Recently, I have found myself deeply affected by the frequent use of inappropriate emojis on social media. I find myself heartbroken to see people responding to others’ misfortunes, health concerns or other tragedies with the laughing emoji. This has made me wonder what would happen if more people offered others some measure of compassion and empathy.

There has been much talk lately of compassion and empathy and of how we can practice these in our daily lives. Compassion and empathy are different from sympathy. According to Merriam-Webster, sympathy means “feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else’s misfortune” while empathy means “the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.” Compassion means “sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others.” Compassion can be a tool of empathy.

My social work hero, Brene Brown, sums up the difference between sympathy and empathy well in this brief video …

Compassion doesn’t sound like, “Oh, I can relate to that” nor does it start with “At least … .” Nor does it sound like, “I know exactly how you feel.” Actually, no you do not know exactly how someone else feels as their feelings likely are different than yours even if what you endured was similar. Compassion sounds like, “I hear you. I believe you. How can I best support you in this?” It’s easier to practice compassion for others when we start practicing compassion with ourselves.

Compassion for others requires us to truly consider not just what someone else is going through but how they are experiencing it. While two different people may experience something similar, that does not mean that person A’s feelings are exactly what person B is feeling. The best way to find out what each is feeling is to have a conversation about those feelings. Better yet, ask that person what he/she/they might want in terms of support.

Compassion for others really is much easier to practice if we first offer compassion to ourselves. That means speaking kindly to yourself, being gentle with yourself and acknowledging that you are doing the best you can with what you have right now. Compassion for self breeds compassion for others. Maybe that means cutting yourself a break when faced with challenges or daunting tasks. Maybe that means telling that critical inner voice to take a back seat and listening to your inner cheerleader.

What steps might you be able to take to start practicing compassion for yourself so that you may be better able to offer that same compassion to others? Can you take a few moments to pause in whatever it is you are feeling to speak kindly to yourself? Can you take some time to really consider what it is you are feeling in any given moment? It takes practice to give yourself permission to pause and really think about your feelings, to get in touch with your true feelings but doing so offers an opportunity to practice self-compassion.

Life goes by so fast and our days are often stacked with challenge after challenge. It is okay to slow things down and let yourself feel whatever it is you are feeling, be it happy, mad, sad, glad or other. Notice what you are feeling and be compassionate with yourself, particularly if those feelings are hard or uncomfortable. Consider the idea that your feelings are data, giving you information about how to handle what it is happening. Consider the idea that feelings are like visitors, they come and go and rarely stay forever. Consider the idea that whatever you are feeling, you can always offer yourself compassion, much as you might want others to do so for you.

In a world that seems ever nastier, ever more heartless, what steps might you be able to take to turn that around? Can you practice offering others your compassion by starting to do so with yourself? Can you take the time to consider what others might be feeling? Can you ask people what they might be needing in terms of support? Can you be a bright spot in someone else’s world?

Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

Tomorrow marks Independence Day in the United States and while it may not feel like it for many people considering recent rulings by the Supreme Court, there still is much we can do to celebrate our remaining freedoms.

When we think about independence and freedom, different things come up for different people. Merriam-Webster defines independence as “the quality or state of being independent.” This can mean any number of things from personal independence to societal independence, political independence, religious independence and so on. I am more curious about what independence means for you.

I am working with several clients who seem to find it difficult to do things on their own, largely because of a fear of how they will be perceived by others. Some people find themselves feeling anxious going to the movies, for a cup of coffee or out to dinner by themselves because they are fearful that others will perceive them negatively. What if the opposite were true? What if instead people viewed you as strong, empowered and brave? What if instead people viewed you as courageous and independent?

How many of us hold ourselves back by believing we can’t do things on our own? How many of us find ourselves feeling pangs of regret because we convinced ourselves that we could not possibly do this, that or the other thing by ourselves? How many of us have repeatedly told ourselves that we cannot go here or there without someone else and then felt sad that we missed out on what could have been a beautiful adventure? What if the only thing holding you back from realizing how strong you are is you?

I understand that doing something on your own or going somewhere by yourself can sometimes be a bit frightening, but nothing ever grows in our comfort zones. If you want to be a strong, independent person you have to embrace risk, even if that means risking embarrassment, which is a temporary feeling. If you want to be a strong, independent person, you have to take steps to overcome your fear of what others may be thinking of you. Likely more than not, most people are not thinking of you in any negative way.

What steps might you be able to take to assert your own independence this 4th of July holiday? Could you take yourself to see some fireworks? Could you go to your community swimming pool by yourself? Could you go your town’s parade on your own? Could you take yourself out for ice cream? There is nothing wrong with enjoying the company of others. There is something to be said, though, for finding your courage and doing things on your own. I suspect that doing so will help you gain not just a sense of independence, but a sense of power.

Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP