For some time now, I have been working with a client who carries her anger like a suitcase she cannot put down. She relates that she cannot remember a time when she was not angry and irritable. She does not remember who she was before anger took over her life.

I likened her anger to a suitcase that is packed to popping with feelings of irritability, resentment and hurt. At some point, that suitcase becomes too heavy to carry and one must start unpacking. She told me it is easier to carry around that anger—that heavy suitcase—than it is to admit that what she really is feeling is hurt and betrayal. I understand that.

Anger can be a healthy expression of emotion, absolutely. But sometimes anger is a mask for deeper feelings of hurt, betrayal, loss or loneliness. The anger is easier because it protects us from those feelings that sometimes can leave us feeling vulnerable. There is a power to the anger in that it keeps the deeper feelings at bay. The problem with anger is, though, that when our outward appearance projects anger and irritability, it can keep people away, too. That in turn leaves us feeling even more lonely and isolated which can breed more anger.

At some point, that anger is going to become too heavy to carry around with you. At some point, you have to let it go. Doing so can be difficult, even frightening. What if you let go of that anger and start feeling what lies beneath it? What if what you really are feeling is hurt? or lonely? or vulnerable? Those feelings are much more painful than anger.

Sometimes letting go of anger means moving on from someone who might owe you an apology but from whom you likely will not receive one. Sometimes letting go of anger means simply being the bigger person. There are people who may have hurt you and who may have hurt you deeply but may never apologize for doing so. By holding on to the hope or even assumption that that person must apologize in order for you to be whole, you relinquish your power. Take your power back by letting go of your need for an apology and work on making yourself complete without it. Take your power back by letting go of the anger and recognizing that what you really are feeling is hurt, even betrayal. Once you acknowledge your true feelings, you can begin the process of healing.

What small steps can you take today to begin to let go of the anger that weighs you down? Can you look inward and admit your true feelings? Can you learn to move on without an apology you may deserve? Can you reach out to a trusted other to talk about your feelings? Once you start to let go of your anger, that suitcase you have been carrying around will become lighter. You will become lighter. You will start to become the person you want to be.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP