With Thanksgiving now upon us and the holiday season under way, it seems a good time to think about gratitude. This time of year tends to remind people to be thankful for the good in their lives, their friends and family, their jobs and homes. We are reminded at this time of year to reflect on our blessings.

For some people, this comes naturally. For others, though, this can be a bit of a challenge if they have been stuck in a pattern of negative thinking. Negative thinking can skew one’s perspective, making it difficult to find joy in anything or to be thankful for the bounty in one’s life. For those who live with negative thinking, I suggest a gratitude journal or ending the day by thinking of three good things for which you are grateful. Those three things do not have to be big things; they can be little things that brought you joy.  Perhaps your coffee was particularly good this morning … be grateful for that. Perhaps your hair turned out great today … be grateful for that. Perhaps the sun is shining … be grateful for that. Perhaps you received a text from a friend … be grateful for that. The more you practice gratitude for the small things, the more grateful, and thus, happy, you will be in your life. Gratitude is the birthplace of joy.

If you need help to find things for which to be grateful, perhaps these questions may help:

• Who was kind to you today?

• What did you enjoy doing today?

• Who helped you out today?

• What did you learn today?

• Who made you smile today?

• What was your favorite taste, smell, touch, sight or sound from today?

• What do you like about your neighborhood?

• Who thanked you today?

• Who loves you?

Answering these questions may help you find the positives in your day and help you find things for which you can be grateful. The more you look for the good things, the more good things you will find. It takes practice, but seeking out the positives in your life can help you feel more content. Not every day may be good, but there usually is good in every day. Some days, you just might have to look a little bit harder.

 

 

 

It seems as though the holiday season starts earlier and earlier every year. Just running to the mall yesterday to pick up something, I spied Christmas decorations aplenty and heard Christmas music playing over the loud speakers. The holiday season now seems to begin with Halloween. Now more than ever, it seems as though we quickly can find ourselves starting to get overwhelmed with family activities, gatherings with friends and shopping for that perfect gift for our loved ones.

It is important to remember in all the hustle and bustle of the holiday season that we need to take care of ourselves first. I understand the desire to do for others during this time of year, but try to remember that you cannot pour from an empty cup. If you do not take care of yourself, how can you possibly take care of others?

Taking good care of ourselves during this time of year can mean everything from eating right to getting enough sleep and exercising for at least 30 minutes a day to keep those endorphins firing. Taking good care of ourselves also means practicing self-care. For those who struggle with the idea of self-care, here are some ideas that you might consider:

1. Read a book or magazine for an hour.
2. Sit on the front porch wrapped in a warm blanket. Just. Sit.
3. Take a bubble bath complete with candles and calming music.
4. Pick or buy a bouquet of fresh flowers.
5. Take a leisurely walk without a destination in mind.
6. Put on a homemade face mask.
7. Give myself permission to binge watch my latest show obsession without guilt.
8. Take a nap.
9. Order in dinner.
10. Do something crafty such as painting, coloring, knitting or sewing.
11. Go to the library or bookstore. Sit in a comfy chair and read.
12. Watch funny YouTube videos.
13. Sit in the grass and watch the clouds float by.
14. Look at the stars.
15. Have a dance party to your favorite music.
16. Take a mental health day without feeling an ounce of guilt about it.
17. Burn a candle or diffuse some oils that have scents that bring you joy.
18. Sit in a coffee shop, sip on a luxurious drink and people watch.
19. Walk around the fancy grocery store without a list. Buy some stuff just for fun.
20. Try out a new hobby.
21. Practice yoga.
22. Cook breakfast for yourself before anyone else.
23. Sing at the top of your lungs. Preferably in the car and with the windows down.
24. Go for a drive without a particular destination in mind.
25. Close yourself off in a room and listen to the latest episode of your favorite podcast.
26. Have a 20 minute stretching session.
27. Go to the park and play on the playground. Be a kid again!
28. Go swimming just for fun, not exercise.
29. Plan an extravagant vacation just for fun.
30. Wear an outfit that makes you feel great, even if you have nowhere particular to go in it.
31. Declutter a spot in your house that’s been bugging you.
32. Write a list of “annoying tasks” that have been weighing on you, set a timer and knock them out in an hour.
33. Bake a dessert you love. And then eat it without guilt.
34. Watch the sun rise or set. Don’t take any pictures or post about it on social media. Just watch.
35. Have a picnic (by yourself even).
36. Go to bed early or sleep in late.
37. Research something that you’ve been interested in but haven’t had the time to dive into.
38. Edit who you follow on social media (if they don’t bring you joy, eliminate them no matter how nice, inspiring or cool they are).
39. Go to a museum: art, childrens’, history, science—whatever brings you joy that day.
40. Go to a cocktail hour at a bar and enjoy a drink.
41. Buy a fun treat for yourself at the store when you go grocery shopping. Enjoy it as a reward for feeding your family nourishing food.
42. Get a massage.
43. Spend time out in the garden.
44. Take the time to do your hair and makeup, for no other reason than it makes you feel put together.
45. Write a list of 10 things you’re grateful for and why.
46. Make myself a batch of infused water to sip throughout the day.
47. Buy yourself a new set of pens or markers.
48. Write a letter (or an e-mail) to an old friend.
49. Cook a fancy meal for no other reason than you deserve a fancy meal.
50. Say “no” to someone without explanation.

Sometimes in the midst of the holiday season, we can start to feel as though we have lost control over our own lives as we run about here and there. Self-care is how you take your power back. Self-care is not selfish; it is necessary to take care of others. Remember this holiday season to take time to take care of you and you will be better able to take care of those you love.

It has been said that when we judge others, we do so from a place in our hearts, souls and minds that is broken, that needs attention and healing. When we judge others, we sometimes criticize them for things that we find in ourselves to be loathsome.

When we find ourselves condemning substance users as “stoners,” “potheads” or “boozers,” we may be in fact judging ourselves for our own current or past substance use. When we criticize others for being overweight, we may be feeling heavy our out-of-shape ourselves. When we call someone “stupid,” we may be feeling less intelligent than others. When we call someone “lazy,” we may be feeling as though we could do more. We judge others when we ourselves are hurting.

So it seems with two young ladies I am working with. One is early in her recovery from substance use disorder and frequently calls those in her life who continue to use “potheads” and “stoners.” She herself is not yet fully healed. Another young lady I am working with frequently calls her husband, from whom she is divorcing, everything from “lazy” to “stupid.” She is hurting because of the demise of their relationship and is lashing out to protect her own feelings. She is feeling hurt and rejected.

If we try to come from a place of love for ourselves, it becomes less easy to judge others. The less harsh we are with ourselves, the less harsh we may be in thinking about or describing others. If we use with ourselves kind and loving words, it becomes easier to do so with others in our lives.  If we try to give ourselves credit for our positive attributes, it becomes easier to do so with others. And if we try to remember that others are trying to do the best they can with what they have right now, it becomes more difficult to judge them on what we may perceive as their shortcomings.

Judging others less starts with being kind and gentle with yourself. What can you do today to try to remember that everyone is doing the best they can? What can you to do today to try to be less judgemental of others in your life?

I recently started working with a young lady who lives with profound depression and is plagued with near-constant thoughts of suicide. She told me she sees no point to her life, no point to living because she cannot fathom the idea of ever being happy, of ever finding happiness.

This young lady lives with perpetual negative thinking and frequently beats herself up for making any kind of mistake. There are few things she likes about herself or her life. She does not enjoy her job but is taking college courses working toward a better career. She is in a relationship but has convinced herself her young man is ready to leave her at any moment. While he is supportive, she suspects he will tire of her. She cannot find happiness in much of anything.

She has felt this way for so long, she cannot see her way out of it. She has become comfortably uncomfortable in her depression. She asked me what is the point in trying to be happy when sadness always returns. I suggested that perhaps one has to have the dark days in order to appreciate the light. She paused for a moment and smiled at that thought.

In speaking with this young woman, she admitted that she chooses to remain sad, that she can make herself feel sadness even when she is having better days. I suggested to her that perhaps, if she can choose sadness, she can choose happiness. Another small smile came to her face. Can you choose happiness? Can you choose the way you feel? To some extent, I believe this is true. Certainly, chemical imbalances can contribute to depression. Medication can help with that. But also contributing to one’s outlook on life is the way one looks at things. If you look for darkness, certainly darkness will be there. If you look for light, light will be there. The choice is up to you.

I suggested this young lady start looking for the light by using a gratitude journal. Start by thinking of three things that happened during the day for which you are thankful. These three things do not have to be big things; they can be small things. Perhaps you enjoyed a good cup of coffee or tea in the morning. Perhaps your hair turned out just right. Perhaps the sun was shining today. Perhaps there were beautiful flowers to see on your way to work. You might not like your job, but perhaps you can be thankful for being employed. Perhaps you do not have a great car, but maybe your car gets you from Point A to Point B. Be thankful for that. Perhaps you received a text message from a friend or loved one. Be thankful for that. Practicing gratitude helps you find the good in your day and gratitude is the birthplace of joy.

Certainly, you can look for the bad in your days. That is a choice. It might take a little more effort to see the good, but with practice it will become habit and joy will return to your life. You can choose to stay comfortably uncomfortable in your sadness, or you can choose to let happiness into your life. The choice is yours.