I recently met with someone at work who was left feeling angry after being threatened with a punishment for a mistake that to him seemed unfair. After working through some of his feelings, it dawned on me that underneath that protecting feeling of anger was a more uncomfortable feeling of powerlessness. Many of us feel powerless from time to time for a variety of reasons. The question is, how do we get our power back?

So many things in life can leave us feeling powerless. That feeling can leave us feeling without strength or resources or as though we lack the authority or autonomy to act on our own behalf. Powerlessness can feel akin to helplessness, although is different in subtle ways. Feeling helpless can mean that we are out of control and unable to maintain some sense of control. Feelings of powerlessness can result in angry outbursts, tears, feeling overwhelmed with stress or anxiety and can lead to panic attacks or depression.

Those feelings of powerlessness can stem from trauma, feeling as though we have been wronged or feeling as though a situation is unjust. Feelings of powerlessness can also stem from feeling as though we haven’t the ability to manage our future or destiny. We can regain our sense of power by remembering situations that left us feeling powerful and by tapping into what was happening at that time.

When we remember who we are and all our wonderful talents, skills and abilities, we are better able to regain a feeling of being powerful and strong. We all have been bestowed with unique talents, skills and abilities that help us manage not just our day-to-day stressors but those that come along and seem to knock us off our feet. Perhaps you have encountered a series of obstacles professionally, personally or perhaps both. What skills do you have to navigate those obstacles? Do you consider those obstacles road blocks or speed bumps that if you go over gently, will leave little damage?

Feelings of powerlessness can make it more challenging to remember all we have overcome in the past. If we give ourselves permission to pause and think about how we may have navigated a similarly challenging situation in the past, we may feel more confident to manage that current stressful situation and thus feel more empowered.

One of the ways we can boost our feelings of power is to practice positive self-talk and positive self-affirmations. When we are faced with stressful situations or speed bumps in our lives, we may find that we start going downhill in a spiral of negative self-talk and we may let our nasty inner critic take over. If we pause and remember our talents, skills and abilities and speak to ourselves kindly, we may find ourselves feeling more powerful and able to handle whatever comes our way. Yes, some things may be outside of our control and coming to a place of acceptance is an important part of regaining our sense of control. Think about what you do have control over and take steps to do what you can to navigate the situation.

Another way we can combat feelings of powerlessness is to practice good self-care. Navigating stressful situations can feel exponentially more difficult if we have not taken the time to care for ourselves in healthy ways. If you are facing health concerns that are outside of your control, perhaps consider healthy ways of taking care of yourself that feel good to you. If you are facing a stressful situation at work, consider taking a short break to walk outside if that is available to you. If your personal life feels overwhelming, perhaps consider connecting with trusted others on whom you can rely emotionally.

I suspect many of us feel powerless from time to time. The trick to regain a sense of power is to remember your talents, skills and abilities, practicing positive self-talk and positive self-affirmations and to make sure you are practicing healthy self-care. It is important when we are feeling powerless to remember times when we faced similar situations in the past and how we managed to get through them. What unique abilities do you have that you can tap into to feel more empowered? What skills do you have that set you apart? How can you best take care of yourself so that you are better able to manage stressful situations?

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

Recently in both my personal life and my professional life, I have been confronted with adversity. I suspect I am not alone in this. It often seems as though not-so-great news comes to us in waves and can sometimes feel as though we are about to be knocked over and drawn deep into the ocean. The thing about adversity is that we can choose to let it drown us or we can choose to move with the waves and see where the waters will take us.

It may seem to some when we are faced with adversity, challenges or come upon what appears to be a string of bad news that we haven’t the strength to endure, to power through or grit. The thing about adversity is, it sometimes is a temporary condition. If we can give ourselves permission to see ourselves through adversity, we may just well come out stronger on the other side. If we fight the waves, we likely will be pulled under the water. If we move with them, we can find our way back to shore safely.

How we respond to adversity matters. We can choose to throw up our hands and scream, “I give up!” Or, we can choose to ask ourselves how we can best manage what can sometimes feel like a never-ending barrage of bad news. As Angela Duckworth says, we have to know when to quit and when to grit. But, how do we determine when to throw in the towel and when to use that towel to wipe the sweat off our faces and move on?

Of course, this depends on what it is that you are confronted with. Recently, I and several members of my family have received fairly bad news about our health. How we choose to respond to that news can mean either we give up and let nature take its course or we can choose to consult with medical professionals and learn to manage our symptoms. I, personally, choose the latter as I hope to live a very long life. It matters how we choose to respond to challenging news, events or situations. Doing so may require that we pause and really think about how we want to respond to said news, event or challenge. We can choose to view these things as an ending point or a starting point. What does that mean? Well, it means we can choose to view adversity as something insurmountable or we can choose to view it as part of a larger story, part of our unique story. Perhaps adversity means the ending of one chapter of our story and the start of a whole new chapter, showing us how strong we can be in the face of adversity.

Of course, some news is worse than other news. Receiving a diagnosis of Stage 4 cancer or something that cannot be cured, fixed with surgery or managed with physical therapy, can leave us with the feeling as though we are drowning in very rough seas with no hope of rescue. This can be very frightening and leave us feeling anxious, stressed and overwhelmed. It is okay to ask for help with such news, be that from a family member, friend, doctor or mental health professional. We can navigate adversity by reaching out for assistance when needed. Sometimes managing adversity means recognizing that it is okay to ask for help and knowing that we are not alone.

Most of us at some point will find ourselves in troubled waters. That is part of life. None of us has it easy all of the time. Most of us struggle. Most of us will be faced with challenges. Most of us will face adversity. What matters is how we respond to it. Yes, some news can feel catastrophic and, sadly, some news actually is catastrophic. Sometimes it may seem that every time we turn around, we receive more bad news, be it about our health or that of a loved one, be it about our jobs, our housing or what have you. We can choose to let those troubled waters drown us or we can ride the waves and find our way back to shore. That may mean reaching out for help. That may mean asking someone for a life jacket. That is okay. It takes more courage to ask for help than it does to suffer in silence.

Life, as it turns out, is rarely always easy. We can choose to quit or we can choose to grit. Depending on the circumstances and what tools you have in your tool belt, it may be better to grit than to quit. The choice is yours. How would you like to choose how to face adversity? What might you do to manage the challenges that life throws at you? What steps can you take to navigate troubled waters?

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

Life can be tricky. We want to do our best at work and also make time to socialize and to practice self-care and to take care of those we love. Sometimes, finding a way to manage all these things can feel nearly impossible or overwhelming. Life requires us to create some measure of balance when we notice we are feeling overwhelmed by all the things.

That begs the question of what is balance? What does that even mean in a go-go-go society where it seems things never slow down? Balance means, of course, different things to different people. For some it means equal parts work, socializing, taking care of things around the house and practicing self-care. For others balance may mean taking care of loved ones, working, making time to take care of physical and mental health. We all have different priorities so balance means different things for different people.

We may notice that we feel out of balance when we are spending more time taking care of work or caring for family and friends more so than we are taking care of ourselves. Those feelings can lead to compassion fatigue or feeling burned out. Perhaps that should be taken as a sign that some attention needs to be paid to the ranking of your priorities. Perhaps that means your life is imbalanced.

When it feels as though our lives have become imbalanced, attention must be paid to where we are directing our physical, mental and emotional energies. We do not find balance; we create balance. Perhaps that means eking out a little more time to practice self-care or cutting back on socializing. Perhaps that means the opposite. If you find you are neglecting things that have to get done, such as paying bills, practicing house hygiene or completing tasks for work, perhaps that means more energy could be directed toward those things.

We need balance in our lives so that we do not feel off-kilter. When it starts to feel that our lives are out of hand, that our lives have somehow become unmanageable, it may be time to take a look at our to-do lists, our priorities list and re-evaluate what is most important to us. Naturally, practicing self-care is important but doing so should be in balance with our other priorities and with taking care of those we love.

When you think of balance, what comes up for you? Is there an area or two of your life that seems out of balance? Do you need to redirect your attention to something that needs taken care of? Is it time to re-evaluate your priorities? Balance is not something that happens to us; it is something we create for ourselves.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

The other night at dinner with my husband something struck me and got me thinking about balance and what that means not just in my own life but in the grand scheme of things. It seems of late that society has become so consumed with “me” that we have lost sight of the fact that life is really about “we.”

What does that mean? And how do we balance “me” against “we?” First, let me share what got me thinking about all of this. At dinner, I spied a family across the room consisting of what appeared to be mother, father, grandparents and a young child of about three or four years old. The child was seated in a high chair fully attached to headphones and some kind of tablet device with a show or movie playing. The child was there with the family but not engaging or listening to or even looking at the rest of the family. Perhaps that does not seem all that peculiar in today’s society, but left me wondering about the state of society.

With the proliferation of social media, including Instagram and TikTok and Twitter, has society lost it’s balance and become more of a “me” society and less of a “we” society? Have we become more focused on ourselves to the detriment of considering others? This led me thinking even further about our need for validation and how that affects others around us.

Yes, it is important for us to have our needs, wants, desires and feelings validated. But do we seek this out without considering the needs, wants, desires and feelings of others? I am hoping not, but seeing more and more that some of us are less concerned with the “we” than we are about the “me.”

How do we find some balance between making sure our needs are met, our feelings are validated and making sure we are contributing to the physical and mental well-being of those we care about, and society at large? Life is not always about us, is it? Sometimes, we have to take into consideration the needs, wants, desires and feelings of other people. Life cannot be, nor should be, always about me.

We find balance between the important focus on “me” and the equally important focus on “we” by being cognizant not just of our feelings but in considering the feelings of others. We find balance in the important focus on “me” by being aware that what we say, what we do, how we behave does actually affect other people. It is okay to practice decorum in public. It is okay to practice good manners while out and about, be it when we are using our phones, or in a restaurant, or at the gym. We seem to have strayed from this as society becomes ever more focused on “me” thanks in large part to social media.

Yes, it is important for us to focus on the self. That does not mean we focus exclusively on ourselves. Focus on ourselves should not always mean “Me, first. ” It should mean “Me, too.” That is true not just when we consider self-care but when we are in the presence of other people. Yes, of course, our needs, wants, desires and feelings matter. But not to the exception of others.

I encourage all of us to really think about the direction in which society is moving and really think about how what we say, what we do and how we behave affects those around us. While it is important to make sure our needs, wants, desires and feelings are validated, it is equally important to make sure those of the people around us are, as well.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

I have been thinking a lot about self-compassion and how that relates to us holding ourselves accountable. Is it possible to both practice self-compassion and hold ourselves accountable for our thoughts and behaviors at the same time?

One of the reasons I have been spending so much time thinking about this is because of struggles I and those I love have endured in recent months. Health concerns have made it more challenging for me to exercise and engage in other activities I enjoy as much as I would like. How can I practice self-compassion for the health concerns I am facing while at the same time hold myself accountable to my values and goals?

It may seem to some that practicing self-compassion, which is an essential part of practicing self-love, and holding ourselves accountable for what we say and do are somehow diametrically opposed. Self-compassion, though, does not always mean letting ourselves off the hook for, say, a missed workout or a night of eating indulgent food. Self-compassion means we speak to ourselves kindly and remind ourselves that we are doing the best we can with what we have right now. Practicing self-compassion does not mean we do not hold ourselves accountable for what we say or do. We can do both at the same time.

I often think of how challenging it can be for some of us to practice self-compassion for missing a workout, eating indulgent foods, perhaps engaging in a little too much retail therapy and how that affects us being accountable for our actions. I, for one, sometimes have difficulty being compassionate with myself for a missed workout. When I do, I try to remember that sometimes our bodies dictate when it is time to take a rest day. It is perfectly acceptable to listen to our bodies and rest when we truly need to. It also is acceptable, and to some degree necessary, to hold ourselves accountable to our values of health and fitness by returning to exercise as soon as our bodies are ready. That is how we can practice both self-compassion and hold ourselves accountable at the same time.

If we constantly look for excuses to eat those indulgent foods, practice retail therapy to somehow self-soothe our negative emotions, if we repeatedly give ourselves permission to skip one workout and then the next and then the next, we may not be holding ourselves accountable to our values of health, financial security or fitness. Giving ourselves permission to indulge from time to time can be an act of self-compassion, while doing so repeatedly keeps us from holding ourselves accountable. There must be a way to strike a balance between the two.

We find that balance by staying true to our values. What is it that you value most in your life? Is it health? Fitness? Financial security? The ability to travel? Time with friends and family? It is okay to practice self-compassion by reminding ourselves that we need rest, we do sometimes deserve a treat, we need to clothe our bodies, and we need to nourish ourselves with food while also making healthy choices. That is how we hold ourselves accountable.

When we fail to hold ourselves accountable for what we say or what we do, for what choices we have made and are making, we squander the gift of self-love. We get to self-love by balancing self-compassion with holding ourselves accountable. Are there steps you might be able to take to stay true to your values, hold yourself accountable and also practice self-compassion? Can you strike some balance in your life?

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

Life is funny. Sometimes it seems as though everything is going your way and then, sometimes, it seems as though every time we turn around, we face a challenge. What matters in life is how we view those challenges and recognizing what is within our control and what is not.

What happens when we acknowledge that some things, many things, really, are outside of our control? Some things just are. We can control our reaction to challenges or we can lament those challenges and view them as road blocks rather than speed bumps. We can accept things as they are or fight tooth and nail against reality. Accepting things as they are can release us from angst. Doing so, however, does not mean that we give up. We do not have to resign ourselves to our fate in the face of certain challenges. We have to know when to let go and when to fight.

The idea of radical acceptance, a tool in dialectical behavior therapy often used in counseling, does not mean we simply give up. Radical acceptance means accepting something fully, both mentally and emotionally, without judgement. It does not require us to like or approve of something. Radical acceptance only means that we accept facts as reality. Radical acceptance does not equate to resignation.

The fact of the matter is that some things simply are outside of our control. What other people say, do, think or believe is outside of our control. We may not always understand they way others think, the way they behave or what they believe but we can accept that those things are outside of our control. We can choose how we want to respond when someone says something we do not agree with, but we cannot control what they say. We can be confused, hurt or feel dismayed when someone wrongs us, but accepting that another person’s behavior is outside of our control can offer us some freedom from staying in a space of hurt, disappointment or betrayal. We can both accept the way things are and work toward making things better in the future.

Radical acceptance means letting go of the idea of how you might like any given situation to be and accepting the reality of the actual situation. Fighting reality, questioning reality, likely will make what is perceived as a bad situation feel much worse. In order to move past a bad situation, we have to recognize what is within our control and what is not. For example, you get demoted at work after what your boss perceives as you breaking a rule. You can both accept that you got demoted AND fight to regain your previous position through proper channels. You do not have to suffer an injustice without a fight. You can give yourself permission to recognize that the action against you was outside of your control while at the same time fighting for what is right. Asking yourself over and over again, “Why me?” will not make the situation any better. Taking steps through proper channels to regain your previous position may help, though.

The idea of dialectics is to give yourself permission to hold or accept what may be two opposing ideas or feelings at the same time. We can both accept the reality of any given situation by accepting what is outside of our control AND we can fight for justice or take steps to improve a situation. Practicing radical acceptance allows you to put your energy into coping with a situation rather than trying to avoid it or deny it or deny your feelings and thoughts about it.

Is there a situation in your life that you could face with radical acceptance? Is there something going on in your life that has left you wondering time and again, “Why me?” Can you give yourself permission to recognize that some things are simply outside of your control? What steps might you be able to take to recognize what is within your control? Fighting the reality of what is perceived as a bad situation will only serve to make things feel worse. Give yourself permission to cope with the situation as best you can to move forward.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

I remember getting my first cell phone about 25 years ago and how, back then, these devices largely were used for emergencies only. What a sense of safety they brought with them, knowing that help was only a phone call away if we were out and about in our cars or on foot somewhere. My, how things have changed.

In the 25 years since I purchased my first cell phone, these seemingly innocuous devices have become little, hand-held personal computers on which we can do our banking, surf the internet and scroll through social media. We can use them to stay connected to our people via phone calls, text messages and video chats. Other devices, including our laptops and tablets, offer similar features. And while these devices can be helpful in myriad ways, they also can become addictive to the point that we prefer using our devices to actually engaging face-to-face with other human beings, even our closest confidantes.

How often do you find yourself picking up your phone to scroll through social media, post pictures or what have you? How often do you find yourself on Instagram, SnapChat or TikTok? How often do you find yourself losing 10, 15, 20 minutes, even more time, to Twitter or Facebook or whatever social platform you prefer? How often do you find yourself questioning how much time you spend on your phone, laptop or tablet? Have you ever wondered if it is too much time? Have you ever thought to yourself that you spend altogether too much time on your devices?

Many people find themselves wondering either to themselves or aloud if they spend too much time on their devices, often to the detriment of their personal relationships, work or other activities. But how do you know if you have become addicted to your devices? Some research urges us to consider these criteria to determine if our use of devices has become an addiction:

• Problematic and conscious use of devices in dangerous situations or prohibited contexts with social and familial conflicts and confrontations, as well as loss of interest in other activities. A continuation of the behavior is observed despite the negative effects or the personal malaise caused.

• Harm, repeated physical, mental, social, work, or familial interruptions, preferring the cell phone to personal contact; frequent and constant consultations in brief periods, with insomnia and sleep disturbances.

• Excessive use, urgency, abstinence, tolerance, dependence, difficulty controlling, craving, increasing use to achieve satisfaction or relaxation or to counteract a dysphoric mood, the need to be connected, feelings of irritability or of being lost if separated from the phone or of sending and viewing messages with feelings of unease when unable to use it.

• Anxiety and loneliness when unable to send a message or receive an immediate response; stress and changes in mood due to the need to respond immediately to messages.

Some of us are virtually unable to control our device usage. If we find ourselves unable to put our devices down and not feel the urge or compulsion to pick it back up again only minutes later, we may need to give some thought to how much we are using those devices. We may need to consider device-free periods.

One thing I strongly urge my clients to consider is device-free date nights or device-free meals. It is acceptable to put your device in a different room or in a purse or pocket when we are out and about with other people. This not only tells the people you are with that your time with them is important, but it reassures those people that they have your undivided attention. We also can opt to turn our devices off for the evening or during the duration of an outing to let our people know that our time with them is more important than posting on TikTok or checking Twitter.

Some people who think that their device usage may be bordering on unhealthy may find themselves feeling depressed due to the fact that most social media platforms offer only a person’s highlight reel and often encourage comparison to others. We know that comparison is the thief of joy and we should know that much of what is posted on social media may fail to pass a fact check.

Others who find their device usage problematic may find that device usage is a function of the need for social approval and self-control, according to some studies. If you are finding that you are reaching for your device because you are feeling lonely and disconnected, it may behoove you to actually place a phone call or schedule a face-to-face outing and speak to a trusted other in person.

Our devices afford us an opportunity to stay connected to our people but they can become more of a curse if we find that we are turning to them because we feel compelled to do so. Giving yourself permission to schedule device-free date nights, device-free meal time or device-free periods may help you from relying on your phone, tablet or laptop to replace actual human-to-human contact. It is okay to distance yourself from your device if you find yourself feeling more depressed or anxious because of your use. Put the device in another room while hanging out with friends or family. Turn your device off at a certain time and do not turn it back on until you leave the house if that is feasible for you. Our devices do not have to control us if only we take steps to limit usage.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

What does it mean to be resilient? And where does resilience come from? Some argue that resilience is a trait we are born with while others believe it is something we develop over time, after facing hardships, disappointments and adversity. If resilience is something we develop over time, how do we go about doing that?

First, let’s define “resilience.” What does that word even mean, especially these days when it seems as though many of our children win trophies simply for showing up and are whisked away to safe spaces when there is even a threat of trouble or disappointment. To some, the word “resilience” means maintaining a stable equilibrium. For others it means being able to bounce back after stressful events. Merriam-Webster defines “resilience” as an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change.

When we think about stressful, adverse or disappointing events or circumstances, it might be helpful to remember that stress is largely unavoidable. We all encounter some measure of stress pretty much every day. Stress is a part of our lives. It is how we respond to stress that matters. Adverse events, disappointments, happen to all of us. None of us will get through life without facing adversity or disappointment at some point. It matters how we manage adversity and disappointments that matters. Do we view stress, disappointment and adversity as a road block, throw up our hands and give up, or do we view stress, adversity and disappointment as a speed bump that if we go over slowly and with care, there will be little damage? The choice is yours.

We can choose to view stress, disappointment and adversity as insurmountable or we can view these things we all encounter as part of everyday life. We can choose to let them determine who we are or we can choose to look at them as stepping stones to becoming stronger human beings.

One of the ways we can build resilience is to remember that even the toughest, most difficult situations rarely last for eternity. If you think about it, even our feelings are temporary … visitors who stay for a while and then leave us. Most situations, however difficult, really are manageable, if we give ourselves permission to look at them objectively and to do so without catastrophizing.

Another way to build resilience is to maintain our sense of hope. If we choose to look at stress, adversity and disappointment as speed bumps on the road of life we can remain hopeful that once we slowly move over the bump. the road will be smooth, at least for a while. Then we give ourselves props for handling the challenging situation the best we could with the tools we had at the time. We take that as a lesson and learn from it, applying what we have learned to the next adverse event, stressful situation or disappointment.

We also can build resilience by remembering that we are stronger than we likely give ourselves credit for. This may mean upping our positive self-talk game, practicing positive self-affirmations and remembering to speak kindly to ourselves. We do not build resilience by engaging in negative self-talk or by putting ourselves down. Give yourself credit for doing the best you can with what you have right now and remember that stressful situations, adverse events and disappointments all are lessons from which we can learn.

~ Karri Chrisitansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

I often find myself thinking of life as a story, our story, and one that in many ways, we get to write the way we want. Everyone is living his or her own story, one with varying number of chapters, each with its own theme. The trouble is, sometimes we get stuck in one chapter or perhaps even on one page. The new year offers us all a chance to start writing if not a new chapter, then at least a new page.

For so many people 2022 has been a year of ups and downs, peaks and valleys. Many of us find ourselves wondering if we ever will see and end to the COVID-19 pandemic. Many of us have suffered heartbreak. Many of us have seen either a change in or loss of employment. Many of us have lost loved ones. We can choose to stay stuck in these painful chapters, or we can choose to start writing a new one. We can take steps to own our story by making sure that we are the authors we want to be.

The new year affords an opportunity to begin anew; it’s a fresh start. Yes, some of what transpired in the last 12 months may stick with us for a while but we can choose to let go what we are able and to focus our attention on moving forward. We can choose to remain who we were in 2022 or we can choose to think about who we want to be in 2023.

When we think about being the authors of our own lives, we can consider what kind of book we want to write. Should it be an adventure? A romance? A mystery? Should it be some combination of genres? Being the author of your own story gives you the opportunity to think about how you want that story to read. Being the author of your own story gives you the opportunity to take control of those things you can and to let go of those things you cannot. What do you want your story to sound like?

One of the best things of ringing in a new year is that turning the page gives us reason to take stock of how the story is shaping up so far. Do you like the way things are going or would you like to make some changes moving forward? If so, in what way do you want to change? What steps might you be able to take to make those changes happen?

Perhaps you would like 2023 to be the year of you. Perhaps that means taking time to make yourself a priority on occasion. That might mean practicing self-care with more frequency or doing so in a way that brings you more pleasure by engaging in healthy activities. Perhaps that means learning a new language (perhaps the language of self-love?) or learning a new craft. Perhaps that means spending more time with people who lift you up and/or setting boundaries with those your relationship is more challenging.

Perhaps 2023 is the year you give back to your community, your village, your world. Perhaps that means becoming involved in a non-violent cause or action that you support. Perhaps that means considering running for office. Perhaps that means volunteering for your local animal shelter or domestic violence or woman’s shelter. Perhaps that means tutoring or teaching music lessons.

Whatever you decide you want 2023 to look, sound and feel like, consider how it might impact your unique story. Think about what you want this next chapter to sound like and then consider steps you might take to move in that direction. Your story is up to you. You have the power to write the next chapter in a way that sounds good to you.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

I have been thinking a lot about grief lately, especially as I approach the 10-year anniversary of my mother’s passing on December 23. Grief is such a tricky emotion. It may seem as though we have moved through grief, only for it to resurface at the holidays, birthdays and other occasions. I am reminded that we do not get over a loss, we get through it.

The tricky question is “How?”

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross many years ago introduced us to the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Only recently did David Kessler introduce us to a sixth stage, and that is making meaning. I wonder, though, if we should rethink the stages of grief altogether, as well as grief itself. So many of us think of grief primarily when it pertains to the loss of a loved one. Yet, there are so many other things we may find ourselves grieving during the course of our lives.

First, let’s address the stages of grief. Kubler-Ross likely did not mean to imply that the stages are meant to be linear. We do not go through denial and then anger and then bargaining and so on. We may, in fact, find ourselves moving amongst the stages of grief, We may find that we think we have moved past denial only to find ourselves days, weeks, months even years later back in denial. We may find ourselves experiencing two or more stages of grief at one time. We may find that we simultaneously are in depression and anger. We may find ourselves in both anger and bargaining. All of that is okay. We grieve in our own way and in our own time. No one has the right to look at their watch or the calendar on the wall and tell you that it is time for you to be over your loss. You do not get over a loss, you get through it. That may take years, even decades.

We also may find ourselves grieving more than the loss of a loved one. With regards to losing a loved one, you may be grieving the loss of a relationship that never was, particularly if the relationship you had with a loved one was challenging or somehow disappointing. You may find yourself grieving the loss of a pet, which can hurt as badly as losing a human. You may find yourself grieving the loss of a friendship or the hope of what that friendship could have been. You may find yourself grieving the loss of a job, even one you did not particularly like or find fulfilling.

Grief comes in many forms. You may find yourself in grief should you experience a health concern that leaves you unable to function at previous levels. You may find yourself grieving your youth. You may find yourself in grief as you notice your children becoming adults, grieving the loss of their childhood innocence.

We all experience grief in different ways. Kubler-Ross was not saying that we all experience the five stages of grief in the same way, only that these are things we may experience as we move through grief. I like Kessler’s idea of that sixth stage, making meaning, though that may take years if not decades to discover.

One thing we can remember about grief is that it shows us that we cared and loved deeply. Grief, if we allow it, can be a teacher of sorts, showing us who and what is important to us. Grief allows us to think more carefully about our present relationships and the things in our lives that matter most to us. Grief can remind us to show those who remain in our lives how much they mean to us. Grief can remind us to take better care of our physical and mental health. Grief can be a sort of friend, if we allow it.

The holidays can be a challenging time for people under even the best circumstances but can be even more so for those who find themselves in grief. Remember that if you are in grief, it may be helpful to practice healthy coping skills, practice good self-care or to reach out to those people you feel safe with. And, give yourself permission, to move through grief in your own time and in your own way.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP