And so it seems, Christmas and New Year’s are upon us. It all seems to have happened so suddenly. And sometimes with the holidays, for me and countless others, comes a bit of grief. Many of us are particularly impacted at this time of year having had lost those we loved. My own mother died two days before Christmas in 2012. The holidays never will be the same for me. Perhaps something similar is true for you, as well.

There are ways to manage your feelings of grief during the holidays. One thing to remember is that we do not necessarily move on from grief, we move through it. We grow through it. Grief is a process and we all move through it not just in our own way, but at our own pace and in our own time. There is no “right” way to grieve and there is no timetable on grief.

Managing grief through the holiday season can mean different things to different people. Perhaps you are grieving the loss of a loved one, but more deeply perhaps you are grieving the loss of a relationship you wish you had had with that loved one, something deeper and more connected than that which you actually experienced. Give yourself permission to accept that that person did the best they can with what they had, that they offered you the love the could give, in his or her own way.

Sometimes managing grief through the holiday season can mean you allow yourself to honor the person you lost in ways that are special only to you. Perhaps it means lighting a candle for that person on the day he or she passed. Perhaps it means wearing your loved one’s favorite color during the holidays. Perhaps it means listening to your loved one’s favorite music. Perhaps it means enjoying your loved one’s favorite food or meal on Christmas or New Year’s Eve. Give yourself permission to honor your loved one in a way you feel appropriate.

Navigating the holidays when also experiencing grief may mean taking a break from attending gatherings where you might be reminded of your loved one. It could mean spending more or less time with other family members. You are allowed to do what is best for you at this time. You are allowed to grieve in your own way, with or without other people around you. Sometimes we need to grieve alone, we need time alone to simply remember our lost loved one. Perhaps we need time alone simply to cry. And that is okay. There is nothing wrong with spending time by yourself for yourself.

The holiday season can be a challenging time of year for anyone who has lost a loved one, regardless of how long ago that person passed. Remember to be kind to yourself at this time of year. Try to remember the good times you had with your loved one and the feelings those times evoked.

For some, the loss is more complicated. Perhaps the relationship you had with your loved one was tumultuous, even abusive. That does not mean you are not grieving the loss of that person. Perhaps more so you are grieving the hope that that relationship could have been any different. There still is loss there, and it is okay to be hurting because of that. Perhaps this time of year means spending more time with the people with whom you have secure relationships. Perhaps this time of year means spending more time with the people who make you feel whole, who nourish your soul. And that, too, is okay.

However you grieve, as long as it does not hurt another person, is the right way to grieve … for you. No one has the right to tell you to “get over it.” No one has the right to tell you to “move on.” You grieve in your own time. In your own way. At your own pace.