love

How to avoid the tit-for-tat tango

Karri Christiansen, , , , Leave a comment

Let’s just be clear: Relationships are not easy. Romantic relationships can be particularly hard to navigate, in part because they consist of two people who may come from vastly different backgrounds, with vastly different ideas about what it takes to make a relationship work, and with vastly different ideals and values. Relationships take a lot of work, even in the best of circumstances.

Dr. Sue Johnson, author of “Hold Me Tight” and “Love Sense” describes relationships as a sort of dance, a tango, where sometimes one partner is pursuing and the other is moving away, while other times. the other partner is the pursuer. Sometimes, it is difficult to connect if one or both partners are holding on to grudges about perceived or real past misdeeds committed during the course of the relationship. Other times what gets in the way of really connecting with a partner is a failure to speak honestly about our values, our needs, wants, hopes and desires in the relationship.

When this happens, we may find ourselves drawing from a sort of Rolodex of past transgressions, flinging past misdeeds or mistakes at our partners in some backward and feeble attempt to share our feelings or communicate our values or indicate that our needs are not being met. Often what happens next is that couples start to engage in a sort of tit-for-tat tango, with partners hurling past wrongs at each other in some sort of bid for connection, some sort of bid to share emotionally or some sort of bid to get our needs met that goes horribly wrong.

How do we avoid this tit-for-tat tango? Well, it means we have to give ourselves permission to really get in touch with our deeper emotions, our needs and our values and share those with our partners in constructive, kind and compassionate ways. We cannot forge connection through criticism or nagging or by reminding our partners of past misdeeds or mistakes.

We can avoid the tit-for-tat tango by engaging in calm discussions about our needs, our values and our desires in a relationship. Yes, that means that we have to give ourselves permission to be vulnerable with another person. Yes, that means we have to get in touch with our deeper emotions. Yes, that means that we have to share emotionally. It also means that we give up the delusion that our partners can read our minds or that we can read theirs. We must also try to stop assuming that we know how our partners will respond to or feel about whatever we have to share. If we are not sharing what we are thinking, feeling and needing, our partners may, at best, be able to make an educated guess. Sometimes they may be right, but sometimes—because they are human—they may get it wrong. It is best to simply share our values, needs, wants, hopes and desires with our partners so we do not put them in the awkward position of having to guess.

We can and should avoid the tit-for-tat tango by remembering that it really is not fair to draw from the Rolodex of past transgressions when in the midst of a discussion about what is happening in the relationship now. It is not helpful to engage in a sort of “You did this” … “Well, you did that” … “Well, you did this other thing” type of conversation. These sorts of conversations really only serve to build walls of resentment and anger, which is generally not helpful in any relationship. Focus on what is happening now, what you need now to move forward in the relationship.

Relationships take a lot of work. That work hopefully involves sharing what our values are, what our needs, wants, hopes and desires are. Avoiding the tit-for-tat tango requires that we stop drawing from the Rolodex of past transgressions, that we stop using criticism as some feeble bid for connection, and that we get in touch with our own emotions, and show curiosity and compassion for our partner’s emotions. Avoiding the tit-for-tat tango also requires that we own up to our mistakes or misdeeds, apologize for them and take responsibility for our words and actions, possibly by changing our behavior.

Yes, relationships take a lot of work. But if we can give ourselves permission to get in touch with our emotions, our values, and our needs, wants, hopes and desires, and share them with our partners, we may be able to avoid the tit-for-tat tango that so many of us find ourselves dancing. If we can avoid thinking that our partners should be able to read our minds, we can avoid feelings of disappointment that our expectations were not met. Our partners cannot know what our expectations are unless we share them. Avoiding the tit-for-tat tango requires that we share what we are thinking and feeling, and asks of us to be vulnerable with our partners on an emotional level.

Are you ready to dance a different dance? Can you give yourself permission to get in touch with your deeper emotions? Can you share with your partner your values? Can you share with your partner your needs, wants, hopes and desires?

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LCSW, CADC, CCTP

How to avoid the tit-for-tat tango

Do you want to fit in, or belong?

Karri Christiansen, , , Leave a comment

We are living in unprecedented times. For many people, the world seems, at best, topsy-turvy with wars raging, wildfires out of control thanks to climate change, people in government seemingly hell-bent on whittling away at human rights, and artificial intelligence apparently reducing some people’s need for in-real-life human-to-human contact. Some people, though, appear to be in search of something that connects them with other humans. The question is, are folks trying to fit in, or are people wanting to belong?

This all begs the question of, what is the difference between fitting in and real belonging? For one thing, real belonging requires equal measures of vulnerability and compassion, something many people shy away from or outright reject because both vulnerability and compassion can be downright scary. Fitting in is different. Fitting in usually offers less depth, yet somehow requires more effort and can cause more anxiety than true belonging. When we strive to fit in with a certain group of people, we can find ourselves working hard to become like the people we are trying to fit in with, often to our own detriment. That alone can be exhausting, particularly if the people we are trying to fit in with are different in their beliefs, values, interests or ideals.

When we are trying so hard to feel as though we fit in with a certain group, we may find that we are doing so because of appearances or because are concerned with how others view us or what they think of us. That is not healthy and can lead to anxiety. Sometimes we try to fit in—akin to fitting a square peg into a round hole—because not fitting in with a certain crowd or group would mean that we are alone and/or lonely. Sometimes we try to fit in with a certain crowd because even the thought of finding a new crowd is more daunting than working so hard to fit in. Unfortunately, the cost of staying with that group can actually leave us feeling more alone.

We forge real connection and belonging by giving ourselves permission to distance ourselves from those people with whom we really do not fit. That may mean taking a step back from certain groups, certain people within a group, or staying in touch with only certain people in a group. We forge real connection and belonging by giving ourselves permission to consider what it really is we are needing in relationships with other humans. We forge real connection and belonging by giving ourselves permission to really see others and to be really seen by others. That requires some measure of compassion and vulnerability, things many people are not all that comfortable with.

Finding your tribe may sound daunting, but does not have to be. Give yourself permission to really think about what your interests are, what your needs in relationships are, and to put yourself in a position to be with people in real life who lift you up rather than leave you feeling anxious about whether you fit in. This may take time, and that is okay. The time spent forging meaningful relationships that offer true belonging will be worth it—far more so than trying to fit in with those who are not really your people.

Now, perhaps more than ever, it is important to be engaged in relationships that fill you up rather than leave you feeling drained and exhausted. Now, perhaps more than ever, it is important to be engaged in relationships that offer deep, meaningful connection with people who offer you the opportunity to be your authentic self. You deserve that. What can you do to ensure that you are with your tribe, that you are reaping a feeling of belonging with other humans?

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

Do you want to fit in, or belong?

Vulnerability is the path to love

Karri Christiansen, , , , Leave a comment

It seems as though Valentine’s Day is upon us, and for many people the holiday can evoke feelings of both happiness and sadness. Many people feel as though they must be partnered to enjoy the holiday, but there is more than one way to celebrate this day of love.

What is love, anyway? Romantic love is just one type of love. While romantic love, or Eros, is perhaps the best known type of love, there are many others. There is the love of friendship, and the love of family. There is the love of community and of people in general. And there is the type of love that grows over time.

There are many kinds of love, and myriad ways in which we can feel and share love. If we look for it, love really is all around us. And, if we listen, people often tell us they love us in many different ways.

How do we notice love when doing so can sometimes feel very challenging? How do we nurture and nourish love? Doing so often requires some measure of vulnerability. When we allow ourselves to really be seen and heard, we open the door to love. Doing so can require some measure of courage, because vulnerability can be uncomfortable, even scary, for many people.

Giving ourselves permission to be vulnerable means that we open ourselves up to rejection, but also can mean that we open ourselves up to acceptance, for who and what we are. For all our foibles, imperfections and flaws. And, letting others see all our foibles, imperfections and flaws can be scary. But if we fail to let people see who we really are, it could leave us feeling as though we never really are seen, heard, understood, and, ultimately, loved.

Letting ourselves be loved means that we let ourselves really be seen. Doing so can be scary, yes. Hiding parts of ourselves from others prevents them from really understanding who we are, and it is that understanding that nurtures and nourishes love. On the flip side, offering our understanding and acceptance to others also can help grow love, nurture relationships and let them blossom.

When we live in shame or keep parts of us hidden, it is hard to nurture love of others, love of self and love for others. When we live in shame or keep parts of us hidden, we are not giving others the opportunity to love our authentic selves, the real us. Shame is a barrier to love. When we fail to give ourselves permission to be vulnerable by keeping parts of us hidden, we fail to give others the chance to really know and love us.

Shame often is what keeps us from practicing vulnerability. Shame tells us we are not worthy of love, of belonging, of being understood. Shame lives in the shadows. Vulnerability lets us step into the light, be seen and heard and understood, and, loved.

Can you give yourself permission to practice vulnerability? Can you step out of the shame shadows and let yourself really be seen, be heard and be understood? Can you give yourself permission to accept love?

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

Vulnerability is the path to love