I often find myself thinking of life as a story, our story, and one that in many ways, we get to write the way we want. Everyone is living his or her own story, one with varying number of chapters, each with its own theme. The trouble is, sometimes we get stuck in one chapter or perhaps even on one page. The new year offers us all a chance to start writing if not a new chapter, then at least a new page.

For so many people 2022 has been a year of ups and downs, peaks and valleys. Many of us find ourselves wondering if we ever will see and end to the COVID-19 pandemic. Many of us have suffered heartbreak. Many of us have seen either a change in or loss of employment. Many of us have lost loved ones. We can choose to stay stuck in these painful chapters, or we can choose to start writing a new one. We can take steps to own our story by making sure that we are the authors we want to be.

The new year affords an opportunity to begin anew; it’s a fresh start. Yes, some of what transpired in the last 12 months may stick with us for a while but we can choose to let go what we are able and to focus our attention on moving forward. We can choose to remain who we were in 2022 or we can choose to think about who we want to be in 2023.

When we think about being the authors of our own lives, we can consider what kind of book we want to write. Should it be an adventure? A romance? A mystery? Should it be some combination of genres? Being the author of your own story gives you the opportunity to think about how you want that story to read. Being the author of your own story gives you the opportunity to take control of those things you can and to let go of those things you cannot. What do you want your story to sound like?

One of the best things of ringing in a new year is that turning the page gives us reason to take stock of how the story is shaping up so far. Do you like the way things are going or would you like to make some changes moving forward? If so, in what way do you want to change? What steps might you be able to take to make those changes happen?

Perhaps you would like 2023 to be the year of you. Perhaps that means taking time to make yourself a priority on occasion. That might mean practicing self-care with more frequency or doing so in a way that brings you more pleasure by engaging in healthy activities. Perhaps that means learning a new language (perhaps the language of self-love?) or learning a new craft. Perhaps that means spending more time with people who lift you up and/or setting boundaries with those your relationship is more challenging.

Perhaps 2023 is the year you give back to your community, your village, your world. Perhaps that means becoming involved in a non-violent cause or action that you support. Perhaps that means considering running for office. Perhaps that means volunteering for your local animal shelter or domestic violence or woman’s shelter. Perhaps that means tutoring or teaching music lessons.

Whatever you decide you want 2023 to look, sound and feel like, consider how it might impact your unique story. Think about what you want this next chapter to sound like and then consider steps you might take to move in that direction. Your story is up to you. You have the power to write the next chapter in a way that sounds good to you.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

I have been thinking a lot about grief lately, especially as I approach the 10-year anniversary of my mother’s passing on December 23. Grief is such a tricky emotion. It may seem as though we have moved through grief, only for it to resurface at the holidays, birthdays and other occasions. I am reminded that we do not get over a loss, we get through it.

The tricky question is “How?”

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross many years ago introduced us to the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Only recently did David Kessler introduce us to a sixth stage, and that is making meaning. I wonder, though, if we should rethink the stages of grief altogether, as well as grief itself. So many of us think of grief primarily when it pertains to the loss of a loved one. Yet, there are so many other things we may find ourselves grieving during the course of our lives.

First, let’s address the stages of grief. Kubler-Ross likely did not mean to imply that the stages are meant to be linear. We do not go through denial and then anger and then bargaining and so on. We may, in fact, find ourselves moving amongst the stages of grief, We may find that we think we have moved past denial only to find ourselves days, weeks, months even years later back in denial. We may find ourselves experiencing two or more stages of grief at one time. We may find that we simultaneously are in depression and anger. We may find ourselves in both anger and bargaining. All of that is okay. We grieve in our own way and in our own time. No one has the right to look at their watch or the calendar on the wall and tell you that it is time for you to be over your loss. You do not get over a loss, you get through it. That may take years, even decades.

We also may find ourselves grieving more than the loss of a loved one. With regards to losing a loved one, you may be grieving the loss of a relationship that never was, particularly if the relationship you had with a loved one was challenging or somehow disappointing. You may find yourself grieving the loss of a pet, which can hurt as badly as losing a human. You may find yourself grieving the loss of a friendship or the hope of what that friendship could have been. You may find yourself grieving the loss of a job, even one you did not particularly like or find fulfilling.

Grief comes in many forms. You may find yourself in grief should you experience a health concern that leaves you unable to function at previous levels. You may find yourself grieving your youth. You may find yourself in grief as you notice your children becoming adults, grieving the loss of their childhood innocence.

We all experience grief in different ways. Kubler-Ross was not saying that we all experience the five stages of grief in the same way, only that these are things we may experience as we move through grief. I like Kessler’s idea of that sixth stage, making meaning, though that may take years if not decades to discover.

One thing we can remember about grief is that it shows us that we cared and loved deeply. Grief, if we allow it, can be a teacher of sorts, showing us who and what is important to us. Grief allows us to think more carefully about our present relationships and the things in our lives that matter most to us. Grief can remind us to show those who remain in our lives how much they mean to us. Grief can remind us to take better care of our physical and mental health. Grief can be a sort of friend, if we allow it.

The holidays can be a challenging time for people under even the best circumstances but can be even more so for those who find themselves in grief. Remember that if you are in grief, it may be helpful to practice healthy coping skills, practice good self-care or to reach out to those people you feel safe with. And, give yourself permission, to move through grief in your own time and in your own way.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

When was the last time you learned a new language? Perhaps it was when you were in school or perhaps more recently with a language-learning app on your phone. Remember what it was like trying to wrap your head around new vocabulary and new rules of grammar? For some, that may have been quite challenging. But I suspect the reward was great.

The same can be true when we retrain our brains to speak with love and kindness to ourselves about ourselves. Some studies show that our brains are hardwired to focus on the negative more than the positive. Some studies show that we are 70 percent more likely to engage in negative thinking than positive thinking. Consider how that affects us, our outlook, our worldview and our views of ourselves. What would happen if instead, we retrained our brains to be more positive not just about the world around us but about ourselves. What happens if instead of focusing on what we perceive as negative qualities about ourselves, we focused on the positive qualities? What happens in instead of engaging in negative self-talk we replaced that with positive self-talk and positive self-affirmations?

Oh, I suspect some people might wonder that if we constantly are propping ourselves up with positive self-affirmations and positive self-talk we may get big heads, lose our humility or become narcissistic. Likely more than not what really will happen is that we will notice a boost in our self-esteem, in our self-confidence and in our self-worth. The likelihood of becoming narcissistic is, in fact, quite slim.

If we think of speaking to ourselves lovingly as akin to learning a new language, just as we would with a different language, we must practice on a daily basis. We cannot undo years of negative self-talk with only occasional practice. We must commit to practicing positive self-talk, positive self-affirmations every day. That is how change happens. That is how we retrain our brains to focus on the good about ourselves rather than constantly dwelling on the negative and engaging in negative self-talk and self-flagellation.

If we start speaking to ourselves with loving kindness, the chances that we will start feeling better about ourselves is very high. We cannot shame ourselves into self-love. We cannot negative self-talk ourselves into self-acceptance. We cannot think negatively about ourselves and come to love ourselves for the perfectly imperfect beings that we are. We come to self-love (which is not selfish) by practicing positive self-affirmations, by speaking kindly to ourselves and by being gentle with ourselves.

But, how do we undo years, if not decades, of damaging negative self-talk? We do this by saying either aloud or quietly to ourselves things that are kind. We offer ourselves compliments. We focus on those qualities about ourselves that we like. We practice self-validation. Perhaps some of the qualities you like about yourself are your compassion for others, your loyalty and dependability. It is okay to say to yourself, “I am compassionate. I am loyal. I am dependable.” It is okay to say to yourself, “I have beautiful eyes. I have a winsome smile. I have great freckles.”

The more we practice positive self-affirmations, engage in positive self-talk and validate ourselves, the more we will notice an improvement in self-esteem, self-confidence, self-worth and a feeling of love for ourselves. Doing so requires daily effort and daily commitment, as does anything else that focuses on learning something new. The benefit of doing so will be not just feeling better about yourself, but likely noticing the good in others and in the world around you. What might you be able to say to yourself that is kind, gentle and loving? Can you practice being kind to yourself by focusing on your positive qualities? Can you learn the language of self-love?

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP