So, it seems, Valentine’s Day is upon us. This is supposed to be a day of love and romance, but I am reminded that for some people, love does not come easy. For some couples, love can be tumultuous.

I have been working with a couple whose common form of discourse is frequent fighting with raised voices and name calling. The couple frequently uses derogatory terms to describe each other. Each partner interrupts the other when one is trying to share his or her feelings. They invalidate each other. But one thing they do in the course of their many arguments is agree to take a time out so that each can cool off.

No relationship is always roses and rainbows. Relationships take work and and a commitment to honor each other’s feelings, thoughts, needs, wants and desires. Fights will happen but there is a way to fight fair.

When in the midst of a fight, try to ask yourself what really is bothering you. Are you really arguing because he left the cap off the toothpaste again? Or are you upset that your need for a clean bathroom counter has been disrespected? Are you really feeling that your needs are going unmet and his leaving the cap off the toothpaste is another piece of evidence that he does not respond to your needs?

Are you piling on during an argument? Are you pulling things that happened days, weeks, months, years ago, from a sort of Rolodex of past transgressions, into the current discussion? Try to keep the current discussion contained to the problem at hand. Bringing up past hurts only serves to keep past wounds open. Deal with one issue at a time, accept each other’s apologies and move on.

Do not use degrading language, disparaging names or put downs. No one is perfect but calling your partner a disparaging name does nothing to create a stronger emotional bond. Calling your partner names does little but build resentment.

Express your feelings with words and take responsibility for them. Use “I feel … ” statements. Try not to blame your partner for your feelings. If you are feeling lonely because you feel disconnected from your partner, trying saying something like “I feel lonely when we don’t talk” instead of using a blaming statement such as “I feel lonely when you don’t call me during the day.” Take responsibility for your feelings and learn to express them in a way that does not leave your partner feeling guilty about the way you feel.

Take turns speaking during an argument. This can be difficult in the heat of an argument but try not to interrupt your partner. It may be helpful to set a timer for a few minutes so that each partner has an opportunity to share his or her thoughts and feelings.

Try not to yell or scream during an argument. It may feel as though you may be winning a fight because you are speaking more loudly than your partner, but raised voices leads to tension and increased feelings of hurt and frustration. The loudest partner does not always win an argument.

Agree to take a time-out if the fight becomes too heated. You may need some time away from your partner to clear your head or just to cool off. Agree to come back to the topic in 15, 30 or 60 minutes when both of you have a had a chance to simmer down.

Attempt to come to a compromise or some understanding of how to proceed. Sometimes there is no clear right or wrong in a fight. Rarely is what caused the argument only one partner’s fault. Agree to work together to resolve the situation. If you cannot come to some sort of compromise at least try to understand where your partner is coming from.

When all else fails, try to remember what drew you to your partner in the first place. Remembering why you came to love that person may help you offer some compassion and understanding toward your partner during an argument. And remember that relationships take work and daily effort and commitment. No relationship is perfect but if you are honest about your feelings, about your needs, wants and desires, you hopefully can avoid violent arguments that could threaten the health of your relationship.