them.

One way to get out of the rut of negative self-talk is to practice self-compassion. If we try to be compassionate toward ourselves, cutting a break for ourselves and speaking to ourselves the way we would a friend or loved one, that negative self-talk will fade away. Instead of speaking to ourselves harshly, say kind and loving things to yourself.

Try practicing saying positive self-affirmations aloud to yourself. Yes, it may feel silly at first but the more one practices, not only will it become easier but the more one will come to believe the things he or she is saying. Try writing a positive self-affirmation such as “I am worthy of love” on your bathroom mirror with a wet/dry marker and practice saying that aloud as you ready yourself for work in the morning and get ready for bed at night. Or, write “I am kind, caring, compassionate” on that mirror and practice saying that. The more you do it, the more you will come to believe it.

Working with a therapist or counselor also may help you get away from negative self-talk, but it will require some effort and consistency. The more you change your internal monologue, the more you will come to see yourself as others see you: as the lovable person you really are.