personal-growth

Say what needs to be said (or, how to let go of resentment)

Karri Christiansen, MSW, LCSW, CADC, CCTP, , , Leave a comment

I have been hearing from many people both in my professional life and personal life that feelings of resentment have been building for years, forming a wall that is nearly impossible to see over and leaving folks feeling hurt, betrayed and disconnected. Resentment is like a wall, that, if not addressed sooner rather than later, can be challenging to knock down.

While many folks may harbor feelings of resentment, many often feel as though the time has past to say anything about what caused the feeling of resentment in the first place. Resentment tends to grow over time, so if not addressed those feelings tends to fester, leaving us feeling bitter, disconnected and angry. When we think of resentment as a wall that can, at times, feel hard to even see over, we think about what that wall is comprised of. Each time we let something slide that bothers us, that upsets us, leaves us feeling concerned, or leaves us feeling angry, we forge a brick in that wall of resentment. If you find that happening in one of your relationships, be it with a partner, a sibling, a parent, or a friend, that may mean that it is time to say the thing that needs to be said.

I understand that sometimes it is difficult to speak to someone about something that has bothered us for even a minute, or for days, weeks, months, or even years. Not many people are overjoyed to engage in those often challenging conversations. But what happens when we let things go unsaid, is that we forge another brick in the wall of resentment. When that wall becomes too high, it makes it difficult to even see the person on the other side without also feeling that resentment.

So, how do we engage in these conversations? How do we even open that conversation? What some people find helpful is having a “Hey, this is what I’m noticing … this is how it makes me feel … what are we going to do about it?” conversation. Of course, timing matters. If the person you need to speak with just got home from a craptastic day at work, maybe choose another, calmer time, to have this conversation. Maybe the conversation needs to happen the moment that pang of resentment is felt, so that feeling does not become yet another brick in the wall of resentment.

In addition to speaking with kindness with the person toward whom you feel resentment, there are additional ways to let go of feelings of resentment. Let’s take a look at some of them.

First, try to remember that boundaries are important in any relationship. It is crucial to set and enforce boundaries so that we let another person know what we will and will not tolerate, what our needs are and how we need them to be met, and to teach other people how to show us respect. Many times, folks who have trouble setting and enforcing boundaries find themselves with deep feelings of resentment. This could be due, to some extent, to never having had set boundaries in the first place. If you find that your boundaries are not being respected, it is time to say what needs to be said about that, in a kind and caring way. Share your feelings about the boundary, what need it addresses and how you want to get back on track with the boundary.

Try to remember that most people do not engage in malicious or intentionally disrespectful behavior. Yes, it may feel as though some behaviors are intentional, though likely more than not, those behaviors were not meant to cause pain or consternation. It is okay to share your feelings about the behavior without launching a personal attack on someone’s character or personality. Doing so holds the other person accountable for their actions while allowing you to share your feelings and needs. The other part of this is offering the other person forgiveness for what may have been a bad choice, a confusing action, or hurtful words. Forgiving a person for a misdeed or misstep does not mean you are excusing the behavior, but rather can offer you some measure of peace.

Sometimes journaling can help folks let go of some of their feelings of resentment. Using an actual writing utensil and a journal or piece of paper can help the writer release feelings, often more so than typing it out on a note on your phone or computer. In writing things down, we can give ourselves permission to look at things more clearly, from another person’s perspective, and focus on what we have control over and what we do not. While we cannot control another person’s behavior or words, we can gently point out when we feel harmed or hurt by those behaviors or words. Say the thing that needs to be said.

When we let a moment pass to say what needs to be said, we begin to forge a brick in the wall of resentment. Repeatedly allowing this to happen can lead to feelings of hurt, anger, betrayal and disconnection with our person, whomever that may be. If we can summon the courage to address things head-on, say what needs to be said, we can start taking down that wall of resentment brick by brick. Sometimes that wall gets so high, we completely lose sight of who the other person is or was. We let our feelings of resentment blind us.

Is there something you need to say to someone? Can you find the courage to have a “Hey, this is what I’m noticing … ” conversation? Try to remember that if we are not sharing our feelings of resentment and why they are there, the other person may be completely in the dark about our feelings, left to wonder what the heck is going on. Say the thing that needs to be said, kindly, gently, and with the understanding that the other person may have no clue as to why you feel resentment toward him/her/them.

Karri Christiansen, MSW, LCSW, CADC, CCTP

Say what needs to be said (or, how to let go of resentment)

It’s time to stop shoulding yourself

Karri Christiansen, MSW, LCSW, CADC, CCTP, , , , Leave a comment

We as humans are fantastic at berating ourselves, shaming ourselves, calling ourselves derogatory names. Most of us are our own worst critics. Many of us speak negatively to ourselves, even with cruelty. Many of us say things to ourselves that we likely would never say to a friend or family member. Most of us are guilty of shoulding all over ourselves. It’s time to stop.

Yes, it’s time to stop shoulding yourself. And, yes, that sounds exactly the way it is supposed to. Many of us engage in the sort of thinking that tells us that we should be doing this, or should be doing that, that we should feel a certain way, think a certain way, look a certain way. We do this shoulding of ourselves with some weird hope that we may feel better about something in our lives, the way we exist in the world … that doing so will make us somehow worthy of love and belonging and acceptance.

The fact of the matter is, we cannot shame ourselves into feeling better, doing better, performing better, thinking differently or looking a different way. When we should ourselves, we likely are coming from a place of shame. For “should” is borne of shame. And that little gremlin shame likes to tell us that we are not good enough, that we are not smart enough, that we are not doing enough, that we are not enough of anything. That gremlin is wrong. We were born enough.

When we should ourselves we are not treating ourselves with the same compassion, respect or care that we likely offer to others. When we should ourselves, we are buying into the story that we are somehow, in some way, not good enough. It’s time to stop shoulding all over yourself.


So, how do we stop shoulding all over ourselves? We practice speaking kindly to ourselves. We practice offering ourselves some compassion. We practice caring for ourselves in healthy ways. We course correct and try to remind ourselves that we usually are doing the best we can with what we have right now. And we remind ourselves to test the veracity of our thoughts, look for evidence to the contrary and think of something positive, something helpful, to say to ourselves.

We stop shoulding all over ourselves by reminding ourselves that it is okay to be our own loudest cheerleader rather than our own loudest and meanest critic. Again, we cannot shame or should ourselves into being, thinking or feeling better. It just won’t work. What it will do is make us feel worse, and lead us into shame spiral that can feel hard to climb out of.

If you find yourself shoulding all over yourself, heading into that shame spiral, stop and think just for a moment if that line of thinking is helpful or hurtful. What evidence do you have to support those shoulding/shaming thoughts? Is there evidence to the contrary? Think about whether you would say or do to a friend or family member what you are saying or doing to yourself. Most likely, you would not speak cruelly or behave with cruelty toward a friend or family member. It is okay to be kind to yourself and to lift yourself up, particularly if you find yourself in a shame spiral.

It’s time to stop shoulding all over yourself. What steps might you be willing to take to move away from shoulding and shaming self-talk and behavior? Can you remind yourself that should is borne of shame and that shame tells us the lie that we are not good enough. Can you remind yourself that you are good enough exactly as you are?

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LCSW, CADC, CCTP

It’s time to stop shoulding yourself

Acceptance is radical self-compassion

Karri Christiansen, MSW, LCSW, CADC, CCTP, , , , Leave a comment

About three years ago, I started a meditation practice with the help of the Calm app on my phone. To say it has been helpful would be an understatement of epic proportions. Meditation has changed my life so much for the better, I often find myself trying to remember how I lived without it. Meditation has been a true gift for me for many reasons, not the least of which is that I live with less anxiety and more compassion than I used to.

A few weeks ago, my meditation teacher made a statement that I continue to try to wrap my head around as it was so profound, I have been trying to determine how I can apply it to my life and to that of those I work with in therapy. The statement was this: “Acceptance is radical self-compassion.” What a meaningful thought, what weight this carries with me and likely with countless others. We in my profession speak much about the need for folks to practice self-compassion, sometimes without really explaining what that means, what it can look like and what it can sound like.

Self-compassion is so much more than being kind to yourself or loving yourself. It is the practice (notice I say “practice”) of offering yourself the same kindness, grace and space that you might offer any other human, be it your best friend, a sibling, a coworker, a parent. Self-compassion is the practice of speaking to yourself in a loving fashion. It is being your own cheerleader, rather than your own worst critic.

So, if that is true, that self-compassion is kindness and love directed inward, then it must also be true that acceptance is radical self-compassion. What, then, is acceptance? In its purest form, acceptance, according to Merriam-Webster is: the quality or state of being accepted or acceptable; and, the act of accepting something or someone; the fact of being accepted. And, what does that all mean?

Acceptance, to me, means that we stop arguing with ourselves about what is true in our lives. It means we stop wishing things were different. It means we stop wishing our bodies were different. It means we stop wishing we could magically change our circumstances without putting in any effort. It means we stop fighting the aging process. It means we have the courage to accept things the way they are while working to make things the way we need them to be. Acceptance, in many ways, reminds me of the Serenity Prayer:

God grand me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And, the wisdom to know the difference.

Most of us are fighting something in our lives. Be it something to do with work, or family, or friends, our children, our pets, ourselves, most of us are in some way wishing things were different. What would happen if things could not be any different? What if things stayed exactly as they are? Would you be okay? Would knowing that you would be okay if nothing were to change make you feel any differently about any given situation? Would reminding yourself that you can accept things as they are while working to improve them make you feel any differently about the situation? The likelihood that things will change dramatically on their own likely is pretty slim. But, you have some power to change your own circumstances depending on what course of action you decide to take.

Acceptance does not mean resignation, or that you capitulate and simply give up. Acceptance means that you acknowledge your situation and then decide what you want to do with that situation. The self-compassion part means that you speak to yourself kindly about whatever it is that is happening and tell yourself that whatever is happening, you are doing the best with what you have right now. Acceptance is radical self-compassion.

Offering ourselves compassion does not mean that we let ourselves off the hook. It means that we are kind to ourselves about our circumstances AND accountable for our actions while we work toward what we want. Self-compassion reminds us that we cannot shame ourselves into feeling better or doing better. Self-compassion asks us to acknowledge our situation, assess both our feelings and our thoughts, and consider what tools we have in our tool belts to elicit change. Self-compassion is kindness and curiosity working together. Acceptance is radical self-compassion.

How can you incorporate acceptance as self-compassion in your life? Is there a situation demanding some self-compassion? Is there a situation requiring acceptance? How can you be kind to yourself while holding yourself accountable? What can that look, sound and feel like?

Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

Acceptance is radical self-compassion

Gratitude is the antidote to comparison

Karri Christiansen, MSW, LCSW, CADC, CCTP, , , , Leave a comment

And so, we find ourselves well into the holiday season. For many people, this is a season of giving, of gratefulness and of kindness. For many others, though, this season can spur thoughts of comparison, leaving us feeling either inferior or superior to others.

The holiday season can remind many of us of all we have and all we have to be thankful for. Some people, though, find themselves falling into that comparison trap of feeling as though we’re not doing enough, we’re not having as much fun celebrating the holidays as others may be, that our houses are not decorated as spectacularly as other people’s houses, that our holiday fashions pale in comparison to others. Some people may feel as though they have to go overboard with giving, doing and being everything to everyone in order to feel as though they measure up during the holiday season.

What may help us stay out of that comparison trap is practicing gratitude. When we practice gratitude, we give ourselves permission to be thankful for all we have, all we do, for the people in our lives, and the time we have with them. The holiday season can leave us feeling as though we’re not doing enough, that we don’t have enough, that we aren’t enough … but only if we let ourselves feel that way. The antidote to comparison is gratitude.

Yes, it can be difficult to let go of comparison when it seems from magazines, reels, and social media that we might not be “measuring up” to other people. But when we engage in comparison, we are forgetting to practice gratitude for our lives. Practicing gratitude can remind us that many of us have just what we need right now. Yes, some people have more, and some people have less. That does not make us somehow lesser than or better than. Let go of the need for comparison.

What happens when we find ourselves falling into that comparison trap? We may notice that we start to feel either inferior or superior to others. Remind yourself that it is okay to be grateful for what you have while working toward what you want. If you find yourself falling into that comparison trap, try to use comparison as a tool to make your life better, to do better for yourself and for others, to inspire yourself.

Most of us will fall into that comparison trap from time to time; that is normal and human. When you notice yourself feeling somehow lesser than or better than others, try to remind yourself that none of us is lesser than or better than another person. We’re all just different. And that is the beauty of humanity. None of us is exactly the same as another. My life is different than your life. My situation is different than your situation. And, that is okay. Not better than. Not lesser than. Just different. Practice gratitude for all you are and all you have at the moment. Practice gratitude and let go of the need to compare yourself to anyone else, anyone else’s life, and anyone else’s situation.

What can you practice gratitude for during this holiday season, and all the other seasons of your life? Can you let go of the need to compare yourself, your life, your situation to anyone else’s? Can you remind yourself that none of us is better than or lesser than another human? We’re all just different. And that is the beauty of humanity.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

Gratitude is the antidote to comparison

Stop wishing things were different

Karri Christiansen, MSW, LCSW, CADC, CCTP, , , , Leave a comment

We seem to be living in a world where, for many people, things seem a bit upside down. Many people are struggling with today’s social and political climates, with global warming, the economy, and with everyday stresses and anxieties stemming from our jobs, families and perhaps even friends. Many people seem to be wishing things were different.

I get it. But what happens to our minds, our bodies and our mental health when we keep wishing things were different? What likely is happening is that our stress and anxieties are increasing, leaving us feeling both emotionally and physically exhausted. Wishing things were different not only robs us of the opportunity to accept things as they are, but also speaks to our desire for and total lack of control over external forces. When we are wishing things were different, what we really are saying is that we wish we had control over what other people think, say or do. We are saying we wish we had control over things that are, in actuality, well beyond our control.

Anxiety is borne, in part, when we stress over things we really cannot control. Wishing things were different heightens our anxiety because we are faced with the reality that we cannot control what other people think, say or do. Furthermore, wishing things were different can keep us stuck in the past, leaving us ruminating over things we or other people have said, done or thought. Just as we have no control over what other people think, say or do, we similarly have no control—no power—to go back and change what we or others may have said or done in the past. Stop wishing things were different.

When we stop wishing things were different, we empower ourselves to really consider what we can control. We also give ourselves permission to stop fighting and accept that things just are the way they are. That is not to say that we must resign ourselves to accept situations or relationships that are emotionally or physically unsafe. Nor does accepting the way things are mean that we cannot work toward making the future better for ourselves and others. When we stop wishing things were different, we take back our power and remind ourselves of what we really can control, namely what we think, say or do.

When you get right down to it, we really have control over just one thing, and that is ourselves. We can choose how we want to respond to external stimuli. We can choose how we want to respond to what others say. We can choose how we want to respond to what others do. We can choose to remind ourselves that we really have no control over what others think. When we stop wishing things were different, we empower ourselves to make better choices about how we want to respond to external stimuli.

Is it time for you to stop wishing things were different? Is it time for you to stop and think about what you really can and cannot control? Is it time for you to step back into your power and choose how you want to respond to other people, to external stimuli? Stop wishing things were different and take back your power.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

Stop wishing things were different

How do you handle frustration?

Karri Christiansen, MSW, LCSW, CADC, CCTP, , , , Leave a comment

It seems that more and more, many people are finding themselves feeling frustrated more and more often with more and more things, people, and situations. What leads to this very normal feeling and how are we supposed to manage that feeling?

According to the Oxford dictionary, the word “frustrated” means feeling or expressing distress and annoyance, especially because of inability to change or achieve something. Which, for many people means feeling out of control due in part to expectations. This can leave folks feeling powerless, disappointed, angry and/or stuck. But how do we manage this feeling of frustration? When we set our expectations so high that either we or others cannot reach them, we may be left feeling frustrated or disappointed. When it feels as though a situation is out of our control or isn’t going our way, we may be left feeling frustrated or angry. This feeling of frustration is normal, but for some can cause distress.

One way to manage feelings of frustration is to really think about what we do and do not have control over. What is within our locus of control? One exercise that may help with this is to take a writing utensil and outline your opposite hand with it. Inside that hand, write down what you know you really and honestly have control over, such as yourself and the way you choose to respond to things. Outside the hand, write down all the things you do not have control over, such as other people and the way they think or behave. Sometimes, seeing a visual representation of what we really have control over helps calm us, reminding us that so many things are outside of our control but what we can control is our behavior, reactions and responses to whatever or whomever is frustrating us.

Another way to manage feelings of frustration is to notice where in your body you notice that feeling. What physical sensations come up for you when you are feeling frustrated? Do you notice a tightening in your stomach, chest or face? Do you notice a warmth growing throughout your body? Do you notice your hands or jaw clenching? Can you soothe that feeling by taking a few long, slow deep breaths? Can you go for a short walk or run? Can you listen to some calming music? Can you take a few minutes to meditate?

Most people feel frustrated from time to time. When that happens, it may behoove us to simply consider why we are feeling frustrated. What is it about this person, event or situation that is leaving us feeling frustrated? Is something happening to leave you feeling as though your boundaries are not being respected? Does that leave open the possibility to having a conversation with someone about those boundaries? Is something happening that is leaving you feeling powerless? Does that mean you need to do something healthy so that you feel empowered?

When we give ourselves permission to really think about our feelings, notice where they reside in our bodies and take steps to soothe those feelings, we can go about our business with a better sense of calm and peace. Feelings of frustration sometimes can lead us down the rabbit hole of unhealthy venting, which sometimes can fuel the flames of frustration, leaving us feeling even more frustrated. Taking the time to self-soothe and really consider why we are feeling frustrated can help calm us.

Feeling frustrated happens with most people. What is that feeling of frustration telling you? Can you give yourself permission to slow down and examine that feeling, where it resides in your body and respond to what your body is telling you? Can you take a few calming breaths or otherwise self-soothe? Do you need to take steps to address the underlying feeling of disappointment or powerlessness by setting healthy boundaries? Can you walk or run it out? Addressing the feeling of frustration quickly in healthy ways can help dissipate that feeling before it grows and leads to unhealthy venting. How can you address your feelings of frustration?

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

How do you handle frustration?

How will you celebrate your independence?

Karri Christiansen, MSW, LCSW, CADC, CCTP, , , , Leave a comment

Today in the United States, many of us are celebrating the country’s independence. This makes me think about that word, “independence,” and what it means. Of course, it means many different things to many different people.

According to Merriam-Webster, the word independent means: not subject to control by others. In my world of mental health and substance use disorders, being independent could mean being free of undue influence of others, or being free of a substance or drug of choice. In either case, people could consider how they would like to celebrate their independence this 4th of July.

Some people may find it difficult to celebrate their independence today, particularly if they are in abusive or controlling relationships, or if they are struggling with substance use disorders. Others may find it difficult to celebrate their independence if they find they are living with mobility concerns. Still others may find that they are unable to celebrate their independence if they are facing housing issues, poverty or incarceration.

For others, though, today might be a good day to consider how you might assert your independence. That may mean considering what the word “independence” means to you. Could it mean giving yourself permission to set and enforce healthy boundaries, particularly in relationships that have become toxic? Could it mean summoning the strength to end a relationship that no longer serves you, is unhealthy, or brings you joy? Could it mean distancing yourself from people or places that leave you feeling trapped, insecure or used? Could it mean making the call to enter treatment for substance use?

Perhaps on this Independence Day, celebrating or advocating for your independence means you celebrate you and all the healthy ways you take care of yourself. Perhaps on this Independence Day, you engage in healthy self-care and put your needs, wants, hopes and desires at the forefront. Perhaps on this Independence Day, you celebrate all you are and all your potential and give yourself permission to take that next step you’ve been thinking about for so long in your career, family life, or relationships.

When we give ourselves permission to think about what that word “independence” means to us, we really can think about how we want to assert and celebrate our independence. Maybe that means setting ourselves free from the shackles of a controlling other or calling for help to escape an abusive relationship. Maybe that means setting a boundary in a toxic relationship, be that with a coworker, family member, or friend.

We have the right to claim our independence in a way that is respectful of others yet also ensures that our needs are met. We have the right to claim our independence in a way that leaves both ourselves and others with dignity. We have the right to claim our independence from those who leave us feeling oppressed, less than, or used.

Sometimes in life, we have to take care of our own needs. Sometimes in life, we have to advocate for ourselves. How can you claim your independence today? What would it mean for you to assert your independence today? Can you celebrate your independence today?

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

How will you celebrate your independence?

What happens when we “one up” or “one down” with others?

Karri Christiansen, MSW, LCSW, CADC, CCTP, , , , Leave a comment

We seem to be living in an era where people often engage in comparison. Thanks in part to the advent of social media, with people posting their highlight reels and making it seems as though their lives are nearly perfect, many people find that they engage in a dangerous game of comparing their lives to those of others, even those they do not know personally. Where, you may ask, is the danger in that?

The danger lies in the fact that we cannot really know what is going on in the lives of others unless we know them personally and show an interest in who they are and what they are doing. That requires some measure of vulnerability and courage to connect in real life, on a human level. Social media largely prevents us from really connecting and reinforces the often subconscious act of comparing our lives to others. That happens with social media, and in real life. Comparing our lives to those of others is a slippery slope that can leave us feeling either better than or less than others. It encourages us to “one up” or, sometimes, “one down” with others so that we feel in some way either better than or less than others. Either way, doing so is bad for our mental health.

When we “one up” or “one down” with others, what we are doing is encouraging feelings of insecurity to fester within us. The more secure we are in ourselves and our own lives, the less we will feel the need to engage in those “one up” or “one down” behaviors of comparison. The more secure we are in ourselves and our lives, the more we will come to realize that comparison is a futile act. There will always be someone who has more and there will always be someone who has less. The question is, can you be okay with what you have while working toward what you want?

When we engage in comparison, when we “one up” or “one down” with others, we lose the ability to evaluate our own lives accurately. We look at our lives through a lens that is cloudy. And that can leave us feeling insecure. When we “one up” with others, what we really are doing is saying, “I have to prove to myself and others that I am better than someone else.” The same is true when we “one down” with others. When we say we have it worse than others, we are saying that we cannot appreciate all we have and all we are. This sort of behavior rarely leaves us feeling empowered, and in fact, can leave us feeling as though we are never good enough, smart enough, rich enough, never enough of anything at all.

While most of us engage in comparison at some point, it may behoove us to remember that doing so really only robs us of the chance to be happy with who we are, what we are and what we have. Yes, someone may have it better than us. That does not have to mean that we are somehow less than. Yes, someone may have it worse than us. That does not mean we are somehow better than. We just are. We just are wonderfully made, perfectly imperfect humans and that is all we need to be. We do not need to be better than or worse than to prove anything to anyone. We can just be us.

Can you give yourself permission to free yourself from comparison? Can you give yourself permission to appreciate who and what and where you are in your life without the need to compare yourself and your life to others? Can you remind yourself that comparison is the thief of joy?

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

What happens when we “one up” or “one down” with others?

Is it time to spring clean your mind?

Karri Christiansen, MSW, LCSW, CADC, CCTP, , , , Leave a comment

For many people, spring can be a season of renewal. Many people approach this new season with hopes of spring cleaning their homes, decluttering and making their spaces tidy and comfortable to live in. But, can this also be a time to spring clean your mind?

What could it look, sound and feel like to do a little spring cleaning of the mind?

For starters, it could look like replacing some of your negative self-talk with positive self-talk. This could take the form of thought stopping, or literally saying “stop” when we notice ourselves going down the rabbit hole of negative self-talk or self-shaming talk. This also could mean practicing positive self-affirmations, whether that is in our minds or out loud so our brains can hear. Remember that your brain is listening to everything you say to yourself, all day, every day, so it is important to speak kindly to yourself.

Spring cleaning the mind also could mean ridding ourselves of all the negativity that we encounter on social media. Maybe that means whittling down your friends list to include only those people with whom you have a real connection, or cutting out those folks who engage in negativity. For some, that may mean a social media detox of anything from a few days to a few weeks, to a few months or even forever. For some people, a social media detox can mean setting a time limit for consumption, be it just a few minutes to an hour. Taking a break from social media can help us reset and regroup, and really think about who and what is important to us.

For some people, a spring cleaning of the mind can mean abandoning unrealistic or perfectionistic goals. Maybe this means rethinking what some of your goals are, really giving some thought to what is and what is not feasible given your current situation. Maybe that means giving some thought to what it is you really want to accomplish, and setting small goals along the way to that one big goal. This also can include some self-compassion, particularly if you found a goal to be impossible to reach at this stage in life.

A good mental spring cleaning also could mean letting go of the need to be everything and everywhere for people who either unwilling or unable to reciprocate. Maybe that means setting healthy boundaries with the people in your life. Maybe that means saying “no” to the things and people who no longer bring you joy. Setting boundaries is an act of self-love and is in no way selfish. Boundaries teach others how to respect us. This also could mean asking for help with caregiving, specific tasks or chores around the house or yard. Asking for help takes more courage than does suffering in silence.

Spring can be a time of renewal for many people. In addition to noticing flowers start to bloom, perhaps this can be a time to offer your mind a chance to bloom into healthy thoughts and actions. Letting go of unrealistic goals and expectations of and for yourself and others is a beautiful way to embrace the new season. Offering yourself a chance to really think about who and what is important in your life can make transitioning into this new season a time of real renewal. What might you be able to do to spring clean your mind?

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

Is it time to spring clean your mind?

Be careful of the stories you tell yourself

Karri Christiansen, MSW, LCSW, CADC, CCTP, , , , Leave a comment

We as humans are great at telling stories. Telling stories is one of the ways we share with other humans. We share stories to let others know who we are, where we come from, what our hopes and dreams are. We tell stories to connect with others. But what happens when we start telling ourselves stories?

Sometimes, we can tell ourselves great stories about where we’ve come from and where we’re headed. Those can be good stories, depending on how we shape our narratives. Other stories, though, can be rife with half-truths or complete malarkey. Many of us tell ourselves stories to avoid pain, to attempt to control a narrative, to give ourselves the illusion that we are in control of something we actually have little to no control over. These are the stories we might want to avoid.

Sometimes, we tell ourselves stories in an attempt to make ourselves feel better about a particular situation, or person, or event. We may believe these stories are true, but are they really? Do you have evidence to prove that your story is true? Or, are you filling in gaps of knowledge or information with something that may seem to make sense but isn’t backed up with evidence?

Sometimes, we tell ourselves stories to avoid having to change ourselves. This can happen when we place the blame for a situation or event on someone else. Doing so can leave us with a story in our heads that absolves us of the responsibility for someone else’s hurt feelings. And, yes, while we are not responsible for another person’s feelings, we can contribute to a person’s feelings. When we absolve ourselves of the responsibility for hurting someone emotionally, verbally, mentally or physically, and tell ourselves that we are not to blame when we, in fact, are to blame, we’re attempting to control a narrative that we just don’t like. Doing so can leave that other person even more hurt. Sometimes, what needs to happen is that we make an apology or change our behavior.

Sometimes, we tell ourselves stories that keep us stuck in a situation, like an abusive or unsatisfying, toxic, or dangerous relationship. We tell ourselves that no one else will love us, that we are unworthy of love, that we can’t leave. These stories can keep us stuck in something when we deserve better, which, in fact, we do.

We all tell ourselves stories. Some are good and some are not. When we fill in gaps of information or knowledge with stories without looking for evidence to support our stories, we run the risk of getting stuck in a narrative that likely is not helpful to ourselves or other people. Be wary of the stories you are telling yourself, and make sure you have evidence to support your stories.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

Be careful of the stories you tell yourself