Death is a natural part of life. We all know this yet somehow that does not make it easier when we lose a loved one. The death of a loved one can leave us with profound feelings of grief as we mourn. How do we get through this?

I find myself dealing with much death lately. Several of my clients have experienced the loss of loved ones in recent weeks, as have several of my friends. I myself still am in grief as I continue to mourn my mother who died two days before Christmas in 2012. I am reminded that we do not move on from grief, we move through it.

Many of us are familiar with Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It is important to remember that we do not necessarily move through these stages in a linear fashion. We may move back and forth through the stages, lingering in one or more at any given time. We may feel both depression and anger when a loved one dies. We may find ourselves in denial while bargaining. Know that whatever you are feeling when grieving a loved one is okay. Your feelings surrounding your loss are fair and valid. No one has the right to tell you to move on. You grieve in your own way and in your own time.

David Kessler, an expert on grief, now speaks of a sixth stage that some of us may experience after a loss and that is meaning making. It may take months or years to make sense of a loss but you may find yourself able to do so. He offers a TEDTalk about this and you can find it here: https://www.ted.com/talks/david_kessler_how_to_find_meaning_after_loss.

We all at some point will lose someone we care for or love. We all at some point will experience the deep pain of grief. However you find yourself grieving is fair and valid. You may find yourself flooded with memories of your loved one. You may find yourself crying for days, weeks or months after your loss. That is okay. You grieve in your own time and in your own way. You may find yourself reminded of your loved one’s passing as their death date nears or at birthdays or anniversaries, and that, too, is okay. You may find yourself in mourning for months or years. It is okay to ask for support in whatever way you need to be supported through grief from whomever you need it from.

When we find ourselves in grief, it may be helpful to remember that we feel this way because we cared for or loved that person deeply. We chose to love that person. Grief reminds us that we cared for our loved one with our hearts. Grief reminds us that we are capable of deep love.

The death of a loved one never is easy to navigate, even if that death is expected. Whatever you are feeling, whatever stage of grief you find yourself in, is okay. Remind yourself that it may take months if not years to process your loss. Remind yourself that your feelings are fair and valid. And remind yourself that it is okay to reach out for support if you need to.

Today marks Thanksgiving in the United States. The day for many means gathering with friends or family or both to celebrate all for which we are grateful. And in the United States, we have so much for which to be grateful. How will you give thanks today? How will you practice gratitude today?

Today can bring for many a mix of emotions. Many of us will find ourselves feeling excited to be able to spend time with those we love and care for. Yet, some may be dreading the holiday as it can bring feelings of sadness as we remember those we have lost. Try to remember that it may feel good to give thanks for the memories you have of your lost loved one.

For those struggling with eating disorders, the day can bring on feelings of food anxiety. For those who are feeling anxious about food, it may be helpful to remember and give thanks for wherever you may be in your recovery.

It may also be helpful to remember that it is okay to give thanks even for those relatives we find challenging because of their political beliefs or leanings or because of other reasons. We all have at least one relative with whom we disagree. Try to remember that it is okay to give thanks for the ability to try to see both sides in any argument. Try to remember that it is okay to give thanks for the thought that we all are entitled to our own opinions.

Thanksgiving can be a time to practice gratitude for all we have in our lives, for love, for friendship, for family, for our jobs if we have one, for the ability to laugh. How will you practice gratitude today? For some it may be a challenge to figure out how to practice gratitude during this season. Here are some thoughts on doing so … https://ideas.ted.com/your-5-day-gratitude-challenge-from-ted/.

On some days, it may be challenging to find something for which to be grateful. Try to remember that you do not have to practice gratitude for just the big things in life; you can practice gratitude for even the smallest thing. Maybe you made bunch of green lights today on your way to Thanksgiving dinner. Maybe you started the day with a really good cup of coffee. Be thankful for that, and for the people who grew your coffee so that you could enjoy that. Maybe your hair turned out really good today. Maybe you heard from a friend you hadn’t heard from for a while. Be thankful for that.

There are so many things for which we can be thankful. How will you give thanks today? How can you practice gratitude? However you go about doing so, I wish you a day full of love and laughter.

It seems the holiday season is upon us. For many people, this can be a time to celebrate with family and friends and to remember those who may no longer be with us. For many people, this time can be one of nearly unbearable stress.

The holiday season can be one of great importance to many people. We may find ourselves trying to get together with those we love, with our friends and families, with those we have not seen in a while because of the COVID-19 pandemic. We may find ourselves running from here to there and everywhere in between. We may find ourselves attending gatherings or hosting gatherings. All of this may lead to feelings of stress, anxiety and overwhelm. It always is important to remember to take time during this busy season to take care of ourselves, to take time to practice self-care and to rest when we need to.

It also may behoove you to remember that it is perfectly acceptable to say “No” to those things that no longer bring you joy. If you are feeling overwhelmed by all the holiday get-togethers, it is okay to decline an invitation and send your regards. If you find yourself feeling stressed out because you have 35 people coming over for Thanksgiving, it is acceptable to ask those guests to contribute a dish to the meal. You do not have to do everything for everyone all the time. It is okay for you to ask for help if you are feeling stressed, anxious or overwhelmed.

The holiday season can be a joyous time for many people while for others it can lead to feelings of anxiety. It always is good to practice self-care but perhaps even more important during this season. I have had several clients recently ask me what self-care is, what that term means. Practicing self-care means doing things for you that bring you pleasure and joy. Perhaps it means making time to read a favorite book or watch a holiday movie. Perhaps it means scheduling a massage, manicure or pedicure. Perhaps it means going for a walk or run or bike ride. Self-care can be anything that feels good to you that helps you manage feelings of stress, anxiety or overwhelm. What can you do during this holiday season to make yourself feel good? What can you do to take care of your own needs. You cannot pour from an empty cup. Remember that it is okay to take care of yourself so that you can better take care of those you love.

Managing stress and anxiety during the holiday season can mean for some remembering that nothing needs to be perfect. When we strive for perfection, we can feel constantly let down and disappointed with ourselves, with a situation. Remember that it is okay to accept that you have done your best; that is always good enough. No one can ask for more than your best. It always is good to remember that you are doing the best you can with what you have right now. It always is good to remember that you are worthy of love and belonging simply because you are human, not because your Christmas tree is decorated perfectly.

With the holiday season now upon us, remember that it is okay to say “No” to the things that no longer bring you joy. The holiday season can be a stressful time for many people. Remember that it is acceptable to decline invitations, to cut back on your cooking or baking and ask for help. Doing things to manage your stress, anxiety and overwhelm can mean a more joyous holiday season not just for you but for those you love.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

We are in the midst of an epidemic of loneliness. Nearly three of five people experience deep feelings of being lonely and for many, these feelings are worsening because of the COVID-19 pandemic. Loneliness is strongly correlated to feelings of depression and anxiety. The question is, what to do about it?

Many of us feel lonely from time to time but since the start of the COVID-19 pandemic, more of us are experiencing feelings of loneliness, as well as an increase in depression and anxiety. Loneliness is more than feeling alone. Many of us enjoy our alone time and many of us need alone time now and again. Loneliness, though, can leave us feeling as though we are an island unto ourselves, without friends or loved ones.

Sometimes when we’re feeling lonely, we may find ourselves longing for a particular person or group of people. What, if anything, is making it challenging for you to reach out when feeling this way? For some, there is a fear of rejection: What if I reach out and am turned down for company? Others may feel that reaching out makes them look weak. Still others may feel as though they may be a burden if they reach out and ask for company. It is astonishing to me how many of us fail to reach out because the feeling of being rejected or being a burden is heavier than that deep feeling of loneliness. What if the opposite is true, though? What if you were to reach out only to find that your friend or loved one is feeling similarly?

Another reason we may fail to reach out when we are feeling lonely is because, on some level, we have convinced ourselves that we are not liked or loved, even by our closest confidantes. Many of us engage in this kind of thinking from time to time, often when our self-esteem is lagging. Perhaps we should test the veracity of that thought, though. More likely that not, we do have friends or family we can reach out to when we are feeling lonely and more likely than not we are loved for who we are. Perhaps your friend or family member also is feeling lonely. Perhaps you are not the only one in need of companionship.

Many of us have found since the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic that we feel increasingly isolated. We find ourselves not sure to whom we can reach out or how to reach out. I think the pandemic has taught many of us new and creative ways to connect with our people. We can reach out by phone, text, email, video chat or in person if we feel comfortable doing so. What is preventing you from connecting with your people? Is there a story you keep telling yourself that keeps you from reaching out? Is it possible that your people may be longing for connection just as much as you? Is reaching out the antidote to loneliness? What is stopping you from reaching out? Is it you?

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

We talk a lot about self-love these days but one thing we sometimes forget to speak of is how to get there. We know that self-love is not selfish; it is necessary so that we can become happy, healthy individuals. But how do we move from perhaps disliking ourselves to coming to love who we are while becoming who we want to be? The first step is to pay attention to how we talk to ourselves.

So many of us engage in negative self-talk, saying sometimes downright cruel things to ourselves. How many of us walk around calling ourselves derogatory names like “idiot,” “loser” or “dumbass?” I suspect many of us engage in this sort of self-shaming talk without even realizing it. I wonder what would happen if instead of calling ourselves nasty names, we instead referred to ourselves in loving terms, using words like “darling,” “love” or “sweetheart?” I wonder this because it matters how we speak to ourselves. We cannot shame ourselves into self-love. We cannot speak badly to ourselves and expect our brains and bodies to respond positively.

Instead of engaging in negative self-talk, try countering those statements with positive affirmations. Focus on those parts and qualities of you that you like and voice them aloud. For example, instead of calling yourself ugly, compliment yourself aloud on your beautiful eyes, your winsome smile, your lovely hands. Instead of calling yourself stupid, remind yourself that you have skills others may not possess. Instead of berating yourself for making a mistake, remind yourself that you are doing the best you can with what you have right now. You are listening to the way you speak to yourself so try to speak kindly to yourself, just as you might speak to a friend or other loved one. More likely than not you would not say cruel things to a loved one, so why speak that way to yourself?

It takes practice to move away from negative self-talk and self-shaming but I guarantee the more you practice positive self-affirmations and positive self-talk, the closer you will come to self-love. It may seems strange or silly at first to speak kindly to yourself but I suspect that with practice, you will notice a marked shift in the way you not just perceive yourself but in the way you feel about yourself. You might notice that you stand a little taller, walk with more confidence and speak with more authority after practicing positive self-affirmations for a few weeks. The more we engage in positive self-talk the better we will start to feel about ourselves and the more we will come to love ourselves for the perfectly imperfect beings that we are. We all have positive qualities we can focus on; what are yours? Think for a moment about three things you like about yourself and voice them aloud. Perhaps your three things are that you are kind, caring and compassionate. Voice those things aloud in “I am … ” statements. Remind yourself that there is more good about you than bad and then focus on those good qualities. Remember that the way you speak to yourself matters and that you cannot shame yourself into self-love.

What three positive things about yourself might you be able to focus on today? Can you voice those things? Can you counter your negative self-talk with positive self-affirmations? The more you do so, the better you will feel about yourself. Why not give it a try? Why not give yourself a chance to feel good about yourself?

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

I always am loathe to give up summer. I love the feeling of the warm sun on my face, the heat of summer on my skin. I love to see summer flowers blooming in neighbors’ yards while I am out running or walking. I often find myself lamenting summer’s end, but recently have realized that in so doing I neglect to see the beauty of autumn.

We think of New Year’s Day as a time to renew our commitment to adopting new habits or creating positive change in our lives. Yet autumn can teach us similar things. As the leaves on the trees start changing color and dropping to the ground, we can be reminded of how beautiful it is to let things go. Autumn can help remind us how it is okay to let go of the things that weigh us down.

This time of year reminds me that perhaps there is no better time to let go of things like negative self-talk, worry or concern about what others think of me and others’ expectations. This time of year reminds me that it is okay to rid my life of things that no longer bring me joy, be that people, places or things. This time of year reminds me that sometimes we have to let go of the things that weigh us down so that we can soar, so that we can rise up and lift ourselves out of any misery we may be experiencing.

So many of us struggle with negative self-talk, low self-esteem, worry about the way others perceive us, shoulding ourselves, perfectionism. What might happen if we let go of those things? What might happen if we took time this season to let go of all our negative thoughts and embraced change? What might happen if we looked at autumn as a time to renew our commitment to positive change in our lives?

What are some things that you have been carrying with you that you could let go? Is it guilt or shame? Is it people pleasing? Is it materialism? Is it poor body image? Is it bad habits? Is it toxic relationships? Know that whatever it might be that is weighing you down, it is okay to let go. Remember that it is acceptable to let go of the things or people that no longer bring you joy. Consider the possibility that some burdens are not yours to carry. It is okay to set down those that are not.

Many of us struggle with the change of seasons. The shorter days of autumn can lead to the depressive symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder. Perhaps instead of lamenting summer’s end, it might be helpful to think about autumn as a time to embrace change. There is beauty in all of the seasons, just as there is beauty in all seasons of your life. Each season of our life can teach us about who we are and help us become who we always were meant to be. First, though, we need to let go of all that is weighing us down. Think about what you might be able to let go this autumn. Embrace change and consider how doing so might free you of burdens that are not yours to carry.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. Nearly one in five people experience suicidal thoughts in their lifetime, and suicide is the most common cause of death for men under 50. Suicide is on the rise in communities of color and among teenagers. People living with mental health conditions and addictions are more likely to consider suicide. Still, so many people with mental health problems are made to feel ashamed or worthless because of their illnesses.

With nearly one in five people living with mental illness at any given time in the United States, it is possible that someone you know right now has a mental health problem. Take the time today to ask a loved one how they’re doing: it could change their life. So many people who are considering suicide do so because they feel alone in their depression, in their anxiety, in their addiction. Let the people in your life know that you care about them; tell them that you love them and need them in your life. Let the people you care about know that their lives matter, that their existence matters and that their lives are worth living. Let the people you care about know that they are not alone.

It is important to know that if someone you love is thinking about suicide, it is okay to talk about that. It is okay to use the word “suicide” when dealing with someone considering his or her own death. Using the word “suicide” will not put the idea in that person’s head. Be direct and tell them how losing them will affect you. So often, people considering suicide believe that they are a burden on those they love, on the world. Make sure your loved one knows this is not true. Make sure your loved one knows that they are important to you for so many reasons.

If you or a loved one is experiencing suicidal thoughts, please call 1.800.273.TALK. You also may text the Crisis Text Line at 741 741 for assistance or dial 911 for immediate help.

Why do we sometimes feel as though we have to apologize for our feelings? Are our feelings not valid, be they mad, sad, happy, glad or otherwise? Are we not entitled to our feelings?

Recently in my work as a therapist, many of my clients have been apologizing to me for feeling a certain way or for crying in session. I try to reassure them that the space we share is a space where they can feel whatever it is they are feeling. There are no wrong feelings. There are only your feelings, and not only are your feelings valid but they matter. You do not have to apologize for your feelings. Own them.

So many of us have spent years avoiding our feelings. We stay busy in an effort to manage our feelings, particularly the rough ones. What might we be afraid of if we simply sit with our feelings, be they happy, mad, sad or glad. What happens if we think of feelings as though they are visitors? Visitors come and go; rarely do they stay forever. Our feelings are fleeting, they will pass. Practice simply noticing what you are feeling and sitting with it for a few minutes. The more we accept our feelings the less judgemental we will be with ourselves for feeling a particular way.

When we own our feelings, we take responsibility for how we have chosen to react to any given situation. Yes, there will be times when we feel angry or frustrated, hurt, disappointed or sad. There will be times when we feel elated, happy, excited or ecstatic. Own all the feelings, good and bad. You are entitled to both. Own your feelings. Do not give anyone else the power to “make” you feel any given way. Your feelings are your own. You are responsible for them and for the way you express them. If you need to cry, remember that it is okay to cry. Let the tears come, let them cleanse your soul. If you need to laugh, do so with a happy heart.

The more we remember that we can choose how we react to any given situation by pausing and reflecting on what it is that we feel, the easier it can be to own our feelings. Slow down and notice what you are feeling. Share those feelings in a way that is respectful and feels good to you by using “I feel … ” statements. Those statements can be used to share both positive and negative emotions. The more you practice using such statements, the easier it becomes not only to get in touch with what you are feeling but to share those feelings with people.

When we own our feelings and allow ourselves to sit with them for a few moments, we can find it easier to find our inner peace. Remember that your feelings are valid and that you are entitled to your feelings while at the same time digging deep to determine what exactly it is you are feeling. It may take a few minutes to really discern what you are feeling. Name it and own it. Your feelings are your own and you are responsible for them. Can you take a few moments to sit with those feelings and come to a place of acceptance? Can you accept those feelings without judgement? Can you own your feelings?

Today is the day we celebrate fathers in the United States, but for some people Father’s Day can be extremely difficult. For those who have lost their fathers, those who had or have strained relationships with their fathers, those who yearn to be fathers but are not, this day can be hard to navigate.

When celebrating this day, it is important to remember that not everyone still has a living father and that not every man is a father. Instead of saying, “Happy Father’s Day” to every man you meet, perhaps instead consider saying simply, “Enjoy your day.”

So many people I know already have lost their fathers and this day can be bittersweet. For those of you who have lost your fathers, try to remember the good times you shared with your dad. Try to remember all the goofy dad jokes your father told you. Try to remember all the good things your father taught you and the lessons he imparted.

For those who yearned to be fathers, but for reasons that are extremely personal, cannot be, this day can be very painful. Try to remember with compassion, love and understanding those who wished to become fathers but could not. Those who are childless may have desperately wanted children and seeing you and your father together today can be hard for these men. Some fathers may already have lost a child or children. Remember them on this day.

Many children have had strained relationships with their fathers and celebrating on this day may not be a realistic option. For some people, the relationship they have with their father is complicated. Their relationships with their fathers may have been abusive verbally, physically or even sexually. Remember this when you offer your holiday greetings.

For those of you whose fathers still are living and with whom you have a good relationship, I hope you enjoy your day. Remember how lucky you are to be with your father on this day and every day.