The holiday season is upon us and I am reminded to be of good cheer. Just a couple days after Thanksgiving, where we acknowledged all the things for which we are grateful, one of the most stressful times for many people comes upon us. But how do we remain in good cheer when shopping for the perfect gifts for our loved ones, baking for the holidays, preparing yummy meals and attending parties with friends and family?

The answer is simple: practice gratitude. This may be easier said than done for some people, but with some effort practicing gratitude can help us find joy in what can, for some people, be the most stressful season of the year.

Every morning or evening before you go to bed, write down three to five things for which you are grateful. I recently started jotting down on a slip of paper something for which I am grateful for each morning and placing the paper in a box so that at the end of the year, I can take out all the pieces of paper and see all the wonderful things that happened to me. Some people use a gratitude journal or diary to note the things for which they are grateful. These things do not have to be big things; they can be little things, like the delicious cup of coffee you had in the morning or a conversation with a cherished person during the day.

Gratitude is the birthplace of joy. People who are grateful for all life bestows on them—both the good and the bad—are happier than those who lament their conditions and what life throws at them. Certainly, it is easy to be grateful for the good things we experience every day. It is harder to appreciate and be thankful for the bad things that happen, but perhaps instead of looking at those things as nuisances maybe we can look at them as lessons for which we can be grateful.

People say that the holiday season is the most joyous of the year and it can be if we remember to be grateful for all life brings us. Every day brings opportunities for growth and happiness. Joy starts from within, from looking for the good in all that happens to us throughout the day. May this be the season of gratitude.

I often hear people complaining about their jobs, their spouses or significant others, their commutes to and from work and other things that life brings them. What I do not often hear are solutions.

Complaining about things is normal, but at what point does it become pathological and set you up to be a victim of your life? Complaining goes hand-in-hand with anger and we have talked about that. Why hold on to all that anger? What purpose does it serve? What is beneath that anger? Shame? Guilt? Hurt?

Complaining about your life sets you up to be a victim of your life and your choices. If you own your choices, it is easier to find solutions to your problems rather than simply complain about the things that happen to you throughout the day.

I have people in my life who complain about their jobs, their commute to their jobs and the people they work with. I encourage those people to stop for a moment and be thankful that, in this recovering economy, they have a job to go to every day. I have people in my life who complain about their spouses or significant others. Perhaps instead of complaining about that person, sit down and have a meaningful conversation with that person and tell them how you are feeling about his or her behaviors.

People who constantly complain invite negativity into their lives and surround themselves with misery. It is easy to complain about various aspects of one’s life. It takes far more energy and creativity to come up with solutions. What can you to do today to find answers to the problems in your life? What can you do today to make your own situation better?

 

 

 

 

 

 

In my work, I hear a lot of people wondering why they have been struck with mental illness. Are they being punished for past wrongs or misdeeds? Does God hate them? Has God forsaken them? I hear a lot of people wondering, “Why me?”

I have to ask, “Why not me?” I have lived with mental illness for most of my life and I have survived because I am a fighter, a warrior. Before I found my way to wellness, there of course were days when I thought I never would survive. But more often than not I did not wonder “Why me?” but asked myself “Why not me?” The answer is because I am strong enough to manage it.

Perhaps you live with mental illness because you are strong, a fighter, a warrior. Perhaps you live with mental illness because God knows you can survive it. I truly believe that we never are given more than we can handle and that is true with mental illness, as well. Absolutely, sometimes there are days when it all feels like too much a burden to bear, but every day you make it through is a victory and something to be celebrated.

I think we who live with mental illness offer something to the world that others cannot and that is a depth of compassion and understanding only those who have crawled on rock bottom can possibly comprehend. And while that does not make us better than those who have not had to live with mental illness, it may make us stronger than some who have not. We are a brave lot, we fight daily battles, waging war against the negativity in our brains and we emerge victorious. Every day we manage to get ourselves out of bed, into the shower and to work or school we are victors of our lives with mental illness.

We who live with mental illness can ask ourselves, “Why me?” and lament our conditions or we can say to ourselves, “Why not me?” and remind ourselves that we are strong, brave, capable people who know what the depths of Hell feel like and can empathize with others who have dared to come back from that place to find that they are victorious.

 

 

 

How often do we criticize ourselves and speak to ourselves in ways we never would address friends or loved ones? How we talk to ourselves matters. Years ago, a teacher spoke to me about the importance of self-love, the unconditional love of self that fosters a strong sense of self-esteem. As I age, I understand more and more how self-love is essential to my being.

Self-love is not selfish love. Self-love does not mean putting my needs, wants and desires above everyone else. Self-love involves speaking kindly to oneself, to being compassionate toward oneself, to being patient with oneself. Self-love means understanding that you are doing the best you can. Self-love means taking care of oneself, for if you do not take care of yourself, how can you possibly take care of anyone else?

For lent this year, instead of giving something up for 40 days, I practiced self-love. Sure, it was difficult at first, but the more I practiced, the easier it became (as is the case with anything). Instead of speaking harshly to myself when I made a mistake, I reminded myself that mistakes are our way of learning how to do something better. I used terms such as “darling” and “honey” to refer to myself instead of more derogatory terms. I spoke to myself the way I would address a friend or loved one.

We almost never would speak to our friends and loved ones in the ways we sometimes speak to ourselves. And we certainly never would tolerate being spoken to by anyone else the way we sometimes speak to ourselves. What we say to ourselves matters. How can we love ourselves when we refer to ourselves in derogatory, harsh ways? What would happen if instead of calling ourselves something like “dumbass” we called ourselves “darling?” What would happen if instead of berating ourselves for making a mistake, we congratulated ourselves on doing so and having the courage to find a way to do something better?

We all deserve love and belonging and that love should start with love of self. Self-love takes practice, indeed. What can you do today to start your journey of self-love? Can you find something beautiful about yourself and offer yourself a compliment? Can you find something you are good at and congratulate yourself?

 

 

 

 

How often in our lives do we tell ourselves we “must” do something or that something “must” occur for us to be happy or fulfilled? How often do we tell ourselves that we “should” do something or that something “should” happen for us to be content with our lives?

Before he passed in 2007, Albert Ellis talked to us about “musterbation,” or telling ourselves we must do this or that, things must be this way or that, something must happen before we can be happy. Why do we tell ourselves these things? “Musterbation” and shoulding ourselves is akin to shaming ourselves. One cannot shame oneself into being happy. Happiness does not work that way. More likely than not, we would not shame a friend or family member and think that by doing so, we could make that person happy. Shame makes us feel bad. Indeed, shame tells us we are bad.

“Musterbation” and shoulding ourselves only prolongs feelings that we are not enough, that our lives are not good enough just as they are. But what if we stopped doing that to ourselves and simply accepted that things just are? Certainly, some things in our lives can be changed. If we are in a miserable, dead-end job we can seek employment elsewhere. If we are in abusive, hurtful relationships we can summon the courage to leave. If we do not like where we live, we can make plans to move.

There is something to be said for the Serenity Prayer here and accepting things the way they are and having the courage to change the things we can and having the wisdom to know the difference. But we must be careful that we do not should or must ourselves or we risk the chance of living in perpetual shame.

What are some things you can stop telling yourself about the way things should be or must be before you embrace happiness? Can you accept the idea that some things just are and be happy in the moment that you are living right now? Happiness is often found in the small moments. We rarely find happiness in shoulding ourselves or “musterbating.”

 

Every day we are confronted by situations or people who can bring out the anger in us. Someone cuts us off in traffic on the way to work. Someone takes all the credit for a project your team completed at work. Someone ghosts you in a relationship. Someone fails to respond to messages or texts. Any of these things can make us angry, but really, what is beneath that anger? Is it hurt? Shame? Jealousy? Confusion?

Anger often is a mask for our real feelings. Anger is our first reaction. But what if we delve deeper into what we really are feeling? What happens if we sit with the real feelings beneath the anger? What if we admit to ourselves that we are less angry and more hurt or ashamed? Well, it is hard to do that, of course. No one wants to admit being hurt.

So we hold on to that anger. But holding on to anger is more than just unhealthy. Holding on to anger turns us into bitter, hurtful people who tend to lash out and push people away so we ourselves do not get hurt. And in holding on to anger, we become victims of our own lives.

Anger is a choice. We can choose to respond to people or situations that hurt us in an angry, vengeful way or we can accept the fact that we have been hurt or shamed, explain our true feelings and move on. Why hold on to that anger? What purpose does it serve? One may think that holding on to anger protects you from future hurts, but it does not. We can no more control what is going to happen to us than we can the sunrise or the sunset. All we can do is control the way we react to something or someone. We can choose to react with anger or venom and continue to be a victim of our lives or we can choose to react from a place of understanding.

Very few people actually try to hurt us on purpose. What is going on in the life of the person who hurt us to make them behave that way or say what he said? If we come from a place of understanding and compassion, we become victors of our lives and the situations with which we are confronted. If we come from a place of understanding and compassion, we are less likely to respond with anger and more likely to respond with love. Would that not be better? Doing so makes us the victors of our lives. Which would you rather be? A victim of your life or the victor of your life?

You can choose to be the victor of your life or you can choose to be a victim of your life. What happens when we choose to be the victor, the hero of our own lives is that we start to feel as though life is happening for us instead of life happening to us. When we choose to be the victor of our own lives, we begin to feel as though we have more agency, more say in how we choose to react to people and situations. When we choose to be the victors of our own lives, we own our feelings and can find it easier to move past anger, hurt and sadness. We can choose to react to troubling situations with grace and compassion when we choose to be the victors of our own lives. The choice is up to you.

As a social worker who herself has risen from the ashes of severe depression, anxiety and a manic episode that lasted 18 months and has been in recovery for almost eight years, I feel it is my duty to instill hope in those who have none. Indeed, that is why I went into this business.

When you are living with profound depression, debilitating anxiety and/or substance use disorder it certainly can feel like there is absolutely no hope that you can ever get better, that you can ever live a life free of mental illness or drug use. But, I promise you, there is hope. Every day offers you a chance to find your way to recovery, a chance that things will get better. But what does “better” mean? Certainly it means something different for everyone who lives with mental illness and/or substance use disorder. Perhaps “better” for you means getting out of bed today and getting yourself into the shower, dressed and to work. Perhaps “better” for you means one more day without your drug of choice. Perhaps “better” for you means you get outside for a walk or a run or a bike ride. Science tells us that as few as 30 minutes in nature helps release those endorphins we have talked about before, the feel-good chemicals in your brain that help you feel better. Perhaps “better” for you means you go to bed with the thought that maybe tomorrow will be better. That is what hope is.

Hope is that little voice inside you that says, “I’ll try again tomorrow.” Hope is that little voice inside you that says, “Tomorrow will be better.” When you live with mental illness and/or substance use disorder life can feel hopeless. We want to feel better now, but we are not sure how to get to “better.” Sometimes having hope means taking even just one small step toward mental wellness. What is one small thing you can to do today to improve your mental health? What can you do today that will make your tomorrow better?

Obviously, we cannot just hope ourselves well. We have to be willing to do the work of recovery to get well and to stay well. For most people living with mental illness and substance use, recovery does not just happen over night. Recovery happens when we take the steps necessary to make ourselves well. Recovery is a lifelong process. What can you do today to move from illness to wellness? What are you willing to do to engage in a healthier life? Sustained recovery is found when we practice hope on a daily basis, when we become hope warriors. What can you do today to embrace hope?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What does it mean to be brave? Bravery comes in different forms for different people. For those struggling with profound depression, just getting out of bed and making it to the shower can be brave. For those living with the albatross of substance abuse going an hour, a day, a week, a month without one’s drug of choice can be brave.

Sometimes being brave just means doing something one is afraid to do. But what is that fear about? Is it perhaps about the possibility of failure? Is that fear really about the idea that we do not deserve good in our lives, that we deserve to be happy and successful? I think one only fails if one stops trying. Failure is never the end, indeed it can remind us that there may be another way to tackle a situation or problem. Failure offers a second chance at success. Be brave, be a hero and dare to fail and try again. Sometimes being brave means embracing hope, even if there is only a modicum of hope to be found. Hope is that little voice inside you that says, “I’ll try again.” Hope is that little voice inside you that says, “Tomorrow will be better.”

Being brave involves embracing that little voice inside you that compels you to keep moving forward. For those living with depression, after finding the courage and energy to get yourself out of bed and into the shower, maybe the next brave thing to do is getting to work or making a call you have been putting off. For those living with substance use disorder, maybe being brave means going another day without your drug of choice. Maybe it means looking up the telephone number to a treatment center and finally making that call to get help.

Whatever your brave is, you have it inside you to embrace that. When we think of people who are brave, we often think of soldiers or police officers or firefighters— the heroes who put their lives on the line every day to protect us. What if we were to be our own heroes? What if today you make the decision to do one something brave every day? What will your one something brave be today?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So often in our lives we say to ourselves, “Once I’ve done this, then I can do that.” For example, “Once I’ve lost 10 pounds, I’ll be happy.” We so often postpone our joy until we think we deserve it, when the fact of the matter is, we deserve to be happy right now.

What are you predicating your joy on? At what point will you let yourself be happy simply because you deserve to be? You deserve to be happy simply because you are human. Why do we have to earn something to be happy? Why not be happy now?

Every day is full of small victories, especially for those of us living with mental illness or substance use disorder. Getting out of bed is a victory, be happy about it. Making time for exercise to get those endorphins going is a victory, be happy that you did something good for your body and soul. Nourishing your body is a victory, especially if you live with an eating disorder, be happy about it. We should celebrate our little victories every day by engaging in something that makes us happy. Why postpone your joy?

We also tend to “save” certain things for special occasions, but is not life a special occasion? Go ahead and use the good china, wear the fancy shoes or the pretty dress because today is special, because you deserve it. You deserve to be happy right now, not just when you close that deal at work or finish that report.

When we postpone our joy to that time when we think we deserve it, we shortchange ourselves. Do we not deserve better? Do we not deserve to be happy now, in this moment, in this point in time? Damn right, we do.

Every day when I am running, I pass an elementary school and sometimes am lucky enough to pass by when children are at recess. I love the sound of children playing and having fun, screaming and shrieking with unadulterated joy. It reminds me how important play is to children, but also reminds me that play is just as important for adults.

How often in our busy lives do we as adults make time to play, to just have fun and enjoy life. All too often adult play time is relegated to the weekend, but what if we were to schedule time during the week to play, whatever that might be for us? Adult play is important as it gives us time to recharge and remind ourselves to do something just for the sheer fun of it. What do you like to do for fun? Adult play could consist of anything from hitting the gym for some people to joining a pickup game of basketball with friends, going for a leisurely bike ride just to enjoy the scenery. For others play time might mean gardening or coloring or working on crafts.

It is important in our hectic lives to make sure we take time just to do things that make us happy, whatever that might be. Our play time is just as important as recess is for school children. We adults need downtime just as much as our kids do, maybe more so depending on what our jobs are. Sure, finding time during the work week to play can be difficult, but try to think of it as an appointment with yourself and perhaps your friends or even your children. And it is not about finding the time, it is about making the time to do things that simply make you happy. It is about making time to do something that is important to you and is good for your soul, that will help you release stress and recharge your batteries.

I think sometimes we as adults think we do not deserve play time, that we have to be doing something work-related or “productive.” But if you think of adult play time as an appointment with yourself, something necessary to maintain your sanity, is that not productive? Your mental health matters and adult play is important to keep yourself happy. All work and no play puts our mental health at risk. We all work so hard during the week to pay the bills, put food on the table and clothes on our backs, do we not deserve some play time as well? Work hard, play hard.