Yesterday, I finished reading Brene Brown’s “Braving the Wilderness,” which is about our desire to belong and have since found myself pondering what that means and what it means to crave connection.

As human beings, we are wired for connection. None of us can get through life alone. We need other people to help us navigate the sometimes choppy waters of life. And that is okay. We as humans are interdependent upon others. That is different than being codependent, which means we cannot function on our own and that our thinking and behavior is organized around another person. But Brown’s book on belonging and connection has left me wondering what that all means.

Belonging requires us to be ourselves. It is different than fitting in, which means we act in ways that we hope garner approval from others. Belonging requires us to sometimes stand alone. It also requires that we first belong to ourselves, and that, it seems can be tricky. How do we first belong to ourselves so that we can feel as though we belong in the world? Belonging to ourselves requires that we be true to ourselves, our values and convictions.

Read that: True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are. That means that we do not massage our values to fit in with any particular group or sect. That means that we hold true to our values, whatever they may be, even in the face of adversity. True belonging requires us to dig deep and really come to know ourselves as the sometimes flawed, perfectly imperfect beings that we are. Yes, that may be frightening, but if we do not belong to ourselves how can we possibly feel as though we belong anywhere in the world?

I have always craved connection, true, deep emotional connection. I have long craved true belonging. Yet I find it scary to be vulnerable with others, and even more so with myself. Brown says in her many books that vulnerability is our most accurate measure of courage. I sometimes wonder if I have the courage to be vulnerable not just with others so that I may be truly seen and heard, but with myself so that I can come to better know and trust myself. Vulnerability is hard. And scary. But without practicing vulnerability, how can we come to know ourselves or let anyone else truly know us. We want to belong yet fear sometimes gets in our way of letting that really happen.

How do we get there? How do we give ourselves permission to be vulnerable with ourselves and with others? We do so by getting to know who we are through the hard work of self-evaluation and self-assessment. This may mean therapy (which I participate in). We do this by allowing ourselves to be seen and heard by stating our values and convictions and by holding true to what we believe. True belonging does not require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.

So, who are we? Who am I? I am a person who values family and loyalty, who values emotional intimacy, who values meaningful conversation. I am a person who believes in science and data and fact-based information. What values do you hold? Are you true to your values? Are you true to yourself when interacting with people from different groups or sects? Do you belong to yourself?

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

We live in chaotic times. The COVID-19 pandemic still is raging. There is an unjustified war in the Ukraine. Suicides and drug overdoses are skyrocketing. Peoples’ mental health is declining. And so many of us fear sharing what really is going on with us out of concern about how we will be perceived and stigma surrounding mental health, substance use and eating disorders.

All of this may leave us hungry for some kind of help, be it physical comfort or assistance with our mental health. What happens, though, when that help we need is desired from our loved ones and it is not forthcoming? What happens when our most basic need for compassion and understanding goes unmet?

Certainly this may happen because some people are emotionally unavailable or emotional vampires, but sometimes this happens because we who suffer assume our trusted others know how we feel and we believe that they should automatically know what we need. As I frequently tell my clients, it does not matter how long you have been with or known your trusted other, be it a partner, parent, sibling or friend, your person cannot know exactly what you are feeling and what you need unless you tell that person. It does not matter if it has been 10 days, 10 weeks, 10 months or 10 years. Unless you share what you are feeling and what you need in that moment, your person is only guessing.

Why are so many of us often reluctant to share what we’re feeling? Perhaps it is because in the past, doing so has left us feeling unheard or unseen. Perhaps we have felt rejected. If that is true for you, that leads me to wonder if perhaps you have shared your feelings, needs, wants and desires with the wrong person or in a way that left you wanting for more.

What might happen if you used your “I feel … ” statements to share what you are going through emotionally and what you need in that moment. Those statements can help your person better understand exactly what you are feeling and why and what you need in terms of comfort, compassion and understanding. It is perfectly acceptable to say something along the lines of “I feel X because Y and I need Z from you now in this moment.” Hopefully by doing so, your person gains a better understanding of not just of why you feel a certain way but what he or she can do to help.

If the COVID-19 pandemic has taught us anything, perhaps it has given some of us the insight to know that it is okay to not feel okay. The question that remains is, what can you do about it? One thing you can do is share your feelings with a trusted other. Tell that person exactly how you feel and why and what you need. Your feelings, your needs are valid. Whatever you are feeling is okay. Happy, mad, sad, glad, other. Your feelings are acceptable. It is okay to share them.

We like to think that because we have known someone for years, that that person should know us well enough to simply take care of our needs without prompting. That is not necessarily always true. Your people cannot read your mind. Some are better than others at reading affect and body language, but others may need some help understanding what it is you are feeling. It is okay to share with those people what you are feeling and what you need.

If you want to be seen, heard and understood you have to summon the courage to be vulnerable and share your feelings. If you want your needs to be met, it is okay to voice what those are and how you want those needs met. Yes, it would be lovely if our people could do that without prompting but not everyone is able to do that. Meet those people in the middle by sharing with them. Perhaps by doing so, you will find that you feel seen and heard.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

I am reading Brene Brown’s “Braving the Wilderness” and am struck by, well, pretty much everything she writes in the book. One of the ideas that has resonated most with me is the idea that it is hard to hate people once we really get to know them.

In this age of social media, it can be easy to focus on all the hatred and vitriol. Social media can serve the purpose of helping us stay in some way connected to friends and family, but also can open us up to what seems to be the collective anger of the masses. We can choose to step away from that anger, hatred and vitriol by choosing not to engage or read posted comments. It seems difficult to engage with people on social media in thoughtful conversation as so many people seem to double down on their rage and insist on being indignant. What happens, though, with those we really know outside of social media (meaning, in real life) when we invite people to share with us why they think in a certain way or believe certain ideas?

It is hard to hate people if we invite them to share with us their stories.

If we muster the courage to speak with people face-to-face and one-to-one and invite them to share with us their stories, we give ourselves the gift of learning who they really are. When we invite people to share with us what caused them to think a certain way or believe certain ideas, we give ourselves the gift of making a connection with someone who may think differently than we do. We open ourselves up to new perspectives. That does not have to mean that we change our minds; we can still disagree with those people. It does mean that we have open up a line of communication and better understanding.

It can be difficult in this age of social media to make the decision to chat with people in real life and may not always be feasible. But I suspect some of us have “friends” on social media who live not far from us who we may be able to meet for a cup of coffee somewhere to discuss the events of the day. Yes, doing so may be scary or even inconvenient but doing so helps us grow as human beings and affords us the opportunity to learn who those “friends” really are.

Hate is borne of ignorance. The antidote to hate is not just love but respect and understanding. One of the ways we can combat hate is by embracing opportunities to get to know not just the people in our circles, but those who live outside of those circles. It is hard to hate people once you move in. Move in.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

I recently have found myself working with several clients who are struggling with perfectionism and how that affects their lives. So many of us struggle with perfectionism, stemming in part from our childhoods and our need to be loved. What happens when we come to the understanding that we do not have to be perfect in order to be worthy of love and belonging? What happens when we let go of our need to be perfect?

Perfectionism often is borne of shame and so often is something we engage in because we feel we have to be perfect in order to be worthy. How has perfectionism manifested in your life? Do you tend to go above and beyond the call of duty to prove you are worthy at work or in your relationships? Do you bend over backwards for other people for fear that if you do not you will not be liked or loved?

Many people who struggle with perfectionism often find themselves also struggling with depression and anxiety, as well as a constant feeling of being disappointed or let down. It is good to remember that nothing in life is perfect. We as human beings are perfectly imperfect yet still worthy of love and belonging.

How is perfectionism playing a role in your life? Is it holding you back from engaging in activities because you feel you have to be perfect in order to enjoy them? Do you procrastinate on projects because you feel that something has to be done perfectly? TED Ed recently issued this report and quiz on perfectionism … https://ideas.ted.com/quiz-is-your-inner-perfectionist-running-your-life/ .

I encourage you to take a look at this article and quiz to see if you find yourself in it. Many of us engage in perfectionism but if we stop to think about how perfectionism is affecting our lives it can be easier to come to the understanding that we do not have to be perfect. Perfection is unattainable. Perfection is boring. You may find that if you constantly strive for perfection, you often will find yourself feeling disappointed.

I am not saying that we should strive for mediocrity. It is good to strive to do your best, at work, at home and in your relationships. It is good to do the best you can with what you have right now. That does not mean you have to be perfect. Remember that doing your best is all anyone can ask for, even you.

You can begin to let go of perfectionism by offering yourself grace and compassion for being the perfectly imperfect human that you are. We were not created to be perfect and it is good to remember that despite our flaws, we are worthy of love and belonging. You do not have to be perfect to be loved. You are loved because you are imperfect. You are loved because you are human.

What steps can you take to let go of perfectionism? Can you try to remind yourself that you are worthy of love and belonging simply because you are human?

Today marks Valentine’s Day and for some the day can be quite challenging, leaving some feeling alone and lonely. Some people feel as though they are without love, but in fact love is all around us.

Sometimes, people feel Valentine’s Day is really only for those in partnered relationships. But this day can be a day to celebrate all kinds of love, including self-love. We can choose to celebrate familial love today or friendships or marital love. We can choose today to celebrate love in all its many forms. We do not have to be in a relationship to celebrate love today.

For some, it can be difficult to recognize love. We may long to hear those three words: “I love you” but one does not have to say “I love you” in order to show love. Love can be heard in “drive safe,” “be careful,” “text me when you get home.” Love can be felt in a touch. Love can be heard in a phone call checking in on you. Love can be seen in the wink of an eye. Love is all around you if you are looking for it.

There are so many opportunities for us to recognize love today. Perhaps there is something getting in the way of your noticing the love in your life. Perhaps you have been scorned. Perhaps you have been hurt. For those who have been, it may be difficult to recognize or even accept love. What steps might you be able to take to notice the love in your life?

Valentine’s Day does not have to mean cards, flowers or candy. It can mean phone calls, texts or video chats. It can mean you taking care of yourself in a loving fashion. I understand that not everyone has a romantic valentine today but that does not mean you cannot be your own valentine. What might you be able to do today to show yourself some love?

There are so many different kinds of love. Valentine’s Day does not have to solely be a day to celebrate romantic love. Perhaps there is someone you love in a platonic fashion you could reach out today to show love. Perhaps there is a family member you could show love to. Perhaps there is a friend you could connect with. Love is all around you if you look for it. Happy Valentine’s Day.

With any luck, I truly am in the middle of my life. Yet as I find myself nearing 53 years old, I find myself struggling to accept aging—how aging is affecting me and what aging means for me. I find myself struggling with the fact that it is harder to do things that once came with relative ease, like running longer distances and maintaining my fitness to the degree I enjoy. I often find it challenging to appreciate my aging body for what it remains capable of as I notice changes in my appearance. It seems harder on most days to love myself as I am becoming a woman of middle age.

How do we appreciate our bodies as we age? How can I come to terms with what I am seeing and feeling? I often find myself telling clients who struggle with body image and aging to try to appreciate all their bodies allow them to do. I try to remember to be grateful for the fact that my two legs can still run from time to time, they still carry me to and fro. I try to remember to be grateful for my two hands that let me be expressive. I try to remember to be thankful for my eyes that continue to allow me to see all the beauty in the world. I try to remember to be thankful for my heart, my lungs and all my internal organs that likely suffered some measure of damage after having lived most of my life with anorexia nervosa. Sometimes I remind myself that it is a miracle I still am alive considering how I have treated my body over the years.

Some days, I have more success reminding myself that this aging body of mine still is capable of amazing things. I still am able to exercise two to four hours a day, which I understand could be considered excessive by many people. Other days, I find myself beating myself up for not feeling up to monster workouts or running. I find myself missing the younger version of myself who could run 40 to 50 miles a week after participating in an hour-long boxing class. It’s hard in my head. Sometimes, I feel like it’s hard being me. Likely some of you feel the same way.

On days when I feel as though it’s hard being me, I try to remind myself that none of my days are promised to me. I try to remember to be grateful for what I can do rather than lamenting what seems so difficult some days. No one is guaranteed longevity or health. None of us is promised tomorrow. The trick is to appreciate you as you are and what you still can do. Some days you may have more success with this, and that’s okay. I’m trying to be kind and gentle with myself as I age. I’m trying to practice more self-love than self-hate. I’m trying to love the woman I am becoming.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

I have found myself feeling so tired of late, emotionally, mentally and physically. I suspect I am not alone in this feeling. I suspect I am not the only person feeling a deep, down exhaustion stemming not just from the pandemic but from the overall state of the world.

I started feeling this way a while back and recently on my drive to work a quote from the movie “Green Mile” popped into my head. The quote resonated with me as I pondered all the ugliness in the world today.

I have been thinking about this quote for several days now and noticing how all the ugly seems to be taking a toll on me. I find myself seeing ever more negativity on social media and in the news. Yet as I sipped my morning coffee as the sun rose so beautifully today, I am reminded that there is good and beauty and positivity all around me. So while I see so much ugly in the world, I find myself feeling sanguine that there still is beauty.

I also am reminded of dialectics, that is feeling two things at the same time. So when I find myself feeling emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted, I also am feeling inspired and hopeful.

I am tired of all the ugly in the world yet I recognize that I am surrounded by beauty.

I am tired of seeing negative, hateful things on social media yet am reminded how social media has allowed me to stay connected with friends and family near and far.

I am tired in my 52 year old body yet can practice being grateful for all it continues to allow me to accomplish.

I am tired of being in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic yet am thankful for the scientists who have found ways for us to combat it as best as we can as the virus continues to mutate.

I am tired of not being able to be with my friends in person as much as I desire yet am thankful for the opportunity to find new and creative ways to keep in touch with them.

It can be challenging during these times of what seems a constant barrage of negativity to find the good in the world, yet it is there. Every day may not be good but there is good in every day, sometimes we just have to look a little harder to find it. Perhaps if we (including me) practiced gratitude more frequently, we would find ourselves feeling more joyful for it is grateful people who are happy. I know that as I continue to battle this feeling of tiredness, it may take more effort to turn things around for myself, it will be well worth the effort. What steps might you take to combat your own feelings of tiredness? Can you practice gratitude? Can you give yourself permission to find beauty and joy?

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

It seems another year is coming to a close. I suspect many of us are wondering where 2021 went. I suspect many of us are wondering how the year went so fast. I suspect many of us have been left wondering if the new year to come will be any better than the last, considering we still find ourselves in the midst of a raging pandemic that has left more than one million people dead.

For many people, 2021 was not much better than 2020. For some, the opposite may be true. As this year comes to a close, I challenge you to think about what this past year has taught you about yourself. When you give this some thought, perhaps you will come to realize that you are stronger than you thought you are, more resilient than you imagined. The first two years of this decade have been, to say the least, very challenging. What have you learned about yourself through this pandemic that has left so many of us feeling burned out?

While you consider what you have learned about yourself in 2021, I urge you also to consider how you what you want to do with the new year. What would you like to look, sound and feel like in the new year? One of my clients had the brilliant idea of assigning each new year a word by which to live. As her golden birthday will be celebrated in 2022, she has assigned the year the word “glow.” Every day, she will try to live by that word. What could your word be? How do you want to live the upcoming year? How do you want to spend your days?

I have been giving this considerable thought and I have decided to make my word “fearless.” I hope to challenge myself to tackle things that make me feel less fearful as I age. I hope to make 2022 a year in which I do something brave as often as possible.

We can choose to let the upcoming year run us or we can run the year. How do you want to spend the new year? What do you want to do with your time? I think the COVID-19 pandemic has taught many of us that time is fleeting. We are not guaranteed tomorrow; we only have today. How can you best spend your time? What word do you want to assign to this new year? Consider what that could be and try to live up to it.

Death is a natural part of life. We all know this yet somehow that does not make it easier when we lose a loved one. The death of a loved one can leave us with profound feelings of grief as we mourn. How do we get through this?

I find myself dealing with much death lately. Several of my clients have experienced the loss of loved ones in recent weeks, as have several of my friends. I myself still am in grief as I continue to mourn my mother who died two days before Christmas in 2012. I am reminded that we do not move on from grief, we move through it.

Many of us are familiar with Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It is important to remember that we do not necessarily move through these stages in a linear fashion. We may move back and forth through the stages, lingering in one or more at any given time. We may feel both depression and anger when a loved one dies. We may find ourselves in denial while bargaining. Know that whatever you are feeling when grieving a loved one is okay. Your feelings surrounding your loss are fair and valid. No one has the right to tell you to move on. You grieve in your own way and in your own time.

David Kessler, an expert on grief, now speaks of a sixth stage that some of us may experience after a loss and that is meaning making. It may take months or years to make sense of a loss but you may find yourself able to do so. He offers a TEDTalk about this and you can find it here: https://www.ted.com/talks/david_kessler_how_to_find_meaning_after_loss.

We all at some point will lose someone we care for or love. We all at some point will experience the deep pain of grief. However you find yourself grieving is fair and valid. You may find yourself flooded with memories of your loved one. You may find yourself crying for days, weeks or months after your loss. That is okay. You grieve in your own time and in your own way. You may find yourself reminded of your loved one’s passing as their death date nears or at birthdays or anniversaries, and that, too, is okay. You may find yourself in mourning for months or years. It is okay to ask for support in whatever way you need to be supported through grief from whomever you need it from.

When we find ourselves in grief, it may be helpful to remember that we feel this way because we cared for or loved that person deeply. We chose to love that person. Grief reminds us that we cared for our loved one with our hearts. Grief reminds us that we are capable of deep love.

The death of a loved one never is easy to navigate, even if that death is expected. Whatever you are feeling, whatever stage of grief you find yourself in, is okay. Remind yourself that it may take months if not years to process your loss. Remind yourself that your feelings are fair and valid. And remind yourself that it is okay to reach out for support if you need to.

Today marks Thanksgiving in the United States. The day for many means gathering with friends or family or both to celebrate all for which we are grateful. And in the United States, we have so much for which to be grateful. How will you give thanks today? How will you practice gratitude today?

Today can bring for many a mix of emotions. Many of us will find ourselves feeling excited to be able to spend time with those we love and care for. Yet, some may be dreading the holiday as it can bring feelings of sadness as we remember those we have lost. Try to remember that it may feel good to give thanks for the memories you have of your lost loved one.

For those struggling with eating disorders, the day can bring on feelings of food anxiety. For those who are feeling anxious about food, it may be helpful to remember and give thanks for wherever you may be in your recovery.

It may also be helpful to remember that it is okay to give thanks even for those relatives we find challenging because of their political beliefs or leanings or because of other reasons. We all have at least one relative with whom we disagree. Try to remember that it is okay to give thanks for the ability to try to see both sides in any argument. Try to remember that it is okay to give thanks for the thought that we all are entitled to our own opinions.

Thanksgiving can be a time to practice gratitude for all we have in our lives, for love, for friendship, for family, for our jobs if we have one, for the ability to laugh. How will you practice gratitude today? For some it may be a challenge to figure out how to practice gratitude during this season. Here are some thoughts on doing so … https://ideas.ted.com/your-5-day-gratitude-challenge-from-ted/.

On some days, it may be challenging to find something for which to be grateful. Try to remember that you do not have to practice gratitude for just the big things in life; you can practice gratitude for even the smallest thing. Maybe you made bunch of green lights today on your way to Thanksgiving dinner. Maybe you started the day with a really good cup of coffee. Be thankful for that, and for the people who grew your coffee so that you could enjoy that. Maybe your hair turned out really good today. Maybe you heard from a friend you hadn’t heard from for a while. Be thankful for that.

There are so many things for which we can be thankful. How will you give thanks today? How can you practice gratitude? However you go about doing so, I wish you a day full of love and laughter.