There is some science that indicates that most humans have upward of 75,000 to 80,000 thoughts each day. Science also tells us that we are hardwired to engage in more negative thinking than positive thinking. This may have served us millenia ago, when we needed to protect ourselves from saber toothed tigers, though we are well beyond that now. Still, most people engage in some negative thinking and negative self-talk on what can at times seem a near constant basis.

What would happen if for this holiday season, you offered yourself the gift of positive self-talk and positive thinking? We spend so much time, energy and effort practicing kindness with our family, friends and other loved ones, why not do the same with ourselves? After all, negative self-talk rarely makes us feel better about ourselves, our situations, our lives.

So often, our negative self-talk is our harshest critic. We beat ourselves up for everything from mistakes made, to the things we said to other people, our behavior, the foods we consume. How does that really serve us? It may help in the short term, motivating us to perhaps try to do better. But over the course of days, weeks, months, years, decades, that constant negative self-talk will leave us feeling defeated, unworthy of love and belonging and as though we are undeserving of anyone else’s kindnesses.

What if, instead, we spoke to ourselves with kindness, as we might a family member, friend or other loved one? What if instead of calling ourselves derogatory names, we spoke to ourselves lovingly? What if we were as kind to ourselves as we try to be to others?

Speaking kindly to ourselves is perhaps one of the best gifts we can give ourselves. Oh, yes, a massage or mani/pedi, or tickets to a concert or football game are nice, but even the memories of those things do not last as long as the things we say to ourselves. While it is nice to treat ourselves to tangible gifts from time to time, speaking kindly to ourselves will last a lifetime and could perhaps change the way we think about ourselves.

When we engage in negative self-talk or negative thinking (referred to as automatic negative thoughts or ANTS), we rob ourselves of the opportunity to become the best versions of ourselves. Some may believe that if we constantly offer ourselves kindness, compassion and empathy, we run the risk of developing narcissistic traits. That is remotely possible, but highly unlikely. More so, we will develop a better sense of self and actually be better able to be kind to others.

This holiday season, could you offer yourself the gift of kindness? Could you attempt to replace some of your negative self-talk with positive self-talk or positive self-affirmations? Could you offer yourself the same loving kindness that you try to offer others? Perhaps a loving kindness meditation would assist with this, offering health, happiness and peace to someone you love, someone you struggle with and yourself. This meditation is brief. You can focus on a home base, such as the breath or a soothing sound as you sit in a comfortable but attentive posture. You start by focusing on someone you love and repeat in your mind, “May you be happy, may you be healthy, may you be at peace.” Do this a few times and then focus on someone you struggle with. Repeat the phrases, or choose something that sounds good to you. Finally, offer the same kindness to yourself. “May I be happy. May I be healthy. May I be at peace.”

Give it a shot. My guess is that you will start feeling better about yourself, your life and your struggles.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP