I find myself sitting here thinking this Easter Sunday morning of all the people for whom this is a very special day. I find myself thinking about all the people, myself included, who cannot be with their families, friends or church folk on this day. And I find myself feeling sadness, loss and a bit of grief over what COVID-19 has taken from all of us.

I recently listened to another episode of Brene Brown’s podcast, Unlocking Us, during which she speaks with grief expert David Kessler about grief and loss and I am reminded that what many of us may be feeling during this global health crisis is, indeed, loss. So many of us have lost a great deal since we have been ordered to shelter in place. Not only have we lost some semblance of normal, but many of us have lost jobs, physical human contact, going to school in person, loved ones to the virus and so many other things we may not even have realized until recently. It is okay to grieve those losses.

I have spoken about grief on this site previously. We all grieve in our own way. I am reminded that none of us grieves in exactly the same way. I urge you to be compassionate with your fellow humans as they maneuver this difficult time. Not everyone may be reacting to this pandemic the same way you are. Some people may be having more difficulty processing what they have lost right now. Now is not the time to judge how someone else is handling all of this. Now is the time to rise up in love and understanding and kindness toward your fellow humans. Now is the time to practice compassion.

Grief wears many different faces and none of us is to say how another grieves is right or wrong. We all go through the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, meaning making) in our own ways and in our own time. There is no timetable on grief, no expiration date. Grieve in your own way, at your own pace.

I will continue to urge you to reach out to your people via phone calls, text messages and/or video chats to stay connected. We are wired for connection and reaching out to those you love will help you maintain a sense of belonging. Reaching out to those you love will help you manage feelings of grief and loss. While we may not be able to be physically present with some of our family and friends, we can let those we love know not just that we love them, but that we need them. Tell your people how much they mean to you, that you care and that you are there for them.

And, if you find yourself needing extra support during these difficult times, reach out to a mental health professional. Many therapists, counselors and clinicians continue to meet with those in need in person, via video or by telephone during this time. Take care of you, of your feelings and emotions. Allow yourself time to grieve the loss of what once was.

 

 

Yesterday, feeling a bit overwhelmed by what seems a continuous onslaught of bad news about the global health crisis we are in, I took some time out to listen to a podcast by my social work hero, Brene Brown. In it, she urges us to remember that for many of us, this is our first pandemic and with that comes feelings of uncertainty. I think most of us can relate.

Brown talks about leaning into that uncertainty and all the other feelings you might be grappling with at this time. As a social worker myself, I have met with clients all of whom have had different reactions to COVID-19. Some of my clients are choosing to remain calm while others are in full panic mode. As Brown says in her podcast, it is important to recognize what you are feeling and name those feelings. By naming those feelings, we take back our power over those feelings.

It is perfectly okay to feel many different things all at once about this pandemic. Many of us are experiencing things we may never have felt before. And that, too, is okay. Our feelings may be changing frequently, by the hour, day or week. As we shelter in place for at least another month, our feelings of loneliness and isolation may be increasing. Recognize and name those feelings, and then deal with them. What can you do to stay connected to your people, your family and friends? Remembering that your loved ones are a phone call, video chat or text message away can help manage those feelings of loneliness and isolation.

It is perfectly okay to not know how to handle what is going on in the world right now. Many of us do not know what to tell our families, our children. This is all new for us. This is, for most of us, our first time dealing with anything like this. It is okay to not have all the answers. Lean into that discomfort and learn to accept uncertainty as these are most definitely uncertain times.

Whatever you are feeling is perfectly fine. You are entitled to your feelings. That being said, remember that feelings are just visitors; let them come and go. If you allow yourself to wallow in feelings of despair, loneliness or isolation, you run the risk of developing symptoms of depression and anxiety. Take time to take care of yourself. Practice good self-care. If you do not take care of yourself during this pandemic, it will be difficult to take care of those you love. Make some time for you, for your mental health and your physical health. You cannot pour from an empty cup.

Most of all, practice self-love and self-compassion. Allow yourself to feel without getting bogged down in your feelings. And, if you are feeling overwhelmed, reach out to a mental health professional. Many therapists and counselors continue to meet with people via telehealth or telephone, or even in person if you are not symptomatic. Reach out. There are people who want to help you get through this.

 

 

 

The world has changed, dramatically, in just a few short weeks. We find ourselves in the midst of a global health crisis that in the end, likely will affect all of us at some point. Everyone is reacting in his or her own way, feeling a gamut of emotions including everything from fear and panic to loneliness and depression and anxiety. Please be considerate of others’ feelings.

It also is important to continue to practice social distancing, perhaps even more so as COVID-19 spreads. That means staying safe not just for yourself, but for those you care about. That means staying at least six feet away from people as much as you reasonably can do so.

Yes, it likely feels disappointing that you cannot do some of the things you normally would do, such as attend sporting events, go on cruises, go to festivals and attend other gatherings. That may mean you cannot participate in group sports right now. But there is a reason for this: doing so can help slow the spread of coronavirus, protecting yourself and those you love.

For many people social distancing should mean no more running or walking groups, working from home as much as possible if reasonable for your profession, attending classes online, visiting friends or loved ones via Zoom, Skype or FaceTime instead of in person and cancelling or postponing conferences or large group meetings of any kind.

It seems as though no one is quite sure how long this pandemic will last or when things might return to “normal,” whatever “normal” means for you. In the meantime, be sure to practice good self-care and help others do the same. Get good sleep, eat healthy foods and exercise if you are able.

If you are struggling with feelings of anxiety or depression during these troubling times, reach out to a trusted mental health professional. Many clinicians are taking appointments via telehealth to help you through this crisis.

We are in the midst of a pandemic and many states now have issued shelter-at-home orders in an effort to combat the spread of COVID-19. For many of us, that means we may have lost our jobs, are working reduced hours or are working from home. For others, that means the end of school or finishing our semesters online. Many of us could be facing increased loneliness during these troubling times.

Having lost our jobs, working from home or moving to online classes likely means the loss of face-to-face, in-person human connection to some extent. It should be noted that for many people the shelter-at-home orders do not prohibit us from going to the grocery store, gas stations or banks. These orders do not prohibit us from going outside for a walk, run or bicycle ride. We should be mindful of keeping our distance from others, though, and the Centers for Disease Control continues to recommend that you stay six feet from others who may be contagious.

Many people who have been ordered to stay at home have families to be with, but some of us live alone and may become lonely and hunger for human connection. Research tells us that loneliness can lead to several mental health problems, including depression and anxiety. However, during these times there are things one can do to combat loneliness. Many people have computers with FaceTime, Skype or Google meet. Use these video chat platforms to reach out to your friends and family. Pick up the phone and call a loved one. Text your people and check in on them. Send a snail mail card or letter to let a friend or loved one know you are thinking about him or her. If you are estranged from a family member or friend, perhaps consider taking this time to mend fences.

Many colleges and universities are offering free or reduced-cost online courses or webinars during this time. Perhaps consider taking one of these courses that might allow you to interact with others.

If you are not symptomatic, consider helping those who might need extra help during this time. Check in on your elderly or infirm neighbors. Perhaps offer to run to the grocery store for those folks who cannot manage on their own. Consider picking up food at a restaurant that continues to offer curbside pickup for your neighbors who are struggling.

During this time, it is important to practice your coping skills, as well, whatever they may be. It also is important to practice good self-care. Do your best to take care of yourself and those you love. If you find yourself overwhelmed with feelings of anxiety, depression or loneliness, many mental health professionals are offering to meet via telehealth to help you through this troubling time. Reach out. There are people who care.

 

 

 

 

 

We are in the midst of a global health crisis, a pandemic of epic proportions the likes of which most of us have never seen in our lifetimes. For many, this is a time of increased anxiety as so many things seem out of our control. This may be the perfect time to either increase your practice of gratitude or to start practicing gratitude.

What, you may be asking, is there to be grateful for? If you stop for a moment, there are many things for which you can practice gratitude. Yes, you likely may be practicing social distancing, isolating at home but there in this digital era, there are many ways to stay connected with family and friends including video chats, texting and old-fashioned phone calls. There still is snail mail and our postal workers remain hard at work as of right now, delivering your mail. Be grateful for the chance to reach out to friends, family and loved ones you might normally only think about casually.

We can practice gratitude for the people who continue to report to work including our police officers and firefighters, our doctors and nurses, our plumbers, electricians, mechanics and construction workers. We can practice gratitude for the landscapers who still come to take care of our yards. We can practice gratitude for the city, state and federal workers who continue to make our government run as well as it can during these troubling times. We can practice gratitude for the grocery store workers who are trying to keep the shelves stocked so we may continue to nourish our bodies. We can practice gratitude for the radio disc jockeys who continue to fill our world with music. We can practice gratitude for the bus drivers and train conductors who continue to help us commute to our jobs.

We can practice gratitude for people who are working from home, including our teachers who are posting lessons online, our book publishers who are striving to keep our minds fed, our personal trainers who are posting workouts online, our social workers, therapists, psychologists and psychiatrists who are working to keep our minds healthy. We can practice gratitude for everyone who is choosing to work from home so as to lessen the risk of spreading COVID-19.

We can practice gratitude for our neighbors who are choosing to remain at home, helping to ensure that we may lessen our chances of contracting COVID-19.

Yes, there are many things that are out of our control right now, but you can practice gratitude for the things over which you still have control, including your reaction to what is happening in the world right now. You have the opportunity to choose how you respond to this crisis. You can choose to panic and go out and buy all the cleaning supplies and paper products, or you can choose to respond more calmly and purchase only what you truly need right now. Be grateful that you can choose how to respond to this crisis.

You may feel as though you are stuck at home with your family, your children as they await a possible return to school for the year. You can practice gratitude for the opportunity to spend more time with your family, time you perhaps might not normally have had.

Yes, these are trying times. But you can choose to catastrophize what is happening by panicking, or you can seize this opportunity to practice gratitude for all you continue to have. You can practice gratitude for this time as an opportunity to take better care of yourself, to learn about yourself and to spend more time with your loved ones, learning about them.

If you are struggling with the idea of practicing gratitude, if this situation simply seems too overwhelming, to anxiety-provoking, reach out to a trusted mental health professional. Many counselors, therapists and clinicians continue to take appointments in person, via video chat or by telephone.

 

 

 

With many people choosing to isolate, self-quarantine or practice social distancing, the idea of staying at home for a while may feel a bit daunting. Many people who find themselves at home for extended periods of time struggle with boredom, loneliness and eventual anxiety.

For those who are choosing or are forced to remain at home, here are some tips to avoid that boredom and loneliness and, perhaps, anxiety:

• Read a favorite book

• Binge watch your favorite television show

• Watch movies, new or classics

• Create your own spa day complete with candles and soothing music

• Give yourself a manicure or pedicure

• Play board games with your family

• Play online games (though perhaps not online gambling if that is a problem for you)

• Make your favorite meal and share it with your family

• Play cards

• Listen to your favorite album or other music

• Exercise at home using online videos

• Practice yoga

• Work crosswords or other mind games

• Work on a puzzle alone or with your family

• Video chat with friends or family

• Write old-fashioned, snail mail letters to family and friends and stamp with self-adhesive postage

• Go on online tours of a museum as several museums are offering such tours

• Plan a romantic, indoor date night with your significant other

• Play 20 Questions

• Give yourself a facial

• Practice deep breathing

• Make a blanket fort with your kids and tell ghost stories

It may be tempting to imbibe more than normal when practicing social distancing, but be wary of drowning your sorrows and anxieties about the world in alcohol or other substances. Doing so could result in problematic substance use and be harmful in the long run.

And remember, just because you are isolating at home does not mean you have to sit around lamenting the state of the world. If you do start to feel anxious, reach out to a trusted mental health professional. Many clinicians are taking telehealth or phone appointments at this time to help you through this crisis. Check with your insurance provider to ensure these services are covered.

 

 

We are in the midst of a pandemic now with coronavirus and many people are having increased anxiety because of this. It is important to remember that everyone is having their own reactions, feelings, concerns and anxieties about this. Please be mindful of others’ feelings when speaking about this. Many people are having increased anxiety because of this.

How do you manage your anxiety with something that can seem so out of control. Here are some tips:

• Limit your news and media consumption. While it is important to keep abreast of developments, also try to remember that obsessing over this will not help you keep your anxiety at bay. If you feel compelled to check to see what the latest news is, please look at reliable sources such as the CDC, the World Health Organization or your local health department. If you want to read the news, consider sources such as The Washington Post, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, The Chicago Tribune, The Associated Press or Reuters. These are trusted news sources.

• Keep yourself safe while considering others. Yes, it is important to have soap and hand sanitizer, but do consider how much you actually need and weigh that need against others’ needs. Please be mindful that the more you stock up or even hoard items such as soap, hand sanitizer, disinfecting wipes, toilet paper and food items in an effort to protect yourself, the fewer of those resources will be available for others who may need them, as well.

• Practice good hygiene by washing your hands and keeping your hands away from your face. Please do not hoard face masks if you are not symptomatic. Doing so easily could feed your fears and anxieties, as well as keep needed masks out of the hands of health care professionals who need them when working with ill patients.

• Remember your coping skills when your anxiety flares up. One of the best ways to manage anxiety and to protect yourself is to keep exercising. Exercise reduces anxiety and helps you maintain your health. If you are worried about going to the gym, perhaps consider walking, running or cycling alone outside. There also are a plethora of workouts online that you might consider using in the privacy of your own home.

• Consider avoiding large groups of people while at the same time maintaining your relationships. There are all sorts of ways to stay connected: through video chats, text messages, phone calls and old-school snail mail letters stamped with self-adhesive stamps. It probably is okay to hang out with small groups of friends or family as long as none is symptomatic. And, it probably is just fine to go on a date with your significant other as long as neither of you is showing any symptoms of coronavirus.

• Remember that the only person you can control is you and you are in control of how you react to this pandemic. Please, try not to panic. Health care professionals have indicated that if you become ill, the likelihood of your surviving this illness is quite good. Take good care of yourself.

And remember, that should your anxieties become overwhelming, you still can make an appointment with a mental health professional. Most therapists and counselors continue to take appointments in person, via telephone or video.

 

 

 

I have been working on and off with a young man who is having difficulty embracing change in his life. He is unhappy with where he is in several arenas but cannot commit to making the changes he seems to want to make in order to lead a happier, healthier life.

He is in the contemplation stage of change. Social workers and other mental health professionals often gauge a person’s readiness for change by examining where someone is in the stages of change, of which there are five:

• Precontemplation: The costs of the problem are not yet recognized. The person is in complete denial and not considering any kind of change at this point. The person may have made previous attempts at change but has given up at this point.

• Contemplation: The person is ambivalent about change but can see reasons to change his or her behavior. The problem behavior continues.

• Preparation: The person has decided to change his behavior and begins to think about how to go about doing so. During this stage, the person will begin to make small changes to support a healthy goal but likely will not have completely ceased the problem behavior.

• Action: The person is taking significant steps to change the problem behavior. The person might be avoiding triggers, reaching out for help or taking other steps to change and avoid temptation.

• Maintenance: The changes made during the action stage are maintained. The person may continue to face challenges but at this point has successfully changed his behavior for a sustained period of time.

There can be a sixth stage, of relapse, where the person re-engages in the problem behavior and then begins the steps again. Some people believe that relapse in inevitable, but it does not have to be. If you find yourself tempted to re-engage in the problem behavior, think about why you made the change in the first place.

The young man I am working with seems to feel that change is more frightening than continuing to practice the problem behaviors and staying where he is at. I gently reminded him that the only thing scarier than change is regret. I also tried to help him realize that he deserves better than the life and pathway for which he has settled. He deserves better but only he can create for himself the life he hopes to be living.

What small steps can you take to create for yourself the life you deserve? Are you ready to make some changes that will mean for you a happier, healthier life?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am not a particularly religious person but find myself wanting to participate in the tradition of giving up something for Lent. Like many people, I first thought of giving up something unhealthy, such as bad-for-me food or an indulgent treat. But, a few years ago I decided that instead of giving up something like that, I would give up self-hate, self-loathing and cruel self-talk. I think it is time to try that again.

That is not to say I am not also giving up salty snacks, but perhaps the salt I should be giving up is in the way I talk to myself. For Lent this year, I will give up calling myself derogatory names and instead practice self-kindness. I have done this in the past and found it not just terribly difficult after a lifetime of berating myself but also terribly rewarding.

However, merely substituting “darling” for “dumbass” is not enough. If I use “darling” with the same self-contempt that I had been using “dumbass,” doing so defeats the purpose. The idea is to come to love myself more when Lent comes to an end. This may sound mighty self-serving, but my ultimate hope is that in coming to love myself more, I can project that love onto others more and in more meaningful ways.

I want this experiment in giving up self-loathing to translate into my being kinder, more compassionate and more accepting of others. I want this experiment in giving up self-loathing to help me become a better person not just for myself but for my friends, family and even strangers. I want this experiment in giving up self-loathing to translate into my being less judgemental not just of myself but of all those around me. I want this experiment in giving up self-loathing to translate into me being the kind of person who projects love to all around me.

I urge you to consider that either instead of or in addition to giving up something more tangible for Lent that you walk with me and also give up self-loathing. The more you come to love yourself, the easier it will be to love others in selfless ways. We cannot give love to others until and unless we have love to give. Love of self is not selfish. Love of self allows us the opportunity to offer love to those around us in unconditional ways that leave the world a better place.

 

 

So, it seems, Valentine’s Day is upon us. This is supposed to be a day of love and romance, but I am reminded that for some people, love does not come easy. For some couples, love can be tumultuous.

I have been working with a couple whose common form of discourse is frequent fighting with raised voices and name calling. The couple frequently uses derogatory terms to describe each other. Each partner interrupts the other when one is trying to share his or her feelings. They invalidate each other. But one thing they do in the course of their many arguments is agree to take a time out so that each can cool off.

No relationship is always roses and rainbows. Relationships take work and and a commitment to honor each other’s feelings, thoughts, needs, wants and desires. Fights will happen but there is a way to fight fair.

When in the midst of a fight, try to ask yourself what really is bothering you. Are you really arguing because he left the cap off the toothpaste again? Or are you upset that your need for a clean bathroom counter has been disrespected? Are you really feeling that your needs are going unmet and his leaving the cap off the toothpaste is another piece of evidence that he does not respond to your needs?

Are you piling on during an argument? Are you pulling things that happened days, weeks, months, years ago, from a sort of Rolodex of past transgressions, into the current discussion? Try to keep the current discussion contained to the problem at hand. Bringing up past hurts only serves to keep past wounds open. Deal with one issue at a time, accept each other’s apologies and move on.

Do not use degrading language, disparaging names or put downs. No one is perfect but calling your partner a disparaging name does nothing to create a stronger emotional bond. Calling your partner names does little but build resentment.

Express your feelings with words and take responsibility for them. Use “I feel … ” statements. Try not to blame your partner for your feelings. If you are feeling lonely because you feel disconnected from your partner, trying saying something like “I feel lonely when we don’t talk” instead of using a blaming statement such as “I feel lonely when you don’t call me during the day.” Take responsibility for your feelings and learn to express them in a way that does not leave your partner feeling guilty about the way you feel.

Take turns speaking during an argument. This can be difficult in the heat of an argument but try not to interrupt your partner. It may be helpful to set a timer for a few minutes so that each partner has an opportunity to share his or her thoughts and feelings.

Try not to yell or scream during an argument. It may feel as though you may be winning a fight because you are speaking more loudly than your partner, but raised voices leads to tension and increased feelings of hurt and frustration. The loudest partner does not always win an argument.

Agree to take a time-out if the fight becomes too heated. You may need some time away from your partner to clear your head or just to cool off. Agree to come back to the topic in 15, 30 or 60 minutes when both of you have a had a chance to simmer down.

Attempt to come to a compromise or some understanding of how to proceed. Sometimes there is no clear right or wrong in a fight. Rarely is what caused the argument only one partner’s fault. Agree to work together to resolve the situation. If you cannot come to some sort of compromise at least try to understand where your partner is coming from.

When all else fails, try to remember what drew you to your partner in the first place. Remembering why you came to love that person may help you offer some compassion and understanding toward your partner during an argument. And remember that relationships take work and daily effort and commitment. No relationship is perfect but if you are honest about your feelings, about your needs, wants and desires, you hopefully can avoid violent arguments that could threaten the health of your relationship.