Today is the day we celebrate mothers, but for some people Mother’s Day can be extremely difficult. For those who have lost their mothers, those who had or have strained relationships with their mothers, those who yearn to be mothers but are not, this day can be hard to navigate.

When celebrating this day, it is important to remember that not everyone still has a living mother and that not every woman is a mother. Instead of saying, “Happy Mother’s Day” to every woman you meet, perhaps instead consider saying simply, “Enjoy your day.”

So many people I know already have lost their mothers and this day can be bittersweet. For those of us who have lost our mothers, try to remember the good times you shared with your mom.

For those who yearned to be mothers, but for reasons that are extremely personal, cannot be, this day can be very painful. Try to remember those who wished to become mothers with love and understanding. Those who are childless may have desperately wanted children and seeing you and your mother together today can be hard for these women.

Many children have had strained relationships with their mothers and celebrating on this day may not be an option. For some people, the relationship they have with their mother is complicated. Their relationships with their mothers may have been abusive, remember this when you offer your holiday greetings.

For those of you whose mothers still are living and with whom you have a good relationship, I hope you enjoy your day. Remember how lucky you are to be with your mother on this day and every day.

 

 

 

 

It is a sad but true fact of life that we will lose people we love. Grandparents, parents, spouses and friends will pass away. Their deaths will leave us feeling sad, empty, alone. We will grieve their losses for days, weeks, months, sometimes years.

Last week, I was working with two clients who recently had lost loved ones. One fellow lost his sister to suicide while a young lady found her father had died of a heart attack in the family home. Both losses are tragic and left my clients feeling raw sadness and profound grief. The young lady had found her father passed away after coming home from school one day just after Thanksgiving 2018. The fellow had lost his sister to suicide just days ago. Both were grieving. I encouraged each client to take time to navigate the grief process. There is no timetable on grief.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler believed there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. These stages are not linear and there is no time limit on how long each stage should be experienced. Those who have lost loved ones may move through one stage only to return to another time and again before finally coming to terms with their loved one’s death. Again, there is no time limit on the stages of grief.

The young lady who lost her father told me that her mother was encouraging her to move on from her father’s death, to accept that he is no longer with her. That may have been mom’s way of trying to help, but the young lady needed to grieve in her own time and in her own way. There is no right way to grieve. Grief is very personal and we should be allowed to grieve the way we need to and for however long is necessary.

If grief becomes so overwhelming that you cannot function, there is help available. If you need someone to talk to to help process your grief, there are people who are willing and who want to help. There also are exercises that may be helpful in processing your grief. One such exercise is to write a good-bye letter to your loved one. Doing so may help you say to your loved one things you did not get an opportunity to say in person. You can send the letter to heaven, if you believe in that, by tying it to a balloon and releasing it into the air.

When we lose loved ones, we likely will feel the gamut of emotions, everything from sadness to anger or even relief. We must give ourselves permission to feel and to grieve in our own time. There is no right way to grieve, nor is there a time limit on grief. Grieve in your own time.

Recently, I met with a client who, at the end our session, said she enjoyed our time together because I “give off good vibes.” I certainly was happy to hear that as I would hate to come off as judgemental or uncaring. I hope to come off as positive, thoughtful and understanding.

This got me to thinking about something I frequently say to myself and others. That is, “Think positive, be positive.” I frequently urge my clients to practice positive affirmations if their self-esteem is lagging. But what happens when we practice those positive affirmations and they actually make us feel worse? There comes a point when thinking positive can become toxic when we truly do not believe what we are saying to ourselves. Those positive affirmations can actually make us feel worse if we truly do not believe them. Perhaps there needs to be a middle ground between constantly thinking positive and accepting that not everything is going to go our way. There needs to be a, shall we say, happy medium.

It can be said that there is a silver lining in every cloud, but sometimes it takes more effort to see that glimmer of shining hope. And that is okay. Our minds cannot be positive in every situation, but as someone dear to me frequently says, something good usually comes out of something bad. The art of being positive lies not in believing that every situation is good, but in believing that we will be good regardless of the situation. That puts the power of remaining positive within us instead of the situation, which may in fact be bad. That means we believe in ourselves enough to know we can weather any storm.

We can admit to ourselves that a situation is not to our liking but know that regardless, we will come out victorious. Even if we fail in a situation, we can make a conscious effort to learn from our mistake or failure and come out of that situation victoriously. We still will have learned something about ourselves and how to proceed differently should that or a similar situation confront us again.

Being positive does not have to mean putting on our happy face every minute of every day. That simply is not realistic. Being positive means knowing that whatever we are confronted with, we will survive. And so far our survival rate is 100 percent. So far, we are doing pretty good. Perhaps staying positive means we have to cut ourselves a break from time to time.

Not every situation with which we are confronted is going to be good, but if we can remember that we can emerge from most situations as the victor, we can weather most storms. Certainly, some storms will knock us down. The power in positivity remains in knowing that even if we are knocked down, we can and will get up.

Today’s weather, a near-blizzard in early spring, reminds me this morning that nothing, not even anything in nature, is perfect. In early April, we Chicagoans expect the grass to be turning greener, flowers to be blooming, robins to be singing. The snow today reminds me not to expect anything, as expectation is the root of all heartache.

In remembering that nothing is perfect, I am reminded of a client with whom I was working yesterday who is constantly striving for perfection and admitted that doing so has left her perpetually feeling disappointed, depressed and anxious. She was telling me how she constantly is working to learn more, work more, do more for friends, family and home. She was telling me that striving to be perfect in everything she does has left her feeling drained and completely exhausted. I asked her what would happen if she were not perfect in all she does. Would she be any less deserving of love and belonging? She thought for a moment and then slowly shook her head “no.”

There is nothing wrong with striving to do your best at work and in your relationships, but no one should expect you to be perfect. Perfection is unattainable. Perfection is boring. We are not loved because we are perfect. We are loved because we are perfectly imperfect. It is our imperfections that make us human. No one is perfect, yet we so often expect ourselves to be perfect. We sometimes demand too much of ourselves. All we can do is out best, and that is enough.

In striving to do more, be more, to do everything perfectly, we set ourselves up for failure. We cannot be perfect in all we do. Striving for perfection is, in a way, a form of self-sabotage. Do those of us who strive for perfection think we will be more worthy if we attain the unattainable? What does it mean if we do not reach perfection? Can we learn to love ourselves even though we are not perfect? Can we accept ourselves as the wonderfully made, beautifully flawed creatures that we are?

I am not suggesting that we strive for mediocrity. Absolutely, try to do your best for you and for others, but remember that nothing in life is perfect. Doing more, working more, will not make you perfect. We were not born to be human doings, we were born to be human beings and human beings are not perfect. We never were meant to be.

What can yo do today to show yourself some love simply for being human, for being wonderful and flawed and still worthy of love and belonging? What would happen if you just loved yourself for simply being human?

I recently spoke with someone who said he is tired of feeling sick and tired all the time but did not know what to do to change his life. I suggested perhaps starting therapy and he said he did not want to have to drive very far to get help. I understand that. The last thing you want to do when getting out of bed is the most you are capable of is drive far to see a therapist.

However, if you want to change your life, you must take steps to change it. Change does not come for free, nor does it happen through wishful thinking. What are you willing to do to improve your own life? Are you ready to do the work of therapy to become the person you always were meant to be and live the life that you deserve?

I have said it before and will continue to say so: Recovery is work and it requires daily effort. In order for you to live your best life, you must be the thing that changes. More often than not, the things around you do not change. You must take steps to change yourself and your life. What are you prepared to do? What are you willing to do?

Recovery often involves more than simply talking to a therapist or counselor. Oftentimes, recovery means meeting with a primary care physician or psychiatrist to discuss how medication might be employed in your wellness plan. Perhaps you also need to change your diet and start incorporating physical activity into your recovery. Mental wellness and physical wellness are tied together. What are you willing to do to improve your life?

Many people who come to therapy think their therapist or counselor will give them the answers they seek. We can help you find the answers, but more often than not, the answers are inside you. Let’s work on finding those answers together. What can you do to help find the answers? Your life is entirely up to you but we can help you build the life you deserve. What are you willing to do?

If you are sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, there are steps you can take to feel better about yourself and your life. Reach out. There are people who are willing and able to help you. Take small steps to improve your diet. Speak with your doctor about starting an exercise program. And ask yourself: What am I willing to do to improve my own life?

 

In my work, I encounter many people living with depression, anxiety, substance use, eating disorders and trauma. So many of the people I have the pleasure of meeting struggle with feelings of sadness, worthlessness, anger and anxiety. What often keeps them stuck in those feelings is them holding on to things that have happened in the past.

I have met so many people who hold on to feelings of sadness and anger about things that happened yesterday, days ago, weeks ago, even years ago. More often than not, these are things that they no longer can do anything about. It is time to let those things go. Why hold onto something that happened so long ago unless there is something you can do about it today, now in this moment? Why let yesterday ruin your today?

When you allow the past to have control over your now, you give power to things over which you no longer have control. The only things you have control over now are those things that currently are happening. The only thing you have control over is the way you react to the things that are happening now. And you have the power to control how you react to things, people and situations that are happening right now. Why waste your time and emotional energy on something that happened in the past?

You have the power to own your now, to own your today. What can you do with your today to ensure your happiness? Can you let go of the things that happened yesterday, a week ago, a year ago, a decade ago? Can you focus your energy on creating for yourself the best today you can imagine? You deserve a life full of happiness, but you have to work toward creating that happiness. Holding onto something that happened yesterday will only keep you stuck in the feelings of yesterday. Feelings are temporary and situations can change in a heartbeat. Focus on what is happening now, in this moment, and own your today.

In my work, I meet a lot of children who have, for lack of better terms, become addicted to their devices, be they telephones, tablets or video games or televisions in their bedrooms. I recently met one young man who admitted to playing video games for five hours after school every day. His mother had become concerned because her son was playing video games instead of completing homework and now was falling behind in school.

I actually see this kind of thing quite often. I must confess, I am not a parent. However, it seems to me that many parents these days allow their children to use devices at ever younger ages. Whether that is good or bad, I am not sure. What does seem troublesome though, is the amount of time per day children are allowed to use these devices. I am seeing children being permitted to use these devices for hours upon hours per day. The use of telephones, tablets, video games and televisions can become addictions even in children. Parents, you have the right to limit the amount of time your children use these items. In fact, you should be doing so. No child should be using any of these sorts of devices for four or five hours per day.

What I see often in my work is parents who have allowed their children to use these devices for hours upon hours and now the child has become addicted to their use and the parent now is concerned. Once this happens, the parents try to take these devices away from the child and the child throws a tantrum, sometimes actually becoming violent toward the parents. This is unacceptable. Parents, you have the right to set boundaries with your children and to enforce time away from these devices. Chances are, you are paying for your child’s telephone or tablet, you have paid for the television in your child’s room and you have paid for your child’s video game console. You have every right to set time limits on their usage.

If you are having trouble setting limits and boundaries with your children, perhaps it is time to consider parenting skills classes. You must remember that you are the adult in the parent-child relationship and your child will come to respect you more if you are consistent in enforcing time limits and boundaries with them when it comes to the devices they use.

In my line of work, I often encourage people to think positively, to find the good in situations, to say “yes” to new adventures. I also sometimes must remind myself and my patients that is is perfectly okay to say “no” to things as well.

Saying “no” to things that we no longer enjoy, to people who cause us tremendous amounts of stress, to situations that put us in danger means we are setting healthy boundaries. We have every right to limit our time with people who tax us, to situations that endanger us and to things that no longer bring us joy.

Setting boundaries is a way to practice self-care. Sometimes setting boundaries means telling people we cannot accommodate their requests or perform favors for them. Sometimes setting boundaries means limiting the time we spend with people who tax us emotionally. We do not have to spend undue amounts of time with emotional vampires. We have the right to say “no.”

Saying “no” means standing up for yourself but doing so can feel as though we are hurting another person’s feelings. What we must remember is that we are responsible for our own feelings, not others’ feelings. We cannot control how others respond to our setting boundaries. We can only remember that we have the right to do so.

Saying “no” sometimes takes practice, particularly if we tend to be people pleasers. However, the more we say “no” to the things and people who no longer bring us joy, the easier it will be set healthy boundaries. And the more we set healthy boundaries, the better our mental health becomes. You are under no obligation to say “yes” to everything and everyone. You have the right to say “no” without apology.

This past week, I had the pleasure of working with two women struggling with anorexia and the terrifying thoughts of gaining weight and being fat. Both women were restricting their caloric intake,  one by limiting her intake primarily to alcohol and the other by not eating or drinking anything at all for the past three weeks. I felt for both women as they struggled with their illness.

What so many people do not understand about eating disorders is that anorexia, bulimia and even binge eating disorder are not always about food. These illnesses often are about control and feeling worthy of love and belonging. Anorexia may begin as a diet, a way to control one’s weight but devolves into issues of control over one’s life.

Some 30 million Americans, including 10 million men, struggle with eating disorders. For so many people, these illnesses take over one’s life, these illnesses become them and people can struggle for years, even decades, with these illnesses. Some people live with anorexia, bulimia and binge eating disorder for so long, they truly cannot remember how to live without their eating disorder. They do not remember what they were like before food took over their lives. The eating disorder becomes them.

So often, though, the eating disorder becomes less about food and more about control. Eating anything for those struggling with anorexia can feel like losing control. Some area of their lives feels out of control and it feels as though the only way to gain control is to limit food intake and they become good at it. People living with anorexia often are perfectionists and become perfect at counting calories and losing weight. People living with anorexia or bulimia often feel as though they do not deserve to eat anything unless they have exercised for hours beforehand and plan to exercise for hours after consuming even scant amounts of food. People living with anorexia often feel as though they do not deserve to nourish their bodies, much less their hearts and souls because of messages they have received, because of repeated rejection by people they love and hope to love them in return. These eating disorders become less about the food and more about feelings of worthiness. People living with these eating disorders often feel they are not worthy of love, even love given to themselves. Eating disorders often are about shame and self-loathing.

Trying to maneuver one’s way out of an eating disorder takes time and effort and is terribly frightening. Recovery can feel like losing control over the one thing—food—one thought one had control over. Recovery actually is about recognizing the fact that you are worthy of love and belonging. Recovery is actually about recognizing the fact that you deserve your own love and once you begin to love yourself, everything else falls into place.

Recovery from eating disorders means taking back your control, taking back your power. For months, years, decades you have given food your power. Now is the time to take back that power. Recovery from eating disorders means loving yourself enough to nourish your body and soul. Do you not deserve to nourish yourself? Do you not deserve the love you likely freely give others? Do you not deserve a life that is both healthy and happy?

 

 

 

 

I recently had the pleasure of speaking with a young man who voiced frustration with what he perceived as a lack of effort by his mental health providers in helping him find his way to wellness. This fellow lives with mental illness and substance use disorder and was not finding the relief he seemed to want. The patient said that his providers were not giving him the answers to his problems. He wanted the providers to make him better.

To some extent, it is partially my job as a mental health professional to help make the people who come to me better. I hope to provide my patients with the tools they need to find their way from mental illness to mental wellness. Unfortunately, I do not have a magic want to make all my patients’ troubles disappear. There is no magic pill to make my patients suddenly better. Recovery takes time and effort and persistence. The fellow I met recently stated that the would leave his provider if progress were not made rapidly enough. What he failed to understand is that while as provider, I can help make you better, it takes effort on behalf of the patient to actually get better.

People living with mental illness, substance use, trauma and eating disorders just want to feel better. No one wants to live in the fog of depression, the fear of anxiety. No one wants to live with the albatross of substance use hanging around his neck. No one truly wants to be plagued with an eating disorder. These illnesses are exhausting and often debilitating. Finding your way out of these illnesses takes work, it takes commitment. We as mental health professionals can give you tools and resources to help find your way out of illness, but you as the patient actually have to put in the work to get there and stay there. We cannot do the work for you, and that is what this young man wanted me to do. I wish it were that easy.

Finding your way out of mental illness and substance use requires change, but changing your therapist or counselor every time the work of recovery becomes difficult will not make the process any easier. What so many people living with mental illness and substance use do not like to hear is that the change you likely are seeking starts and continues with you. You can change your surroundings, you can move, change jobs, change your friends, but if you do not change yourself and change your thinking, nothing really changes. You are the thing that has to change. And changing yourself does not come without effort, often repeated daily even once you find recovery.

Recovery is work. It does not come from wishful thinking. Recovery does not come from just wanting to be well. Recovery comes after taking the steps necessary to change yourself and your own life. Recovery takes daily effort, often with the help of a therapist or counselor and psychiatrist. Recovery takes time. It is not just about wanting to be well, it is about what you are willing to do to get well and stay well. How can you work with your treatment provider to find your way to wellness? What are you willing to change about yourself to find your way out of the darkness and into the light of being healthy?