I find myself frequently thinking about boundaries, not just in my professional life, but in my personal life, as well. I am reminded that boundaries are needed to help others learn how to respect us. The question is, though, how do we set and enforce boundaries, particularly in toxic relationships?

In the past several weeks, I have encountered several people who have found themselves in toxic relationships and are noticing how challenging it can be to set and enforce boundaries. It can be difficult to set boundaries with people in our lives because we do not want to step on anyone’s toes or hurt their feelings. I understand that. However, boundaries often are needed in relationships, particularly those that have become toxic, so that the people with whom we are having a relationship can better understand just what we will and will not tolerate in terms of behavior. Setting and enforcing boundaries is crucial if we want to teach others how to respect us, our time, our energy and our love.

Setting boundaries with people, toxic or not, does not mean that we do not care for those people. On the contrary, doing so shows others how much we care for them and for ourselves. If we do not set and enforce boundaries, we may run the risk of inviting people to disrespect not just our feelings but our values. But how do we set boundaries?

4 tips to set boundaries and maintain them with toxic people

• Know your limits. What are you willing to tolerate?
• Communicate boundaries clearly and assertively.
• Don’t make excuses for others’ behavior.
• Be willing to walk away from the relationship.

It may feel awkward at first setting boundaries with those people about whom we care. It may be helpful to remember that those who seem unable or unwilling to respect our boundaries may not be our people. If you try and try again to enforce boundaries, and those boundaries are ignored or pushed, it may be time to re-evaluate that relationship. Is it time to end the relationship? And if so, what steps are you willing to consider to keep that person out of your life. It may seem as though you are not to the point of deleting that person’s number from your phone, blocking that person or unfollowing that person on social media. Perhaps that is exactly what is needed.

Ending a relationship with someone who does not respect your boundaries, your values or your feelings may leave you feeling some measure of grief. You may find yourself grieving the loss of the relationship and/or the loss of what that relationship could have been. Try to remember to be kind and gentle with yourself as you move through that grief. Try to remember that your feelings, needs, values, hopes, wants and desires are just as valid as anyone else’s. Try to remember that you are worthy of love and belonging simply because you are human. Try to remember that although the relationship you are grieving did not work out, that does not mean you are unworthy of a healthy relationship.

When considering a new relationship, be it platonic or romantic, try to remember that it is acceptable to make your boundaries known at the start of the relationship so that whomever you are becoming involved with knows exactly what you are willing to tolerate and what you will not.

Setting and enforcing boundaries is an important step in any relationship, but particularly those that have become toxic. We all deserve to be in healthy relationships, be they platonic or romantic. Offering excuses for the person who is disrespecting you invites more poor behavior and can leave you feeling badly about the relationship and about yourself. Putting boundaries in place shows others that you respect yourself enough to state clearly what is and what is not acceptable. Are there people in your life with whom you need to set boundaries? What steps might you be willing to take to put those boundaries in place?

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP