We talk a lot about self-love these days but one thing we sometimes forget to speak of is how to get there. We know that self-love is not selfish; it is necessary so that we can become happy, healthy individuals. But how do we move from perhaps disliking ourselves to coming to love who we are while becoming who we want to be? The first step is to pay attention to how we talk to ourselves.

So many of us engage in negative self-talk, saying sometimes downright cruel things to ourselves. How many of us walk around calling ourselves derogatory names like “idiot,” “loser” or “dumbass?” I suspect many of us engage in this sort of self-shaming talk without even realizing it. I wonder what would happen if instead of calling ourselves nasty names, we instead referred to ourselves in loving terms, using words like “darling,” “love” or “sweetheart?” I wonder this because it matters how we speak to ourselves. We cannot shame ourselves into self-love. We cannot speak badly to ourselves and expect our brains and bodies to respond positively.

Instead of engaging in negative self-talk, try countering those statements with positive affirmations. Focus on those parts and qualities of you that you like and voice them aloud. For example, instead of calling yourself ugly, compliment yourself aloud on your beautiful eyes, your winsome smile, your lovely hands. Instead of calling yourself stupid, remind yourself that you have skills others may not possess. Instead of berating yourself for making a mistake, remind yourself that you are doing the best you can with what you have right now. You are listening to the way you speak to yourself so try to speak kindly to yourself, just as you might speak to a friend or other loved one. More likely than not you would not say cruel things to a loved one, so why speak that way to yourself?

It takes practice to move away from negative self-talk and self-shaming but I guarantee the more you practice positive self-affirmations and positive self-talk, the closer you will come to self-love. It may seems strange or silly at first to speak kindly to yourself but I suspect that with practice, you will notice a marked shift in the way you not just perceive yourself but in the way you feel about yourself. You might notice that you stand a little taller, walk with more confidence and speak with more authority after practicing positive self-affirmations for a few weeks. The more we engage in positive self-talk the better we will start to feel about ourselves and the more we will come to love ourselves for the perfectly imperfect beings that we are. We all have positive qualities we can focus on; what are yours? Think for a moment about three things you like about yourself and voice them aloud. Perhaps your three things are that you are kind, caring and compassionate. Voice those things aloud in “I am … ” statements. Remind yourself that there is more good about you than bad and then focus on those good qualities. Remember that the way you speak to yourself matters and that you cannot shame yourself into self-love.

What three positive things about yourself might you be able to focus on today? Can you voice those things? Can you counter your negative self-talk with positive self-affirmations? The more you do so, the better you will feel about yourself. Why not give it a try? Why not give yourself a chance to feel good about yourself?

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP