We as humans are great at telling stories. Telling stories is one of the ways we share with other humans. We share stories to let others know who we are, where we come from, what our hopes and dreams are. We tell stories to connect with others. But what happens when we start telling ourselves stories?

Sometimes, we can tell ourselves great stories about where we’ve come from and where we’re headed. Those can be good stories, depending on how we shape our narratives. Other stories, though, can be rife with half-truths or complete malarkey. Many of us tell ourselves stories to avoid pain, to attempt to control a narrative, to give ourselves the illusion that we are in control of something we actually have little to no control over. These are the stories we might want to avoid.

Sometimes, we tell ourselves stories in an attempt to make ourselves feel better about a particular situation, or person, or event. We may believe these stories are true, but are they really? Do you have evidence to prove that your story is true? Or, are you filling in gaps of knowledge or information with something that may seem to make sense but isn’t backed up with evidence?

Sometimes, we tell ourselves stories to avoid having to change ourselves. This can happen when we place the blame for a situation or event on someone else. Doing so can leave us with a story in our heads that absolves us of the responsibility for someone else’s hurt feelings. And, yes, while we are not responsible for another person’s feelings, we can contribute to a person’s feelings. When we absolve ourselves of the responsibility for hurting someone emotionally, verbally, mentally or physically, and tell ourselves that we are not to blame when we, in fact, are to blame, we’re attempting to control a narrative that we just don’t like. Doing so can leave that other person even more hurt. Sometimes, what needs to happen is that we make an apology or change our behavior.

Sometimes, we tell ourselves stories that keep us stuck in a situation, like an abusive or unsatisfying, toxic, or dangerous relationship. We tell ourselves that no one else will love us, that we are unworthy of love, that we can’t leave. These stories can keep us stuck in something when we deserve better, which, in fact, we do.

We all tell ourselves stories. Some are good and some are not. When we fill in gaps of information or knowledge with stories without looking for evidence to support our stories, we run the risk of getting stuck in a narrative that likely is not helpful to ourselves or other people. Be wary of the stories you are telling yourself, and make sure you have evidence to support your stories.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP