May has been and continues to be Mental Health Awareness Month in the United States and abroad. Currently in the United States nearly one in five people live with mental illness at any given time. The COVID-19 pandemic has left many people struggling with depression, anxiety and trauma responses. Know that it is okay to struggle and it also is okay to seek out a mental health professional to process your feelings.

Living with mental illnesses such as depression and anxiety can leave one feeling isolated and alone, unsure of themselves and the world around them. Seeking help can mean the difference between feeling as though you are simply existing and living a life with meaning. I myself made the journey from mental illness to mental wellness and continue to tend to my mental health on a daily basis. I long had struggled with anorexia, bipolar disorder and anxiety. It finally dawned on me one day while in the hospital being treated for bipolar disorder that I did not have to play victim to my mental health concerns. I realized that the thing that needed to change was me, not the world around me and so took steps to take charge of my mental health.

Along my mental health journey and now in my career as a social worker, I have come to glean some lessons that you might find helpful. Here are some of the things I have learned:

• Your worth as a human being is not determined by the things you own, the shape of your body or the number on a scale.

• “No” is a complete sentence and you have the right to say that without explanation.

• You are worthy of love and belonging simply because you are human. You do not have to hustle to earn your worth.

• It is okay to walk away from anyone who does not add to your life.

• It takes far more courage to ask for help than it does to suffer in silence.

• There are people who care and it is okay to reach out when you need help.

• If you constantly strive for perfection, you likely more than not will always find yourself disappointed. Nothing is perfect. There is beauty in your imperfections.

• It is difficult to offer compassion to others if you cannot offer yourself compassion. Be kind and gentle with yourself and know that you are doing the best you can with what you have right now.

• Self-care is not selfish. You cannot pour from an empty cup. Take care of yourself so that you can be better able to take care of those you love.

• You are responsible for your own happiness. If you want a better life, make better choices.

Taking charge of your mental health means that you may have to course-correct to change long-held beliefs that affect the way you think about yourself and the world around you. You may have to dig deep and it may be uncomfortable. It takes courage to change but it is so worth it. You deserve to live a happy, healthy life. What steps can you take to improve your mental health? Are you ready to be the victor of your life instead of the victim?

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

Today is the day we celebrate mothers, but for some people Mother’s Day can be extremely difficult. For those who have lost their mothers, those who had or have strained relationships with their mothers, those who yearn to be mothers but are not, this day can be hard to navigate.

When celebrating this day, it is important to remember that not everyone still has a living mother and that not every woman is a mother. Instead of saying, “Happy Mother’s Day” to every woman you meet, perhaps instead consider saying simply, “Enjoy your day.”

So many people I know already have lost their mothers and this day can be bittersweet. For those of us who have lost our mothers, try to remember the good times you shared with your mom. I lost my mother nearly nine years ago and not a day goes by that I do not think of her. Our relationship was not always what I hoped it would be, but I can be thankful for her in the knowledge that she did the best she could with what she had at the time.

For those who yearned to be mothers, but for reasons that are extremely personal, cannot be, this day can be very painful. Try to remember with compassion, love and understanding those who wished to become mothers but could not. Those who are childless may have desperately wanted children and seeing you and your mother together today can be hard for these women. Some mothers may already have lost a child or children. Remember them on this day.

Many children have had strained relationships with their mothers and celebrating on this day may not be a realistic option. For some people, the relationship they have with their mother is complicated. Their relationships with their mothers may have been abusive verbally, physically or even sexually. Remember this when you offer your holiday greetings.

For those of you whose mothers still are living and with whom you have a good relationship, I hope you enjoy your day. Remember how lucky you are to be with your mother on this day and every day.

I find it interesting these days how much so many of us have come to rely on others to validate us. It is so interesting how so many of us rely on social media to tell us that we are loved, that we are worthy of belonging. We post on social media in the hopes that we will receive “likes” and thumbs-up, perhaps in order to prove that we are worthy of love. Those “likes” and thumbs-up validate us, as if our entire existence depends on whether others see and read our posts.

What happens when we begin to rely on others to validate us? What happens when our sole source of validation comes from others, be it in the form of “likes” on social media or compliments from others? What happens when we fail to validate ourselves? In the long run, more likely than not our perception of ourselves can shift and we lose our joy by comparing ourselves to others. What happens if instead, we validate ourselves by practicing positive self-affirmations and by taking care of ourselves in ways that feel nourishing?

When we rely on others for validation, we put our power of self-love in others’ hands. When that happens, we start to lose sight of who we really are. We can fall victim to how others see us, which may not be how we really are. Oftentimes, people do not or cannot see who we truly are. They see only what they want to see or what we are willing to show them. The only people who really know us is, in fact, us. Instead of seeking validation from others for what they can see, try practicing validating yourself for all you are.

If you cannot validate yourself, if you cannot practice positive self-affirmations, you will find yourself constantly disappointed because people do not always see you for who you really are. I understand that practicing positive self-affirmations can feel awkward but I assure you that the more you practice doing so not only will it seem less awkward, but the more you will come to believe what you are saying to yourself.

I recently started working with a young woman who has started feeling unattractive and has been seeking external validation for her appearance from others rather than taking steps to make herself feel more attractive so that she feels good about herself. I wondered aloud with her about what might happen if she started to take steps to make herself feel more attractive, perhaps by exercising and eating healthy or by wearing things that make her feel beautiful. She indicated that she had not really thought about those things, about making herself feel beautiful and self-validating. The more we take steps to validate ourselves, the less we feel the need to seek validation from others. And the more we do that, the more we come to love ourselves for ourselves rather than for how others view us.

Practicing self-validation by offering yourself positive self-affirmations could mean telling yourself you are intelligent, strong and beautiful while looking in the mirror while getting dressed for the day. It could mean writing down three things you find attractive about yourself when you wake up in the morning or before you go to bed at night. You can offer yourself positive self-affirmations anytime throughout your day by simply noticing when you feel good about yourself and why.

We all seek external validation from time to time. The trouble in that comes when we come to rely solely on external validation to prove to ourselves that we are worthy of love and belonging. Social media makes that exponentially worse, as we can tend to compare ourselves to others we follow and use that comparison as a basis for validation. The more we come to practice self-validation, the less we need others to tell us that we are smart, strong, beautiful and worthy of love and belonging. You are worthy of love and belonging simply because you are a human being. The more you come to tell yourself that, the less you need to rely on others to do so.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

We are more than a year now into the COVID-19 pandemic and some of us are starting to really feel the weight, the heaviness of, well, everything. Some of us are finding ourselves feeling stressed and anxious about not being able to be with our family and friends, of continuing to have to work from home or of having to go to the office and be with other people. Some of us are finding ourselves not sure how to manage the feelings that come along with stress and anxiety.

When we are feeling stressed and anxious, we sometimes find that do not know how to make ourselves feel better in ways that are healthy and adaptable. Sometimes we are inclined to turn to alcohol or other substances. For some, this can become problematic and make stress and anxiety exponentially worse. There are other alternatives. There are healthy ways to manage stress and anxiety.

One of the best ways to cope with stress and anxiety is to get some exercise. We know that 30 minutes of exercise three to five days a week can help us regulate anxiety. This can be anything that gets your body moving: a walk, a run, a bike ride, take a boxing class, participate in an online or in-person exercise class depending on your comfort level. Do something that feels good to you and gets your heart rate up. Not only will this help manage stress and anxiety, but exercising regularly often can lead to better sleep, which will, in turn, help you manage your stress and anxiety.

Practice mindfulness and/or meditation. I recently started practicing meditation and admit this can be a challenge for those of us whose minds frequently wander. Feel free to start with a short meditation of 30 seconds or one minute. There are several apps you can try to do this, including Calm and Headspace. Some Fitbit apps offer meditations, as well. You can practice meditation during stressful periods of your work day or whenever you feel you need a short break. Mindfulness can be practiced throughout your day by simply noticing what you are doing without judgement. You can practice mindfulness while washing your hands by noticing the soap becoming bubbly and by noticing how it feels as you work it over your fingers and hand. Notice the water becoming warmer and warmer as you massage the soap over your hands. Mindfulness can be practiced while you are walking or running by simply noticing your foot falls, notice what your feet feel like in your shoes. Mindfulness and meditation can help relieve stress and anxiety by helping you be more present in the moment.

Reach out to a trusted other. This could a be a friend, a family member or a mental health professional. I started working with someone yesterday who was beginning to feel lonely not being able to meet with her friends in person because of the pandemic. She told me that she often feels as though she is always the one reaching out to check on her people and rarely felt as though people were checking in on her. I understand that feeling. It is okay to reach out for extra help during those times when you are feeling particularly lonely. It takes more courage to ask for help than it does to suffer in silence. Share with someone you trust what you are feeling. Tell someone why you are feeling stressed and anxious. It is possible the person with whom you are sharing may be feeling similarly.

Practice good self-care. When we think of self-care we sometimes think this has to be something big but in reality it could be something little. Anything you enjoy doing that is just for you counts as self-care. Maybe that means getting a massage if you feel safe doing so and can afford it. Maybe that means listening to your favorite podcast or listening to some music. Maybe that means binge watching your favorite program. Maybe that means watching your favorite movie for the umpteenth time. Do something that makes you feel good.

Take a break. With so many people working from home while trying to manage children who are remote learning, it can feel as though there is no line between work and home. I encourage folks to make sure that if they are working from home and have the space to do so to make sure their work space is completely separate from their home space. If you can, keep your home office out of your bedroom. Make sure that when your work day is over, you take a few moments to transition into the rest of your day. Try to maintain a clear work schedule that begins and ends at a specific time. It is okay to set that boundary.

Remember that stress and anxiety are normal. We all feel these things from time to time but there are healthy ways to manage these feelings. Turning to alcohol could likely just exacerbate your feelings and for some people, anxiety is heightened if using marijuana. Try using your adaptive, healthy coping skills instead. And if need be, reach out to a professional. There are people who can help you develop healthy coping skills. There are people who care.

Today marks Easter Sunday in the United States, a day of resurrection and rebirth and I find myself thinking about how we who are living can be reborn in our own lives. Perhaps we can do so by making the decision to take better care of our physical and mental health.

So many of us still are struggling as a result of the COVID-19 pandemic that continues to rage across the globe. So many of us have found ourselves living with anxiety, depression and loneliness. We find ourselves unable to sleep well. We find our appetite has changed. We find our minds racing. We find ourselves unable to connect physically with far-away friends and loved ones, leaving us feeling lonely and detached. We do not have to continue to live this way. There are decisions we can make to ease the burden of these feelings.

I often say that it takes more courage to reach out for help than it does to suffer in silence. It is okay to not be okay and it is okay to seek assistance in dealing with anxiety, depression, loneliness and disconnection. It is okay to make the decision to take charge of your mental health, just as it is to make decisions that are good for your physical health. Talking to a professional about whatever you may be suffering with emotionally should be no different than going to a professional about your physical health. Make the decision to take care of yourself: mind, body and soul. Make the decision to take care of you.

Many of us have found during this global health crisis that we have turned to alcohol or other substances to help us through. Perhaps you have found that you are drinking more or smoking more marijuana or using cocaine, heroin or other opioids to help get you through this difficult time. Perhaps your use has become problematic. It is okay to make the decision to reach out for help to learn how to manage your use, to control your use or to stop using. It is okay to take care of you.

I understand that asking for help to manage depression, anxiety, loneliness, disconnection, substance use can seem daunting. I understand that asking for help can feel scary, especially if you have never spoken to a professional about your mental health or substance use issues. Know that we are here to help. Know that we will not judge you for struggling; we all struggle sometimes. Know that you are not alone in your struggles. Nearly one in five people live with mental illness at any one time. Likely more than not you know someone else who is struggling with mental health concerns.

Some people may believe that living with mental illness or substance use disorders make them weak. This could not be further from the truth. Mental illnesses and substance use disorders are not flaws in character; they are flaws in chemistry. They are illnesses, just like any other illnesses, and can be treated. Make the decision to get help if you need it. You deserve to take care of your mental health. You deserve to live free of the shackles of substance use disorders. You deserve to live a happy, healthy life. All you have to do is make the decision to reach out. All you have to do is make the decision to ask for help. There are people who care and who want to help you be reborn in happiness.

We now are more than one year into a global health crisis that has left many of us wracked with depression, anxiety and loneliness. Many of us have taken the past year to learn more about ourselves, to become the people we always were meant to be. For some, this has been difficult and some people continue to find it challenging to offer themselves kindness, grace and compassion for struggling with difficult thoughts, feelings and emotions.

What happens if instead of beating ourselves up for struggling this past year, we turn toward ourselves with compassion and understanding. What happens if we offer ourselves the same compassion and understanding that we likely offer our friends and loved ones? What happens if we try to stop criticizing ourselves for trying to manage difficult emotions?

It can be difficult to offer oneself compassion, but doing so allows us to be even more compassionate with those we love. Offering ourselves compassion means speaking kindly to ourselves, being gentle with ourselves and coming to realize that we are doing the best we can with what we have right now. It has been a very difficult year for so many of us. It is okay to feel overwhelmed with challenging emotions such as sadness, loneliness, anger. It is perfectly normal to find yourself mourning the loss of whatever your “normal” was prior to the pandemic. Doing so simply means that you are human. Offer yourself some grace for what you are dealing with. Beating yourself up for dealing with negative or challenging emotions likely will only make you feel worse. Try to practice loving kindness with and toward yourself.

Offering yourself loving kindness when you are struggling with difficult emotions will allow you to let go of any negative self-criticism. It is perfectly okay to be struggling right now. It is perfectly okay to admit that this past year has been very challenging. Doing so does not make you weak. Doing so makes you human.

What happens if you give yourself permission to feel those challenging emotions? What happens if you accept the fact that feeling negative or challenging emotions is a part of life and something that we all deal with? The fact that you may feel sad, lonely, depressed or anxious does not mean that you somehow are a lesser human being. It simply means that you may be struggling, and that is okay. We all struggle from time to time. Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to feel. If you find that those negative feelings have become overwhelming, reach out to a trusted other, be it a friend, family member or mental health professional. It is okay to ask for help. It takes more courage to ask for help than it does to suffer in silence.

Asking for help to learn how to manage challenging emotions can feel freeing. So will speaking to yourself kindly and with love. The more we step away from negative self-talk the easier it is to come to love and accept yourself for being human and feeling challenging emotions. What happens if instead of berating ourselves for feeling negative emotions, we speak to ourselves with kindness when we do? What if we speak to ourselves with love, likely as we would speak to a friend or family member who is struggling? Offer yourself that same love and compassion. You deserve it.

We are now just about one year into a global health crisis that has left many of us feeling overwhelmed, depressed and anxious. Many of us have found ourselves struggling to make the best of what can easily be described as a very challenging year. I frequently find myself trying to remember what this year has offered, rather than thinking about what I have been missing, and keep coming back to the idea that this past year has allowed many of us more time to focus on what is important, who is important.

And while many of us have come to learn who and what really deserves our attention, some people still struggle with the notion that among the things that deserve our attention is us, is ourselves. One year into the pandemic and I have come to realize that many of us still believe that taking care of ourselves is not necessary and so meeting our own needs still falls by the wayside. I find myself wondering why that is. Perhaps some of us do not believe that we are worthy of our own attention. Perhaps some believe that our needs do not matter. That could not be further from the truth. If we fail to take care of ourselves, it makes it that much more difficult to take care of those we love.

I was working with a client yesterday talking about what she has learned about herself during the pandemic, about what she has decided is most important in her life. Among her top priorities were work, her marriage, her friends and, finally, herself. All of these things are admirable. But I wondered what would happen if she moved herself up on that list of priorities. What happens if we make ourselves a priority? What happens if we take the time to listen to our bodies and nourish ourselves in the way we need? What happens if we take care ourselves first?

Some people believe that putting themselves first means ignoring others. That does not have to be true. Putting ourselves first can and should mean that we take care of our own needs so that we may be better able to take care of those we love. You cannot pour from an empty cup. If you do not take care of your needs, if you do not take time to nourish yourself, you run the risk of burnout and will not be able to take care of those you love. Making sure your needs are met is not selfish, it is imperative.

Some of us have trouble with the notion that it is okay to take time just for us, to rest, to take care of our minds, bodies and souls. Some of us believe that we do not deserve to have our needs met. Some of us do not believe that we are worthy of our own attention. But what happens if we go too long without meeting our needs? More likely than not we will begin to feel burned out, depressed and anxious. Taking care of ourselves can help ward off feelings of sadness, of exhaustion, of anxiety. We deserve to live a life where our needs are met and it is more than acceptable to meet those needs ourselves.

How do we meet our own needs when we have been putting others before us for so long? The best way is to get in touch with what you are feeling and that requires you to sit quietly and allow yourself to listen to your mind and your body. If you can give yourself permission to just be for a few minutes, your body will tell you what you need. It may feel uncomfortable to just sit in silence with no distractions for a few minutes but doing so will allow you to notice what you are feeling and will give you an opportunity to name that feeling. Notice without judgement what you are feeling and your body will tell you what you need. Perhaps your body is crying out to have a physical need of hunger or thirst or rest met. Perhaps your body is telling you your emotional needs are not being met. Whatever your body is telling you, try to meet that need yourself. You deserve to take care of your own needs. Taking the time to meet your own needs is not selfish. It is necessary for survival.

What can you do today to take care of yourself? What needs have gone unmet? What can you do today to meet those needs? You deserve, just as much as anybody, to meet your own needs. Notice what your body is telling you and respond appropriately. Take the time to nourish yourself.

We now are more than one year into a global health crisis that has left many of us feeling emotionally exhausted. We have become tired of being in lockdown, tired of not being able to spend time in person with family and friends, tired of having to deal with the COVID-19 pandemic. Many of us have found ourselves without employment and so have been busying ourselves at home with tasks, to-do lists and projects. All of this may have left you feeling physically and emotionally exhausted.

When our minds and bodies become exhausted, it can be difficult to enjoy life. We may lose interest in doing things that once brought us pleasure. When this happens, it may be time to stop and listen to your mind and body. Is it time to take a break? Is it time for you to rest? For so many people, giving yourself permission to rest can be very challenging. Some of us feel as though we are “lazy” if we simply stop working on our projects, checking off things on our to-do lists or completing tasks. And while that word “lazy” has only four letters, it can seem like a big word with heavy connotations. What does it mean to be or feel lazy? Does that say something about who you are as a person? What does it mean if you take a break, listen to your mind and body and simply rest?

During this pandemic, I have worked with several people who feel as though they must be constantly productive, particularly if they are not working at the moment. Some of these people are finding themselves just as exhausted as if they were working a regular 40-hour-per-week job. What causes that need to feel constantly productive? Why must we feel as though we must always be busy? What happens if we just take some time to just be? What happens if we stop the glorification of busy?

The need to feel constantly productive can leave us feeling as though we are not good enough, never doing enough, never accomplishing enough. That feeling of never enough ultimately can take a toll on your mental health, leaving you with a feeling of being less than if you are not constantly accomplishing something. Perhaps it is time to fight back against that feeling and give yourself permission to take a break, a likely much-deserved break. This pandemic has taken a toll on all of us. It is perfectly okay to stop working on tasks and projects and to rest. We all need rest. We all deserve rest, both physical rest and emotional rest. Your mind and body will tell you when it is time to take a break, if you slow down and take the time to listen to it.

Some of us find it challenging to slow down and to rest because we are afraid of what might happen if we do so. What happens if you stop and listen to your mind and body? Will you be overcome with unwanted thoughts, feelings or emotions? What happens if you allow yourself to sit with those thoughts, feelings and emotions? What happens if you allow those thoughts, feelings and emotions to come and accept them without judgement? What happens if you stop being busy long enough to hear what your mind and body are trying to tell you? What happens if you allow yourself to rest?

Resting allows us an opportunity to get in touch with what we really are thinking and feeling. For some, doing so may seem frightening as staying busy can help keep unwanted thoughts and feelings at bay. It is okay to sit with those thoughts and feelings, so that you may better come to know yourself and what you need. If we do not listen to our thoughts and feelings, our needs can go unmet. And if our needs go unmet, our physical and mental health can suffer. What can you do to take some time to rest? Can you give yourself permission to just be? Can you give yourself permission to listen to your mind and body, determine your needs and meet them yourself? Can you give yourself permission to rest?

We are coming up on Valentine’s Day, a day where we show others just how much we love them. I wonder what would happen if we showed ourselves that same love that we give so freely to others? How often do we criticize ourselves and speak to ourselves in ways we never would address friends or loved ones? How we talk to ourselves matters. Years ago, a teacher spoke to me about the importance of self-love, the unconditional love of self that fosters a strong sense of self-esteem. As I age, I understand more and more how self-love is essential to my being.

Self-love is not selfish love. Self-love does not mean putting my needs, wants and desires above everyone else’s. Self-love involves speaking kindly to oneself, it means being compassionate toward oneself, it involves being patient with oneself. Self-love means understanding that you are doing the best you can with what you have right now. Self-love means taking care of yourself, for if you do not take care of yourself, how can you possibly take care of anyone else?

I recently practiced self-love for a month or so. Sure, it was difficult at first, but the more I practiced, the easier it became (as is the case with anything). Instead of speaking harshly to myself when I made a mistake, I reminded myself that mistakes are our way of learning how to do something better. I used terms such as “darling” and “honey” and “beautiful” to refer to myself instead of more derogatory terms. I spoke to myself the way I would address a friend or loved one, with kindness and compassion.

We almost never would speak to our friends and loved ones in the ways we sometimes speak to ourselves. And we certainly never would tolerate being spoken to by anyone else the way we sometimes speak to ourselves. What we say to ourselves matters. How can we love ourselves when we refer to ourselves in derogatory, harsh ways? What would happen if instead of calling ourselves something like “dumbass” we called ourselves “darling?” What would happen if instead of berating ourselves for making a mistake, we congratulated ourselves on doing so and for having the courage to find a way to do something better?

We all deserve love and belonging and that love should start with love of self. Self-love takes practice, indeed. What can you do today to start your journey of self-love? Can you find something beautiful about yourself and offer yourself a compliment? Can you find something you are good at and congratulate yourself? Can you find healthy ways to show yourself love? The more you practice self-love by offering yourself kindness and compassion, the easier it will be to show others love.

I find myself working with several clients lately who are struggling with perfectionism and am reminded that nothing in life ever is perfect. The word “perfect” often is overused to describe something or a set of circumstances, but is anything ever really perfect? Looking out my office window at a fresh blanket of cold, white snow I am reminded that nothing is perfect, not even in nature.

In remembering that nothing is perfect, I am reminded of a client with whom I am working who is constantly striving for perfection. She finally has admitted that this constant striving for perfection has left her perpetually feeling disappointed, depressed and anxious. She was telling me how she constantly is working to learn more, work more, do more for friends, family and home. She was telling me that striving to be perfect in everything she does has left her feeling drained and completely exhausted. I asked her what would happen if she were not perfect in all she does. Would she be any less deserving of love and belonging? She thought for a moment and then slowly shook her head “no.”

There is nothing wrong with striving to do your best at work and in your relationships, but no one should expect you to be perfect. Perfection is unattainable. Perfection is boring. We are not loved because we are perfect. We are loved because we are perfectly imperfect. It is our imperfections that make us human. No one is perfect, yet we so often expect ourselves to be perfect. We sometimes demand too much of ourselves. All we can do is out best, and that is enough.

In striving to do more, be more, to do everything perfectly, we set ourselves up for failure. We cannot be perfect in all we do. Striving for perfection is, in a way, a form of self-sabotage. Do those of us who strive for perfection think we will be more worthy if we attain the unattainable? What does it mean if we do not reach perfection? Can we learn to love ourselves even though we are not perfect? Can we accept ourselves as the wonderfully made, beautifully flawed creatures that we are?

I am not suggesting that we strive for mediocrity. Absolutely, try to do your best for yourself and for others, but remember that nothing in life is perfect. Doing more, working more, will not make you perfect. We were not born to be human doings, we were born to be human beings and human beings are not perfect. We never were meant to be.

What can yo do today to show yourself some love simply for being human, for being wonderful and flawed and still worthy of love and belonging? What would happen if you just loved yourself for simply being human?