I am not a particularly religious person but find myself wanting to participate in the tradition of giving up something for Lent. Like many people, I first thought of giving up something unhealthy, such as bad-for-me food or an indulgent treat. But, a few years ago I decided that instead of giving up something like that, I would give up self-hate, self-loathing and cruel self-talk. I think it is time to try that again.

That is not to say I am not also giving up salty snacks, but perhaps the salt I should be giving up is in the way I talk to myself. For Lent this year, I will give up calling myself derogatory names and instead practice self-kindness. I have done this in the past and found it not just terribly difficult after a lifetime of berating myself but also terribly rewarding.

However, merely substituting “darling” for “dumbass” is not enough. If I use “darling” with the same self-contempt that I had been using “dumbass,” doing so defeats the purpose. The idea is to come to love myself more when Lent comes to an end. This may sound mighty self-serving, but my ultimate hope is that in coming to love myself more, I can project that love onto others more and in more meaningful ways.

I want this experiment in giving up self-loathing to translate into my being kinder, more compassionate and more accepting of others. I want this experiment in giving up self-loathing to help me become a better person not just for myself but for my friends, family and even strangers. I want this experiment in giving up self-loathing to translate into my being less judgemental not just of myself but of all those around me. I want this experiment in giving up self-loathing to translate into me being the kind of person who projects love to all around me.

I urge you to consider that either instead of or in addition to giving up something more tangible for Lent that you walk with me and also give up self-loathing. The more you come to love yourself, the easier it will be to love others in selfless ways. We cannot give love to others until and unless we have love to give. Love of self is not selfish. Love of self allows us the opportunity to offer love to those around us in unconditional ways that leave the world a better place.

 

 

So, it seems, Valentine’s Day is upon us. This is supposed to be a day of love and romance, but I am reminded that for some people, love does not come easy. For some couples, love can be tumultuous.

I have been working with a couple whose common form of discourse is frequent fighting with raised voices and name calling. The couple frequently uses derogatory terms to describe each other. Each partner interrupts the other when one is trying to share his or her feelings. They invalidate each other. But one thing they do in the course of their many arguments is agree to take a time out so that each can cool off.

No relationship is always roses and rainbows. Relationships take work and and a commitment to honor each other’s feelings, thoughts, needs, wants and desires. Fights will happen but there is a way to fight fair.

When in the midst of a fight, try to ask yourself what really is bothering you. Are you really arguing because he left the cap off the toothpaste again? Or are you upset that your need for a clean bathroom counter has been disrespected? Are you really feeling that your needs are going unmet and his leaving the cap off the toothpaste is another piece of evidence that he does not respond to your needs?

Are you piling on during an argument? Are you pulling things that happened days, weeks, months, years ago, from a sort of Rolodex of past transgressions, into the current discussion? Try to keep the current discussion contained to the problem at hand. Bringing up past hurts only serves to keep past wounds open. Deal with one issue at a time, accept each other’s apologies and move on.

Do not use degrading language, disparaging names or put downs. No one is perfect but calling your partner a disparaging name does nothing to create a stronger emotional bond. Calling your partner names does little but build resentment.

Express your feelings with words and take responsibility for them. Use “I feel … ” statements. Try not to blame your partner for your feelings. If you are feeling lonely because you feel disconnected from your partner, trying saying something like “I feel lonely when we don’t talk” instead of using a blaming statement such as “I feel lonely when you don’t call me during the day.” Take responsibility for your feelings and learn to express them in a way that does not leave your partner feeling guilty about the way you feel.

Take turns speaking during an argument. This can be difficult in the heat of an argument but try not to interrupt your partner. It may be helpful to set a timer for a few minutes so that each partner has an opportunity to share his or her thoughts and feelings.

Try not to yell or scream during an argument. It may feel as though you may be winning a fight because you are speaking more loudly than your partner, but raised voices leads to tension and increased feelings of hurt and frustration. The loudest partner does not always win an argument.

Agree to take a time-out if the fight becomes too heated. You may need some time away from your partner to clear your head or just to cool off. Agree to come back to the topic in 15, 30 or 60 minutes when both of you have a had a chance to simmer down.

Attempt to come to a compromise or some understanding of how to proceed. Sometimes there is no clear right or wrong in a fight. Rarely is what caused the argument only one partner’s fault. Agree to work together to resolve the situation. If you cannot come to some sort of compromise at least try to understand where your partner is coming from.

When all else fails, try to remember what drew you to your partner in the first place. Remembering why you came to love that person may help you offer some compassion and understanding toward your partner during an argument. And remember that relationships take work and daily effort and commitment. No relationship is perfect but if you are honest about your feelings, about your needs, wants and desires, you hopefully can avoid violent arguments that could threaten the health of your relationship.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For some time now, I have been working with a client who carries her anger like a suitcase she cannot put down. She relates that she cannot remember a time when she was not angry and irritable. She does not remember who she was before anger took over her life.

I likened her anger to a suitcase that is packed to popping with feelings of irritability, resentment and hurt. At some point, that suitcase becomes too heavy to carry and one must start unpacking. She told me it is easier to carry around that anger—that heavy suitcase—than it is to admit that what she really is feeling is hurt and betrayal. I understand that.

Anger can be a healthy expression of emotion, absolutely. But sometimes anger is a mask for deeper feelings of hurt, betrayal, loss or loneliness. The anger is easier because it protects us from those feelings that sometimes can leave us feeling vulnerable. There is a power to the anger in that it keeps the deeper feelings at bay. The problem with anger is, though, that when our outward appearance projects anger and irritability, it can keep people away, too. That in turn leaves us feeling even more lonely and isolated which can breed more anger.

At some point, that anger is going to become too heavy to carry around with you. At some point, you have to let it go. Doing so can be difficult, even frightening. What if you let go of that anger and start feeling what lies beneath it? What if what you really are feeling is hurt? or lonely? or vulnerable? Those feelings are much more painful than anger.

Sometimes letting go of anger means moving on from someone who might owe you an apology but from whom you likely will not receive one. Sometimes letting go of anger means simply being the bigger person. There are people who may have hurt you and who may have hurt you deeply but may never apologize for doing so. By holding on to the hope or even assumption that that person must apologize in order for you to be whole, you relinquish your power. Take your power back by letting go of your need for an apology and work on making yourself complete without it. Take your power back by letting go of the anger and recognizing that what you really are feeling is hurt, even betrayal. Once you acknowledge your true feelings, you can begin the process of healing.

What small steps can you take today to begin to let go of the anger that weighs you down? Can you look inward and admit your true feelings? Can you learn to move on without an apology you may deserve? Can you reach out to a trusted other to talk about your feelings? Once you start to let go of your anger, that suitcase you have been carrying around will become lighter. You will become lighter. You will start to become the person you want to be.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

So, the new year is upon us. Indeed, a new decade is just hours away. So often with the new year comes a bevy of brand new resolutions, some we will keep and some will fall by the wayside. Some people believe that most resolutions fail within three weeks of the start of the new year. A sad statistic, to be sure. Perhaps there is a better way to go about things.

Perhaps instead of making several lofty resolutions, you might resolve to not make any. Instead, perhaps make a list of attainable goals. Perhaps instead of resolving to lose 10, 15 or 20 pounds, make it a goal to eat healthier foods and exercise more. Perhaps make a goal of learning something new in 2020, maybe a language or skill. Perhaps make 2020 the year you set a goal to take up a new hobby or sport, something you have been curious about but never have made the time for. Perhaps make 2020 the year you have the goal of making better, healthier choices. Perhaps make it a goal in 2020 to practice more and better self-care. Perhaps make 2020 the year you take care of you first so that you may be better able to take care of those you love. Perhaps make 2020 the year of you.

Sometimes when we make resolutions and then fail to keep them, we can end up feeling guilty about that, even shameful. Perhaps making resolutions is less healthy than setting reasonable goals. If we set small, attainable goals for ourselves, we may be more likely to reach them than listing a bunch of resolutions we may not be able to keep.

I am a firm believer that the new year offers 365 opportunities for us to become better people, the people we always were meant to be. Starting the new year with a bunch of resolutions you may not keep perhaps is not the best way to become the person you want to be. Making a list of small, reachable goals may just be the better way to become all you always have wanted to be. So, forget the resolutions, or instead resolve to not make any except for one: becoming the person you always were meant to be.

Here’s to a healthy, happy new year and new decade. Here’s to you in the new year!

 

 

 

It occurred to me while I was running this morning that today marks not just the last Friday of the year, but in fact the last Friday of the decade. The 2010s brought many changes for me, including a career change from newspaper reporter to social worker. It has been a wonderful and wondrous change and I am just loving my new career.

The end of the year often brings a chance to reminisce about what transpired during the past 12 months. We can look at the end of the year with regret or we can look at the end of the year with fondness for the things that helped us become the people we are today. We can either end the year feeling good about our choices and the events that mattered to us or we can lament them. The choice is yours.

With the end of the year, in fact the end of the decade, we are afforded an opportunity to asses where we are in our lives. Did we do the things we wanted to do? Connect with people who matter to us? Did we make choices that will help us become the people we always were meant to be? Did we become more of ourselves? Even small steps in the right direction lead us where we need to be. Small progress still is progress. Congratulate yourself for your successes, regardless of their size.

As we embark on a new decade, I challenge you to think about who you want to become and what steps you might take to be more you. I want you to remember that every morning offers another chance to become the person you always were meant to be. I want you to remember that the new year offers 365 opportunities to be a better person, whatever that might mean to you. Perhaps it means practicing more self-love. Perhaps it means taking care of yourself more in the new year so that you may be better able to take care of those you love. Perhaps it means forging stronger connections with the people who matter most to you. Perhaps it means taking stock of relationships that no longer serve you. Perhaps it means severing ties with people who are emotional vampires. Whatever becoming a better person means to you, I want you to remember that each morning offers a chance to be that person.

The start of a new decade is kind of a big deal. This new decade can be whatever you want it to be. You can be the creator of your own catastrophe or you can be the creator of your own masterpiece. Whatever you decide to do with this new year, this new decade, is, of course, your choice. Choose wisely. Choose what you think will help you become the person you always were meant to be. Choose what you think will help you reach your goals. Choose what you think will make you happy. Make the next decade about making good choices, choices that will leave you feeling fulfilled.

 

 

 

 

And so it seems, Christmas and New Year’s are upon us. It all seems to have happened so suddenly. And sometimes with the holidays, for me and countless others, comes a bit of grief. Many of us are particularly impacted at this time of year having had lost those we loved. My own mother died two days before Christmas in 2012. The holidays never will be the same for me. Perhaps something similar is true for you, as well.

There are ways to manage your feelings of grief during the holidays. One thing to remember is that we do not necessarily move on from grief, we move through it. We grow through it. Grief is a process and we all move through it not just in our own way, but at our own pace and in our own time. There is no “right” way to grieve and there is no timetable on grief.

Managing grief through the holiday season can mean different things to different people. Perhaps you are grieving the loss of a loved one, but more deeply perhaps you are grieving the loss of a relationship you wish you had had with that loved one, something deeper and more connected than that which you actually experienced. Give yourself permission to accept that that person did the best they can with what they had, that they offered you the love the could give, in his or her own way.

Sometimes managing grief through the holiday season can mean you allow yourself to honor the person you lost in ways that are special only to you. Perhaps it means lighting a candle for that person on the day he or she passed. Perhaps it means wearing your loved one’s favorite color during the holidays. Perhaps it means listening to your loved one’s favorite music. Perhaps it means enjoying your loved one’s favorite food or meal on Christmas or New Year’s Eve. Give yourself permission to honor your loved one in a way you feel appropriate.

Navigating the holidays when also experiencing grief may mean taking a break from attending gatherings where you might be reminded of your loved one. It could mean spending more or less time with other family members. You are allowed to do what is best for you at this time. You are allowed to grieve in your own way, with or without other people around you. Sometimes we need to grieve alone, we need time alone to simply remember our lost loved one. Perhaps we need time alone simply to cry. And that is okay. There is nothing wrong with spending time by yourself for yourself.

The holiday season can be a challenging time of year for anyone who has lost a loved one, regardless of how long ago that person passed. Remember to be kind to yourself at this time of year. Try to remember the good times you had with your loved one and the feelings those times evoked.

For some, the loss is more complicated. Perhaps the relationship you had with your loved one was tumultuous, even abusive. That does not mean you are not grieving the loss of that person. Perhaps more so you are grieving the hope that that relationship could have been any different. There still is loss there, and it is okay to be hurting because of that. Perhaps this time of year means spending more time with the people with whom you have secure relationships. Perhaps this time of year means spending more time with the people who make you feel whole, who nourish your soul. And that, too, is okay.

However you grieve, as long as it does not hurt another person, is the right way to grieve … for you. No one has the right to tell you to “get over it.” No one has the right to tell you to “move on.” You grieve in your own time. In your own way. At your own pace.

 

 

 

We all have known that person, the person who you have been friends with for years, maybe decades. You have known that person intimately, shared conversations, feelings, secrets. You thought that person understood you. But over time, your friendship has become lopsided. Over the years, you hear less and less from him or her unless he or she needs something from you. The deep and meaningful conversations you once had have disappeared. He or she no longer shares with you. These days, it seems, that person only talks to you when he or she wants something from you, be it money or transportation or help with a project. You may be feeling as though you are doing all the work to maintain your friendship. You may feel you always are the one making the trip to see your friend while your friend rarely, if ever, comes to you. Your friendship has become one-sided, with you giving and giving and giving and him taking and taking and taking.

What to do about such a friendship? You may still value that person for what he or she once meant to you. You may be clinging to the hope that your friendship can return to what it once was. But, somewhere in the recesses of your heart and brain, you know something has changed. Something is missing in the relationship, something you fear you likely never will get back.

There are options when dealing with a one-sided relationship. If you think your friend will be responsive, you can talk to your friend and tell him or her how you are feeling, that you miss the connection you once had. Perhaps the two of you can work things out if you can summon the courage to be vulnerable and share your feelings about what the relationship has become. You may be able to reach some kind of agreement that both you and she can meet somewhere in the middle, with your friend sharing more. You could encourage your friend to reach out to you just to talk and reconnect. You could ask your friend to make a trip to come visit you. You could go out for coffee and make sure he pays his fair share.

Or, you could terminate the friendship. Yes, letting go of someone who once meant so much to you is difficult. But, perhaps, this may be for the best. It is not easy ending a friendship but if that relationship has become more trouble than it is worth emotionally or financially, it may be time to do just that.

With the start of a new decade now just days away, perhaps it is time to take stock of your relationships. If you are feeling drained emotionally and financially, if you are feeling taken advantage of, if you are feeling exhausted because of certain relationships, maybe it is time to move on from those relationships that have left you feeling not only as though you are doing all the work but that you have nothing left to give. Perhaps the start of a new decade can mean new friendships for you, ones that leave you feeling fulfilled emotionally and connected on a personal level. Do you not deserve that? Don’t you deserve to be with people who nourish your soul? Don’t you deserve to be with people who make you feel whole?

 

 

 

Winter can be a difficult time for many people, but especially those who live with Seasonal Affective Disorder. This time of year can mean more than just dealing with the winter doldrums and a yearning for sunshine and warmer temperatures. For many people, the symptoms of depression and anxiety worsen during the winter months.

For those who find the winter profoundly depressing, it is important to remember to practice good self-care. Sometimes, remembering what it was like to be a kid playing in the snow can help. Other times, it might be good to escape to a nearby conservatory for some warmth and greenery.

Here’s a short list of ideas you might find helpful to manage the winter months:

• Wrap yourself up with a cozy blanket, a cup of hot chocolate and a good book.

• Light a fire in the fireplace and simply gaze into the fire.

• Listen to a favorite Christmas CD.

• Pop up some popcorn and watch a beloved Christmas special or movie.

• Drive or walk around and look at holiday light displays in your neighborhood.

• Give yourself a holiday-themed manicure or pedicure.

• Make yourself a mug of tea and simply watch the snow fall.

• Put on some relaxing music and practice yoga or other indoor exercise.

• Bundle up and take a walk through the snow either by yourself or with a loved one. Remember what it was like to be a kid playing in the snow.

• Make a snow fort and have a snowball fight with your family. Follow it with mugs of steaming hot cocoa.

• Build a snow man complete with eyes, nose, arms and scarf.

• Visit the Oak Park Conservatory or Garfield Conservatory (Garfield is free!).

• Bake some Christmas cookies for yourself, a friend or deliver them to a homeless shelter.

• Remember to stay hydrated.

• Take up a winter sport such as skiing, snow shoeing or snowboarding.

Taking care of yourself during winter is important, especially for those who struggle with this season. It always is good to remember, too, that winter will come to an end, the flowers will bloom again and the sun will shine.

 

I was reading something yesterday about listening to one’s inner critic and started to wonder how many of us have harsh inner voices that tell us we are not good enough, do not try hard enough, are not thin enough, pretty enough or smart enough? How many of us let that inner critic actually keep us from trying because we have for years heard that we are failures?

Our inner critics can be our worst enemies, or they can become our best friends. So often, though, we let those harsh inner critics keep us from becoming the people we always were meant to be. We listen to that voice inside our heads telling us we messed up that job interview, we could have studied harder for that test, we could have done better with that presentation. We let that inner critic tell us we are not good enough at whatever it is we try to do. What we may have trouble remembering is that try is all we can do, that mistakes are proof that we are trying. You only fail if you do not try, so go ahead and make mistakes because that is how you learn to do something better the next time.

Sometimes, our inner critic is so harsh it prevents us from trying anything at all. That voice can sometimes tell us that if we cannot do something perfectly, why do it at all? But if we leave no room for failure, we leave no room for growth. And if we leave no room for growth, how can we become the people we always were meant to be?

How do you silence your harsh inner critic? Start by listening to that other voice in your head, the one that is your cheerleader. If you feel like you bombed that job interview, try to look at it as a learning experience. Maybe you were stumped by a question. Next time you will know how to answer something similar. If you feel like you did not perform well on a test, next time you may know where to focus your attention while studying. If you became nervous during a presentation and flubbed some lines, next time you will know to practice a little more. Give yourself credit for learning how to do something better. Give yourself permission to learn from your mistakes.

Your inner voice can be a cheerleader for you if you allow yourself the chance to learn from your mistakes so that you can do something better next time. As with all things, this takes practice. Allow yourself time to master listening to your cheerleader instead of your harsh inner critic. Allow yourself the opportunity to become good at this. Allow yourself to make mistakes.

It is that time of year when we often find ourselves rushing about, heading here and there, running around doing errands and then finding ourselves exhausted both physically and emotionally. In these times, it can be easy to focus on the negatives that happen throughout the day instead of the positives. We can experience nine good things during our days and one bad thing, like heavy traffic, and focus on that one bad thing and then milk that one thing for the rest of the day.

How do you change your negative thoughts to positive? One way is to be grateful for those nine good things that happened for you during the day and brush off that one bad thing. Another is to challenge that negative thought with some serious reality testing. Was the traffic really that bad or was it typical for the holiday season? When we try to challenge our negative thoughts by fact-testing them, often we find things are not as bad as we may have made them out to be. Another way to challenge your negative thoughts is to move away from being judgemental. When we judge others, we come not from a place of love but from a place in our hearts, minds and souls that need healing.

Challenging negative thoughts takes practice, as with everything else, but the more you do it the more you may find yourself finding the good in situations. With some cognitive behavioral therapy, we can help change our negative thinking to positive. Challenge your negative thoughts and try to think of an alternative way of thinking. What is the lesson you learned from a particular experience or situation? How did you grow from that experience? What did you learn to do differently should something similar crop up in the future? These are the positive aspects of what happened to you. If you can try to focus on those things, it may be easier to move away from negative thinking.

It can be easy to focus on the negative when the holiday season starts taking a toll on us emotionally and physically. The more you try to see the positive in your experiences, the less you will be plagued with negative thinking. Yes, traffic may be heavy but you still will get from Point A to Point B. Enjoy the journey and you are halfway there.

If you find yourself bogged down by negative thinking and are having difficulty finding your way out of it, reach out to a therapist or counselor. It is perfectly okay to admit you need help changing the way you think so you can enjoy the holiday season or any time of year. It takes more courage to reach out for help than it does to stay stuck where you are unhappy.