The other night at dinner with my husband something struck me and got me thinking about balance and what that means not just in my own life but in the grand scheme of things. It seems of late that society has become so consumed with “me” that we have lost sight of the fact that life is really about “we.”

What does that mean? And how do we balance “me” against “we?” First, let me share what got me thinking about all of this. At dinner, I spied a family across the room consisting of what appeared to be mother, father, grandparents and a young child of about three or four years old. The child was seated in a high chair fully attached to headphones and some kind of tablet device with a show or movie playing. The child was there with the family but not engaging or listening to or even looking at the rest of the family. Perhaps that does not seem all that peculiar in today’s society, but left me wondering about the state of society.

With the proliferation of social media, including Instagram and TikTok and Twitter, has society lost it’s balance and become more of a “me” society and less of a “we” society? Have we become more focused on ourselves to the detriment of considering others? This led me thinking even further about our need for validation and how that affects others around us.

Yes, it is important for us to have our needs, wants, desires and feelings validated. But do we seek this out without considering the needs, wants, desires and feelings of others? I am hoping not, but seeing more and more that some of us are less concerned with the “we” than we are about the “me.”

How do we find some balance between making sure our needs are met, our feelings are validated and making sure we are contributing to the physical and mental well-being of those we care about, and society at large? Life is not always about us, is it? Sometimes, we have to take into consideration the needs, wants, desires and feelings of other people. Life cannot be, nor should be, always about me.

We find balance between the important focus on “me” and the equally important focus on “we” by being cognizant not just of our feelings but in considering the feelings of others. We find balance in the important focus on “me” by being aware that what we say, what we do, how we behave does actually affect other people. It is okay to practice decorum in public. It is okay to practice good manners while out and about, be it when we are using our phones, or in a restaurant, or at the gym. We seem to have strayed from this as society becomes ever more focused on “me” thanks in large part to social media.

Yes, it is important for us to focus on the self. That does not mean we focus exclusively on ourselves. Focus on ourselves should not always mean “Me, first. ” It should mean “Me, too.” That is true not just when we consider self-care but when we are in the presence of other people. Yes, of course, our needs, wants, desires and feelings matter. But not to the exception of others.

I encourage all of us to really think about the direction in which society is moving and really think about how what we say, what we do and how we behave affects those around us. While it is important to make sure our needs, wants, desires and feelings are validated, it is equally important to make sure those of the people around us are, as well.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

I have been thinking a lot about self-compassion and how that relates to us holding ourselves accountable. Is it possible to both practice self-compassion and hold ourselves accountable for our thoughts and behaviors at the same time?

One of the reasons I have been spending so much time thinking about this is because of struggles I and those I love have endured in recent months. Health concerns have made it more challenging for me to exercise and engage in other activities I enjoy as much as I would like. How can I practice self-compassion for the health concerns I am facing while at the same time hold myself accountable to my values and goals?

It may seem to some that practicing self-compassion, which is an essential part of practicing self-love, and holding ourselves accountable for what we say and do are somehow diametrically opposed. Self-compassion, though, does not always mean letting ourselves off the hook for, say, a missed workout or a night of eating indulgent food. Self-compassion means we speak to ourselves kindly and remind ourselves that we are doing the best we can with what we have right now. Practicing self-compassion does not mean we do not hold ourselves accountable for what we say or do. We can do both at the same time.

I often think of how challenging it can be for some of us to practice self-compassion for missing a workout, eating indulgent foods, perhaps engaging in a little too much retail therapy and how that affects us being accountable for our actions. I, for one, sometimes have difficulty being compassionate with myself for a missed workout. When I do, I try to remember that sometimes our bodies dictate when it is time to take a rest day. It is perfectly acceptable to listen to our bodies and rest when we truly need to. It also is acceptable, and to some degree necessary, to hold ourselves accountable to our values of health and fitness by returning to exercise as soon as our bodies are ready. That is how we can practice both self-compassion and hold ourselves accountable at the same time.

If we constantly look for excuses to eat those indulgent foods, practice retail therapy to somehow self-soothe our negative emotions, if we repeatedly give ourselves permission to skip one workout and then the next and then the next, we may not be holding ourselves accountable to our values of health, financial security or fitness. Giving ourselves permission to indulge from time to time can be an act of self-compassion, while doing so repeatedly keeps us from holding ourselves accountable. There must be a way to strike a balance between the two.

We find that balance by staying true to our values. What is it that you value most in your life? Is it health? Fitness? Financial security? The ability to travel? Time with friends and family? It is okay to practice self-compassion by reminding ourselves that we need rest, we do sometimes deserve a treat, we need to clothe our bodies, and we need to nourish ourselves with food while also making healthy choices. That is how we hold ourselves accountable.

When we fail to hold ourselves accountable for what we say or what we do, for what choices we have made and are making, we squander the gift of self-love. We get to self-love by balancing self-compassion with holding ourselves accountable. Are there steps you might be able to take to stay true to your values, hold yourself accountable and also practice self-compassion? Can you strike some balance in your life?

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

Life is funny. Sometimes it seems as though everything is going your way and then, sometimes, it seems as though every time we turn around, we face a challenge. What matters in life is how we view those challenges and recognizing what is within our control and what is not.

What happens when we acknowledge that some things, many things, really, are outside of our control? Some things just are. We can control our reaction to challenges or we can lament those challenges and view them as road blocks rather than speed bumps. We can accept things as they are or fight tooth and nail against reality. Accepting things as they are can release us from angst. Doing so, however, does not mean that we give up. We do not have to resign ourselves to our fate in the face of certain challenges. We have to know when to let go and when to fight.

The idea of radical acceptance, a tool in dialectical behavior therapy often used in counseling, does not mean we simply give up. Radical acceptance means accepting something fully, both mentally and emotionally, without judgement. It does not require us to like or approve of something. Radical acceptance only means that we accept facts as reality. Radical acceptance does not equate to resignation.

The fact of the matter is that some things simply are outside of our control. What other people say, do, think or believe is outside of our control. We may not always understand they way others think, the way they behave or what they believe but we can accept that those things are outside of our control. We can choose how we want to respond when someone says something we do not agree with, but we cannot control what they say. We can be confused, hurt or feel dismayed when someone wrongs us, but accepting that another person’s behavior is outside of our control can offer us some freedom from staying in a space of hurt, disappointment or betrayal. We can both accept the way things are and work toward making things better in the future.

Radical acceptance means letting go of the idea of how you might like any given situation to be and accepting the reality of the actual situation. Fighting reality, questioning reality, likely will make what is perceived as a bad situation feel much worse. In order to move past a bad situation, we have to recognize what is within our control and what is not. For example, you get demoted at work after what your boss perceives as you breaking a rule. You can both accept that you got demoted AND fight to regain your previous position through proper channels. You do not have to suffer an injustice without a fight. You can give yourself permission to recognize that the action against you was outside of your control while at the same time fighting for what is right. Asking yourself over and over again, “Why me?” will not make the situation any better. Taking steps through proper channels to regain your previous position may help, though.

The idea of dialectics is to give yourself permission to hold or accept what may be two opposing ideas or feelings at the same time. We can both accept the reality of any given situation by accepting what is outside of our control AND we can fight for justice or take steps to improve a situation. Practicing radical acceptance allows you to put your energy into coping with a situation rather than trying to avoid it or deny it or deny your feelings and thoughts about it.

Is there a situation in your life that you could face with radical acceptance? Is there something going on in your life that has left you wondering time and again, “Why me?” Can you give yourself permission to recognize that some things are simply outside of your control? What steps might you be able to take to recognize what is within your control? Fighting the reality of what is perceived as a bad situation will only serve to make things feel worse. Give yourself permission to cope with the situation as best you can to move forward.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP