In recent months, I have worked with several people who seem to struggle with the very idea of being kind to themselves. I have had discussions that have been close to arguments with people about the concept of self-compassion, what that means and when to apply it. Why is the idea of self-compassion so difficult for some people to grasp?

It seems as though part of the problem with understanding the idea of self-compassion is that some people seem to equate it with being lazy (I hate that word) or with letting themselves off the hook for real or perceived transgressions. This, to me, begs the question of whether it is possible to be both kind to ourselves and to hold ourselves accountable at the same time. Self-compassion can be likened to speaking kindly to ourselves, offering ourselves the same grace and compassion we might a family member or friend when a mistake or error is made. For some, though, the idea of doing so seems so foreign that it is nearly impossible to understand.

Kristen Neff, PhD, author of the book “Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself” defines self-compassion as “being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain and flagellating ourselves with self-criticism.” In other words, self-compassion does not sound like self-shaming or berating ourselves for making a mistake. We all mistakes. That’s what makes us human.

Some people have argued with me that offering ourselves self-compassion for any real or perceived missteps on any sort of regular basis will leave us with narcissistic tendencies or inflated self-esteem or inflated egos. Likely more than not, what will happen is that we find when we are better able to practice self-compassion, we will be better able to offer others compassion, as well.

Offering ourselves and others compassion does not mean that we let ourselves off the hook for making an error. It means that we accept the fact that making mistakes is part of the human experience. We can lament our mistakes and beat ourselves up for being human, or we can choose to learn from our mistakes, apply those lessons in the future and move on. We cannot nor should not fault ourselves for being human.

For some, though, this concept seems difficult to grasp. Some people seem to believe that engaging in negative self-talk and self-flagellation is the only way to learn from our mistakes. I beg to differ. Engaging in self-shaming, negative self-talk rarely moves us toward feeling better about ourselves and rarely serves as motivation to do better. We cannot shame ourselves into self-compassion or self-love. We can, though, speak kindly to ourselves and vow to do better in the future. Growth does not stem from negativity.

So, what does self-compassion sound like? It sounds like the same caring responses we might offer a friend or family member who has made a mistake or error. It sounds like, “Hey, you’re doing the best you can with what you have right now.” It sounds like, “Making a mistake does not usually mean the end of the world. What lesson can you glean from this?” It sounds like, “You know, we all make mistakes. That’s part of the human experience.”

Practicing self-compassion more likely than not will not end up in us becoming narcissists or lazy or what have you. Practicing self-compassion likely will leave you feeling better about the possibilities of learning from your mistakes, applying those lessons moving forward and offering compassion to others when they make mistakes. We all are human beings, doing the best we can with what we have right now. We all make mistakes. We can choose to learn from them and move on, or we can choose to beat ourselves up for being human and feel badly about ourselves. The choice is yours.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP