We are four months into the COVID-19 pandemic in the United States, a health crisis of epic proportions the likes of which most of us never have seen before. Even as many states are loosening shelter-in-place restrictions, many of us are experiencing an increase in loneliness, depression and anxiety. Many of us are wondering just how much more of this we can take. Many of us are wondering just how much longer we will be in the midst of this storm.

Thinking about the pandemic as a storm reminded me of a quote by Haruki Murakami from “Kafka on the Shore” that really resonated with me: “When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”

This quote really leaves me thinking about who I want to be after this pandemic is over. Who do I want to be when things return to “normal,” whatever “normal” looks like then? What do I want my life to look like when this storm passes?

Storms can allow us to take time to reflect on any number of things. While sometimes keeping us inside, storms can allow us time to slow down and think about what things in our lives we might want to change, what things about ourselves we might want to work on. What is this pandemic teaching you about yourself? Perhaps the goings-on of today are teaching you to take time to practice self-care in ways you never may have considered previously. Perhaps this pandemic is teaching you what really matters in your life. Perhaps this global health crisis is teaching you who really matters in your life, what relationships are important to you and why.

There are different ways we can look at storms. Some may choose to think of storms as disruptive, disturbing the peace of our lives. Others may choose to think of storms as a way to clear clutter from our lives and allow us to take a new path. Storms can try us, but they also can teach us about ourselves. What are you learning about yourself during this particular storm? Who are you becoming during this time?

Perhaps you are becoming more resilient during this storm. Perhaps you are learning that you are stronger than you thought you were. Perhaps you are learning that it is okay to reach out for help during these trying times. That in itself tells me that you are strong. It takes more courage to ask for help than it does to suffer in silence.

This storm—this pandemic—may be taking a toll on you. But if you look at this time of uncertainty as an opportunity to learn and grow, you might just come out of this as the person you always were meant to be. What you do with this time is entirely up to you. You can choose to remain the same or you can choose to use this time to become the best version of you. Whatever you choose, own your choice. It is your choices that determine the direction of your life.

We are living in uncertain times. First, the global pandemic of COVID-19 left people feeling frightened of becoming ill and feeling trapped in their homes. Now, the unrest stemming from the deaths of unarmed African Americans has left people feeling outraged and fearing for one’s safety.

Many people are struggling to find the words to describe exactly what they are feeling and many people are so overwhelmed, they cannot even begin to put a finger on exactly what they are feeling. So many words come to mind: overwhelmed, paralyzed, frightened, frustrated, outraged, trapped, sad, demoralized. Now is the time to try to get in touch with your feelings and take care of your mental health.

But how can you take care of your mental health when you are not sure exactly what it is you are feeling? Reach out to a trusted mental health professional. Many clinicians continue to meet via telehealth or telephone and also are starting to offer in-person sessions again. If that seems like too much, there are things you can do to take care of you.

One of the things I am encouraging people to do during these tumultuous times is to limit their social media and news consumption. While I understand that desire to stay abreast of what is happening with the pandemic and the protests, know when enough is enough. When you start seeing the same news repeatedly, perhaps take a break from reading or watching. When social media starts getting to you, walk away. The news and your social media feed will be there tomorrow. I recommend limiting your social media and news feed time to 30 minutes or less per day.

Another thing to do is practice your coping skills. Can you take some time to listen to uplifting music? Watch a movie? Read a book? Color? Paint? Exercise? What can you do to make yourself feel better during these difficult times? Can you reach out to a friend or family member via text, telephone or video chat? Now may be the perfect time to share your feelings about what is going on with a trusted other.

If you feel compelled to join a protest, please do so peacefully. Please be thoughtful of others who may also be outraged or hurting or frustrated during these challenging times. Please do not turn to violence or destruction of property or looting. The answer to violence never should be more violence. And, if you want to join a protest, please stay safe and wear a mask not just to protect yourself, but to protect others from the coronavirus.

These are challenging times. Some of us may not know what to do or say or think. But we must take care of ourselves the best we can. If you find yourself struggling, if you find yourself overwhelmed, know that it is okay to reach out for help. You are not alone. There are people who want to help you navigate these times. Help is only a phone call away.

While we continue to quarantine during the COVID-19 pandemic, practicing social distancing and self-isolation I have been thinking a lot about loneliness and how that sensation impacts our lives. I recently have been working with several people who live with substance use disorders and it occurs to me that some of them report lapses or relapses that can be tied almost directly to loneliness.

I also have seen in recent weeks an increase of social media posts about people using alcohol and marijuana to manage during the pandemic. I see people posting about indulging in quarantine cocktails and marijuana edibles to self-medicate during this challenging time.

I also am reading Vivek Murthy’s book “Together,” which is about the science of loneliness and how humans are wired for connection. In it, he links loneliness to addiction. All these things reminded me of a great TEDTalk that posits that everything we know about addiction is wrong. Here is the link to that talk:

What if the solution to substance use disorders is not simply abstinence but connection to others? Certainly, to free oneself of the shackles of addiction, one must stop using drugs, but perhaps there is more to recovery than simply not using.

One of the people I am working with told me just yesterday that one of the reasons she uses cocaine is because she is bored and lonely. She had moved to the area from another state and has not yet formed a friend group here. Her parents live far away from her and her partner frequently is not home. Perhaps if she were to forge better relationships—stronger connections—she could find her way to sobriety with the help of social supports.

Another of the people I am working with recently relapsed with alcohol after a friend ghosted him. He told me that he has been increasingly isolated and lonely because of the pandemic we are facing. Perhaps had he had stronger connections, he might not have relapsed.

Is the answer to addiction connection? While connection might not be the only answer to addiction, I suspect connection can play a huge role in recovery. Perhaps that is why 12-step groups like AA or NA work so well for so many people.

With so many people turning to alcohol and other substances during this pandemic, I wonder how close some folks are to triggering their own addiction. While not everyone who indulges in a daily cocktail or edible will become addicted to alcohol or marijuana, there is that risk. Perhaps instead of reaching for that cocktail or pot-laced brownie, you might consider reaching for the phone and calling or texting a friend or family member?

If you find yourself wondering if you are drinking too much or using drugs problematically, reach out. Call a friend or family member. Set up an appointment with a mental health professional. Find an AA or NA meeting. There are people who can help you find your way to sobriety. There are people who care.

Yesterday, feeling a bit disconnected in the midst of the global health crisis that is the COVID-19 pandemic I started reading Vivek H. Murthy, MD’s book “Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World.” Just one chapter in and I see not just myself in this book but so many others, as well.

So many of us are feeling lonely, disconnected and alone during this time of quarantine. So many of us are longing for connection. So many of us are feeling isolated. While we may be able to reach out to our loved ones via phone calls, text messages and video chats, these things do not completely replace being in physical presence with our family and friends. It helps, but still is not the same.

My hope is that we can be with our loved ones soon. Until then, this may be a good time to think about what you really are missing when not with those you love. Feeling lonely and isolated can mean so many things, but perhaps what is happening is that we are feeling unheard and unseen, disconnected emotionally. Loneliness often means that our emotional needs are not being met, that we are not being seen for our true selves. But, how do we fix this when we cannot be with those we love, our dearest friends and family?

I wonder if part of the answer is to allow ourselves to be vulnerable. What might happen if we reached out to our loved ones and told them exactly what we are feeling? What might happen if we told our loved ones that we are feeling isolated, unheard and unseen? What might happen if were to tell our loved ones that we are feeling fragile, frightened and fearful? For so many of us, our first response to those questions may be to say we might be rejected and then left feeling even more alone. But, what if our loved ones were to respond that they are feeling the same way? My suspicion is that many of us are feeling this way but that because of the fear of being rejected, we do not share our true feelings.

It takes a lot of courage to allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Vulnerability feels scary, largely in part because we do not want to be rejected. Being rejected makes us feel even more isolated and alone. But I believe that many of us are feeling somewhat frightened right now because of the pandemic. Many of us are feeling uncertainty about what is going on and what the future may hold. Many of us are longing for some kind of normal, whatever normal means to us. What might happen if we allowed ourselves to be fully seen and heard and voiced those concerns? Perhaps we might forge stronger connections with those we love. Perhaps we might come to a better understanding not just of ourselves but of our loved ones.

While we continue to shelter in place for at least a few more weeks, think about ways you can connect with others on an emotional level if you are feeling lonely. Think about what you truly are feeling and summon the courage to share those feelings with trusted others. I suspect you will find that you are, in fact, not alone in feeling the way you do. I suspect many of us are feeling the same way. I know I am.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In the past few weeks, I have started listening to a couple of podcasts that have really resonated with me not just as a mental health professional but as a human being trying to navigate the sometimes challenging feelings that I am confronted with because of COVID-19. I have found these podcasts helpful on many levels as I try to get in touch with what I am feeling about what I am feeling.

So many of us are feeling so many things, often all at once. I, like many people, feel sadness tinged with hope that someday things will return to some kind of normal. I, like many people, am feeling both taxed and wanting to give back during these challenging times. I , like many people, am feeling frustrated but grateful.

With everything going on right now, many of us may be feeling a combination of bad and good feelings and that is okay. We do not have to stuff the bad feelings away in an effort to try to remain positive about what is happening in the world right now. It is okay to sit with those bad or negative emotions and feelings, and be curious and compassionate about them. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you may be feeling, good and bad.

Both Brene Brown and Susan David have been talking about feelings in their podcasts and I highly recommend both. Brene Brown’s recently talked about giving yourself permission to feel in her Unlocking Us podcast while Susan David speaks about allowing yourself to feel negative emotions. Here is the link to Susan David’s talk:

 

 

 

David’s talk is only about 15 minutes if you have the time to check in with yourself and what you really are feeling. With everything going on and society’s relentless need to tell us that we have to remain positive, it can be difficult to allow yourself permission to feel what you really may be feeling, including sad, hopeless, frustrated or angry. All of those negative feelings are valid and it is okay to have those feelings.

While there is something to be said for trying to remain positive when the world seemingly has turned upside down, there also is something in allowing yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling. You are not a bad person for having negative emotions; that simply makes you human. If you are having difficulty managing those negative feelings, now may be a good time to reach out to someone to talk about your feelings, be that a friend, family member or mental health professional.

You are not alone in feeling both good and bad emotions in this pandemic. So many of us are feeling conflicting emotions about what is going on right now. Whatever you are feeling is valid and you are entitled to your emotions. Allow yourself to sit with both the good and bad feelings. Offer yourself compassion for feeling sad, angry or frustrated. Offer yourself compassion for being human.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Since the outbreak of COVID-19 and the ensuing uncertainty and chaos, I frequently have found myself wondering how this is changing our realities and what meaning can come out of all of this. I frequently have found myself wondering what this global pandemic is teaching me. I hope that it is teaching me to be a better person, a better human.

In my work as an outpatient mental health counselor, I have been helping a fellow who feels that since the shelter-in-place order was issued that his life is now on hold. I repeatedly have urged him to find ways to take care of himself, of his physical and mental health. Today we spoke at some length of how this pandemic is changing our lives, how it likely will mean a new normal and how we can find meaning in everything that is happening. We spoke about how this pandemic can offer everyone a chance to decide who they want to be when this is all over.

Everyone deals with chaos and catastrophe, panic and uncertainty in his own way. My hope is that through all of is, we find our purpose. My hope is that through all of this we find meaning in our lives. My hope is that this pandemic teaches us who and what is important to us.

We have options in all of this. One option is to throw in the towel, find a comfy place on the sofa, eat Oreos and just camp out until some kind of normal returns. Or, we can take charge of our lives and work on becoming who we always were meant to be. We can take this time of chaos and catastrophe to discover and determine who we really want to be, who we really are. My hope is that you choose the latter. My hope is that you take some time during all of this to decide who you want to be and work on becoming that person.

Of course, the question is, how to do this? How do you come out of this a better person? The person you always were meant to be? There are options. One is finding a way to give back to your community. Can you volunteer in some way? Can you donate meals, time or money to help those in need? Can you offer to pick up groceries for an elderly or at-risk neighbor? Can you find an online community with whom to connect, be it a church group, book club, AA group or NAMI online support group? Another way to work on becoming who you want to be is to take some time to write down on a piece of paper what you want your life to look like when this is all over. What matters to you? What are your values? Who is important to you? What sorts of things can you do to take care of your mental and physical health? What activities do you enjoy and how can you incorporate those into your daily life?

One of the things that this pandemic has taught me so far is who and what is important to me. I frequently am reminded that there are some things in life that are important to me: my health, the health of my spouse, family and friends, connection to those I love and cherish. What is important to you? How can you make sure those you love and care about know they are important to you? What really matters in your life? Are there things, be they material objects or people, you can rid yourself of to free up space in your head and heart for people and things that really matter? Perhaps this pandemic is teaching you who you really need in your life and why.

This time of quarantine can be meaningful if you allow it to. You can find meaning and purpose through all of this if you allow yourself the opportunity to take some time to discover who you are, what is important to you, what really matters. When this is all over and some new normal comes into existence, who do you want to be? My hope is that you want to be a better version of yourself, a healthier, happier person whose life is full of meaning and purpose.

This is hard, this quarantine during COVID-19. So many of us are struggling to make it through yet another day at home, struggling to maintain some semblance of normal or perhaps are trying to create a new normal. So many of us are struggling just to keep it together. In a time when the days seem to be blending together, when we might not even know what day it is anymore, it can be difficult to take time to take care of yourself.

As we end yet another week of social distancing, I see so many people posting on social media about eating and drinking more, abandoning any kind of sleep hygiene and neglecting to take care of their bodies and that leaves me concerned. While I understand how difficult it can be to take care of yourself when you also are trying to work from home, manage kids’ remote learning and put food on the table, it is important to remember that it still is important to take care of yourself.

Some people may be wondering what point there is in taking care of yourself during all of this? What does it really matter if I eat healthy and exercise, maintain good sleep/wake schedules and practice good hygiene when the world has turned upside down? Why should I bother to put on pants when I am not leaving the house? Those are valid issues. But, it also is important to remember that if you fail to take care of you, it will be more difficult to take care of your loved ones.

I urge you to continue to prepare healthy meals, stay hydrated, exercise when you can and get good sleep. I know this may be especially difficult during these challenging times. Still, I am reminded of something I read: If you don’t take care of your body, where are you going to live?

Now is not the time to indulge more in unhealthy food and alcohol and drugs. Doing so not only will ultimately make you feel worse in the long run, but drinking or using drugs more often easily could put you at risk for developing a substance abuse problem. I understand the desire to make yourself feel better about the pandemic, but using alcohol or other drugs more likely could cause all kinds of trouble.

I know it seems as though we have been in quarantine for what seems like forever already and it may seem as though this may never end. My hope is that it will and that if we continue to take good care of ourselves. we all will come out of this with our health. If we practice good habits now, it will be easier to stay on track once things return to normal. The more we go off the rails, the harder it will be to get ourselves back on track. So, take care of you the best you can during these challenging times.

 

 

 

I find myself sitting here thinking this Easter Sunday morning of all the people for whom this is a very special day. I find myself thinking about all the people, myself included, who cannot be with their families, friends or church folk on this day. And I find myself feeling sadness, loss and a bit of grief over what COVID-19 has taken from all of us.

I recently listened to another episode of Brene Brown’s podcast, Unlocking Us, during which she speaks with grief expert David Kessler about grief and loss and I am reminded that what many of us may be feeling during this global health crisis is, indeed, loss. So many of us have lost a great deal since we have been ordered to shelter in place. Not only have we lost some semblance of normal, but many of us have lost jobs, physical human contact, going to school in person, loved ones to the virus and so many other things we may not even have realized until recently. It is okay to grieve those losses.

I have spoken about grief on this site previously. We all grieve in our own way. I am reminded that none of us grieves in exactly the same way. I urge you to be compassionate with your fellow humans as they maneuver this difficult time. Not everyone may be reacting to this pandemic the same way you are. Some people may be having more difficulty processing what they have lost right now. Now is not the time to judge how someone else is handling all of this. Now is the time to rise up in love and understanding and kindness toward your fellow humans. Now is the time to practice compassion.

Grief wears many different faces and none of us is to say how another grieves is right or wrong. We all go through the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, meaning making) in our own ways and in our own time. There is no timetable on grief, no expiration date. Grieve in your own way, at your own pace.

I will continue to urge you to reach out to your people via phone calls, text messages and/or video chats to stay connected. We are wired for connection and reaching out to those you love will help you maintain a sense of belonging. Reaching out to those you love will help you manage feelings of grief and loss. While we may not be able to be physically present with some of our family and friends, we can let those we love know not just that we love them, but that we need them. Tell your people how much they mean to you, that you care and that you are there for them.

And, if you find yourself needing extra support during these difficult times, reach out to a mental health professional. Many therapists, counselors and clinicians continue to meet with those in need in person, via video or by telephone during this time. Take care of you, of your feelings and emotions. Allow yourself time to grieve the loss of what once was.

 

 

Yesterday, feeling a bit overwhelmed by what seems a continuous onslaught of bad news about the global health crisis we are in, I took some time out to listen to a podcast by my social work hero, Brene Brown. In it, she urges us to remember that for many of us, this is our first pandemic and with that comes feelings of uncertainty. I think most of us can relate.

Brown talks about leaning into that uncertainty and all the other feelings you might be grappling with at this time. As a social worker myself, I have met with clients all of whom have had different reactions to COVID-19. Some of my clients are choosing to remain calm while others are in full panic mode. As Brown says in her podcast, it is important to recognize what you are feeling and name those feelings. By naming those feelings, we take back our power over those feelings.

It is perfectly okay to feel many different things all at once about this pandemic. Many of us are experiencing things we may never have felt before. And that, too, is okay. Our feelings may be changing frequently, by the hour, day or week. As we shelter in place for at least another month, our feelings of loneliness and isolation may be increasing. Recognize and name those feelings, and then deal with them. What can you do to stay connected to your people, your family and friends? Remembering that your loved ones are a phone call, video chat or text message away can help manage those feelings of loneliness and isolation.

It is perfectly okay to not know how to handle what is going on in the world right now. Many of us do not know what to tell our families, our children. This is all new for us. This is, for most of us, our first time dealing with anything like this. It is okay to not have all the answers. Lean into that discomfort and learn to accept uncertainty as these are most definitely uncertain times.

Whatever you are feeling is perfectly fine. You are entitled to your feelings. That being said, remember that feelings are just visitors; let them come and go. If you allow yourself to wallow in feelings of despair, loneliness or isolation, you run the risk of developing symptoms of depression and anxiety. Take time to take care of yourself. Practice good self-care. If you do not take care of yourself during this pandemic, it will be difficult to take care of those you love. Make some time for you, for your mental health and your physical health. You cannot pour from an empty cup.

Most of all, practice self-love and self-compassion. Allow yourself to feel without getting bogged down in your feelings. And, if you are feeling overwhelmed, reach out to a mental health professional. Many therapists and counselors continue to meet with people via telehealth or telephone, or even in person if you are not symptomatic. Reach out. There are people who want to help you get through this.

 

 

 

The world has changed, dramatically, in just a few short weeks. We find ourselves in the midst of a global health crisis that in the end, likely will affect all of us at some point. Everyone is reacting in his or her own way, feeling a gamut of emotions including everything from fear and panic to loneliness and depression and anxiety. Please be considerate of others’ feelings.

It also is important to continue to practice social distancing, perhaps even more so as COVID-19 spreads. That means staying safe not just for yourself, but for those you care about. That means staying at least six feet away from people as much as you reasonably can do so.

Yes, it likely feels disappointing that you cannot do some of the things you normally would do, such as attend sporting events, go on cruises, go to festivals and attend other gatherings. That may mean you cannot participate in group sports right now. But there is a reason for this: doing so can help slow the spread of coronavirus, protecting yourself and those you love.

For many people social distancing should mean no more running or walking groups, working from home as much as possible if reasonable for your profession, attending classes online, visiting friends or loved ones via Zoom, Skype or FaceTime instead of in person and cancelling or postponing conferences or large group meetings of any kind.

It seems as though no one is quite sure how long this pandemic will last or when things might return to “normal,” whatever “normal” means for you. In the meantime, be sure to practice good self-care and help others do the same. Get good sleep, eat healthy foods and exercise if you are able.

If you are struggling with feelings of anxiety or depression during these troubling times, reach out to a trusted mental health professional. Many clinicians are taking appointments via telehealth to help you through this crisis.