I find it interesting these days how much so many of us have come to rely on others to validate us. It is so interesting how so many of us rely on social media to tell us that we are loved, that we are worthy of belonging. We post on social media in the hopes that we will receive “likes” and thumbs-up, perhaps in order to prove that we are worthy of love. Those “likes” and thumbs-up validate us, as if our entire existence depends on whether others see and read our posts.

What happens when we begin to rely on others to validate us? What happens when our sole source of validation comes from others, be it in the form of “likes” on social media or compliments from others? What happens when we fail to validate ourselves? In the long run, more likely than not our perception of ourselves can shift and we lose our joy by comparing ourselves to others. What happens if instead, we validate ourselves by practicing positive self-affirmations and by taking care of ourselves in ways that feel nourishing?

When we rely on others for validation, we put our power of self-love in others’ hands. When that happens, we start to lose sight of who we really are. We can fall victim to how others see us, which may not be how we really are. Oftentimes, people do not or cannot see who we truly are. They see only what they want to see or what we are willing to show them. The only people who really know us is, in fact, us. Instead of seeking validation from others for what they can see, try practicing validating yourself for all you are.

If you cannot validate yourself, if you cannot practice positive self-affirmations, you will find yourself constantly disappointed because people do not always see you for who you really are. I understand that practicing positive self-affirmations can feel awkward but I assure you that the more you practice doing so not only will it seem less awkward, but the more you will come to believe what you are saying to yourself.

I recently started working with a young woman who has started feeling unattractive and has been seeking external validation for her appearance from others rather than taking steps to make herself feel more attractive so that she feels good about herself. I wondered aloud with her about what might happen if she started to take steps to make herself feel more attractive, perhaps by exercising and eating healthy or by wearing things that make her feel beautiful. She indicated that she had not really thought about those things, about making herself feel beautiful and self-validating. The more we take steps to validate ourselves, the less we feel the need to seek validation from others. And the more we do that, the more we come to love ourselves for ourselves rather than for how others view us.

Practicing self-validation by offering yourself positive self-affirmations could mean telling yourself you are intelligent, strong and beautiful while looking in the mirror while getting dressed for the day. It could mean writing down three things you find attractive about yourself when you wake up in the morning or before you go to bed at night. You can offer yourself positive self-affirmations anytime throughout your day by simply noticing when you feel good about yourself and why.

We all seek external validation from time to time. The trouble in that comes when we come to rely solely on external validation to prove to ourselves that we are worthy of love and belonging. Social media makes that exponentially worse, as we can tend to compare ourselves to others we follow and use that comparison as a basis for validation. The more we come to practice self-validation, the less we need others to tell us that we are smart, strong, beautiful and worthy of love and belonging. You are worthy of love and belonging simply because you are a human being. The more you come to tell yourself that, the less you need to rely on others to do so.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

We are more than a year now into the COVID-19 pandemic and some of us are starting to really feel the weight, the heaviness of, well, everything. Some of us are finding ourselves feeling stressed and anxious about not being able to be with our family and friends, of continuing to have to work from home or of having to go to the office and be with other people. Some of us are finding ourselves not sure how to manage the feelings that come along with stress and anxiety.

When we are feeling stressed and anxious, we sometimes find that do not know how to make ourselves feel better in ways that are healthy and adaptable. Sometimes we are inclined to turn to alcohol or other substances. For some, this can become problematic and make stress and anxiety exponentially worse. There are other alternatives. There are healthy ways to manage stress and anxiety.

One of the best ways to cope with stress and anxiety is to get some exercise. We know that 30 minutes of exercise three to five days a week can help us regulate anxiety. This can be anything that gets your body moving: a walk, a run, a bike ride, take a boxing class, participate in an online or in-person exercise class depending on your comfort level. Do something that feels good to you and gets your heart rate up. Not only will this help manage stress and anxiety, but exercising regularly often can lead to better sleep, which will, in turn, help you manage your stress and anxiety.

Practice mindfulness and/or meditation. I recently started practicing meditation and admit this can be a challenge for those of us whose minds frequently wander. Feel free to start with a short meditation of 30 seconds or one minute. There are several apps you can try to do this, including Calm and Headspace. Some Fitbit apps offer meditations, as well. You can practice meditation during stressful periods of your work day or whenever you feel you need a short break. Mindfulness can be practiced throughout your day by simply noticing what you are doing without judgement. You can practice mindfulness while washing your hands by noticing the soap becoming bubbly and by noticing how it feels as you work it over your fingers and hand. Notice the water becoming warmer and warmer as you massage the soap over your hands. Mindfulness can be practiced while you are walking or running by simply noticing your foot falls, notice what your feet feel like in your shoes. Mindfulness and meditation can help relieve stress and anxiety by helping you be more present in the moment.

Reach out to a trusted other. This could a be a friend, a family member or a mental health professional. I started working with someone yesterday who was beginning to feel lonely not being able to meet with her friends in person because of the pandemic. She told me that she often feels as though she is always the one reaching out to check on her people and rarely felt as though people were checking in on her. I understand that feeling. It is okay to reach out for extra help during those times when you are feeling particularly lonely. It takes more courage to ask for help than it does to suffer in silence. Share with someone you trust what you are feeling. Tell someone why you are feeling stressed and anxious. It is possible the person with whom you are sharing may be feeling similarly.

Practice good self-care. When we think of self-care we sometimes think this has to be something big but in reality it could be something little. Anything you enjoy doing that is just for you counts as self-care. Maybe that means getting a massage if you feel safe doing so and can afford it. Maybe that means listening to your favorite podcast or listening to some music. Maybe that means binge watching your favorite program. Maybe that means watching your favorite movie for the umpteenth time. Do something that makes you feel good.

Take a break. With so many people working from home while trying to manage children who are remote learning, it can feel as though there is no line between work and home. I encourage folks to make sure that if they are working from home and have the space to do so to make sure their work space is completely separate from their home space. If you can, keep your home office out of your bedroom. Make sure that when your work day is over, you take a few moments to transition into the rest of your day. Try to maintain a clear work schedule that begins and ends at a specific time. It is okay to set that boundary.

Remember that stress and anxiety are normal. We all feel these things from time to time but there are healthy ways to manage these feelings. Turning to alcohol could likely just exacerbate your feelings and for some people, anxiety is heightened if using marijuana. Try using your adaptive, healthy coping skills instead. And if need be, reach out to a professional. There are people who can help you develop healthy coping skills. There are people who care.

Today marks Easter Sunday in the United States, a day of resurrection and rebirth and I find myself thinking about how we who are living can be reborn in our own lives. Perhaps we can do so by making the decision to take better care of our physical and mental health.

So many of us still are struggling as a result of the COVID-19 pandemic that continues to rage across the globe. So many of us have found ourselves living with anxiety, depression and loneliness. We find ourselves unable to sleep well. We find our appetite has changed. We find our minds racing. We find ourselves unable to connect physically with far-away friends and loved ones, leaving us feeling lonely and detached. We do not have to continue to live this way. There are decisions we can make to ease the burden of these feelings.

I often say that it takes more courage to reach out for help than it does to suffer in silence. It is okay to not be okay and it is okay to seek assistance in dealing with anxiety, depression, loneliness and disconnection. It is okay to make the decision to take charge of your mental health, just as it is to make decisions that are good for your physical health. Talking to a professional about whatever you may be suffering with emotionally should be no different than going to a professional about your physical health. Make the decision to take care of yourself: mind, body and soul. Make the decision to take care of you.

Many of us have found during this global health crisis that we have turned to alcohol or other substances to help us through. Perhaps you have found that you are drinking more or smoking more marijuana or using cocaine, heroin or other opioids to help get you through this difficult time. Perhaps your use has become problematic. It is okay to make the decision to reach out for help to learn how to manage your use, to control your use or to stop using. It is okay to take care of you.

I understand that asking for help to manage depression, anxiety, loneliness, disconnection, substance use can seem daunting. I understand that asking for help can feel scary, especially if you have never spoken to a professional about your mental health or substance use issues. Know that we are here to help. Know that we will not judge you for struggling; we all struggle sometimes. Know that you are not alone in your struggles. Nearly one in five people live with mental illness at any one time. Likely more than not you know someone else who is struggling with mental health concerns.

Some people may believe that living with mental illness or substance use disorders make them weak. This could not be further from the truth. Mental illnesses and substance use disorders are not flaws in character; they are flaws in chemistry. They are illnesses, just like any other illnesses, and can be treated. Make the decision to get help if you need it. You deserve to take care of your mental health. You deserve to live free of the shackles of substance use disorders. You deserve to live a happy, healthy life. All you have to do is make the decision to reach out. All you have to do is make the decision to ask for help. There are people who care and who want to help you be reborn in happiness.