It seems of late that many people are on an unending quest for happiness, yet finding happiness harder and harder to find. Many people struggle with what “happiness” means, what it means to be happy. And, of course, that is different for everyone.

While my idea of what happiness is may be different than yours, there often are commonalities when we think of what happiness is: Happiness is an emotional state characterized by feelings of joy, satisfaction, contentment, and fulfillment. It often is described as involving positive emotions. This seems rather straightforward, yet happiness seems more and more out of reach for so many people. And, I, like many, am wondering why.

What is it in this day and age that makes happiness seem so elusive? Is it that people today find it ever more challenging to find joy and satisfaction? Is it that we have made the glorification of busy such that we are obsessed with being productive to the point of exhaustion? Is it that social media has fueled social comparison and added to the loneliness epidemic?

Or, is it more simple than that? Are we as a society having trouble simply practicing gratitude for all we have, all that life has to offer and for all the beauty left to find in the world? Perhaps it is all these things. Perhaps what more of us would benefit from is slowing down, practicing compassion for ourselves and for others, limiting our use of technology and social media, and making time to be with other human beings.

Are all these things tied together? Are we challenged to be more and more productive because we see others on social media living what on the surface appears to be their best lives? Do we have difficulty practicing gratitude for what we have because others seem to have more or better things than we do? Do we spend too much time on social media, which fuels social comparison and the loneliness epidemic? Are we not making time to be with others in real life situations?

I think all of this could be true and part of why happiness seems so elusive. What if we course corrected and moved away from social media in favor of social interaction that happens in real time with real people in real life? What if we practiced gratitude for all we have while working toward what we want? What if we practiced gratitude with reckless abandon?

Science on happiness tells us that the more we are able to practice gratitude, the more joy we will find in our lives. Many people find it helpful to start a gratitude journal, in which they write three things for which they were grateful for during today or the previous day. Some people like to do this right before bed while others like to reflect on the previous day and write in their journal in the morning. There is no wrong time of day to engage in this exercise, as long as it happens with some frequency.

It may seem challenging at first to find three things for which you are grateful. That may mean that you find one thing and drill down on it. For example, this morning, I enjoyed a flavorful cup of coffee while I eased into my day. I can practice gratitude just for that time to enjoy my beverage, but also can be thankful for whomever crafted the mug I used, for the farmers who grew my coffee beans, for the water I used to brew my coffee, for the electricity I employed to use the coffee pot, for the truck drivers who drove my coffee to my favorite grocery store, for the grocery store worker who put it on the shelf. Suddenly, I am not just practicing gratitude for the coffee, but for all the things that made it possible for me to enjoy that mug of steaming, hot, flavorful coffee. You can do this with so many things.

We can do this when we find ourselves engaging in social comparison after scrolling for minutes (hours?) on social media. When we find ourselves thinking that our lives are not as productive, that our vacations somehow pale in comparison, that our homes are not as luxurious as others’, that we aren’t driving the latest model car, that are clothes are not as high end, or what have you, we can stop and remind ourselves that we only have so much time in the day and can show ourselves compassion for getting done what we were able to get done in the time that we had. We can be grateful that we can take time away from our jobs if we need to be with family or friends. We can be grateful that we have a roof over our heads and a bed to sleep in. We can be grateful that we have a vehicle or access to public transportation that gets us from Point A to Point B. And, we can remind ourselves, that social media rarely is anything other than someone’s highlight reel.

Life is short and our time on this planet really is fleeting. We can choose to be grateful for everything our lives offer us and for the time that we have and find some measure of happiness. Or, we can lament that others have it better. The choice is yours. My guess is, though, that the more you practice gratitude for all you do have, you will find yourself feeling happier.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

It seems that we continue to find ourselves in a pandemic of loneliness. More and more people are saying that they feel lonely and disconnected, even when amongst friends and family. This begs the questions of “Why?” and “How do we find connection?”

In both my personal and professional life, I hear that folks are feeling increasingly lonely and disconnected. I hear people voice concerns that despite technology seemingly meant to bring us closer to one another, people are feeling more isolated. I hear from many younger people that they are having trouble making and retaining friends. I also hear more and more people admit to spending hours upon hours on their phones, their heads down, buried in social media that leads them to engage in social comparison, leaving them feel even more lonely and disconnected.

Are our phones to blame for this seemingly global feeling of loneliness and isolation? In part, perhaps. Our phones can be useful tools to launch connection, but they are just that: tools. We may be able to use our phones to set up get-togethers that occur in real life, but it is challenging to forge real connection via text messages or snap or some other platform. If we want to forge meaningful connections with others, we have to put down our phones and meet with people face-to-face.

Scary? Perhaps. Does meeting with people in real life require some measure of courage and perhaps even vulnerability? Yes. I am hearing more and more, particularly from young people, that they feel anxious about meeting with people in person, that most of their “conversations” with others take place via text or snap or some other platform. That may be a decent way to start a conversation but real connection is not going to happen that way.

If we want to forge a real connection with an actual human being, we have to be willing to put down our phones and speak to someone face-to-face. If we want to forge a real connection with another person, we have to give ourselves permission to be vulnerable, to share what we are thinking and feeling, and to invite the other person to do the same and really listen to what that person is sharing.

We as human beings are wired for connection. We need to be in the presence of other people and share with them in order to feel seen, heard and understood. We need to be with other people to feel connected and less isolated. That does not happen in our phones. Real connection is forged by being WITH people.

There are several books out that may help people gain a better understanding of this pandemic of loneliness we find ourselves in, how to make friends and be seen and heard. “Together” by Vivek Murthy, MD, is a good read. As is “Platonic” by Marisa Franco, about how to make friends as we age. Another helpful book is David Brooks’ “How to Know a Person.”

If you find yourself longing for connection, but not quite sure how to go about forging connection, give yourself permission to put down your phone and speak with other humans. Any of the above-mentioned books can provide insight as to how to do that, as well. Remember, though, real connection is not forged by keeping our heads down, our noses in our phones and posting on social media or viewing social media. Real connection happens in real life, with other human beings and by sharing and listening.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP