It has been said that when we judge others, we do so from a place in our hearts, souls and minds that is broken, that needs attention and healing. When we judge others, we sometimes criticize them for things that we find in ourselves to be loathsome.

When we find ourselves condemning substance users as “stoners,” “potheads” or “boozers,” we may be in fact judging ourselves for our own current or past substance use. When we criticize others for being overweight, we may be feeling heavy our out-of-shape ourselves. When we call someone “stupid,” we may be feeling less intelligent than others. When we call someone “lazy,” we may be feeling as though we could do more. We judge others when we ourselves are hurting.

So it seems with two young ladies I am working with. One is early in her recovery from substance use disorder and frequently calls those in her life who continue to use “potheads” and “stoners.” She herself is not yet fully healed. Another young lady I am working with frequently calls her husband, from whom she is divorcing, everything from “lazy” to “stupid.” She is hurting because of the demise of their relationship and is lashing out to protect her own feelings. She is feeling hurt and rejected.

If we try to come from a place of love for ourselves, it becomes less easy to judge others. The less harsh we are with ourselves, the less harsh we may be in thinking about or describing others. If we use with ourselves kind and loving words, it becomes easier to do so with others in our lives.  If we try to give ourselves credit for our positive attributes, it becomes easier to do so with others. And if we try to remember that others are trying to do the best they can with what they have right now, it becomes more difficult to judge them on what we may perceive as their shortcomings.

Judging others less starts with being kind and gentle with yourself. What can you do today to try to remember that everyone is doing the best they can? What can you to do today to try to be less judgemental of others in your life?

I recently started working with a young lady who lives with profound depression and is plagued with near-constant thoughts of suicide. She told me she sees no point to her life, no point to living because she cannot fathom the idea of ever being happy, of ever finding happiness.

This young lady lives with perpetual negative thinking and frequently beats herself up for making any kind of mistake. There are few things she likes about herself or her life. She does not enjoy her job but is taking college courses working toward a better career. She is in a relationship but has convinced herself her young man is ready to leave her at any moment. While he is supportive, she suspects he will tire of her. She cannot find happiness in much of anything.

She has felt this way for so long, she cannot see her way out of it. She has become comfortably uncomfortable in her depression. She asked me what is the point in trying to be happy when sadness always returns. I suggested that perhaps one has to have the dark days in order to appreciate the light. She paused for a moment and smiled at that thought.

In speaking with this young woman, she admitted that she chooses to remain sad, that she can make herself feel sadness even when she is having better days. I suggested to her that perhaps, if she can choose sadness, she can choose happiness. Another small smile came to her face. Can you choose happiness? Can you choose the way you feel? To some extent, I believe this is true. Certainly, chemical imbalances can contribute to depression. Medication can help with that. But also contributing to one’s outlook on life is the way one looks at things. If you look for darkness, certainly darkness will be there. If you look for light, light will be there. The choice is up to you.

I suggested this young lady start looking for the light by using a gratitude journal. Start by thinking of three things that happened during the day for which you are thankful. These three things do not have to be big things; they can be small things. Perhaps you enjoyed a good cup of coffee or tea in the morning. Perhaps your hair turned out just right. Perhaps the sun was shining today. Perhaps there were beautiful flowers to see on your way to work. You might not like your job, but perhaps you can be thankful for being employed. Perhaps you do not have a great car, but maybe your car gets you from Point A to Point B. Be thankful for that. Perhaps you received a text message from a friend or loved one. Be thankful for that. Practicing gratitude helps you find the good in your day and gratitude is the birthplace of joy.

Certainly, you can look for the bad in your days. That is a choice. It might take a little more effort to see the good, but with practice it will become habit and joy will return to your life. You can choose to stay comfortably uncomfortable in your sadness, or you can choose to let happiness into your life. The choice is yours.

In recent weeks, I have found myself in both my personal life and work dealing a lot with shame. Some people confuse shame with guilt. Guilt says, “I have done something bad.” Shame, on the other hand, says, “I am bad.”

But shame goes deeper. Shame says, “I am not worthy” and “I am not lovable the way I am.” Shame tells us that we are not doing enough, working enough, trying hard enough. Shame can lead us down the path of judging others. Whenever we judge others, we are coming not from love but from a place in ourselves that is not healed, a place that needs time and love and attention.

I have found myself in a bit of a shame storm this week after agreeing to participate in something that I really did not want to do. After agreeing to do this, I found myself harshly judging others at my gym, while driving about town and in other arenas. I flew into a rage about something minor and then scolded myself harshly for doing so. I was not coming from a place of love for myself. I was coming from a place of shame.

How does one navigate a shame storm? First, take a few moments to sit with what you are feeling. What is beneath the judgement and the anger. It is hurt? Is it guilt? Is it shame? Are you feeling as though you have betrayed your values? Are you feeling unworthy of love and belonging because of something you thought, did or said?

Second, tell your story to a trusted other. Make sure that person is someone who you can trust with your feelings, someone who will sit with you in your pain and not judge you. Allow yourself to be vulnerable with that person. Be careful, though, who you choose to share your story with. It is difficult to be vulnerable with someone who is hurting you, who you do not fully trust with your feelings.

Next, practice self-compassion. Allow yourself to forgive yourself for what you may have thought, said or done. If you have wronged someone and it is appropriate, apologize with changed behavior. If you have violated your values, try to determine what caused you to do so and rectify the situation. Did you agree to do something you really did not want to do? Is there a way to gracefully back out of that commitment without stepping on anyone’s toes or fracturing a valued relationship? If not, you may have to go through with your promise but in so doing, try to remember not to agree to something where your values are compromised again.

If we do not deal with shame, it will fester and tell us that we are not worthy of love. This can lead to feelings of self-hatred. Self-hatred, in turn, can lead to us judging others harshly, projecting our feelings onto others who likely do not deserve our wrath. A trained mental health professional can help you navigate your way out of shame and self-hatred. Reach out. Find someone you trust to share your story.

 

 

I often find myself thinking how curious it is to see how other people see us. All too often and understandably, we do not see ourselves as others do. Sometimes we see ourselves in a good light, knowing that we are strong, capable, intelligent, kind, caring and compassionate. But, sometimes we can only see the bad in ourselves and find ourselves wondering how long it will take before others see that in us as well, and what will happen when others do. Will those people leave us? Will we be left alone? Are we even worthy of their love and friendship in the first place?

What happens when our negative inner critics take over and negative self-talk becomes our primary internal voice? Oftentimes, that negative self-talk can carry us to a place of self-hatred. We begin to believe all the bad things we say to ourselves and convince ourselves not just that we are bad people but that we are not worthy of love and belonging.

Negative self-talk can stem from external messages we received as children growing up. It can be the result of narcissistic abuse we suffered as children or even as adults from our partners in past relationships. The messages we internalized play a role in how we begin to talk to ourselves and ultimately can change our self-perception. Perhaps we were told as children that we needed to lose weight and now we presume that we are fat even though we may not actually be so. Perhaps we were told as children that we needed to improve our grades in school and so came to believe that we were not smart or capable. Perhaps we never could garner the love or attention we needed from our parents when we were children and thus came to believe that we were not worthy of love. The negative self-talk that follows from these examples are that we are fat, unintelligent and unworthy. But is that the truth?

Likely, our friends and current partners do not believe those things about us. But for those whose internal monologue is negative, there is a constant fear that they will be found out for who they really are and will be left behind. Those whose internal critics are negative will convince themselves that they are unlovable and unworthy. They cannot see themselves as others see them.

One way to get out of the rut of negative self-talk is to practice self-compassion. If we try to be compassionate toward ourselves, cutting a break for ourselves and speaking to ourselves the way we would a friend or loved one, that negative self-talk will fade away. Instead of speaking to ourselves harshly, say kind and loving things to yourself.

Try practicing saying positive self-affirmations aloud to yourself. Yes, it may feel silly at first but the more one practices, not only will it become easier but the more one will come to believe the things he or she is saying. Try writing a positive self-affirmation such as “I am worthy of love” on your bathroom mirror with a wet/dry marker and practice saying that aloud as you ready yourself for work in the morning and get ready for bed at night. Or, write “I am kind, caring, compassionate” on that mirror and practice saying that. The more you do it, the more you will come to believe it.

Working with a therapist or counselor also may help you get away from negative self-talk, but it will require some effort and consistency. The more you change your internal monologue, the more you will come to see yourself as others see you: as the lovable person you really are.

 

I have found myself amazed in recent weeks by the number of people I have spoken with in my work and personal life who are lonely in their relationships, starved for emotional connection and unconditional love. But what is even more astounding is how many of the people I have encountered do not believe that such connectedness, such love actually exists … at least for them.

So many people it seems, find themselves in relationships that leave them wanting for more. They may have pair bonded for a variety of reasons, such as convenience, financial security, companionship but now find themselves longing for something more yet unsure not just how to obtain that “more,” but what that might mean for them or if that even exists.

One young woman I am working with told me that she is not even sure unconditional love is possible for her. She was raised in a family where she had to earn her love, as though it were a reward for good behavior. Her parents were unable to provide her with the love she deserved simply for being their child, for being human. So, she has learned and come to believe that love is a reward that must be earned. She is having trouble believing that she is worthy of love, belonging and emotional connection simply because she is human. She has trouble with the idea that unconditional love exists for her.

She finds herself trapped in a relationship that started more because she did not want to be alone than because she was in love. Now more than a decade later, she is wondering if there is more out there, if real love and emotional connectedness exists. How many of us find ourselves in relationships that seem to continue not because they are fulfilling but because we have convinced ourselves that that is all we deserve. How many of us have convinced ourselves that our relationships are good enough, that because we are not painfully miserable we will stay. How many of us stay in unfulfilling relationships simply out of a sense of loyalty?  At what point do we decide we deserve more? At what point do we decide that we deserve better?

Change happens when it becomes too painful to remain where we are. Change happens when we become aware that we deserve better, that we deserve to be loved and deeply connected with someone who honors our hopes and dreams. Change happens when we realize that we are worthy of love and belonging. Change happens when we come to love ourselves unconditionally and decide that we no longer are willing to accept less than that from our mates.

Everyone deserves to be in relationships with people who truly love them, who want to stay because the idea of being without their other is unimaginable. When we stay out of a misplaced sense of loyalty, we may be depriving ourselves of the love and connectedness we deserve. That is not to say that such a bond cannot be created in existing relationships, but both partners have to be willing to work on exploring their emotions and be willing to share with their partner their innermost feelings. Relationships can be mended and strengthened if both partners are willing to show their true selves, to become better partners and risk sharing their emotions and need for connection.

What are you willing to do to find the love you deserve? Are you willing to share your true feelings, your hopes and desires? Are you willing to risk sharing your emotions with your partner so that you can build the bond you deserve?

 

 

I recently started working with a woman who has found herself in a life she did not imagine, plan for or dream of. She feels stuck, trapped, unsure of where she is headed. She is lost and uncertain.

This woman has found herself in a loveless marriage with two young daughters and not only is unhappy but not quite sure how she ended up where she is. She tells me she never really loved the man to whom she is married, to whom she vowed to spend her life. She tells me hers is a marriage of convenience. He is a good provider but emotionally unavailable. He works six days a week so is not truly present in the marriage. She is lonely and longing for connection.

Her story is not entirely unique. Many people find themselves in relationships that leave them starved for connection. Many people have longed for a connection to a trusted other for many years, if not their entire lives. They may have felt disconnected from or even rejected by their parents and siblings. They may not have close relationships with friends. This could stem from early attachment wounds that left them feeling as though they never were truly loved or belonged in their families.

These attachment wounds tend to repeat themselves in later relationships, leaving one feeling perpetually lonely, empty and starved for love and attention. These feelings can lead to depression and anxiety, leaving one feeling completely alone yet desperate for connection. There is hope. There is the possibility that this particular woman’s marriage can be salvaged, if that is what she truly wants. She dreams of an emotional connection with her husband but is not sure he is capable of providing that for her. The couple would benefit from counseling to determine what goals each partner has for the relationship. She dreams of a happy marriage, one that is emotionally fulfilling, but fears it may be too late. He may want that, as well. That is my hope.

Early attachment wounds do not have to mean a lifetime of relationships devoid of emotional connection if one is willing to work to discover how the wounds occurred and how to mend them. There is hope to create fulfilling relationships, but that requires the one who suffered the wound to look within and find the courage to work with his or her partner to build the relationship that is desired and deserved.

We are wired for connection and deserve love and belonging simply because we are human beings. We deserve to love and be loved fully and completely by our partners, parents and siblings. But, we have to have the courage to tell those we love that we need to feel connected, heard and felt. We have to have the courage to tell our partners that we do not just need more but deserve more from our relationship. Doing so can be scary and can take practice with a trusted mental health professional.

If you are seeking a deeper connection with your partner but do not know how to go about achieving that, reach out. There are people who can help you work with your partner to create the relationship you deserve. You do not have to be alone in your longing for connection.

 

 

I recently spent a long weekend with my best gal pals and one day ventured to a nearby beach, where a family was playing. One of the kids playing on a beach was a young girl of perhaps seven or eight years old, with her mother nearby. The young girl was playing in a bathing suit, but mom was completely covered up. I wondered aloud to one of my friends, “At what age do we start teaching our daughters to hate their bodies?”

The answer, it seems, is fairly young. I started working with a family this week whose mother has lived with anorexia and bulimia since she was about 15 years old and at the age of 32 continues to practice eating disorder behaviors, including compulsive exercising and calorie restriction. It is something I understand all too well. However, this particular mother has started speaking to her oldest daughter, who is seven years old, in a way that seems to be body shaming. The mother told me that she has been speaking to her daughter about the food she puts in her body, the importance of exercise and how what she looks like matters. None of these things in and of themselves is indicative of mom leading daughter down the slippery slope toward disordered eating, but altogether spell danger.

While it is important to be cognizant of what you put in your body, what mom needs to understand is that most children have not yet come to enjoy their vegetables and tend to enjoy things like chicken nuggets and hot dogs. That is not to say that mom should not encourage her daughter to eat healthy foods, but nutrition means balance and for growing children (and adults), a variety of foods is best.

While it was concerning that mom already was talking to her daughter about the foods she is eating, what was even more upsetting was that mom seemed to be teaching her daughter to hate her body. Indeed, the daughter has started describing herself as “fat,” even though she is not fat. The daughter has started exercising like mom and during our initial session was talking about how she had to get her workout in. What is mom really teaching her daughter?

Yes, exercise is important. Yes, eating healthy foods is important. But so is loving yourself not just for what you look like but for who you are. Are you kind, caring, compassionate, loving toward yourself and others? Are you a good person? Are you a loyal friend? Are you helpful? I am fearful that mom is teaching her daughter to put more emphasis on what her body looks like than what it can do and on the person her daugther is becoming.

Bodies come in all shapes and sizes, as does beauty. But beauty is not just skin deep. True beauty is reflected in who we are as people, not just the shape of our bodies. We have to stop teaching our children that what we look like matters more than who we are as human beings. We have to start teaching our children that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes and that we should appreciate our bodies for what they allow us to do, rather than simply how they look.

 

 

 

 

I recently began working with a young man who last year endured a severe trauma at his workplace and now is living with symptoms of PTSD, depression and anxiety. The fellow reported that he no longer feels like himself, as though he lost himself. He said that he wants to get back to himself. However, he also seems unwilling to complete any of the assignments I have given him that I believe would help him find himself again.

My work with him reminds him of a meme I saw not too long ago that stated, “If at first you don’t succeed, try doing what your social worker told you to do in the first place.” I hope to help this young man find his way from mental illness to mental wellness, but I cannot do the work of recovery for him. My work with him also reminds me of the exposure therapy seminars I recently attended and the concept of want versus willing. I am starting to wonder what this young man is willing to do to move from illness to wellness.

I have said it before and will repeat it here: Anyone can come to treatment but you have to be willing to do the work of recovery to move from mental illness to mental wellness. What are you willing to do to get well and stay well? Recovery from depression, anxiety, PTSD, substance use disorders and eating disorders is about more than just wanting to get well. Recovery is about doing the work of therapy to get well and stay well. What are your coping skills? What can you do to take control of your life to get well?

The fellow I am working with once was a boxer and weight lifter but has given up those activities since his traumatic event at work. I suggested that perhaps he could go to the gym and lift weights for just 15 minutes, just to see how it felt. Could he just try it? No. What about taking a few boxing classes? No. What about taking a martial arts class? No. Well, what about going for a walk for 30 minutes with your wife and baby daughter? Maybe. All I ask is that you try. I cannot wave a magic wand and make you better; you have to be willing to participate in your own recovery to get well and stay well.

I understand that one of the hardest parts of recovery is admitting you need help and getting yourself out the door and to your counselor. I applaud anyone who takes those first steps as that takes a lot of courage. Now, can you take another step and perhaps try to do the thing your social worker recommended in order to move toward wellness? All you have to do is try. If that does not work, there are other things we can try to help you. But, if you never try, you never know. Just give it a shot. Maybe, just maybe, you will start to feel a little bit better day by day.

 

 

 

Yesterday, I attended the second of two seminars regarding exposure therapy, which can be a useful tool in treating anxiety disorders and other mental illnesses, such as obsessive compulsive disorder. Exposure therapy requires those willing to participate to incrementally face their fears until they can manage the anxiety surrounding them. It can be a useful tool in one’s arsenal in battling mental illness.

Living with anxiety or OCD can be crippling, leaving those who suffer with symptoms such as racing thoughts, heart palpitations, sweating, dizziness and shortness of breath. Exposure therapy can help those living with anxiety, OCD or other mental illnesses manage those symptoms. I have repeatedly said that recovering from mental illness takes work and requires daily effort. Recovery takes commitment to the idea that you are in control of your thoughts, your life and your future. Recovery takes commitment to the idea that your future can be one of mental wellness. You cannot just want to get better; you have be willing to do the work of recovery to get better.

One of the ideas that resonated with me during this two-part workshop on exposure therapy is the concept of want versus willing. What are you willing to do in order to move from mental illness to mental wellness? What steps are you wiling to take to get well and stay well? Your mental health counselor can walk with you as you take these steps, but she or he cannot walk the walk for you. Rest assured, though, that your counselor never will ask you to do anything he or she is not willing to do, as well.

As part of our training yesterday, seminar participants were asked to go on a sort of exposure scavenger hunt where we were required to accomplish tasks many people likely would not want to do, such as touch both the outside and inside of a Dumpster and then touch our faces and not then decontaminate. We also were asked to hug a port-a-potty and not wash our hands. Other tasks included working with a sales clerk in a store for a good time and then not purchase anything, purchasing items in a store and then immediately returning them and standing outside a train station and asking a stranger where the train station was. These are tasks many people have trouble with as they can cause anxiety. We completed these tasks not because we wanted to, but because we were willing to put ourselves in the shoes of people living with anxiety disorders. Want versus willing. What are you willing to do to move past your fears? Many of the tasks we were asked to accomplish were uncomfortable, but not dangerous. Discomfort usually does not mean danger. Facing things that are uncomfortable can make us stronger and help move us toward mental wellness.

If you are someone who is living with anxiety, OCD or other mental illnesses, ask yourself what you are willing to do to move from illness to wellness? What can you do to arm yourself with the tools needed to become well and stay well? What small steps can you take to create for yourself a life worth living? What fears are you willing to face?

 

How often in our daily lives do we find ourselves beating our selves up for what we perceive as transgressions, mistakes, for procrastinating, for not crossing everything off on our to-do lists? How often do we feel like we have failed not just ourselves but everyone around us? What would happen if instead of cruel self-flagellation we gave ourselves credit for the things we have accomplished, for the kind words we have spoken to ourselves and others, for the good deeds we have done?

We usually are our own worst critics and often say things to ourselves that we never would say to friends or loved ones. What would happen if we started to speak kindly and with love toward ourselves? It is possible that you have spent years beating yourself up, even hating yourself for not being “perfect.” What would happen if you started loving yourselves instead? Self-hatred offers no chance for you to grow and become the person you always were meant to be, but self-love can help you blossom.

Practicing self-love can be difficult and seem awkward at first, but I promise the more you do it, the easier it becomes. I frequently suggest to my clients that they practice by writing on a mirror a positive self-affirmation and repeating it aloud when getting ready in the morning and when cleaning up before bed. It may seem silly at first, but the more you practice saying kind things about yourself aloud, the more you will come to believe that you are good and kind and worthy of love and belonging simply for being human.

None of us is perfect, but few of us is as bad as we sometimes think we are. Start giving yourself credit for your accomplishments and celebrate them. Beating yourself up rarely motivates us into changing but loving yourself can work wonders. It is by loving ourselves that we can come to accept our flaws and realize that we are perfectly imperfect beings capable of becoming the people we always wanted to be. What can you do today to show yourself some love? How can you begin to practice self-love and move toward becoming the person you want to be?