In my work, I frequently meet people struggling with low self-esteem, shame and perfectionism. Some people I meet live with a combination of these things and helping them understand how to come to love themselves can be difficult.

When low self-esteem, shame and perfectionism come together to undermine one’s love of self, finding your way back to loving yourself can seem daunting, sometimes impossible. Shame and perfectionism often stem from low self-esteem and the three work together to create a sort of Catch-22. Perfectionism often leads to shame and feeds low self-esteem when we realize we cannot achieve perfection. What we sometimes have trouble remembering, though, is that perfection usually is unattainable. What we sometimes have trouble remembering is that we do not have to be perfect to be amazing creatures worthy of love and belonging. We are perfectly imperfect and that is good enough.

When perfectionism, shame and low self-esteem undermine our love of self it is important to remember that we are worthy of love and belonging simply for being human. It is our imperfections, our quirks, that make us lovable. When struggling with low self-esteem, it can be difficult to remember that, though. But think about your family and friends for a moment. They likely love you because you, like them, are flawed human beings. None of us is perfect. We are loved despite our imperfections. And we likely love our family and friends because of their imperfections.

If we love others because of or despite their imperfections, why can we not love ourselves because of our own imperfections? Unconditional love of others begins with love of self. We forgive imperfections in our family and friends, so must we forgive our own. We must learn to love ourselves because we are perfectly imperfect. We must learn to love our quirks just as we love the quirks of our family and friends.

Love of self can be difficult to attain, but the more we embrace our imperfections as things that make us human, the more we can love ourselves. Love of self is not selfish; love of self is imperative in order to fully love others. If we do not love ourselves for the flawed creatures that we are, how can we love others?

 

Today is the day we celebrate mothers, but for some people Mother’s Day can be extremely difficult. For those who have lost their mothers, those who had or have strained relationships with their mothers, those who yearn to be mothers but are not, this day can be hard to navigate.

When celebrating this day, it is important to remember that not everyone still has a living mother and that not every woman is a mother. Instead of saying, “Happy Mother’s Day” to every woman you meet, perhaps instead consider saying simply, “Enjoy your day.”

So many people I know already have lost their mothers and this day can be bittersweet. For those of us who have lost our mothers, try to remember the good times you shared with your mom.

For those who yearned to be mothers, but for reasons that are extremely personal, cannot be, this day can be very painful. Try to remember those who wished to become mothers with love and understanding. Those who are childless may have desperately wanted children and seeing you and your mother together today can be hard for these women.

Many children have had strained relationships with their mothers and celebrating on this day may not be an option. For some people, the relationship they have with their mother is complicated. Their relationships with their mothers may have been abusive, remember this when you offer your holiday greetings.

For those of you whose mothers still are living and with whom you have a good relationship, I hope you enjoy your day. Remember how lucky you are to be with your mother on this day and every day.

 

 

 

 

It is a sad but true fact of life that we will lose people we love. Grandparents, parents, spouses and friends will pass away. Their deaths will leave us feeling sad, empty, alone. We will grieve their losses for days, weeks, months, sometimes years.

Last week, I was working with two clients who recently had lost loved ones. One fellow lost his sister to suicide while a young lady found her father had died of a heart attack in the family home. Both losses are tragic and left my clients feeling raw sadness and profound grief. The young lady had found her father passed away after coming home from school one day just after Thanksgiving 2018. The fellow had lost his sister to suicide just days ago. Both were grieving. I encouraged each client to take time to navigate the grief process. There is no timetable on grief.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler believed there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. These stages are not linear and there is no time limit on how long each stage should be experienced. Those who have lost loved ones may move through one stage only to return to another time and again before finally coming to terms with their loved one’s death. Again, there is no time limit on the stages of grief.

The young lady who lost her father told me that her mother was encouraging her to move on from her father’s death, to accept that he is no longer with her. That may have been mom’s way of trying to help, but the young lady needed to grieve in her own time and in her own way. There is no right way to grieve. Grief is very personal and we should be allowed to grieve the way we need to and for however long is necessary.

If grief becomes so overwhelming that you cannot function, there is help available. If you need someone to talk to to help process your grief, there are people who are willing and who want to help. There also are exercises that may be helpful in processing your grief. One such exercise is to write a good-bye letter to your loved one. Doing so may help you say to your loved one things you did not get an opportunity to say in person. You can send the letter to heaven, if you believe in that, by tying it to a balloon and releasing it into the air.

When we lose loved ones, we likely will feel the gamut of emotions, everything from sadness to anger or even relief. We must give ourselves permission to feel and to grieve in our own time. There is no right way to grieve, nor is there a time limit on grief. Grieve in your own time.