What strange times we are living in. For so many people, the year 2020 has been a mixture of bad and good. For so many people, the year 2020 has meant feeling the gamut of emotions from awful to elated. Many people do not know what to do with those feelings.

So many of us these days are finding ourselves struggling because of the COVID-19 pandemic. So many of us these days are finding ourselves feeling things we never may have felt before. Depression, loneliness, anxiety, isolation on the negative end. Calmness, peace, happiness on the positive end. And everything in between. Many of the people I am working with cannot seem to determine exactly what they are feeling. Many are struggling to find a way to name their feelings. Still others cannot seem to allow themselves to feel at all, numbing their emotions with marijuana or alcohol or other substances.

What happens when we do not allow ourselves to feel? What happens when we work hard to “fix” our feelings? What happens when we do not allow ourselves to acknowledge our feelings, be they positive or negative? What happens when we forbid ourselves to sit with our feelings? More often than not, when we disregard our feelings for a long period of time, we become detached from ourselves, losing who we really are. More often than not, when we disregard our feelings, we become numb.

For many people, the very idea of allowing ourselves to feel emotions is at the very least challenging. We may have received messages when we were young that negative emotions were bad and needed to be changed to positive emotions. For instance, perhaps you grew up hearing that feeling angry or sad was not allowed in your family. Perhaps you were told or somehow came to the understanding that feeling anxiety or trepidation was not allowed in your family. You may have internalized the message that feeling any kind of negative emotion was bad and must be “fixed.” You may not have been allowed to feel anything but happy when you were a child. Internalizing the message that only positive emotions were allowed may have left you unable to sit with any kind of negative emotion and now, in the midst of a pandemic that has so many people feeling anxious, depressed, lonely and scared, you might not know what to do with those feelings.

Try to get at the root of why sitting with such feelings is so difficult. Naturally, sitting with such feelings can be uncomfortable. You may want to take steps to “fix” or change those feelings, to numb them. But when you numb the negative feelings, it is likely you will end up numbing the positive feelings, as well. This might leave you feeling flat or nothing at all.

As we continue to navigate this pandemic, you might find yourself overwhelmed by your feelings or overcome with emotion. I encourage you to take a few minutes to sit quietly with those feelings be they positive or negative. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling. Having negative emotions does not make you a bad person. We all experience sadness, anxiety and anger from time to time. This does not make you defective. This makes you human. And as a human being, you are entitled to your emotions, be they positive or negative.

If you are having trouble navigating this pandemic, if you find yourself overwhelmed with emotions you cannot seem to name, reach out to a trusted other or mental health professional. These are challenging times. It is okay to ask for help trying to determine exactly what you are feeling. It takes more courage to ask for help than it does to suffer in silence.

It has been a very strange year so far. For so many people, the year 2020 has meant a loss of work, a disconnect from friends, family and other loved ones. This year has meant spending many hours alone at home for so many people. This year has left many people wanting what at first blush feels like attention but what may, in fact, be a longing for connection. But how do you satisfy that need when many of us still are in some kind of quarantine?

One of the things I frequently find myself encouraging clients to do is really get in touch with what they truly are feeling. You may think what you need is attention but what you really may be craving is a conversation with a loved one or physical touch from your partner or family member or friend. What may at first seem like a need for attention may be something deeper. It may be that you are feeling lonely, disconnected and in need of human contact. Stop for a moment when you feel compelled to post on social media seeking “likes” and really ponder what it is you are needing in that moment. Instead of seeking attention via social media, can you reach out to a friend or loved one? Can you make a call, send a text or arrange a video chat? Are you comfortable meeting in person? Think about what you really need in that moment.

So many of us are struggling right now with feeling disconnected from our people even though the area in which you live may have lifted restrictions on gatherings. You may be at a point where your comfort level is such that you feel okay meeting a few people in person while practicing social distancing. Reach out to your people and see if they might be able to meet with you for an hour or so in a responsible way. If you or they cannot meet in person, perhaps arrange a video chat. Do what you need to do to fulfill your need for connection.

This pandemic has left many of us feeling alone and lonely. I am seeing so many people who are feeling desperate for connection, desperate for human interaction. This is normal. As humans, we are wired for connection and belonging.

This longing for connection may have you feeling anxious. If so, think about ways you might calm yourself. Can you go for a walk, run or bike ride? Can you get out in nature? Can you read a good book or watch a movie? What coping skills can you employ to ease your anxiety? Can you practice deep breathing by breathing in for four seconds, holding your breath for four seconds, exhaling for four seconds and holding your breath again? I have found this breathing technique very calming.

It is important during these uncertain times to take care of yourself physically and emotionally. If are having trouble getting in touch with your feelings, if you are feeling overwhelmed by your feelings, reach out to a trusted other or mental health professional. And if you are starved for connection, reach out to your people. Chances are, they are longing for connection, too.

I saw something the other day that made me think long and hard about what this time of COVID-19 is offering us all. Namely, a chance to slow down and re-examine what we want our lives to look like and who we want to be on the other side of this. Perhaps the world has slowed so we can rediscover who we are and who we want to be.

I have been working with several clients in recent weeks who have been furloughed because of the pandemic and have found that without their work, they really are not sure who they are. Their work has become who they are and now, without that, they are not sure who they are. So many of us identify ourselves by our jobs and without that come to question who we are. But we are so much more than what we do for a living. I have asked each of these folks to describe themselves for me and each has come up with words such as kind, caring, compassionate, thoughtful, loyal and smart. None of my clients have actually described themselves by what they do for a living.

Perhaps by describing themselves with adjectives such as kind, caring, compassionate, thoughtful, loyal and smart, they can get a better idea of who they really are and who they want to be. Perhaps they want to be more of these things. Perhaps this time of COVID-19 is allowing them to be more of these things.

So many of the people I am working with feel they have lost themselves since the pandemic started. I wonder if, in fact, they are rediscovering who they are before work took over their lives. I wonder if, in fact, they are finding themselves to be more of who they really are. Or, perhaps they are learning who they want to be.

We can use this time of uncertainty to really examine our lives and ourselves and I encourage my clients to do just that. Perhaps now more than ever we can take the time to think about what really matters to us, who really matters to us. Perhaps now more than ever we can take the time to think about what really is important to us, what makes our lives better and what we can rid ourselves of.

What are you learning about yourself during this time of uncertainty? Have you found yourself reaching out to some people more than others? Have you found yourself distancing yourself from people who you no longer enjoy? Have you found yourself participating in activities you might not have had time for before the pandemic? Have you found yourself employing new coping skills to manage symptoms of depression and anxiety? Have you found yourself more resilient that perhaps you thought you were? What is this time of COVID-19 teaching you about yourself?

Many of us may feel that if we are not working, we need to busy ourselves with tasks and projects in order to stay productive. But there is nothing wrong with taking time to just be. After all, we are human beings not human doings. What I am finding with my clients, and indeed about myself, is that this time of uncertainty is teaching people who and what is important in their lives. What is important to you? I think this time can allow us to slow down and reconsider what really matters to us, if we allow it to do so.

What can you do with this time of uncertainty? Can you allow yourself to take the time to learn about yourself, to determine who you are and who you want to be when this is over? Can you allow yourself to just be?

We are four months into the COVID-19 pandemic in the United States, a health crisis of epic proportions the likes of which most of us never have seen before. Even as many states are loosening shelter-in-place restrictions, many of us are experiencing an increase in loneliness, depression and anxiety. Many of us are wondering just how much more of this we can take. Many of us are wondering just how much longer we will be in the midst of this storm.

Thinking about the pandemic as a storm reminded me of a quote by Haruki Murakami from “Kafka on the Shore” that really resonated with me: “When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”

This quote really leaves me thinking about who I want to be after this pandemic is over. Who do I want to be when things return to “normal,” whatever “normal” looks like then? What do I want my life to look like when this storm passes?

Storms can allow us to take time to reflect on any number of things. While sometimes keeping us inside, storms can allow us time to slow down and think about what things in our lives we might want to change, what things about ourselves we might want to work on. What is this pandemic teaching you about yourself? Perhaps the goings-on of today are teaching you to take time to practice self-care in ways you never may have considered previously. Perhaps this pandemic is teaching you what really matters in your life. Perhaps this global health crisis is teaching you who really matters in your life, what relationships are important to you and why.

There are different ways we can look at storms. Some may choose to think of storms as disruptive, disturbing the peace of our lives. Others may choose to think of storms as a way to clear clutter from our lives and allow us to take a new path. Storms can try us, but they also can teach us about ourselves. What are you learning about yourself during this particular storm? Who are you becoming during this time?

Perhaps you are becoming more resilient during this storm. Perhaps you are learning that you are stronger than you thought you were. Perhaps you are learning that it is okay to reach out for help during these trying times. That in itself tells me that you are strong. It takes more courage to ask for help than it does to suffer in silence.

This storm—this pandemic—may be taking a toll on you. But if you look at this time of uncertainty as an opportunity to learn and grow, you might just come out of this as the person you always were meant to be. What you do with this time is entirely up to you. You can choose to remain the same or you can choose to use this time to become the best version of you. Whatever you choose, own your choice. It is your choices that determine the direction of your life.

We are living in uncertain times. First, the global pandemic of COVID-19 left people feeling frightened of becoming ill and feeling trapped in their homes. Now, the unrest stemming from the deaths of unarmed African Americans has left people feeling outraged and fearing for one’s safety.

Many people are struggling to find the words to describe exactly what they are feeling and many people are so overwhelmed, they cannot even begin to put a finger on exactly what they are feeling. So many words come to mind: overwhelmed, paralyzed, frightened, frustrated, outraged, trapped, sad, demoralized. Now is the time to try to get in touch with your feelings and take care of your mental health.

But how can you take care of your mental health when you are not sure exactly what it is you are feeling? Reach out to a trusted mental health professional. Many clinicians continue to meet via telehealth or telephone and also are starting to offer in-person sessions again. If that seems like too much, there are things you can do to take care of you.

One of the things I am encouraging people to do during these tumultuous times is to limit their social media and news consumption. While I understand that desire to stay abreast of what is happening with the pandemic and the protests, know when enough is enough. When you start seeing the same news repeatedly, perhaps take a break from reading or watching. When social media starts getting to you, walk away. The news and your social media feed will be there tomorrow. I recommend limiting your social media and news feed time to 30 minutes or less per day.

Another thing to do is practice your coping skills. Can you take some time to listen to uplifting music? Watch a movie? Read a book? Color? Paint? Exercise? What can you do to make yourself feel better during these difficult times? Can you reach out to a friend or family member via text, telephone or video chat? Now may be the perfect time to share your feelings about what is going on with a trusted other.

If you feel compelled to join a protest, please do so peacefully. Please be thoughtful of others who may also be outraged or hurting or frustrated during these challenging times. Please do not turn to violence or destruction of property or looting. The answer to violence never should be more violence. And, if you want to join a protest, please stay safe and wear a mask not just to protect yourself, but to protect others from the coronavirus.

These are challenging times. Some of us may not know what to do or say or think. But we must take care of ourselves the best we can. If you find yourself struggling, if you find yourself overwhelmed, know that it is okay to reach out for help. You are not alone. There are people who want to help you navigate these times. Help is only a phone call away.

While we continue to quarantine during the COVID-19 pandemic, practicing social distancing and self-isolation I have been thinking a lot about loneliness and how that sensation impacts our lives. I recently have been working with several people who live with substance use disorders and it occurs to me that some of them report lapses or relapses that can be tied almost directly to loneliness.

I also have seen in recent weeks an increase of social media posts about people using alcohol and marijuana to manage during the pandemic. I see people posting about indulging in quarantine cocktails and marijuana edibles to self-medicate during this challenging time.

I also am reading Vivek Murthy’s book “Together,” which is about the science of loneliness and how humans are wired for connection. In it, he links loneliness to addiction. All these things reminded me of a great TEDTalk that posits that everything we know about addiction is wrong. Here is the link to that talk:

What if the solution to substance use disorders is not simply abstinence but connection to others? Certainly, to free oneself of the shackles of addiction, one must stop using drugs, but perhaps there is more to recovery than simply not using.

One of the people I am working with told me just yesterday that one of the reasons she uses cocaine is because she is bored and lonely. She had moved to the area from another state and has not yet formed a friend group here. Her parents live far away from her and her partner frequently is not home. Perhaps if she were to forge better relationships—stronger connections—she could find her way to sobriety with the help of social supports.

Another of the people I am working with recently relapsed with alcohol after a friend ghosted him. He told me that he has been increasingly isolated and lonely because of the pandemic we are facing. Perhaps had he had stronger connections, he might not have relapsed.

Is the answer to addiction connection? While connection might not be the only answer to addiction, I suspect connection can play a huge role in recovery. Perhaps that is why 12-step groups like AA or NA work so well for so many people.

With so many people turning to alcohol and other substances during this pandemic, I wonder how close some folks are to triggering their own addiction. While not everyone who indulges in a daily cocktail or edible will become addicted to alcohol or marijuana, there is that risk. Perhaps instead of reaching for that cocktail or pot-laced brownie, you might consider reaching for the phone and calling or texting a friend or family member?

If you find yourself wondering if you are drinking too much or using drugs problematically, reach out. Call a friend or family member. Set up an appointment with a mental health professional. Find an AA or NA meeting. There are people who can help you find your way to sobriety. There are people who care.

Yesterday, feeling a bit disconnected in the midst of the global health crisis that is the COVID-19 pandemic I started reading Vivek H. Murthy, MD’s book “Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World.” Just one chapter in and I see not just myself in this book but so many others, as well.

So many of us are feeling lonely, disconnected and alone during this time of quarantine. So many of us are longing for connection. So many of us are feeling isolated. While we may be able to reach out to our loved ones via phone calls, text messages and video chats, these things do not completely replace being in physical presence with our family and friends. It helps, but still is not the same.

My hope is that we can be with our loved ones soon. Until then, this may be a good time to think about what you really are missing when not with those you love. Feeling lonely and isolated can mean so many things, but perhaps what is happening is that we are feeling unheard and unseen, disconnected emotionally. Loneliness often means that our emotional needs are not being met, that we are not being seen for our true selves. But, how do we fix this when we cannot be with those we love, our dearest friends and family?

I wonder if part of the answer is to allow ourselves to be vulnerable. What might happen if we reached out to our loved ones and told them exactly what we are feeling? What might happen if we told our loved ones that we are feeling isolated, unheard and unseen? What might happen if were to tell our loved ones that we are feeling fragile, frightened and fearful? For so many of us, our first response to those questions may be to say we might be rejected and then left feeling even more alone. But, what if our loved ones were to respond that they are feeling the same way? My suspicion is that many of us are feeling this way but that because of the fear of being rejected, we do not share our true feelings.

It takes a lot of courage to allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Vulnerability feels scary, largely in part because we do not want to be rejected. Being rejected makes us feel even more isolated and alone. But I believe that many of us are feeling somewhat frightened right now because of the pandemic. Many of us are feeling uncertainty about what is going on and what the future may hold. Many of us are longing for some kind of normal, whatever normal means to us. What might happen if we allowed ourselves to be fully seen and heard and voiced those concerns? Perhaps we might forge stronger connections with those we love. Perhaps we might come to a better understanding not just of ourselves but of our loved ones.

While we continue to shelter in place for at least a few more weeks, think about ways you can connect with others on an emotional level if you are feeling lonely. Think about what you truly are feeling and summon the courage to share those feelings with trusted others. I suspect you will find that you are, in fact, not alone in feeling the way you do. I suspect many of us are feeling the same way. I know I am.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In the past few weeks, I have started listening to a couple of podcasts that have really resonated with me not just as a mental health professional but as a human being trying to navigate the sometimes challenging feelings that I am confronted with because of COVID-19. I have found these podcasts helpful on many levels as I try to get in touch with what I am feeling about what I am feeling.

So many of us are feeling so many things, often all at once. I, like many people, feel sadness tinged with hope that someday things will return to some kind of normal. I, like many people, am feeling both taxed and wanting to give back during these challenging times. I , like many people, am feeling frustrated but grateful.

With everything going on right now, many of us may be feeling a combination of bad and good feelings and that is okay. We do not have to stuff the bad feelings away in an effort to try to remain positive about what is happening in the world right now. It is okay to sit with those bad or negative emotions and feelings, and be curious and compassionate about them. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you may be feeling, good and bad.

Both Brene Brown and Susan David have been talking about feelings in their podcasts and I highly recommend both. Brene Brown’s recently talked about giving yourself permission to feel in her Unlocking Us podcast while Susan David speaks about allowing yourself to feel negative emotions. Here is the link to Susan David’s talk:

 

 

 

David’s talk is only about 15 minutes if you have the time to check in with yourself and what you really are feeling. With everything going on and society’s relentless need to tell us that we have to remain positive, it can be difficult to allow yourself permission to feel what you really may be feeling, including sad, hopeless, frustrated or angry. All of those negative feelings are valid and it is okay to have those feelings.

While there is something to be said for trying to remain positive when the world seemingly has turned upside down, there also is something in allowing yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling. You are not a bad person for having negative emotions; that simply makes you human. If you are having difficulty managing those negative feelings, now may be a good time to reach out to someone to talk about your feelings, be that a friend, family member or mental health professional.

You are not alone in feeling both good and bad emotions in this pandemic. So many of us are feeling conflicting emotions about what is going on right now. Whatever you are feeling is valid and you are entitled to your emotions. Allow yourself to sit with both the good and bad feelings. Offer yourself compassion for feeling sad, angry or frustrated. Offer yourself compassion for being human.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Since the outbreak of COVID-19 and the ensuing uncertainty and chaos, I frequently have found myself wondering how this is changing our realities and what meaning can come out of all of this. I frequently have found myself wondering what this global pandemic is teaching me. I hope that it is teaching me to be a better person, a better human.

In my work as an outpatient mental health counselor, I have been helping a fellow who feels that since the shelter-in-place order was issued that his life is now on hold. I repeatedly have urged him to find ways to take care of himself, of his physical and mental health. Today we spoke at some length of how this pandemic is changing our lives, how it likely will mean a new normal and how we can find meaning in everything that is happening. We spoke about how this pandemic can offer everyone a chance to decide who they want to be when this is all over.

Everyone deals with chaos and catastrophe, panic and uncertainty in his own way. My hope is that through all of is, we find our purpose. My hope is that through all of this we find meaning in our lives. My hope is that this pandemic teaches us who and what is important to us.

We have options in all of this. One option is to throw in the towel, find a comfy place on the sofa, eat Oreos and just camp out until some kind of normal returns. Or, we can take charge of our lives and work on becoming who we always were meant to be. We can take this time of chaos and catastrophe to discover and determine who we really want to be, who we really are. My hope is that you choose the latter. My hope is that you take some time during all of this to decide who you want to be and work on becoming that person.

Of course, the question is, how to do this? How do you come out of this a better person? The person you always were meant to be? There are options. One is finding a way to give back to your community. Can you volunteer in some way? Can you donate meals, time or money to help those in need? Can you offer to pick up groceries for an elderly or at-risk neighbor? Can you find an online community with whom to connect, be it a church group, book club, AA group or NAMI online support group? Another way to work on becoming who you want to be is to take some time to write down on a piece of paper what you want your life to look like when this is all over. What matters to you? What are your values? Who is important to you? What sorts of things can you do to take care of your mental and physical health? What activities do you enjoy and how can you incorporate those into your daily life?

One of the things that this pandemic has taught me so far is who and what is important to me. I frequently am reminded that there are some things in life that are important to me: my health, the health of my spouse, family and friends, connection to those I love and cherish. What is important to you? How can you make sure those you love and care about know they are important to you? What really matters in your life? Are there things, be they material objects or people, you can rid yourself of to free up space in your head and heart for people and things that really matter? Perhaps this pandemic is teaching you who you really need in your life and why.

This time of quarantine can be meaningful if you allow it to. You can find meaning and purpose through all of this if you allow yourself the opportunity to take some time to discover who you are, what is important to you, what really matters. When this is all over and some new normal comes into existence, who do you want to be? My hope is that you want to be a better version of yourself, a healthier, happier person whose life is full of meaning and purpose.

This is hard, this quarantine during COVID-19. So many of us are struggling to make it through yet another day at home, struggling to maintain some semblance of normal or perhaps are trying to create a new normal. So many of us are struggling just to keep it together. In a time when the days seem to be blending together, when we might not even know what day it is anymore, it can be difficult to take time to take care of yourself.

As we end yet another week of social distancing, I see so many people posting on social media about eating and drinking more, abandoning any kind of sleep hygiene and neglecting to take care of their bodies and that leaves me concerned. While I understand how difficult it can be to take care of yourself when you also are trying to work from home, manage kids’ remote learning and put food on the table, it is important to remember that it still is important to take care of yourself.

Some people may be wondering what point there is in taking care of yourself during all of this? What does it really matter if I eat healthy and exercise, maintain good sleep/wake schedules and practice good hygiene when the world has turned upside down? Why should I bother to put on pants when I am not leaving the house? Those are valid issues. But, it also is important to remember that if you fail to take care of you, it will be more difficult to take care of your loved ones.

I urge you to continue to prepare healthy meals, stay hydrated, exercise when you can and get good sleep. I know this may be especially difficult during these challenging times. Still, I am reminded of something I read: If you don’t take care of your body, where are you going to live?

Now is not the time to indulge more in unhealthy food and alcohol and drugs. Doing so not only will ultimately make you feel worse in the long run, but drinking or using drugs more often easily could put you at risk for developing a substance abuse problem. I understand the desire to make yourself feel better about the pandemic, but using alcohol or other drugs more likely could cause all kinds of trouble.

I know it seems as though we have been in quarantine for what seems like forever already and it may seem as though this may never end. My hope is that it will and that if we continue to take good care of ourselves. we all will come out of this with our health. If we practice good habits now, it will be easier to stay on track once things return to normal. The more we go off the rails, the harder it will be to get ourselves back on track. So, take care of you the best you can during these challenging times.