We all have encountered folks who seem to find it challenging to find the good in any situation, person or experience. We all have encountered folks who seem to feel as though they constantly fall prey to the worst life has to offer. How do people fall into the victim role? And, what can be done about it?

I suspect those in the victim role are fairly unaware that that’s where they are in life. I suspect that they may notice that it feels as though nothing goes their way, that nothing seems to work out for them or that people seem to be acting with malicious intent. But what if some of what folks who find themselves in the victim role actually have more going for them than they realize?

How do we know if someone has become comfortably uncomfortable in the victim role? These folks tend to not look forward to the future, share the same negative stores, anecdotes or experiences with some frequency, engage in self-pity and seem to exude a sense of entitlement. People who are in the victim role often are defensive and are not open to criticism and often blame others when things go haywire or not their way. Folks in the victim role tend to complain often and reject other views. Those in the victim role tend to be risk averse and obsess over negative situations while being uninterested in solutions. They tend to find themselves in a place of judgement, which often stems from places within themselves that are not healed.

Folks who seem to be in the victim role also may find it difficult to trust others and often assume that others act with malicious intent, purposefully trying to hurt them. This can be the result of trauma. Their maladaptive behaviors often are learned over the course of years, if not decades. And while these behaviors may have helped them survive trauma, at some point they have become so ingrained that they have rendered the person unable to see the good in anything.

So, how does one move from being in the victim role to being a victor in one’s own life? Therapy is an option for many folks who find themselves in the victim role, as long as they are willing to do the work of therapy.

The first step, though, is taking responsibility for one’s own life. That may mean processing trauma with the help of a trained mental health professional. It also means that we have to accept the part we played in our past. That does not mean we acquiesce to the fact that we were traumatized in some way, but it does mean that we are responsible for choosing to heal from that trauma.

Moving away from the victim role also requires us to take steps to feel empowered and to develop a sense of self-efficacy. This helps combat any learned helplessness that keeps us from engaging in activities we may actually end up enjoying. It also helps us to realize that we are stronger than we give ourselves credit for. We can be the victor of our own life if we choose to believe that we are powerful. That does not mean, however, that we use that power over others. That means we use that power to improve our own lives, ourselves. It means we take responsibility to learn, grow and become better versions of ourselves.

Becoming better versions of ourselves requires that we practice self-compassion, speak kindly to ourselves and treat ourselves with the same respect we would want others to show us. It can be challenging to move away from the victim role if we do not treat ourselves with the same respect we would want from others. Similarly, when we offer ourselves compassion, this empowers us to view ourselves in a different light. Doing so will help us view others and the world not as malicious but as kind and open-hearted.

Becoming better versions of ourselves also seems to ask that we start seeing the good in people and in situations, rather than the bad. It asks that we see the sliver lining more often than we focus on the dark cloud. There is good in the world, and the more we focus on that, the easier it is to abandon the victim role and become the victors of our own lives.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP