Most of us have felt it, that tricky feeling that tells us we’re not good enough, we’re not smart enough, we’re not deserving of love, of belonging, of even having our basic needs met, of happiness. It’s shame and it’s one of those feelings that can leave us feeling depleted, defeated, and lead us to engage in all manner of self-sabotaging behaviors.

Shame is an insidious feeling. It eats away at us and leads us in a downward spiral that can feel nearly impossible to break free from. Merriam-Webster defines shame as “a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety, or a condition of humiliating disgrace or disrepute.” And while shame is a normal, human feeling, we ourselves often feed it with negative self-talk, perpetuating and intensifying the feeling.

When we feed shame, it tends to grow and can lead us down a path of self-sabotage. We feed the feeling of shame both by engaging in negative. often self-shaming self-talk and then also by behaving in ways that are, at best, not helpful. We feel badly about ourselves, for whatever reason, perhaps we made a mistake, and then add fuel to the fire by engaging in behaviors such as consuming alcohol or other drugs, eating unhealthy foods, spending too much on some retail therapy, engaging in risky sexual behavior. And thus, we perpetuate the shame and self-sabotage cycle. Because when we have engaged in these or other similar behaviors, we start the self-shaming, negative self-talk all over again. We end up in a vicious cycle.

So, how do we break the shame and self-sabotage cycle? First, we have to recognize the pattern that we have found ourselves in. Some people describe it as a negative spiral, a downward spiral, like an airplane falling out of the sky and the pilot needs to pull up the yoke before the plane crashes and burns. It can be challenging to even recognize that we are in a shame and self-sabotage cycle, particularly if we have been living in chaos for a long period of time. We become used to being comfortably uncomfortable. But, the thing is, we don’t have to live this way. We can break free of that cycle when we come to the realization that we deserve better and then demand better, not just of ourselves but of others.

Breaking the shame and self-sabotage cycle depends on offering ourselves kindness, grace and compassion. Shame cannot live in love. Shame will never help us think better, do better or feel better. Particularly if we are struggling with some heavy emotions or have made a mistake or have found ourselves in an untenable situation. We cannot shame ourselves into changing either the way we think or our behaviors.

We can, though, offer ourselves some grace, kindness and compassion by speaking to ourselves as we might a friend or loved one. We can break the shame and self-sabotage cycle by engaging in positive self-talk, by being our own best cheerleader and by giving ourselves grace for being human. We can break the shame and self-sabotage cycle by reminding ourselves that pretty much everyone on the planet makes mistakes, and that’s okay. That is part of being human. We can break the shame and self-sabotage cycle by reminding ourselves that we, as humans, are inherently worthy of love and belonging and happiness. We deserve these things simply because we exist. We do not have to earn love or belonging or happiness.

Breaking the shame and self-sabotage cycle also asks us to make better choices, because we deserve to make better choices that will benefit our minds and our bodies and our souls. If you have turned to alcohol or other drugs, or sex, or food, or shopping, or other risky behaviors in an effort to somehow numb the heavy feeling of shame, you more than likely will not only feel worse in the end, but you may end up with a separate problem that requires attention. Cutting back or cutting out the drinking, drugging, eating unhealthy foods, and overspending is a good way to get out of the shame and self-sabotage cycle. It’s okay to make healthy choices that will leave you feeling better about yourself, your life or your situation.

Many people have or will find themselves in a shame and self-sabotage cycle at some point in their lives. That is part and parcel of being human. But we cannot shame ourselves into thinking better, doing better or feeling better. We cannot numb ourselves out of this feeling by engaging in risky behaviors. We can, though, offer ourselves grace, kindness and compassion for being human, much as we might offer a friend or loved one.

Is it time for you to let go of shame and self-sabotaging behaviors? Is it time for you to let go of the negative self-talk that perpetuates the shame and self-sabotage cycle? Can you practice offering yourself grace, kindness and compassion? Can you speak to yourself with the love you might offer a friend or other loved one? You deserve love and belonging and happiness, just as any other human being does, simply because you exist. Try showing yourself that love; you might just feel better.

~ Karri Christansen, MSW, LCSW, CADC, CCTP