Years ago, someone told me that maintaining a relationship is akin to tending to a garden. The more we water, fertilize and weed our gardens, the more flowers will bloom. That is, the more we tend to our relationships, the stronger they will be.

But, what happens when we find that our garden is—seemingly suddenly—overrun by weeds? How does that happen, and how do we get it back to where we want it to be? Sometimes our gardens become overrun by weeds when we stop taking care of it. Just like our relationships, when we do not tend to them or expect them to just carry on without work, we may find that we have developed ruptures so big that it seems there is no way to fix them.

Some of those ruptures may start when we stop communicating with our partners, or we stop sharing our feelings or experiences. Sometimes, those ruptures start when we begin to hold judgements of our partner’s thoughts, behaviors, experiences or feelings. We as humans can be judgemental; that is, to some extent, normal. Often, though, our judgements of others stem from those parts of ourselves that need healing. When we find ourselves thinking or saying things that are judgemental, we may make those ruptures in our relationships bigger, stronger. How do we course-correct and repair the relationship? Doing so may mean that we have to enter into what could be uncomfortable conversations. Yes, it sounds icky. Yes, these conversations may be necessary.

One of the ways to broach an uncomfortable topic or enter into what could be an uncomfortable conversation is to, first, let go of any judgements and, second, approach our partners with concern and compassion. After doing so, we may be better able to come to a place of understanding for a person’s words or behaviors and be better able to accept that the person likely is not intentionally causing harm. For example, we could try this approach: “I notice lately that you seem stressed because of work (concern) and have been snapping at me more often, which is understandable (compassion) given the nature of your job. Can you help me understand why (understanding) this is happening so that we can find a better way to communicate (acceptance)?”

When we approach uncomfortable conversations with concern and compassion, we may lessen the chances of our partners becoming defensive and then acting out. We can stray away from those old “I feel X because you did this” statements, which can feel for some people to be blaming statements, putting the onus for our feelings on someone else, which is unfair. And, when we let go of our judgements of others’ thoughts, experiences and behaviors, we make room for compassion and understanding, the cornerstones of healthy relationships. Coming to a place of acceptance, or resolution, may mean negotiating a solution to the problem. This does require an open heart and an open mind that the way we have been approaching things may need to change.

In a way, relationships are like gardens … rose gardens. Yes, we can look at these plants as flowers that have thorns, or we can choose to see thorn bushes that have flowers that if we tend to with care, concern, compassion and understanding and acceptance, will flourish and remain beautiful. It matters how we approach our relationships. It matters how we engage in what can be uncomfortable conversations. If we do not have these conversations, though, the gardens of our relationships will become overrun by weeds. What topics do you need to discuss with your partner? Are you ready to tend to your relationship?

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

Recently, I have noticed both in my professional and personal lives many people struggling with adversity, being faced with struggle and even facing failure and enduring traumatic events. How we approach adversity, challenge, trying times, even trauma can mean the difference between moving on or staying stuck. Having a growth mindset can make a huge difference.

But, what does it even mean to have a “growth mindset?” Having a growth mindset means that we believe that qualities we possess such as intelligence and talent can be changed or developed over time. The opposite, having a fixed mindset, means that we believe certain qualities are permanent or unable to be changed.

Having a growth mindset can help us navigate the often murky waters of life, view challenges as opportunities and can help us face adversity, even traumatic events. When we approach life with a growth mindset, we give ourselves permission to be flexible in our thinking. This is crucial when we are faced with adversity. Approaching life with a growth mindset is akin to living with a flexibility mindset, which allows us to move through adversity with a bit more ease.

In his book, The End of Trauma: How the New Science of Resilience Is Changing How We Think about PTSD, George Bonanno, chair of the Department of Counseling and Clinical Psychology and director of the Loss, Trauma, and Emotion Lab at Teacher’s College, Columbia University, argues that having a flexibility mindset can mean the difference between moving past adversity or staying stuck in adversity. Similarly, Carol Dweck in “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success,” argues that having a growth mindset helps us manage challenges.

Bonanno indicates that a flexibility mindset requires of us three things: optimism about the future, confidence in our ability to cope and, a willingness to think about a threat as a challenge. When we embrace these qualities, we may find it easier to navigate adversity. This is what it means to have a growth mindset, as well. When we are living with a fixed mindset, we fail to embrace challenges as opportunities or even as adventure. Living with a fixed mindset can leave us feeling as though we are unable to adapt to adversity. It tells us, “I can’t.” A growth mindset or flexibility mindset reminds us that, “I can.”

Living with a flexibility or growth mindset will not prevent us from facing adversity or even failure, but it will make it easier to adapt to these challenges. We all face challenges, we all struggle, and we all will, at some point, fail at something. Reminding ourselves that failure is not final can be helpful. Failure is an opportunity to learn, grow and become. Failure can mean redirection, even redemption.

Living with a growth or flexibility mindset can help us find new ways to tackle problems as they arise, and remind us that there often is more than one way to do something. This also can remind us that we can do things that are hard, help us draw on past success and prepare us for future challenges. When we live with a growth or flexibility mindset, we realize that we can be the victors of our lives rather than than victims. We have the ability to move past adversity, to manage challenges and to deal with struggle. What could you accomplish if you adopted a growth mindset?

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP