While we continue to quarantine during the COVID-19 pandemic, practicing social distancing and self-isolation I have been thinking a lot about loneliness and how that sensation impacts our lives. I recently have been working with several people who live with substance use disorders and it occurs to me that some of them report lapses or relapses that can be tied almost directly to loneliness.

I also have seen in recent weeks an increase of social media posts about people using alcohol and marijuana to manage during the pandemic. I see people posting about indulging in quarantine cocktails and marijuana edibles to self-medicate during this challenging time.

I also am reading Vivek Murthy’s book “Together,” which is about the science of loneliness and how humans are wired for connection. In it, he links loneliness to addiction. All these things reminded me of a great TEDTalk that posits that everything we know about addiction is wrong. Here is the link to that talk:

What if the solution to substance use disorders is not simply abstinence but connection to others? Certainly, to free oneself of the shackles of addiction, one must stop using drugs, but perhaps there is more to recovery than simply not using.

One of the people I am working with told me just yesterday that one of the reasons she uses cocaine is because she is bored and lonely. She had moved to the area from another state and has not yet formed a friend group here. Her parents live far away from her and her partner frequently is not home. Perhaps if she were to forge better relationships—stronger connections—she could find her way to sobriety with the help of social supports.

Another of the people I am working with recently relapsed with alcohol after a friend ghosted him. He told me that he has been increasingly isolated and lonely because of the pandemic we are facing. Perhaps had he had stronger connections, he might not have relapsed.

Is the answer to addiction connection? While connection might not be the only answer to addiction, I suspect connection can play a huge role in recovery. Perhaps that is why 12-step groups like AA or NA work so well for so many people.

With so many people turning to alcohol and other substances during this pandemic, I wonder how close some folks are to triggering their own addiction. While not everyone who indulges in a daily cocktail or edible will become addicted to alcohol or marijuana, there is that risk. Perhaps instead of reaching for that cocktail or pot-laced brownie, you might consider reaching for the phone and calling or texting a friend or family member?

If you find yourself wondering if you are drinking too much or using drugs problematically, reach out. Call a friend or family member. Set up an appointment with a mental health professional. Find an AA or NA meeting. There are people who can help you find your way to sobriety. There are people who care.

Yesterday, feeling a bit disconnected in the midst of the global health crisis that is the COVID-19 pandemic I started reading Vivek H. Murthy, MD’s book “Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World.” Just one chapter in and I see not just myself in this book but so many others, as well.

So many of us are feeling lonely, disconnected and alone during this time of quarantine. So many of us are longing for connection. So many of us are feeling isolated. While we may be able to reach out to our loved ones via phone calls, text messages and video chats, these things do not completely replace being in physical presence with our family and friends. It helps, but still is not the same.

My hope is that we can be with our loved ones soon. Until then, this may be a good time to think about what you really are missing when not with those you love. Feeling lonely and isolated can mean so many things, but perhaps what is happening is that we are feeling unheard and unseen, disconnected emotionally. Loneliness often means that our emotional needs are not being met, that we are not being seen for our true selves. But, how do we fix this when we cannot be with those we love, our dearest friends and family?

I wonder if part of the answer is to allow ourselves to be vulnerable. What might happen if we reached out to our loved ones and told them exactly what we are feeling? What might happen if we told our loved ones that we are feeling isolated, unheard and unseen? What might happen if were to tell our loved ones that we are feeling fragile, frightened and fearful? For so many of us, our first response to those questions may be to say we might be rejected and then left feeling even more alone. But, what if our loved ones were to respond that they are feeling the same way? My suspicion is that many of us are feeling this way but that because of the fear of being rejected, we do not share our true feelings.

It takes a lot of courage to allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Vulnerability feels scary, largely in part because we do not want to be rejected. Being rejected makes us feel even more isolated and alone. But I believe that many of us are feeling somewhat frightened right now because of the pandemic. Many of us are feeling uncertainty about what is going on and what the future may hold. Many of us are longing for some kind of normal, whatever normal means to us. What might happen if we allowed ourselves to be fully seen and heard and voiced those concerns? Perhaps we might forge stronger connections with those we love. Perhaps we might come to a better understanding not just of ourselves but of our loved ones.

While we continue to shelter in place for at least a few more weeks, think about ways you can connect with others on an emotional level if you are feeling lonely. Think about what you truly are feeling and summon the courage to share those feelings with trusted others. I suspect you will find that you are, in fact, not alone in feeling the way you do. I suspect many of us are feeling the same way. I know I am.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In the past few weeks, I have started listening to a couple of podcasts that have really resonated with me not just as a mental health professional but as a human being trying to navigate the sometimes challenging feelings that I am confronted with because of COVID-19. I have found these podcasts helpful on many levels as I try to get in touch with what I am feeling about what I am feeling.

So many of us are feeling so many things, often all at once. I, like many people, feel sadness tinged with hope that someday things will return to some kind of normal. I, like many people, am feeling both taxed and wanting to give back during these challenging times. I , like many people, am feeling frustrated but grateful.

With everything going on right now, many of us may be feeling a combination of bad and good feelings and that is okay. We do not have to stuff the bad feelings away in an effort to try to remain positive about what is happening in the world right now. It is okay to sit with those bad or negative emotions and feelings, and be curious and compassionate about them. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you may be feeling, good and bad.

Both Brene Brown and Susan David have been talking about feelings in their podcasts and I highly recommend both. Brene Brown’s recently talked about giving yourself permission to feel in her Unlocking Us podcast while Susan David speaks about allowing yourself to feel negative emotions. Here is the link to Susan David’s talk:

 

 

 

David’s talk is only about 15 minutes if you have the time to check in with yourself and what you really are feeling. With everything going on and society’s relentless need to tell us that we have to remain positive, it can be difficult to allow yourself permission to feel what you really may be feeling, including sad, hopeless, frustrated or angry. All of those negative feelings are valid and it is okay to have those feelings.

While there is something to be said for trying to remain positive when the world seemingly has turned upside down, there also is something in allowing yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling. You are not a bad person for having negative emotions; that simply makes you human. If you are having difficulty managing those negative feelings, now may be a good time to reach out to someone to talk about your feelings, be that a friend, family member or mental health professional.

You are not alone in feeling both good and bad emotions in this pandemic. So many of us are feeling conflicting emotions about what is going on right now. Whatever you are feeling is valid and you are entitled to your emotions. Allow yourself to sit with both the good and bad feelings. Offer yourself compassion for feeling sad, angry or frustrated. Offer yourself compassion for being human.