With any luck, I truly am in the middle of my life. Yet as I find myself nearing 53 years old, I find myself struggling to accept aging—how aging is affecting me and what aging means for me. I find myself struggling with the fact that it is harder to do things that once came with relative ease, like running longer distances and maintaining my fitness to the degree I enjoy. I often find it challenging to appreciate my aging body for what it remains capable of as I notice changes in my appearance. It seems harder on most days to love myself as I am becoming a woman of middle age.

How do we appreciate our bodies as we age? How can I come to terms with what I am seeing and feeling? I often find myself telling clients who struggle with body image and aging to try to appreciate all their bodies allow them to do. I try to remember to be grateful for the fact that my two legs can still run from time to time, they still carry me to and fro. I try to remember to be grateful for my two hands that let me be expressive. I try to remember to be thankful for my eyes that continue to allow me to see all the beauty in the world. I try to remember to be thankful for my heart, my lungs and all my internal organs that likely suffered some measure of damage after having lived most of my life with anorexia nervosa. Sometimes I remind myself that it is a miracle I still am alive considering how I have treated my body over the years.

Some days, I have more success reminding myself that this aging body of mine still is capable of amazing things. I still am able to exercise two to four hours a day, which I understand could be considered excessive by many people. Other days, I find myself beating myself up for not feeling up to monster workouts or running. I find myself missing the younger version of myself who could run 40 to 50 miles a week after participating in an hour-long boxing class. It’s hard in my head. Sometimes, I feel like it’s hard being me. Likely some of you feel the same way.

On days when I feel as though it’s hard being me, I try to remind myself that none of my days are promised to me. I try to remember to be grateful for what I can do rather than lamenting what seems so difficult some days. No one is guaranteed longevity or health. None of us is promised tomorrow. The trick is to appreciate you as you are and what you still can do. Some days you may have more success with this, and that’s okay. I’m trying to be kind and gentle with myself as I age. I’m trying to practice more self-love than self-hate. I’m trying to love the woman I am becoming.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP