I often find myself thinking how curious it is to see how other people see us. All too often and understandably, we do not see ourselves as others do. Sometimes we see ourselves in a good light, knowing that we are strong, capable, intelligent, kind, caring and compassionate. But, sometimes we can only see the bad in ourselves and find ourselves wondering how long it will take before others see that in us as well, and what will happen when others do. Will those people leave us? Will we be left alone? Are we even worthy of their love and friendship in the first place?

What happens when our negative inner critics take over and negative self-talk becomes our primary internal voice? Oftentimes, that negative self-talk can carry us to a place of self-hatred. We begin to believe all the bad things we say to ourselves and convince ourselves not just that we are bad people but that we are not worthy of love and belonging.

Negative self-talk can stem from external messages we received as children growing up. It can be the result of narcissistic abuse we suffered as children or even as adults from our partners in past relationships. The messages we internalized play a role in how we begin to talk to ourselves and ultimately can change our self-perception. Perhaps we were told as children that we needed to lose weight and now we presume that we are fat even though we may not actually be so. Perhaps we were told as children that we needed to improve our grades in school and so came to believe that we were not smart or capable. Perhaps we never could garner the love or attention we needed from our parents when we were children and thus came to believe that we were not worthy of love. The negative self-talk that follows from these examples are that we are fat, unintelligent and unworthy. But is that the truth?

Likely, our friends and current partners do not believe those things about us. But for those whose internal monologue is negative, there is a constant fear that they will be found out for who they really are and will be left behind. Those whose internal critics are negative will convince themselves that they are unlovable and unworthy. They cannot see themselves as others see them.

One way to get out of the rut of negative self-talk is to practice self-compassion. If we try to be compassionate toward ourselves, cutting a break for ourselves and speaking to ourselves the way we would a friend or loved one, that negative self-talk will fade away. Instead of speaking to ourselves harshly, say kind and loving things to yourself.

Try practicing saying positive self-affirmations aloud to yourself. Yes, it may feel silly at first but the more one practices, not only will it become easier but the more one will come to believe the things he or she is saying. Try writing a positive self-affirmation such as “I am worthy of love” on your bathroom mirror with a wet/dry marker and practice saying that aloud as you ready yourself for work in the morning and get ready for bed at night. Or, write “I am kind, caring, compassionate” on that mirror and practice saying that. The more you do it, the more you will come to believe it.

Working with a therapist or counselor also may help you get away from negative self-talk, but it will require some effort and consistency. The more you change your internal monologue, the more you will come to see yourself as others see you: as the lovable person you really are.

 

I have found myself amazed in recent weeks by the number of people I have spoken with in my work and personal life who are lonely in their relationships, starved for emotional connection and unconditional love. But what is even more astounding is how many of the people I have encountered do not believe that such connectedness, such love actually exists … at least for them.

So many people it seems, find themselves in relationships that leave them wanting for more. They may have pair bonded for a variety of reasons, such as convenience, financial security, companionship but now find themselves longing for something more yet unsure not just how to obtain that “more,” but what that might mean for them or if that even exists.

One young woman I am working with told me that she is not even sure unconditional love is possible for her. She was raised in a family where she had to earn her love, as though it were a reward for good behavior. Her parents were unable to provide her with the love she deserved simply for being their child, for being human. So, she has learned and come to believe that love is a reward that must be earned. She is having trouble believing that she is worthy of love, belonging and emotional connection simply because she is human. She has trouble with the idea that unconditional love exists for her.

She finds herself trapped in a relationship that started more because she did not want to be alone than because she was in love. Now more than a decade later, she is wondering if there is more out there, if real love and emotional connectedness exists. How many of us find ourselves in relationships that seem to continue not because they are fulfilling but because we have convinced ourselves that that is all we deserve. How many of us have convinced ourselves that our relationships are good enough, that because we are not painfully miserable we will stay. How many of us stay in unfulfilling relationships simply out of a sense of loyalty?  At what point do we decide we deserve more? At what point do we decide that we deserve better?

Change happens when it becomes too painful to remain where we are. Change happens when we become aware that we deserve better, that we deserve to be loved and deeply connected with someone who honors our hopes and dreams. Change happens when we realize that we are worthy of love and belonging. Change happens when we come to love ourselves unconditionally and decide that we no longer are willing to accept less than that from our mates.

Everyone deserves to be in relationships with people who truly love them, who want to stay because the idea of being without their other is unimaginable. When we stay out of a misplaced sense of loyalty, we may be depriving ourselves of the love and connectedness we deserve. That is not to say that such a bond cannot be created in existing relationships, but both partners have to be willing to work on exploring their emotions and be willing to share with their partner their innermost feelings. Relationships can be mended and strengthened if both partners are willing to show their true selves, to become better partners and risk sharing their emotions and need for connection.

What are you willing to do to find the love you deserve? Are you willing to share your true feelings, your hopes and desires? Are you willing to risk sharing your emotions with your partner so that you can build the bond you deserve?

 

 

I recently started working with a woman who has found herself in a life she did not imagine, plan for or dream of. She feels stuck, trapped, unsure of where she is headed. She is lost and uncertain.

This woman has found herself in a loveless marriage with two young daughters and not only is unhappy but not quite sure how she ended up where she is. She tells me she never really loved the man to whom she is married, to whom she vowed to spend her life. She tells me hers is a marriage of convenience. He is a good provider but emotionally unavailable. He works six days a week so is not truly present in the marriage. She is lonely and longing for connection.

Her story is not entirely unique. Many people find themselves in relationships that leave them starved for connection. Many people have longed for a connection to a trusted other for many years, if not their entire lives. They may have felt disconnected from or even rejected by their parents and siblings. They may not have close relationships with friends. This could stem from early attachment wounds that left them feeling as though they never were truly loved or belonged in their families.

These attachment wounds tend to repeat themselves in later relationships, leaving one feeling perpetually lonely, empty and starved for love and attention. These feelings can lead to depression and anxiety, leaving one feeling completely alone yet desperate for connection. There is hope. There is the possibility that this particular woman’s marriage can be salvaged, if that is what she truly wants. She dreams of an emotional connection with her husband but is not sure he is capable of providing that for her. The couple would benefit from counseling to determine what goals each partner has for the relationship. She dreams of a happy marriage, one that is emotionally fulfilling, but fears it may be too late. He may want that, as well. That is my hope.

Early attachment wounds do not have to mean a lifetime of relationships devoid of emotional connection if one is willing to work to discover how the wounds occurred and how to mend them. There is hope to create fulfilling relationships, but that requires the one who suffered the wound to look within and find the courage to work with his or her partner to build the relationship that is desired and deserved.

We are wired for connection and deserve love and belonging simply because we are human beings. We deserve to love and be loved fully and completely by our partners, parents and siblings. But, we have to have the courage to tell those we love that we need to feel connected, heard and felt. We have to have the courage to tell our partners that we do not just need more but deserve more from our relationship. Doing so can be scary and can take practice with a trusted mental health professional.

If you are seeking a deeper connection with your partner but do not know how to go about achieving that, reach out. There are people who can help you work with your partner to create the relationship you deserve. You do not have to be alone in your longing for connection.

 

 

I recently spent a long weekend with my best gal pals and one day ventured to a nearby beach, where a family was playing. One of the kids playing on a beach was a young girl of perhaps seven or eight years old, with her mother nearby. The young girl was playing in a bathing suit, but mom was completely covered up. I wondered aloud to one of my friends, “At what age do we start teaching our daughters to hate their bodies?”

The answer, it seems, is fairly young. I started working with a family this week whose mother has lived with anorexia and bulimia since she was about 15 years old and at the age of 32 continues to practice eating disorder behaviors, including compulsive exercising and calorie restriction. It is something I understand all too well. However, this particular mother has started speaking to her oldest daughter, who is seven years old, in a way that seems to be body shaming. The mother told me that she has been speaking to her daughter about the food she puts in her body, the importance of exercise and how what she looks like matters. None of these things in and of themselves is indicative of mom leading daughter down the slippery slope toward disordered eating, but altogether spell danger.

While it is important to be cognizant of what you put in your body, what mom needs to understand is that most children have not yet come to enjoy their vegetables and tend to enjoy things like chicken nuggets and hot dogs. That is not to say that mom should not encourage her daughter to eat healthy foods, but nutrition means balance and for growing children (and adults), a variety of foods is best.

While it was concerning that mom already was talking to her daughter about the foods she is eating, what was even more upsetting was that mom seemed to be teaching her daughter to hate her body. Indeed, the daughter has started describing herself as “fat,” even though she is not fat. The daughter has started exercising like mom and during our initial session was talking about how she had to get her workout in. What is mom really teaching her daughter?

Yes, exercise is important. Yes, eating healthy foods is important. But so is loving yourself not just for what you look like but for who you are. Are you kind, caring, compassionate, loving toward yourself and others? Are you a good person? Are you a loyal friend? Are you helpful? I am fearful that mom is teaching her daughter to put more emphasis on what her body looks like than what it can do and on the person her daugther is becoming.

Bodies come in all shapes and sizes, as does beauty. But beauty is not just skin deep. True beauty is reflected in who we are as people, not just the shape of our bodies. We have to stop teaching our children that what we look like matters more than who we are as human beings. We have to start teaching our children that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes and that we should appreciate our bodies for what they allow us to do, rather than simply how they look.

 

 

 

 

I recently began working with a young man who last year endured a severe trauma at his workplace and now is living with symptoms of PTSD, depression and anxiety. The fellow reported that he no longer feels like himself, as though he lost himself. He said that he wants to get back to himself. However, he also seems unwilling to complete any of the assignments I have given him that I believe would help him find himself again.

My work with him reminds him of a meme I saw not too long ago that stated, “If at first you don’t succeed, try doing what your social worker told you to do in the first place.” I hope to help this young man find his way from mental illness to mental wellness, but I cannot do the work of recovery for him. My work with him also reminds me of the exposure therapy seminars I recently attended and the concept of want versus willing. I am starting to wonder what this young man is willing to do to move from illness to wellness.

I have said it before and will repeat it here: Anyone can come to treatment but you have to be willing to do the work of recovery to move from mental illness to mental wellness. What are you willing to do to get well and stay well? Recovery from depression, anxiety, PTSD, substance use disorders and eating disorders is about more than just wanting to get well. Recovery is about doing the work of therapy to get well and stay well. What are your coping skills? What can you do to take control of your life to get well?

The fellow I am working with once was a boxer and weight lifter but has given up those activities since his traumatic event at work. I suggested that perhaps he could go to the gym and lift weights for just 15 minutes, just to see how it felt. Could he just try it? No. What about taking a few boxing classes? No. What about taking a martial arts class? No. Well, what about going for a walk for 30 minutes with your wife and baby daughter? Maybe. All I ask is that you try. I cannot wave a magic wand and make you better; you have to be willing to participate in your own recovery to get well and stay well.

I understand that one of the hardest parts of recovery is admitting you need help and getting yourself out the door and to your counselor. I applaud anyone who takes those first steps as that takes a lot of courage. Now, can you take another step and perhaps try to do the thing your social worker recommended in order to move toward wellness? All you have to do is try. If that does not work, there are other things we can try to help you. But, if you never try, you never know. Just give it a shot. Maybe, just maybe, you will start to feel a little bit better day by day.

 

 

 

Yesterday, I attended the second of two seminars regarding exposure therapy, which can be a useful tool in treating anxiety disorders and other mental illnesses, such as obsessive compulsive disorder. Exposure therapy requires those willing to participate to incrementally face their fears until they can manage the anxiety surrounding them. It can be a useful tool in one’s arsenal in battling mental illness.

Living with anxiety or OCD can be crippling, leaving those who suffer with symptoms such as racing thoughts, heart palpitations, sweating, dizziness and shortness of breath. Exposure therapy can help those living with anxiety, OCD or other mental illnesses manage those symptoms. I have repeatedly said that recovering from mental illness takes work and requires daily effort. Recovery takes commitment to the idea that you are in control of your thoughts, your life and your future. Recovery takes commitment to the idea that your future can be one of mental wellness. You cannot just want to get better; you have be willing to do the work of recovery to get better.

One of the ideas that resonated with me during this two-part workshop on exposure therapy is the concept of want versus willing. What are you willing to do in order to move from mental illness to mental wellness? What steps are you wiling to take to get well and stay well? Your mental health counselor can walk with you as you take these steps, but she or he cannot walk the walk for you. Rest assured, though, that your counselor never will ask you to do anything he or she is not willing to do, as well.

As part of our training yesterday, seminar participants were asked to go on a sort of exposure scavenger hunt where we were required to accomplish tasks many people likely would not want to do, such as touch both the outside and inside of a Dumpster and then touch our faces and not then decontaminate. We also were asked to hug a port-a-potty and not wash our hands. Other tasks included working with a sales clerk in a store for a good time and then not purchase anything, purchasing items in a store and then immediately returning them and standing outside a train station and asking a stranger where the train station was. These are tasks many people have trouble with as they can cause anxiety. We completed these tasks not because we wanted to, but because we were willing to put ourselves in the shoes of people living with anxiety disorders. Want versus willing. What are you willing to do to move past your fears? Many of the tasks we were asked to accomplish were uncomfortable, but not dangerous. Discomfort usually does not mean danger. Facing things that are uncomfortable can make us stronger and help move us toward mental wellness.

If you are someone who is living with anxiety, OCD or other mental illnesses, ask yourself what you are willing to do to move from illness to wellness? What can you do to arm yourself with the tools needed to become well and stay well? What small steps can you take to create for yourself a life worth living? What fears are you willing to face?

 

How often in our daily lives do we find ourselves beating our selves up for what we perceive as transgressions, mistakes, for procrastinating, for not crossing everything off on our to-do lists? How often do we feel like we have failed not just ourselves but everyone around us? What would happen if instead of cruel self-flagellation we gave ourselves credit for the things we have accomplished, for the kind words we have spoken to ourselves and others, for the good deeds we have done?

We usually are our own worst critics and often say things to ourselves that we never would say to friends or loved ones. What would happen if we started to speak kindly and with love toward ourselves? It is possible that you have spent years beating yourself up, even hating yourself for not being “perfect.” What would happen if you started loving yourselves instead? Self-hatred offers no chance for you to grow and become the person you always were meant to be, but self-love can help you blossom.

Practicing self-love can be difficult and seem awkward at first, but I promise the more you do it, the easier it becomes. I frequently suggest to my clients that they practice by writing on a mirror a positive self-affirmation and repeating it aloud when getting ready in the morning and when cleaning up before bed. It may seem silly at first, but the more you practice saying kind things about yourself aloud, the more you will come to believe that you are good and kind and worthy of love and belonging simply for being human.

None of us is perfect, but few of us is as bad as we sometimes think we are. Start giving yourself credit for your accomplishments and celebrate them. Beating yourself up rarely motivates us into changing but loving yourself can work wonders. It is by loving ourselves that we can come to accept our flaws and realize that we are perfectly imperfect beings capable of becoming the people we always wanted to be. What can you do today to show yourself some love? How can you begin to practice self-love and move toward becoming the person you want to be?

I recently started working with a young man who endured a very serious traumatic event and now is living with post-traumatic stress disorder, depression and anxiety as a result. The fellow is feeling as though he has lost himself because of what happened to him about a year ago and recently wondered aloud to me if he is some kind of “freak” for feeling the way he does. I tried to assure him that considering what he went through, his feelings are completely normal.

Everyone responds to traumatic events differently; there is no right or wrong way to respond to something horrible that happens to you. I told the fellow I am working with that one in five people live with mental illness and that millions of people live with depression every year. According to some statistics, some seven to eight people out of every 100 in the United States struggle with PTSD.

When the body is confronted with a traumatic event, the body engages the fight-flight-freeze response. It is something your body uses to protect you from danger. When you feel threatened physically or emotionally, the fight-flight-freeze response is automatically triggered and several feelings can arise, including increased heart rate, dizziness, shaking, racing thoughts, nausea, sweating, difficulty concentrating, rapid breathing and tensed muscles. These feelings are a normal response to danger and having one or more of these feelings does not make you a freak. Everyone will experience the fight-flight-freeze response at times to varying degrees.

Oftentimes, people who survive a traumatic event find themselves second-guessing their response to the trauma, even blaming themselves for what happened. What I try to remind people who have survived something horrible is that something bad happened to them, that does not make you bad. You are not the event that happened to you. You are a survivor, a warrior. It is not uncommon for the body to remember what happened and re-engage the fight-fight-freeze response when you encounter similar situations or reminders of the event; this is normal but the response can dissipate over time.

Working through a traumatic event can take time but by practicing coping skills like deep breathing and other relaxation techniques, the body can learn to adapt to triggers. Working with a therapist or counselor can help you navigate the feelings and emotions you are enduring because of the trauma. A therapist or counselor can help you develop coping skills that you can employ when facing reminders of the event you endured. If you have suffered a traumatic event and are finding difficulty navigating the feelings associated with it, please reach out to someone who can help. You do not have to suffer in silence. You do not have to try to recover from what happened on your own. There are people who can help you through this. There are people who care.

Yesterday, I attended the first of two seminars through my work about exposure therapy, which is indicated for people living with anxiety disorders and other mental illnesses. The treatment can help people living with anxiety disorders face their fears and come to place where they can manage the symptoms of anxiety.

One of the things that resonated with me during the seminar was the concept of want versus willing. What do you want to do versus what are you willing to try to move from mental illness to mental wellness. In learning the difference, seminar participants were challenged to do some things people do not normally do, such as eat food that was left on the floor for 30 seconds or eat food that had been placed on a toilet seat … nothing anyone really wants to do. But, are you willing to try these things to move past your fear of germs and contamination? What really is the likelihood that you will become viciously ill if you eat something that was on the floor or toilet seat? Apparently, the likelihood is very little seeing as how I am still here to write about it 24 hours later.

I frequently talk here about having to do the work of therapy, the work of recovery to move from mental illness to mental wellness. Moving away from mental illness requires more than just a wanting to be better; you have to be willing to do the work of therapy to get better. Want versus willing. What are you willing to do to find your way to wellness? Your therapist or counselor can help provide you with the tools to move toward wellness, but you must be willing to do the work of recovery not just to find wellness, but to stay well.

People sometimes come to treatment thinking their therapist or counselor will provide them the answers they are seeking, the solutions to their problems. Your therapist or counselor can help you find those answers, but you have to be willing to work with him or her to find them. You have to be willing to face your fears, sit with uncomfortable emotions and confront your demons if you hope to find wellness. Your counselor cannot simply wave a magic wand and make everything better. You have to be willing to do the work of recovery.

What keeps you from doing the work of recovery? Is it fear? Unwillingness? Are you comfortably uncomfortable in your mental illness or substance use disorder? Are you afraid of change? Comfort zones (however uncomfortable) are great places, but not only does nothing ever grow there, but those zones become smaller over time, trapping you in the fear of change. How are you willing to grow as a person to become better? What are you willing to do to free yourself of the shackles of mental illness or substance use disorders?

You hear it every day: someone making a disparaging comment about another person, someone calling another person a nasty name, someone being rude to another human being for no apparent reason. What causes this? Usually, it is us judging someone harshly for one reason or another.

When we judge another person, call that person a name out loud or even in our own minds, we cast that person in shame. And usually when we judge another, it means that there is a part of us, something in our own life, that is unhealed, something that needs tending to or mending. Sometimes the thing that needs healing is our own hurt, our own pain, something in us that is broken.

I am working with a young woman who frequently calls people in her life nasty names for using substances. This woman is recovering from her own substance use disorder but continues to abuse alcohol. She is not fully healed, which is why it is easy for her to label those in her life who continue to use names like “stoner” and “druggie.” She has not fully recovered from her own substance use disorder so is not coming from a place of love when dealing with those in her life who continue to struggle. It is easy to judge others, but perhaps in fact we are projecting our own feelings toward ourselves onto those around us.

If we try to remember that most everyone is dealing with something about which we may know little or nothing, it is considerably harder to judge others. If we come from a place of love, it is more difficult to cast others in a bad light. This is something everyone can work on, as we all likely find ourselves sometimes judging others. Instead of judging others, perhaps we can laud them for efforts made toward creating for themselves a better life. Perhaps we can offer congratulations for navigating a difficult life challenge. Perhaps we can lift someone up in good thoughts or prayer if you are so inclined instead of judging something in someone else.

When we come from a place of love, we are reminded that we, too, are flawed, perfectly imperfect creatures simply trying our best to make it through whatever struggle we are facing. Others are struggling, as well. No one’s life is perfect. We all are just trying to do our best with what we have. What can you do today to try to step away from judgement and lift others up in thought and deed?