In recent months, I have worked with several people who seem to struggle with the very idea of being kind to themselves. I have had discussions that have been close to arguments with people about the concept of self-compassion, what that means and when to apply it. Why is the idea of self-compassion so difficult for some people to grasp?

It seems as though part of the problem with understanding the idea of self-compassion is that some people seem to equate it with being lazy (I hate that word) or with letting themselves off the hook for real or perceived transgressions. This, to me, begs the question of whether it is possible to be both kind to ourselves and to hold ourselves accountable at the same time. Self-compassion can be likened to speaking kindly to ourselves, offering ourselves the same grace and compassion we might a family member or friend when a mistake or error is made. For some, though, the idea of doing so seems so foreign that it is nearly impossible to understand.

Kristen Neff, PhD, author of the book “Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself” defines self-compassion as “being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain and flagellating ourselves with self-criticism.” In other words, self-compassion does not sound like self-shaming or berating ourselves for making a mistake. We all mistakes. That’s what makes us human.

Some people have argued with me that offering ourselves self-compassion for any real or perceived missteps on any sort of regular basis will leave us with narcissistic tendencies or inflated self-esteem or inflated egos. Likely more than not, what will happen is that we find when we are better able to practice self-compassion, we will be better able to offer others compassion, as well.

Offering ourselves and others compassion does not mean that we let ourselves off the hook for making an error. It means that we accept the fact that making mistakes is part of the human experience. We can lament our mistakes and beat ourselves up for being human, or we can choose to learn from our mistakes, apply those lessons in the future and move on. We cannot nor should not fault ourselves for being human.

For some, though, this concept seems difficult to grasp. Some people seem to believe that engaging in negative self-talk and self-flagellation is the only way to learn from our mistakes. I beg to differ. Engaging in self-shaming, negative self-talk rarely moves us toward feeling better about ourselves and rarely serves as motivation to do better. We cannot shame ourselves into self-compassion or self-love. We can, though, speak kindly to ourselves and vow to do better in the future. Growth does not stem from negativity.

So, what does self-compassion sound like? It sounds like the same caring responses we might offer a friend or family member who has made a mistake or error. It sounds like, “Hey, you’re doing the best you can with what you have right now.” It sounds like, “Making a mistake does not usually mean the end of the world. What lesson can you glean from this?” It sounds like, “You know, we all make mistakes. That’s part of the human experience.”

Practicing self-compassion more likely than not will not end up in us becoming narcissists or lazy or what have you. Practicing self-compassion likely will leave you feeling better about the possibilities of learning from your mistakes, applying those lessons moving forward and offering compassion to others when they make mistakes. We all are human beings, doing the best we can with what we have right now. We all make mistakes. We can choose to learn from them and move on, or we can choose to beat ourselves up for being human and feel badly about ourselves. The choice is yours.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

I have found myself recently wondering why it seems so daunting for some people to ask for help, of any kind. What is it that makes asking for help seem so frightening? There are many reasons behind why some people find asking for help so uncomfortable.

One of the reasons some people may find it challenging to ask for help is that they do not want to be perceived as weak. When we assume that whomever we are asking for assistance will see us as weak, however, we may be coming from a place of shame. Perhaps asking for help was frowned upon when you were a child. Perhaps you were told at some point that the only way to learn something was to go it alone. Perhaps you internalized a message that taught you that asking for help meant that you were stupid or unworthy. These sorts of messages can leave us feeling as though asking for help, of any kind, is bad or wrong. It may be helpful to remember that none of us can get through life without asking for help at some point. Asking for help does not mean that we are weak, bad, stupid or even codependent. We as humans are interdependent. We rely on others to get through life, and that is okay.

Another reason we may shy away from asking for help is because doing so leaves us feeling vulnerable. That feeling of being vulnerable for many can be uncomfortable and even a tad painful for some. Brene Brown reminds us, though, that vulnerability is our most accurate measure of courage. It takes more courage to ask for help than it does to suffer in silence. Asking for help is a sign of strength.

Another reason some people may be hesitant to ask for help is because they fear rejection. None of us likes feeling rejected; it hurts. One way to lessen the chance that our seeking help will be met with rejection is to be clear about what we need and what we need to meet that need. It is okay to use statements such as “I feel X when Y happens and what I need in this moment is Z.” When we are clear about what we need and how we would like that need met, it can be easier for those from whom we are seeking help to meet that need.

Asking for help is not always easy. It may be helpful to remember that while seeking assistance can feel daunting, doing so may actually be less painful than suffering alone. We as humans are wired for connection. We need others to navigate the sometimes troubling waters of life. Remembering that none of us is expected to get through life without assistance may help us feel better about asking for help.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

I find myself frequently thinking about boundaries, not just in my professional life, but in my personal life, as well. I am reminded that boundaries are needed to help others learn how to respect us. The question is, though, how do we set and enforce boundaries, particularly in toxic relationships?

In the past several weeks, I have encountered several people who have found themselves in toxic relationships and are noticing how challenging it can be to set and enforce boundaries. It can be difficult to set boundaries with people in our lives because we do not want to step on anyone’s toes or hurt their feelings. I understand that. However, boundaries often are needed in relationships, particularly those that have become toxic, so that the people with whom we are having a relationship can better understand just what we will and will not tolerate in terms of behavior. Setting and enforcing boundaries is crucial if we want to teach others how to respect us, our time, our energy and our love.

Setting boundaries with people, toxic or not, does not mean that we do not care for those people. On the contrary, doing so shows others how much we care for them and for ourselves. If we do not set and enforce boundaries, we may run the risk of inviting people to disrespect not just our feelings but our values. But how do we set boundaries?

4 tips to set boundaries and maintain them with toxic people

• Know your limits. What are you willing to tolerate?
• Communicate boundaries clearly and assertively.
• Don’t make excuses for others’ behavior.
• Be willing to walk away from the relationship.

It may feel awkward at first setting boundaries with those people about whom we care. It may be helpful to remember that those who seem unable or unwilling to respect our boundaries may not be our people. If you try and try again to enforce boundaries, and those boundaries are ignored or pushed, it may be time to re-evaluate that relationship. Is it time to end the relationship? And if so, what steps are you willing to consider to keep that person out of your life. It may seem as though you are not to the point of deleting that person’s number from your phone, blocking that person or unfollowing that person on social media. Perhaps that is exactly what is needed.

Ending a relationship with someone who does not respect your boundaries, your values or your feelings may leave you feeling some measure of grief. You may find yourself grieving the loss of the relationship and/or the loss of what that relationship could have been. Try to remember to be kind and gentle with yourself as you move through that grief. Try to remember that your feelings, needs, values, hopes, wants and desires are just as valid as anyone else’s. Try to remember that you are worthy of love and belonging simply because you are human. Try to remember that although the relationship you are grieving did not work out, that does not mean you are unworthy of a healthy relationship.

When considering a new relationship, be it platonic or romantic, try to remember that it is acceptable to make your boundaries known at the start of the relationship so that whomever you are becoming involved with knows exactly what you are willing to tolerate and what you will not.

Setting and enforcing boundaries is an important step in any relationship, but particularly those that have become toxic. We all deserve to be in healthy relationships, be they platonic or romantic. Offering excuses for the person who is disrespecting you invites more poor behavior and can leave you feeling badly about the relationship and about yourself. Putting boundaries in place shows others that you respect yourself enough to state clearly what is and what is not acceptable. Are there people in your life with whom you need to set boundaries? What steps might you be willing to take to put those boundaries in place?

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

Ask most experts, including U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy, and you will discover that we are in the midst of a loneliness epidemic. Many of us feel lonely from time to time and many of us have felt even more lonely since the start of the COVID-19 pandemic when so many of us were sequestered in our homes, away from family and friends. But what breeds loneliness and how can we combat this often painful feeling?

Experts tell us that one of the things adding to our feelings of loneliness and disconnection is our use of social media. Yes, social media can offer us a quick way to catch up with people we care about but it also can leave us feeling even lonelier, more disconnected and more dissatisfied with our lives. What often happens to some folks who find themselves scrolling social media for any length of time is social comparison, which is comparing our lives to what often is the highlight reels of those who post on social media. When we engage in social comparison, we may start to feel as though our lives are not as fun, exciting or happy as others’ lives. This may leave us feeling lonely, sad and disconnected.

Social media can be a fun and even useful way for us to stay in some way connected to people with whom we might not otherwise engage, but what would happen if instead of scrolling for what for some can turn into hours at a time, we actually reached out to those we follow on social media? Instead of liking or commenting on a friend or family member’s post, perhaps consider calling, texting or video chatting with that person. Perhaps consider scheduling a get-together with people, something that happens live, in real life. And then make that get-together a device-free outing.

One of the things adding to our feelings of loneliness and disconnection stems from sitting next to someone in real life, with one or both of you with your heads down, buried deep in your phone or tablet, voraciously consuming social media. If you want to feel connected to whomever it is you are with, put your device away, turn to your people, make eye contact and engage in conversation. Social media will be there later.

Social media has become such a pervasive part of our lives. Many of us use some platform and many of us turn to social media when we feel bored, lonely or disconnected. Remember that it still is acceptable to reach out to those we care about and engage them in actual conversation. We can still use our cell phones to make phone calls. Remember, too, that social media can leave us feeling even more disconnected, so it is okay to limit your use to an hour or less per day. Some people find it helpful to set a timer for 15 or 20 minutes and then get off whatever platforms that are being used.

It also may be helpful to really think about who you may be following on social media. If you frequently find yourself engaging in social comparison with a particular person or group of people, consider unfollowing or blocking that person or group. It also may be helpful to leave positive comments for those you do want to engage with rather than simply using an emoji to react. Remember, though, that comments should be positive or helpful, rather than negative. There already is so much negativity on social media, it is important to distance yourself from that if you want to see improvements in your mental health.

Social media can be a useful tool to stay in some way connected to those you care about, yes. If you find yourself spending time on social media that leaves you feeling more disconnected, lonelier and badly about yourself and your own life, it may be time to rethink not just how much time you spend on social media, but who you follow, how you engage and what platfoms you are using.

If you really want to combat feelings of loneliness, reach out to trusted others, be they family or friends, and schedule a time to meet in person or via video chat. Remember that these gatherings can and should be device free if you really want to connect. Feeling lonely can leave us with sadness and depression, as well as anxiety. Remember that even in this age of social media, there is nothing wrong with actual, live human-to-human contact. Social media can wait.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

At the risk of stating what to many likely seems obvious, getting older is not easy. Aging is hard, regardless of what your age is. Many of us live in a society where aging leaves us feeling more and more left behind, left out or even invisible. This seems particularly true in the United States, where our elderly often are regarded with some measure of disdain. So, how do embrace aging, as it is, after all, inevitable.

In the United States and elsewhere, both men and women are often bombarded with images and advertising urging us to use “anti-aging” this, that or the other thing. We are encouraged to fight wrinkles and cover up graying hair. We are told that once we reach a certain age, we likely will lose our vitality and be more prone to illness and injury. We are told that we cannot keep up with technology and we sometimes may feel as though the world is moving so fast, we truly cannot keep the pace. But there are steps we can take to embrace our advancing years, regardless of whether we are turning 30, 40, 50, 60, 70 or older.

One of the things we can do to embrace our age is to remember and be thankful for all our bodies continue to allow us to do. Yes, we may no longer be able to run or walk as fast or as far as we used to or shoot hoops with the young folks at the gym without getting winded, but that does not mean we have to give up physical activities or our favorite sports. Be grateful for what you can still do and embrace the possibility of considering different kinds of movement. Perhaps we may not be able to run marathons as we enter a new decade but perhaps we can run half-marathons, 10ks or 5ks. The point is to keep moving. Maybe that means more gentle movement such as yoga or tai chi or walking. Regardless of what activity or sport you enjoy, remember that it is okay to be thankful that your body continues to allow you to move, even if perhaps that movement is different now.

Aging gracefully also means that we can and should be kind and compassionate with ourselves and others as we may find ourselves entering new phases of our lives. Can you be patient with yourself as you navigate what seems like ever-changing technology? Would it be helpful to take a class about computers or cell phones so that you can keep up with the younger folks in your life? Perhaps a friend or family member may be willing to show you around your cell phone so that you can keep up with family and friends via text and video chats. Perhaps you could find a tutorial about how to use the webcam on your computer so that you can Skype or FaceTime with your friends and family. The more we give ourselves permission to seek assistance with ever-changing technology, the less we may feel left behind or left out.

As we age, we may notice relationships changing or that our friends and family are either moving or perhaps dying. It is particularly important as we age to maintain not just our romantic relationships, but our platonic relationships, as well. That may mean reaching out to friends more often and scheduling get-togethers with those who are important to us. We are in an epidemic of loneliness as some may find that the older we get, the more isolated we feel. That may mean finding new and creative ways to forge new connections. Maybe that means joining a book club or gardening club. Maybe that means volunteering for a cause you find important. Maybe that means tutoring younger folks or teaching driver’s ed. Whatever you do, remember that we are wired for connection and our relationships, be they romantic or platonic, need tending to even more so as we age.

For some of us, aging means coming to terms with our changing appearance. We may start to feel as though our appearance is not what it once was and that can leave us feeling anything from sadness and grief to shame and fear. Some of us may feel that our bodies have somehow betrayed us as we notice our mid-sections expanding and our muscle tone changing. Some of us may notice more wrinkles and gray hair as we age. These are not signs that our bodies are failing us. These are signs that we are in the midst of change. And change does not have to be viewed with fear or sadness. There is beauty to be found in all faces and bodies. Perhaps it may be helpful to focus on those parts of you that you do find beautiful. Perhaps it may be helpful to eschew society’s definition of beauty and embrace your own unique beauty. And, again, try practicing self-compassion when you look in the mirror. Our bodies at 50, 60, 70 or older may not look the way they did at 20, 30 or 40. That does not mean we are not beautiful. It just means we are entering a new phase of our life.

We can choose to embrace aging as a natural, normal part of life by practicing gratitude for our changing faces and bodies, being thankful for what we still are able to do. We can embrace aging by seeking assistance with technology so that we can better keep up with life, our family and friends. We can embrace aging by tending to both our romantic and platonic relationships. We can embrace aging by practicing self-kindness and self-compassion, and by extending that same kindness and compassion to those around us.

Aging is not easy. It does not matter if you are in your third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh decade or beyond. What can you do to age with grace? What steps are you willing to take to feel your best as you age? Aging with grace is possible, if we only give ourselves permission to do so.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

I recently met with someone at work who was left feeling angry after being threatened with a punishment for a mistake that to him seemed unfair. After working through some of his feelings, it dawned on me that underneath that protecting feeling of anger was a more uncomfortable feeling of powerlessness. Many of us feel powerless from time to time for a variety of reasons. The question is, how do we get our power back?

So many things in life can leave us feeling powerless. That feeling can leave us feeling without strength or resources or as though we lack the authority or autonomy to act on our own behalf. Powerlessness can feel akin to helplessness, although is different in subtle ways. Feeling helpless can mean that we are out of control and unable to maintain some sense of control. Feelings of powerlessness can result in angry outbursts, tears, feeling overwhelmed with stress or anxiety and can lead to panic attacks or depression.

Those feelings of powerlessness can stem from trauma, feeling as though we have been wronged or feeling as though a situation is unjust. Feelings of powerlessness can also stem from feeling as though we haven’t the ability to manage our future or destiny. We can regain our sense of power by remembering situations that left us feeling powerful and by tapping into what was happening at that time.

When we remember who we are and all our wonderful talents, skills and abilities, we are better able to regain a feeling of being powerful and strong. We all have been bestowed with unique talents, skills and abilities that help us manage not just our day-to-day stressors but those that come along and seem to knock us off our feet. Perhaps you have encountered a series of obstacles professionally, personally or perhaps both. What skills do you have to navigate those obstacles? Do you consider those obstacles road blocks or speed bumps that if you go over gently, will leave little damage?

Feelings of powerlessness can make it more challenging to remember all we have overcome in the past. If we give ourselves permission to pause and think about how we may have navigated a similarly challenging situation in the past, we may feel more confident to manage that current stressful situation and thus feel more empowered.

One of the ways we can boost our feelings of power is to practice positive self-talk and positive self-affirmations. When we are faced with stressful situations or speed bumps in our lives, we may find that we start going downhill in a spiral of negative self-talk and we may let our nasty inner critic take over. If we pause and remember our talents, skills and abilities and speak to ourselves kindly, we may find ourselves feeling more powerful and able to handle whatever comes our way. Yes, some things may be outside of our control and coming to a place of acceptance is an important part of regaining our sense of control. Think about what you do have control over and take steps to do what you can to navigate the situation.

Another way we can combat feelings of powerlessness is to practice good self-care. Navigating stressful situations can feel exponentially more difficult if we have not taken the time to care for ourselves in healthy ways. If you are facing health concerns that are outside of your control, perhaps consider healthy ways of taking care of yourself that feel good to you. If you are facing a stressful situation at work, consider taking a short break to walk outside if that is available to you. If your personal life feels overwhelming, perhaps consider connecting with trusted others on whom you can rely emotionally.

I suspect many of us feel powerless from time to time. The trick to regain a sense of power is to remember your talents, skills and abilities, practicing positive self-talk and positive self-affirmations and to make sure you are practicing healthy self-care. It is important when we are feeling powerless to remember times when we faced similar situations in the past and how we managed to get through them. What unique abilities do you have that you can tap into to feel more empowered? What skills do you have that set you apart? How can you best take care of yourself so that you are better able to manage stressful situations?

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

Recently in both my personal life and my professional life, I have been confronted with adversity. I suspect I am not alone in this. It often seems as though not-so-great news comes to us in waves and can sometimes feel as though we are about to be knocked over and drawn deep into the ocean. The thing about adversity is that we can choose to let it drown us or we can choose to move with the waves and see where the waters will take us.

It may seem to some when we are faced with adversity, challenges or come upon what appears to be a string of bad news that we haven’t the strength to endure, to power through or grit. The thing about adversity is, it sometimes is a temporary condition. If we can give ourselves permission to see ourselves through adversity, we may just well come out stronger on the other side. If we fight the waves, we likely will be pulled under the water. If we move with them, we can find our way back to shore safely.

How we respond to adversity matters. We can choose to throw up our hands and scream, “I give up!” Or, we can choose to ask ourselves how we can best manage what can sometimes feel like a never-ending barrage of bad news. As Angela Duckworth says, we have to know when to quit and when to grit. But, how do we determine when to throw in the towel and when to use that towel to wipe the sweat off our faces and move on?

Of course, this depends on what it is that you are confronted with. Recently, I and several members of my family have received fairly bad news about our health. How we choose to respond to that news can mean either we give up and let nature take its course or we can choose to consult with medical professionals and learn to manage our symptoms. I, personally, choose the latter as I hope to live a very long life. It matters how we choose to respond to challenging news, events or situations. Doing so may require that we pause and really think about how we want to respond to said news, event or challenge. We can choose to view these things as an ending point or a starting point. What does that mean? Well, it means we can choose to view adversity as something insurmountable or we can choose to view it as part of a larger story, part of our unique story. Perhaps adversity means the ending of one chapter of our story and the start of a whole new chapter, showing us how strong we can be in the face of adversity.

Of course, some news is worse than other news. Receiving a diagnosis of Stage 4 cancer or something that cannot be cured, fixed with surgery or managed with physical therapy, can leave us with the feeling as though we are drowning in very rough seas with no hope of rescue. This can be very frightening and leave us feeling anxious, stressed and overwhelmed. It is okay to ask for help with such news, be that from a family member, friend, doctor or mental health professional. We can navigate adversity by reaching out for assistance when needed. Sometimes managing adversity means recognizing that it is okay to ask for help and knowing that we are not alone.

Most of us at some point will find ourselves in troubled waters. That is part of life. None of us has it easy all of the time. Most of us struggle. Most of us will be faced with challenges. Most of us will face adversity. What matters is how we respond to it. Yes, some news can feel catastrophic and, sadly, some news actually is catastrophic. Sometimes it may seem that every time we turn around, we receive more bad news, be it about our health or that of a loved one, be it about our jobs, our housing or what have you. We can choose to let those troubled waters drown us or we can ride the waves and find our way back to shore. That may mean reaching out for help. That may mean asking someone for a life jacket. That is okay. It takes more courage to ask for help than it does to suffer in silence.

Life, as it turns out, is rarely always easy. We can choose to quit or we can choose to grit. Depending on the circumstances and what tools you have in your tool belt, it may be better to grit than to quit. The choice is yours. How would you like to choose how to face adversity? What might you do to manage the challenges that life throws at you? What steps can you take to navigate troubled waters?

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

Life can be tricky. We want to do our best at work and also make time to socialize and to practice self-care and to take care of those we love. Sometimes, finding a way to manage all these things can feel nearly impossible or overwhelming. Life requires us to create some measure of balance when we notice we are feeling overwhelmed by all the things.

That begs the question of what is balance? What does that even mean in a go-go-go society where it seems things never slow down? Balance means, of course, different things to different people. For some it means equal parts work, socializing, taking care of things around the house and practicing self-care. For others balance may mean taking care of loved ones, working, making time to take care of physical and mental health. We all have different priorities so balance means different things for different people.

We may notice that we feel out of balance when we are spending more time taking care of work or caring for family and friends more so than we are taking care of ourselves. Those feelings can lead to compassion fatigue or feeling burned out. Perhaps that should be taken as a sign that some attention needs to be paid to the ranking of your priorities. Perhaps that means your life is imbalanced.

When it feels as though our lives have become imbalanced, attention must be paid to where we are directing our physical, mental and emotional energies. We do not find balance; we create balance. Perhaps that means eking out a little more time to practice self-care or cutting back on socializing. Perhaps that means the opposite. If you find you are neglecting things that have to get done, such as paying bills, practicing house hygiene or completing tasks for work, perhaps that means more energy could be directed toward those things.

We need balance in our lives so that we do not feel off-kilter. When it starts to feel that our lives are out of hand, that our lives have somehow become unmanageable, it may be time to take a look at our to-do lists, our priorities list and re-evaluate what is most important to us. Naturally, practicing self-care is important but doing so should be in balance with our other priorities and with taking care of those we love.

When you think of balance, what comes up for you? Is there an area or two of your life that seems out of balance? Do you need to redirect your attention to something that needs taken care of? Is it time to re-evaluate your priorities? Balance is not something that happens to us; it is something we create for ourselves.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

The other night at dinner with my husband something struck me and got me thinking about balance and what that means not just in my own life but in the grand scheme of things. It seems of late that society has become so consumed with “me” that we have lost sight of the fact that life is really about “we.”

What does that mean? And how do we balance “me” against “we?” First, let me share what got me thinking about all of this. At dinner, I spied a family across the room consisting of what appeared to be mother, father, grandparents and a young child of about three or four years old. The child was seated in a high chair fully attached to headphones and some kind of tablet device with a show or movie playing. The child was there with the family but not engaging or listening to or even looking at the rest of the family. Perhaps that does not seem all that peculiar in today’s society, but left me wondering about the state of society.

With the proliferation of social media, including Instagram and TikTok and Twitter, has society lost it’s balance and become more of a “me” society and less of a “we” society? Have we become more focused on ourselves to the detriment of considering others? This led me thinking even further about our need for validation and how that affects others around us.

Yes, it is important for us to have our needs, wants, desires and feelings validated. But do we seek this out without considering the needs, wants, desires and feelings of others? I am hoping not, but seeing more and more that some of us are less concerned with the “we” than we are about the “me.”

How do we find some balance between making sure our needs are met, our feelings are validated and making sure we are contributing to the physical and mental well-being of those we care about, and society at large? Life is not always about us, is it? Sometimes, we have to take into consideration the needs, wants, desires and feelings of other people. Life cannot be, nor should be, always about me.

We find balance between the important focus on “me” and the equally important focus on “we” by being cognizant not just of our feelings but in considering the feelings of others. We find balance in the important focus on “me” by being aware that what we say, what we do, how we behave does actually affect other people. It is okay to practice decorum in public. It is okay to practice good manners while out and about, be it when we are using our phones, or in a restaurant, or at the gym. We seem to have strayed from this as society becomes ever more focused on “me” thanks in large part to social media.

Yes, it is important for us to focus on the self. That does not mean we focus exclusively on ourselves. Focus on ourselves should not always mean “Me, first. ” It should mean “Me, too.” That is true not just when we consider self-care but when we are in the presence of other people. Yes, of course, our needs, wants, desires and feelings matter. But not to the exception of others.

I encourage all of us to really think about the direction in which society is moving and really think about how what we say, what we do and how we behave affects those around us. While it is important to make sure our needs, wants, desires and feelings are validated, it is equally important to make sure those of the people around us are, as well.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

I have been thinking a lot about self-compassion and how that relates to us holding ourselves accountable. Is it possible to both practice self-compassion and hold ourselves accountable for our thoughts and behaviors at the same time?

One of the reasons I have been spending so much time thinking about this is because of struggles I and those I love have endured in recent months. Health concerns have made it more challenging for me to exercise and engage in other activities I enjoy as much as I would like. How can I practice self-compassion for the health concerns I am facing while at the same time hold myself accountable to my values and goals?

It may seem to some that practicing self-compassion, which is an essential part of practicing self-love, and holding ourselves accountable for what we say and do are somehow diametrically opposed. Self-compassion, though, does not always mean letting ourselves off the hook for, say, a missed workout or a night of eating indulgent food. Self-compassion means we speak to ourselves kindly and remind ourselves that we are doing the best we can with what we have right now. Practicing self-compassion does not mean we do not hold ourselves accountable for what we say or do. We can do both at the same time.

I often think of how challenging it can be for some of us to practice self-compassion for missing a workout, eating indulgent foods, perhaps engaging in a little too much retail therapy and how that affects us being accountable for our actions. I, for one, sometimes have difficulty being compassionate with myself for a missed workout. When I do, I try to remember that sometimes our bodies dictate when it is time to take a rest day. It is perfectly acceptable to listen to our bodies and rest when we truly need to. It also is acceptable, and to some degree necessary, to hold ourselves accountable to our values of health and fitness by returning to exercise as soon as our bodies are ready. That is how we can practice both self-compassion and hold ourselves accountable at the same time.

If we constantly look for excuses to eat those indulgent foods, practice retail therapy to somehow self-soothe our negative emotions, if we repeatedly give ourselves permission to skip one workout and then the next and then the next, we may not be holding ourselves accountable to our values of health, financial security or fitness. Giving ourselves permission to indulge from time to time can be an act of self-compassion, while doing so repeatedly keeps us from holding ourselves accountable. There must be a way to strike a balance between the two.

We find that balance by staying true to our values. What is it that you value most in your life? Is it health? Fitness? Financial security? The ability to travel? Time with friends and family? It is okay to practice self-compassion by reminding ourselves that we need rest, we do sometimes deserve a treat, we need to clothe our bodies, and we need to nourish ourselves with food while also making healthy choices. That is how we hold ourselves accountable.

When we fail to hold ourselves accountable for what we say or what we do, for what choices we have made and are making, we squander the gift of self-love. We get to self-love by balancing self-compassion with holding ourselves accountable. Are there steps you might be able to take to stay true to your values, hold yourself accountable and also practice self-compassion? Can you strike some balance in your life?

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP