I find it interesting these days how much so many of us have come to rely on others to validate us. It is so interesting how so many of us rely on social media to tell us that we are loved, that we are worthy of belonging. We post on social media in the hopes that we will receive “likes” and thumbs-up, perhaps in order to prove that we are worthy of love. Those “likes” and thumbs-up validate us, as if our entire existence depends on whether others see and read our posts.

What happens when we begin to rely on others to validate us? What happens when our sole source of validation comes from others, be it in the form of “likes” on social media or compliments from others? What happens when we fail to validate ourselves? In the long run, more likely than not our perception of ourselves can shift and we lose our joy by comparing ourselves to others. What happens if instead, we validate ourselves by practicing positive self-affirmations and by taking care of ourselves in ways that feel nourishing?

When we rely on others for validation, we put our power of self-love in others’ hands. When that happens, we start to lose sight of who we really are. We can fall victim to how others see us, which may not be how we really are. Oftentimes, people do not or cannot see who we truly are. They see only what they want to see or what we are willing to show them. The only people who really know us is, in fact, us. Instead of seeking validation from others for what they can see, try practicing validating yourself for all you are.

If you cannot validate yourself, if you cannot practice positive self-affirmations, you will find yourself constantly disappointed because people do not always see you for who you really are. I understand that practicing positive self-affirmations can feel awkward but I assure you that the more you practice doing so not only will it seem less awkward, but the more you will come to believe what you are saying to yourself.

I recently started working with a young woman who has started feeling unattractive and has been seeking external validation for her appearance from others rather than taking steps to make herself feel more attractive so that she feels good about herself. I wondered aloud with her about what might happen if she started to take steps to make herself feel more attractive, perhaps by exercising and eating healthy or by wearing things that make her feel beautiful. She indicated that she had not really thought about those things, about making herself feel beautiful and self-validating. The more we take steps to validate ourselves, the less we feel the need to seek validation from others. And the more we do that, the more we come to love ourselves for ourselves rather than for how others view us.

Practicing self-validation by offering yourself positive self-affirmations could mean telling yourself you are intelligent, strong and beautiful while looking in the mirror while getting dressed for the day. It could mean writing down three things you find attractive about yourself when you wake up in the morning or before you go to bed at night. You can offer yourself positive self-affirmations anytime throughout your day by simply noticing when you feel good about yourself and why.

We all seek external validation from time to time. The trouble in that comes when we come to rely solely on external validation to prove to ourselves that we are worthy of love and belonging. Social media makes that exponentially worse, as we can tend to compare ourselves to others we follow and use that comparison as a basis for validation. The more we come to practice self-validation, the less we need others to tell us that we are smart, strong, beautiful and worthy of love and belonging. You are worthy of love and belonging simply because you are a human being. The more you come to tell yourself that, the less you need to rely on others to do so.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP