We are coming up on Valentine’s Day, a day where we show others just how much we love them. I wonder what would happen if we showed ourselves that same love that we give so freely to others? How often do we criticize ourselves and speak to ourselves in ways we never would address friends or loved ones? How we talk to ourselves matters. Years ago, a teacher spoke to me about the importance of self-love, the unconditional love of self that fosters a strong sense of self-esteem. As I age, I understand more and more how self-love is essential to my being.

Self-love is not selfish love. Self-love does not mean putting my needs, wants and desires above everyone else’s. Self-love involves speaking kindly to oneself, it means being compassionate toward oneself, it involves being patient with oneself. Self-love means understanding that you are doing the best you can with what you have right now. Self-love means taking care of yourself, for if you do not take care of yourself, how can you possibly take care of anyone else?

I recently practiced self-love for a month or so. Sure, it was difficult at first, but the more I practiced, the easier it became (as is the case with anything). Instead of speaking harshly to myself when I made a mistake, I reminded myself that mistakes are our way of learning how to do something better. I used terms such as “darling” and “honey” and “beautiful” to refer to myself instead of more derogatory terms. I spoke to myself the way I would address a friend or loved one, with kindness and compassion.

We almost never would speak to our friends and loved ones in the ways we sometimes speak to ourselves. And we certainly never would tolerate being spoken to by anyone else the way we sometimes speak to ourselves. What we say to ourselves matters. How can we love ourselves when we refer to ourselves in derogatory, harsh ways? What would happen if instead of calling ourselves something like “dumbass” we called ourselves “darling?” What would happen if instead of berating ourselves for making a mistake, we congratulated ourselves on doing so and for having the courage to find a way to do something better?

We all deserve love and belonging and that love should start with love of self. Self-love takes practice, indeed. What can you do today to start your journey of self-love? Can you find something beautiful about yourself and offer yourself a compliment? Can you find something you are good at and congratulate yourself? Can you find healthy ways to show yourself love? The more you practice self-love by offering yourself kindness and compassion, the easier it will be to show others love.