I have found myself recently wondering why it seems so daunting for some people to ask for help, of any kind. What is it that makes asking for help seem so frightening? There are many reasons behind why some people find asking for help so uncomfortable.

One of the reasons some people may find it challenging to ask for help is that they do not want to be perceived as weak. When we assume that whomever we are asking for assistance will see us as weak, however, we may be coming from a place of shame. Perhaps asking for help was frowned upon when you were a child. Perhaps you were told at some point that the only way to learn something was to go it alone. Perhaps you internalized a message that taught you that asking for help meant that you were stupid or unworthy. These sorts of messages can leave us feeling as though asking for help, of any kind, is bad or wrong. It may be helpful to remember that none of us can get through life without asking for help at some point. Asking for help does not mean that we are weak, bad, stupid or even codependent. We as humans are interdependent. We rely on others to get through life, and that is okay.

Another reason we may shy away from asking for help is because doing so leaves us feeling vulnerable. That feeling of being vulnerable for many can be uncomfortable and even a tad painful for some. Brene Brown reminds us, though, that vulnerability is our most accurate measure of courage. It takes more courage to ask for help than it does to suffer in silence. Asking for help is a sign of strength.

Another reason some people may be hesitant to ask for help is because they fear rejection. None of us likes feeling rejected; it hurts. One way to lessen the chance that our seeking help will be met with rejection is to be clear about what we need and what we need to meet that need. It is okay to use statements such as “I feel X when Y happens and what I need in this moment is Z.” When we are clear about what we need and how we would like that need met, it can be easier for those from whom we are seeking help to meet that need.

Asking for help is not always easy. It may be helpful to remember that while seeking assistance can feel daunting, doing so may actually be less painful than suffering alone. We as humans are wired for connection. We need others to navigate the sometimes troubling waters of life. Remembering that none of us is expected to get through life without assistance may help us feel better about asking for help.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP