We are living in unprecedented times. For many people, the world seems, at best, topsy-turvy with wars raging, wildfires out of control thanks to climate change, people in government seemingly hell-bent on whittling away at human rights, and artificial intelligence apparently reducing some people’s need for in-real-life human-to-human contact. Some people, though, appear to be in search of something that connects them with other humans. The question is, are folks trying to fit in, or are people wanting to belong?

This all begs the question of, what is the difference between fitting in and real belonging? For one thing, real belonging requires equal measures of vulnerability and compassion, something many people shy away from or outright reject because both vulnerability and compassion can be downright scary. Fitting in is different. Fitting in usually offers less depth, yet somehow requires more effort and can cause more anxiety than true belonging. When we strive to fit in with a certain group of people, we can find ourselves working hard to become like the people we are trying to fit in with, often to our own detriment. That alone can be exhausting, particularly if the people we are trying to fit in with are different in their beliefs, values, interests or ideals.

When we are trying so hard to feel as though we fit in with a certain group, we may find that we are doing so because of appearances or because are concerned with how others view us or what they think of us. That is not healthy and can lead to anxiety. Sometimes we try to fit in—akin to fitting a square peg into a round hole—because not fitting in with a certain crowd or group would mean that we are alone and/or lonely. Sometimes we try to fit in with a certain crowd because even the thought of finding a new crowd is more daunting than working so hard to fit in. Unfortunately, the cost of staying with that group can actually leave us feeling more alone.

We forge real connection and belonging by giving ourselves permission to distance ourselves from those people with whom we really do not fit. That may mean taking a step back from certain groups, certain people within a group, or staying in touch with only certain people in a group. We forge real connection and belonging by giving ourselves permission to consider what it really is we are needing in relationships with other humans. We forge real connection and belonging by giving ourselves permission to really see others and to be really seen by others. That requires some measure of compassion and vulnerability, things many people are not all that comfortable with.

Finding your tribe may sound daunting, but does not have to be. Give yourself permission to really think about what your interests are, what your needs in relationships are, and to put yourself in a position to be with people in real life who lift you up rather than leave you feeling anxious about whether you fit in. This may take time, and that is okay. The time spent forging meaningful relationships that offer true belonging will be worth it—far more so than trying to fit in with those who are not really your people.

Now, perhaps more than ever, it is important to be engaged in relationships that fill you up rather than leave you feeling drained and exhausted. Now, perhaps more than ever, it is important to be engaged in relationships that offer deep, meaningful connection with people who offer you the opportunity to be your authentic self. You deserve that. What can you do to ensure that you are with your tribe, that you are reaping a feeling of belonging with other humans?

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP