We live in chaotic times. The COVID-19 pandemic still is raging. There is an unjustified war in the Ukraine. Suicides and drug overdoses are skyrocketing. Peoples’ mental health is declining. And so many of us fear sharing what really is going on with us out of concern about how we will be perceived and stigma surrounding mental health, substance use and eating disorders.

All of this may leave us hungry for some kind of help, be it physical comfort or assistance with our mental health. What happens, though, when that help we need is desired from our loved ones and it is not forthcoming? What happens when our most basic need for compassion and understanding goes unmet?

Certainly this may happen because some people are emotionally unavailable or emotional vampires, but sometimes this happens because we who suffer assume our trusted others know how we feel and we believe that they should automatically know what we need. As I frequently tell my clients, it does not matter how long you have been with or known your trusted other, be it a partner, parent, sibling or friend, your person cannot know exactly what you are feeling and what you need unless you tell that person. It does not matter if it has been 10 days, 10 weeks, 10 months or 10 years. Unless you share what you are feeling and what you need in that moment, your person is only guessing.

Why are so many of us often reluctant to share what we’re feeling? Perhaps it is because in the past, doing so has left us feeling unheard or unseen. Perhaps we have felt rejected. If that is true for you, that leads me to wonder if perhaps you have shared your feelings, needs, wants and desires with the wrong person or in a way that left you wanting for more.

What might happen if you used your “I feel … ” statements to share what you are going through emotionally and what you need in that moment. Those statements can help your person better understand exactly what you are feeling and why and what you need in terms of comfort, compassion and understanding. It is perfectly acceptable to say something along the lines of “I feel X because Y and I need Z from you now in this moment.” Hopefully by doing so, your person gains a better understanding of not just of why you feel a certain way but what he or she can do to help.

If the COVID-19 pandemic has taught us anything, perhaps it has given some of us the insight to know that it is okay to not feel okay. The question that remains is, what can you do about it? One thing you can do is share your feelings with a trusted other. Tell that person exactly how you feel and why and what you need. Your feelings, your needs are valid. Whatever you are feeling is okay. Happy, mad, sad, glad, other. Your feelings are acceptable. It is okay to share them.

We like to think that because we have known someone for years, that that person should know us well enough to simply take care of our needs without prompting. That is not necessarily always true. Your people cannot read your mind. Some are better than others at reading affect and body language, but others may need some help understanding what it is you are feeling. It is okay to share with those people what you are feeling and what you need.

If you want to be seen, heard and understood you have to summon the courage to be vulnerable and share your feelings. If you want your needs to be met, it is okay to voice what those are and how you want those needs met. Yes, it would be lovely if our people could do that without prompting but not everyone is able to do that. Meet those people in the middle by sharing with them. Perhaps by doing so, you will find that you feel seen and heard.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP